Signing papers this week. My wife doesnt seem to understand that she let another man play a role i breaking up my family! Confronted this man at his office in Nov. and he swore he would not tak or touch my wife again(was realy scared, call cops and all, cops actually helped me out). <P>Would an old fashion southern a** woopin somehow or sometimes help every one see things a bit clearer?<P>Wife may see it as a fighting for her & family?<BR>OM may not really want to be involved anymore with a married/divorcing women w/child?<BR>Makes me feel better, but really makes things worse?<P>Many respond, need to know true thoughts!!!<P>A Broken Man

Well, I'm not sure it would help anything. It might make you feel better for awhile, but the consequences could be substantial. Jail, alienating your wife further by a display of violence, possible escalation, etc are all possibilities.<P>I've kind of let my revenge feelings ebb. I think the only way I would cause any sort of harm to the OM would be if he hurt, abused or endangered my son.<P>Just a thought...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I know how you feel but looking back later I think that you would regret doing it. <P>I feel that for the person being left to have peace later he or she must do everything to save the relationship. But everything we do must be seen as taking the high road and doing what is right. <P>Right now everyone looking at your marriage could point the finger at the other man and say he did wrong but we must try to make sure people & our families can't say that we did wrong. Because if we do the right thing from this point on it makes it harder for someone or our wives to say that they are better off without us.

Subtlety and psychology. Let his own mind do a better job than you ever could.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by A Broken Man:<BR><B>Would an old fashion southern a** woopin somehow or sometimes help every one see things a bit clearer?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I actually talked with three attorneys about this exact thing; my divorce attorney, a prosecutor, and a US attorney.<P>All three said: don't do it, you'll lose your kids (I had temporary custody, well on the way to permanent custody IF I DIDN'T SCREW UP).<P>I then asked, "When could I?". All three told me that if he showed up at my door, I could do what I wanted.<P>I relayed this to my boys when they asked (they would get scared that their dad would get hurt, having sorta lost their mom for a while).<P>I told them, "If he shows up here, I get to kill him." And I meant it, as I'm sure you would. But keep it at that level. You've got to just suck it up, take the high road, show far more class than anyone else involved in the wickedness. That's the way to win. About the only way.<P>Bama<P>

Ah, revenge. . .<P>One of the first heated discussions the Prince O Darkness and I had was concerning the fact that I did not believe in revenge, that one had to rise above, turn the other cheek, be a better man than the one that offended, ect. He thought that revenge was OK, eye for an eye.<P>So now, I daily struggle with the thoughts of hanging hanging Miss Kitty over the gatorpit, bucknaked, and horsewhippin the skin off her. . .dumping the futon where she and the Prince O Darkness consumated their love onto her front lawn, along with all kinds of other stuff (panties, e-mails, all my self-help books). . .enlarging the pictures that my husband took of her in the room in Motel 6 Hagerstown and hanging them up in the breakroom at her place of employment. . .ect<P>I keep thinking "Rise above, Mary, rise above. . .remember that you are supposed to be better than that who'!"<P>But yeah, I'd love to show her the fat end of a Louisville Slugger, but I also like having custody of my son and I enjoy having no police record, too

Honestly, Broken Man, the fog is so damn thick that your punches would only barely dent his thick skull and your wife would then have a great reason to say "see, I told you so! That's why I left him!"<P>I struggle with my absolute hatred of Nurse Ratchet myself...I've opted to pretend she doesn't exist on my planet and doesn't breathe the same oxygen I do...I plan on treating her as non-existent when my fogged stbx starts bringing her around to my kids' activities..."Hello stbx, daughter, son, (profound silence where Nurse Ratchet's name should be)...have a great day!" and walk on.<P>I figure she'll get hers each time she looks at my stbx's paycheck and notices a huge deduction that goes straight to me - one that doesn't leave him much money to be sauve bachelor boyfriend...I imagine that to be a sore spot for her for sometime to come! (And it ticks him off too - but he can't yell at me - the state determines CS).<P>So, get your revenge in subtle ways that still allow you to walk tall among those that judge your ex - (and allow yourself to look in the mirror each day).<P>Lisa

I didnt beat the crap out of the OW but I have rung and abused her. It made me feel good for a short time but actually got me angrier because it made no difference to what they are doing..<P>It is just there justification for what they are doing. As my counseller said they have no empathy and they will never feel what you are feeling.<P>I have made a contract with the counseller when ever I feel angry and want to contact H or OW I ring a friend family or lifeline opposed to ringing him/her.<P>We only set ourselves up for another fall.<BR>This forum is good but sometimes the answers dont come quick enough (especially when you are all asleep when I am awake here in New Zealand). Sometimes people dont reply. Even one sentence can make you feel better<P>Take care, dont let your anger manifest itself like mine does. I am working on it

I have a deep, dark hope that he does something to one of my kids so I can beat him within a inch of his life and then have him and x thrown in jail for child endangerment.<P>I told x this along time ago when we were still married. I also told her not to bring him into MY yard and that if she did again I would pull him out of his car throught the keyhole. She hasn't brought him back since.<P>The other day when I dropped the kids off and he was working on his car in their garage, he closed the garage door!!!!!!

Hi Broken man,<P>don't do it. You don't want your kids to see or know that their Daddy uses violence to solve anything. And I don't think it will make you feel better in the long run. Probably would for a day or two, but then your reality would set in. You know, the real world, the world that they don't live in.<P>I agree with Sisyphus, let their mind torture them.<P>However, I did do a revengeful thing. I rang OW's mother, and told her that her d was having an affair with a married man, my husband. The mother actually took my side (couldn't believe that) and it did cause so much trouble betw. them, and also betw. her family. tee hee. But now, I feel sorry for the mother. I think about my own mum, and if anyone did anything like that to hurt her. I don't regret doing it, but I wish I hadn't involved an innocent person.<P>Believe me, revenge isn't worth it. I know it's trite, but what goes around does come around.<P>Also, violence scares me. Even as an adult. Imagine what your kids would feel. They would be petrified that you would get hurt. Don't do it to them.<P>I know, and understand the physical craving of wanting to hurt them. Believe me, I know, however, we are the better people. Always remember that.<P>big hugs for you<P>Jo

<BR>Hey Broken Man, <P>Check these links: <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/002125.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/002125.html</A> <P> <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/002360.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/002360.html</A> <P>-jtfe<P>

broken man,<BR>i've been coming to these boards, off and on, for the last 2 to 3 years. reading the posts gives perspective to my feelings and as you know, that helps. <P>i must admitt that once a while back, i did consider doing violence. at the time it seemed like a logical alternative to my feeling helpless. however, thank the good lord, i came to my senses. the OM was bigger then me! i mean he was huge! he would have killed me....<P>but i did get even!<P>i did every thing, and i mean everything, you could imagine to encourage the OM to marry my EW, LOL. now that's revenge!<P>I.E, not to long ago i posted on another board, the story of her being found cheating on him. oh the joy! and yes! i must admitt, i've developed a sick sense of humor! <P>do you know, i hired a PI to take pix on his behalf. honest! i was going to post them on the internet but she is, after all, still the mother of my children so...i just wish i could have been their when he opened the envelope.<P>anyway now that his itty bitty heart has been broken, he may start posting here so be sure to give him a warm welcome...his username is snake, no kidding, snake! <P>and one lat thing. this story has a moral and it's not "what goes around comes around." the moral to this story is that when it comes to snakes and pigs violence isn't the answer...getting them to marry each is!<P>so behave yourself broken man, and be sure to feel better; because there still does seem to be a crude sort of justice in this world.<BR>poodlepapa

I'll admit it, poodlepapa/barry has it figured out.<P>I did call the OM and warn him to never harm my daughter or I will never stop until justice is served. Mostly I'm just worried about my daughter since my ignorant wife can't understand why it's bad to take our daughter around him or any other boyfriend so early. <P>The OM is a lonely worm and I could easily kick his a**. His ex-wife said he was wierd.<P>Let's see... My wife is seeing another man, has filed for divorce, is already feeling extremely guilty to the point of physical illness, is not behaving as a Christian (very important to her to be a good Christian), I'm going to be the primary custodian of my daughter, the financial situation is to my likeing, I have an awesome career, I live exactly where I want to, and the future looks very bright to me. Did I mention I'm debt free? She just HAS TO HAVE HIM. She is an extremely needy, extremely thin-skinned, neurotic, conflict avoider who has always had low self-esteem despite my best efforts. (How can anyone listen to the exact same problems for YEARS without ever seeing any improvement?) How do I know these things? I've been married to her for a decade. He will have an incredible burden trying to make her happy, for she has yet to understand that the only person that can make her happy is herself. She even has marriage on her mind. Get this, she asked me to marry her and I am the one fighting to save the marriage. When I called the OM, he was a bit smug. Since my wife has yet take responsibilty for her behavior in this marriage and has yet to deal with it, he will have his hands full. I doubt he will be so smug in a year or so *if* he can handle her. She will absolutely wear him out. Hey, I only have one child to raise now.<P>Kicking his a** will only make me look like an idiot. Since I try to be a smart guy and since revenge is best served cold, I think I'll let this little problem solve itself. "The best way to manipulate someone is to not even try." I saw that on a TV program recently and I think I agree with it.<P>Let your spouse jump off the cliff. You've been trying to stop her, but she just has to go. She will feel all light and euphoric for a while, when splat she hits bottom.<P>We all know that affairs are an illusion. They are built on emotion, secrecy and lies by weak people. Time will take care of the rest.

At first I thought this must just be a guy thing. But after further thought, I'd love to have a good cat fight. This woman is so afraid of me and I have done nothing to make her afraid, nothing. I've never even seen her nor have I ever tried.<P>I fully believe the WS will only stand in defense of that person. I also don't believe revenge is mine, that it will be handled by someone much bigger and stronger than me, like God.<P>My only revenge is that whenever I refer to her whether I'm on the phone or talking to friends, I call her something close to her name but not her name. Now my two sons call her "Rhonda" too and think it's funny (tho they haven't met her yet). One time my oldest son asked me a question about "Rhonda", and that little smart alec person in me said back to him in a whiny crybaby voice "My name is Renee!" Know what my 9-year old said back, "Ok...Rhonda" and started laughing wildly. Now I don't know if they would harass this woman like this in real life, and I have told them Dad still has the ability to get angry and punish them if they are beligerant, but I have a terrible time bringing myself to tell them it's actually wrong to do so. I really have to work on that.<P>I know, sounds vindictive and like I'm using my kids to get even. It's not like that. I didn't tell them to do anything and do spare them the details! My 9-year old eavesdrops on me and I've caught him. He's curious because he doesn't understand and is trying to piece together answers. Like I said, I have a few things to work on because I kind of find an impish enjoyment of them being smart alecs about her name. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

thanks everyone, the only reason I have not inflicted [censored] woopin on them both is she signed papers monday and I dont want to risk losing what Ive got:<P>Joint custody, her primary, but listed out how decisions are to be made.<BR>no child support<BR>no alimony<BR>me pay for childs schooling-5yr old<BR>I get the house: 4 brm,3bath colonial, nice<BR>debt free<BR>split money in bank(very little)<P>She walks away with her vehicle, bed, some others pcs of furniture, debt free and a whole to life and romance with "soulmate"<P>I dont want to lose what Ive got!<P>But after the divorce(Ive not signed papers yet) The "****" may hit the fan.<BR>re: anyone remember movie "Airplane"<P>A Broken and Tired Man.<BR>

Broken Man,<P>Like you, I had a problem with the misplaced anger, but finally had to face the facts. My problem was with my ex, not with the sock puppet. She is the one who promised before God to remain faithful to me, he never promised me anything. I didn't even know him.<P>No, I didn't try to kick butt, but I might have prayed for him, you know, something like praying for a happy death.<P>Violence isn't the answer, you have too much to lose, and the way the law is today, by the time it is over with, it will hurt you and your children far more than any damage you can ever do to him.<P>Bumper

You could console yourself with the writings of that great self-help author George Hayduke.

I've worked in a prison for a time.<BR>Those convicted of assault and battery have no better food or accommodations than the axe murderers.<BR>In most venues today, "lock em up and throw away the key" is the prevailing thought. <BR>Remember, your X chose him, I doubt if there was force or coersion.<BR>Don't let it eat on you. Find some joy and happiness elsewhere. Spend time making yourself into a better person who doesn't think about violent solutions and who may be attractrive to a good woman who sees no reason to stray.<BR>Really, if you cross the violence line, the police and judges will not be concerned about your mental health or marital fairness, they will be concerned about protecting the public.<BR>Please, for us, watch yourself<BR>R