I had to laugh when I listened to Dr. Laura today. A 50 yo guy called up complaining that his new wife won't cook.<P>Dr Laura asked him how long he had know this woman ? He replied 6 months. <P>I guess this is a prime example if you rush into things.

Nick: <BR>Oh yes, shaved legs are a requirement, so get ready. That might be just what you need to hear to keep you on the right path.<P>TS:<P>I know, I know. I'm pathetic. But, I'm trying. I'm going much slower now than before and you know how fast I was going before. I love all your analogies. Keep those coming. However, I just had an ice cream sandwich and it was delicious. So, I guess I haven't gotten sick of ice cream or, should I dare say it, men, yet! <P>Sisyphus:<P>Thanks for the warnings. You are right that rebound relationships can be dangerous. I had a very scary encounter with an ex girlfriend of the guy I dated after my divorce. I had to call the police to get the situation under control. <P>RWD:<P>Thanks for the humorous reminder of the drawbacks of getting involved too early. At least the guy I am seeing knows I don't like to cook and even burn popcorn and I have only seen him for 2 weeks.<P>As far as my current relationship, I have felt very anxious today about it and have been trying to decide what to do. The guy wants more out of the relationship than I can give right now. He keeps telling me that he will take it slow but he doesn't. So, I need to constantly tell him that we need to go slower. I may just have to stop dating him right now. I hate this part of dating. If he would go slower, I would love to continue seeing him but I'm not sure he is really trying to go slow. I think he sees my vulnerablity and may be taking advantage of that. I have been more assertive in this relationship than the last but I still have a ways to go. So, I may be back on my sabatical very soon. At least, until the next good looking guy comes along. Smile!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>Nick: <BR>Oh yes, shaved legs are a requirement, so get ready. That might be just what you need to hear to keep you on the right path. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Darn, well, I guess that means I'm not ready to date. Oh well, I'm glad I found out now before it became an embarrasing social faux pas <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Well, I found another reason not to date for awhile. Have a sister that yells at you every time you don't stick to exactly what you planned.<P>I am really trying to go slower this time and maybe I should be going even slower or not at all right now, but I hate that I can't even talk to my sister about this without being scolded.<P>I know she means well. And, she is probably right. But, I am really trying right now to do what is right but I am not perfect and I am still confused about what it is I really want or am capable of doing. She gets aggravated because I say one thing and do another. Which is true, but at the time I say what I want to do, I really do want to do that. I'm not just saying it. But, unfortunately, I am not always capable of sticking to what I say I want to do even when I know it is the healthy thing to do. I am trying to be more assertive with my needs. But, I have a long way to go. She told me that she is angry at the man I am seeing because he knows where I am right now and he is not respecting that. He is going after what he wants.<P>Is anyone else struggling with these issues? Trying to not date but not being able to do that? <P><BR>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited January 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited January 27, 2001).]

TS-<P>I recognize the importance of waiting. But you're right. I have to buy into the idea with my whole heart. It's like I'm taking my medicine but not believing it will work. <P>711-<BR>When you say he is not taking it slow, do you mean sexually? And are you feeling incapable of a)not sleeping with him b) not sharing too much with him emotionally c) not getting too attached d) not dating other people. <P>I guess my main question might be: how do you keep it light when you really feel attracted and interested in someone? It's like holding back when you really want to go forward. That is why I am reluctant to date anyone. I don't want to find someone I really like because it may be too soon. Then holding back becomes a hassle. I think the STudent had a different ice cream analogy: one about how if you can't eat just a tiny bite of your favorite ice cream, don't go and bring a gallon into your home. Too much temptation to eat the whole carton.

GSD:<P>My concern is regarding all the things that you have listed. He wants to see me all the time and I think he wants a committed relationship with me right now. I have told him I am not ready for that right now. He says he will respect that but then calls me everyday and asks me out everynight. I saw him last night and will see him tonight. I really should have just said I will see him one or the other but I wimped out. I did tell him that I couldn't see him tomorrow because I needed some time to myself and had made plans with my sister and he said ok but then said he might stop by the party that my sister and I are going to at the church. So, now I need to tell him I really need this time alone with my sister and I prefer that he not stop by for my sake and her sake. She is already mad at me for going out with him twice this weekend. She is mad that I can't keep things slow and stand up for myself. We talked about this today and I told her that I was trying and she needs to cut me a little slack. She said she was sorry for yelling at me and knows that she needs to stop trying to be my protector but she just has such a hard time sitting back and watching me make the same mistakes again. <P>What I really want right now is just to go out and be friends and have fun, talk and get to know each other. I have told him this a few times but I can tell he is ready for much more than that. So, maybe I should just call it quits on this one.<P>However, there is a part of me that still wants the knight in shining armour to come along and rescue me. He has many of the qualities I want in a man. He is religious, a great father, honest, introspective, intelligent, financially secure, nice looking, funny, and complimentary. My concern is that I may be attracted to him for the wrong reasons. I find myself thinking here is a chance to get my dream life back. Marriage, companionship, love, nice home, ability to stay home with my kids, go to church on Sunday, etc. etc. etc. But, it is way too early for me to be thinking along those lines. I don't even know him yet. And, he is also thinking along those same lines and told me he thought I would make an awesome wife.<P>So, I am trying to make sense of all of this. I should probably just end this relationship now because I am not ready for the same things he is at this time. <P>

Hi GSD and 711,<P>GSD got my analogy right about keeping the gallon of ice cream in the fridge and resisting the temptation to eat the whole gallon.<P>I was trying (in my dry engineer way) to be funny when I said I got food poisening from the last batch.<P>One good thing about working with all guys. I've seen and heard soooo many things, that the standard lines and tricks have no effect on me. <P>If you are feeling pressured, then odds are pretty good he's being selfish. I mean, it's forgiveable, but please don't do anything because you feel SORRY for him. What we've all been through sucks, but you don't REALLY need rescuing do you? And you don't need to rescue someone else. That's not a good way to start a good relationship.<P>When we are needy, we tend to project all kinds of wonderful qualities onto the other person that may really not exist.

711-<BR>The guy that I was seeing pretty much was going down the same road. He was recently divorced, too, though a bit longer than I. I didn't stop anything happening with us because I was reveling in the relationship, really liked him and the beauty of being with someone who was so wonderful. When he put the breaks on, he said (to this effect):<BR>I really care about you and I don't want to hurt you. I have grown distant a bit (he had) from when we first started going out. I'm sure you've noticed. Frankly, I need to focus on me right now. I don't want to feel like I am not giving you something that you need or that I am ignoring you. That's too much pressure. I found myself thinking "Oh my god, I'm 31.' I want a family and kids and all that jazz. But we don't need to be in any kind of hurry. I don't want you to think I was using you, either. And it's not about dating anyone else or anything. This just isn't healthy. I have been getting upset over my ex again. I really thought I had moved past it and was ready for something serious again. I am just not ready to get hurt like that again." <P>I found his words to be right on the mark and respected him for them becuase I do believe that he was sincere. What he said made sense. We were seeing each other a few days a week, talking every day, spending a lot of time together. I began to wonder where the lines were: what were we? EXclusive yes, but was he my boyfriend? I mean, I didn't see him on Thanksgiving. So at any rate, there were questions and anxieties on both ends. Maybe his words will give you some ideas of what to say. He did say to me (very emphatically) that he still was going to call me and wanted to go out every now and then, Of course, he hasn't, but that is a different story. Maybe he "couldn't have the ice cream in thre fridge"??? <P>I don't think it is as simple as he doesn't respect you. When feelings are involved, it's hard to turn them off and back down in order to do the healthy thing. Maybe that is a sign of the kind of mettle that this man is made of.

Thanks TS and GSD for your thoughts.<P>Whew, relationships are so fun!! NOT!<P>I tried to set a boundary today but did not do it the appropriate way. I chickened out and used email. Not, a good thing. He did not like it at all.<P>So, we are now in the stages of ending our relationship. I should have handled the situation differently, but I didn't. However, I was able to get my point across. Bottomline, it is important that I keep to my boundaries this time and I don't think he is able to respect those. So, I am going back to what I know is best for me right now. SINGLE AND WORKING ON MYSELF!!<P>

711<P>Good for you. Maybe email wasn't a good way to go about it (I don't know the context of the message) but setting boundaries is right. (That's the phrase that I couldn't remember! SEtting boundaries.) Now that you say it, there's a book out there called _Boundaries in Dating__ by Clarke/Townsend (??)I think. It is only available in hardcover, I believe, and I've been too cheap to buy it. But I think I will. It is about keeping yourself when you enter a new relationship and not losing what you want for you. Have you ever heard of it? I think people here have mentioned the other boundaries book called BOundaries in Marriage.

I have read most of these posts, and am taking all advice. I think my marriage was so dysfunctional for so long, I felt as though I have been separated for years, but now I am officially separated for 3 months now, and I am in a relationship with a man, who is recently separated also. We have known eachother for a year - 2 years as social contacts, at first, but closer friends later on. Our time together is limited by our respective children, as they are our first priority. My question is, we have both discussed the rebound thing, and transitional thing............... but truly have a huge common ground. I feel as though I have run across enough men, and people in general to know what I have been lacking for so long, and that he holds alot of those qualities. I do not think I need to be alone, but could if I had to. I do not think dating other men would be of any benefit at this point, and we have both expressed the wish for a monogamous relationship. I am trying to go about this the right way, and obviously I have some very strong feelings for this man. I cannot believe our communication skills, there is never anything left to chance, feelings are put out there......things get said ,on both parts as opposed to being hidden. I guess I just wanted an opinion. Thanks

Well, nikkilynn2, it's obvious you're playing with fire, but not everyone who plays with fire gets burned.<P>What I really want to point out, though, is that there is a difference between good communication and good communication skills. You don't need the skills until you run into trouble...<BR>

May I also point out that people who enter into marriages less than two years out of a divorce end up divorced again 85% of the time. <P>I know you want to believe the statistics don't apply to you, but there they are. 15% odds aren't so hot. <P>O-kay...I'll say this too. If you are separated, but not divorced, you are committing adultery IMO. So is this man. It doesn't matter how good you think your communication is now. Someday it might not be so good (as GnomedePlume suggests) and you will want someone who sticks to their vows. I'd hope you'd want someone who would expect you to stick to yours as well. <P>Your story is not new or unique. We aren't telling you this to spoil your fun or because we don't want you to be "happy". There are very valid reasons for waiting. I wish I could explain them all to you, but I'm afraid you probably wouldn't listen. <P>I have a funny story...when I was a pre-teen, my parents told me all of the stages I was going to go through when I became a teenager. I laughed and said "Now that I know what the stages are, I won't go through them!!" Guess what? I went through every damn stage they mentioned. Human nature is what it is. You might be one of the lucky ones. Maybe getting divorced again doesn't bother you that much, who knows? <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 29, 2001).]

Nikkilynn:<P>I know where you are coming from with all your feelings for this man right now. I have been there too and am fighting with those issues right now. Right now, you probably aren't really going to listen to advice because everything just seems to be going so well, but nothing lasts in that stage forever. So, just try to take it slow. I think it is hard to date at this age and keep things slow. Most of the people I meet want a serious relationship. I realize that I am not ready for that now. I would like that again eventually but not now. I don't want be divorced again. I went way too fast in my first relationship.

Thanks guys......but hold the horses!! I am not intending to get married right away!!!! I do not believe in my heart that I am commiting adultery either. My husband has moved on with his life already, and there is no hope for reconciliation on either part. I am happy he is gone, I feel like I have finally gotten rid of a huge bag of stress in my life, not that I havent replaced it with the stress of single parenting. I have had a million conversations with the new man in my life about how do we keep this safe for both of us? I believe we are both so afraid of making a stupid decision , it will take us a long time to make it.I can see why 2 years is a reasonable amount of time to do this. I am still in counseling guys, so I do appreciate and listen to the advice. I have been in counseling for about 12 months....trust me, I had issues from childhood, and from staying in a marriage too long that was severly dysfunctional. I know right now I think I know what I am doing, and it could look different in 6 months..... so I think I am old and wise enough to keep that all in mind. I was married for 15 years, and spent half of them figuring out what was wrong.I am not impulsive , but I will say we all do stupid things, and I am not above them. I can only hope my judgement hasn't failed me now, and watch for signs that I need to keep my boundaries intact. Thanks for the input

I agree with the wise person who said when feelings are involved, one has a tendency not to do the healthy thing. I am a prime example of what not to do. I do career counseling for divorced and separated...I have heard more horror stories than I can remember. I know the statistics, the danger of dating too soon. When my marriage fell apart I was no better off than the clients I counseled. In some ways I felt worse off because there is something to that saying "ignorance is bliss." Anyway, I got involved with someond who also was going through a painful divorce. In the beginning I was careful, but then I did what so many of us do when we aren't sure. I justified the whole thing. We had so much in common, we were married the same amount of years, separated for the same, we understood each other, we were crazy about each other, etc. Everyone told me, slow down, be careful, run away as fast as you can!! I told everyone I was taking things slow, I knew what I was doing, everything was great....Quess what? I was moving a break neck speed, everything was great...I felt alive and wonderful... and then I crashed and burned; the whole mess blew up in my face. This man was not ready for a relationship...I believe he wanted to be, but he just couldn't. I knew this from the very first moment, but I chose not to pay attention to it. I knew I was playing with fire, but I did it anyway...hoping our rebound would be the one to win. It didn't happen. Instead, I had to deal with more hurt and pain. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew better. I, too, needed to get my life on secure footing again. Would I do it again? Probably. The four months we did see each other was the one positive thing that was happening in my life at the time. Was it worth all the hurt afterward? No. The pain of a divorce and the pain of a broken relationship don't mix too well. I know one thing, you can warn people, tell them to run, hide, take it slow, but after feeling bad for so long and then meeting someone who makes you feel like a teenager again...it is intoxicating and dangerous. <P>Proceed with caution.<BR>

Lonely Soul:<P>I related so much to what you said. Especially the last line:<P>"after feeling so bad for so long and then meeting someone who makes you feel like a teenager again . . . it is intoxicating and dangerous."<P>That described my whirlwird romance after my divorce to a tee. <P>

711:<P>How long was your whirlwind romance and how long did it take you to recover your balance? I'm still struggling with it.<BR>

Lonelysoul:<P>It lasted 6 months and I am not completely over it. We parted on good terms. Some issues came up that I needed to deal with and he understood. We have talked about checking in with each other in about 6 months. We still email now and then but I haven't heard from him in a few weeks. I still think of him often. It was difficult breaking up and there were a lot of tears over it all. That's the part we both hated so much. We knew it probably wouldn't last but we hoped we might be able to beat the odds because we had so much in common, had lots of fun together and incredible chemistry. It really was like being in highschool for me again. I was with my x for 18 years and before that my highschool sweetheart. So, this was really only the 3rd man I have seriously dated in my life. I have dated since but I am very cautious now and have set up boundaries that I am not willing to cross this time around. I'm not sure if that is because I am stronger now or because the chemistry is just not the same.

711,<P>I have only 'skimmed' through some of the responses here, so if this has already been mentioned, I apologize. <P>When it comes to setting boundaries within a relationship, try to do it as early as possible and be as open as possible when you do it. Also, any ‘true’ man that is interested in you will respect those boundaries and will wait on the physical stuff until you are ready. You should take it as a compliment when you find a guy that wants to spend a lot of time with you, but if he is really trying to rush things, having the boundaries established early should help. And if you happen to be dating a guy who seems to lose interest because you won’t sleep with him quick enough, let him go. It is very true that most guys think about sex (almost as much as women), but if he really cares about YOU and is interested in a lasting relationship, the quest for physical intimacy can be put on the back burner. It is possible. Don’t get suckered into believing it’s not!<BR>