Bonnett<P>I can relate to everything you said about support. I, too withdrew my support from my ex because I felt like it wasn't coming my way. I withdrew into a shell physically and emotionally. It spiraled from there. <P>And yes, I have also almost come to tears when certain things have hit me. Those epiphanical moments are bittersweet. They come at strange moments. I had one last night leaving my night class. I have been thankful for so much of my grief. It is very strange, and sometimes I don't believe it and think it is an illusion. It scares me and makes me think I am nuts. (Which I probably am. My sanity often comes into question.)

I don't know how to put this without sounding like I didn't do anything wrong....but basically I think the biggest fault I had in the marriage was believing that we were partners....that we were in this together.<P>My resentment/anger (which I didn't even realize I had at the time) in all the things I did wrong, pretty much all stems from that. I assumed that we would work together, play together, talk together, go thru life.....TOGETHER....facing whatever came our way TOGETHER. I guess he didn't see it this way. I think I just basically expected too much out of the marriage. Did I?<P>So not to make excuses, but I...<P>...turned into a witch with a b. I nagged, I had a short temper, I was witchy! I never felt like I was heard when I talked and in turn (not consciously and not on purpose) I talked louder and more harshly just to get my point across.<P>...I cut him off sexually for the most part (again not consciously or on purpose). I thought sex, love and affection was a two way street and when my street (affection) was never visited or cared about, I resented it and felt very used by him in this arena. Who wants to make love when the only time your H ever wanted to touch you was for sex?<P>Basically, those were the two areas he mentioned as reasons he left me...how did he put it..."you're a fridgid bit*ch!" And I probably was. (wow, that hurt)<P>Like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses but I see now that a person needs to have their needs met or there will be ramifications. I wasn't meeting his needs and he left. He wasn't meeting my needs, and while I didn't leave, I tuned him out in certain areas. <P>Not smart. Not right. Bad for a relationship. Hopefully I can learn from this.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership? That's what I always thought...do I think wrongly on this? Please, any input would be much appreciated.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited January 31, 2001).]

well, been thinking a lot about this lately.<P>1) I should have got help for the depression I was in, rather than thinking it was all going to get better some day.<P>2) I should have made my thoughts and feelings known to him, I was always afraid of conflict or causing a problem so I did nothing.<P>3) I should have been a better housekeeper, he's ex-navy and everything has to be put away, I stack and store things.<P>4) I let myself go, I felt that I was fat and ugly and not worth much.<P>Really, I would have to say that most all of our problem was lack of communication... we didn't ever get fully honest with our true selves, nor let the other know what was up, either. <P>Now I am trying to get it all out so that I can let it go and move on... much too late, but I did tell him that the opening of "Pandora's Box" has been a long time coming and that this is where many couples work through it and grow.<P>Lori <P> <p>[This message has been edited by bangarra (edited January 31, 2001).]

Ok, my turn.<P>I just read through all these posts and I don't think anyone has my first one on their list.<P>My biggest part and I think the worst of all I have read is that I married him knowing that I didn't love him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He really loved me so much back then that I thought that was enough. He was emotionally unstable and I wasn't sure how he would handle it if I called off the wedding. So, I married him.<P>I drank a lot back then to put me in the mood sexually. He made sure I drank a lot. Without alcohol, I had no attraction to him. And, he is a good looking man. Everyone thinks he looks like Mel Gibson. What was wrong with me!<P>I was not loving or affectionate.<P>I was judgmental and critical. <P>No matter how nice he was all day, if he did one wrong thing, that is what I focused on.<P>I let myself go. I wore sweats all the time. I used up all my energy at work. I am an excellent employee. But, when I got home, I was so lazy. I took care of the kids and the laundry and that was about it. He did most of the chores around the house, including bills, grocery shopping, etc. I didn't cook either. Just kid stuff. <P>I turned him into a mean, resentful man overtime because of my lack of love for him.<BR>I blame myself for his running after a younger woman. I can't believe we were able to stay together for 18 years.<P>You can also add to my list all the things said by GSD, Sue, Faithful Wife, and Mrs. O. Heck, everything said here, can be added to my list. I was an awful, awful wife!<P>I know that I shouldn't take all the blame for the demise of our marriage, but I do. If I had been honest in the beginning about my feelings, we would never have gotten married. I feel like I wasted so much of our lives. But, I must say, I would do it all again, because out of this marriage I was blessed with two wonderful girls. We both love them so much. And, amazingly enough, my x and I are actually very good friends now. So, I guess I couldn't have been that bad. <P>

It was a clash of values:<P>Parenting values/needs<BR>Career values/needs<BR>Vacation values/needs<BR>Conversation values/needs<BR>Domestic support values/needs<BR>Financial values/needs<BR>Sexual Fulfilment needs<BR>Self Esteem needs<P>We were opposites on all these issues, and<BR>we shouldn't have married either, I knew that. the connection was not love at all,<BR>not really, just two desperate people finding each other without being able to stop ourselves.<P>not so sWIFTTy<P>