I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what I can do. My wife and I have been married for a year now. We were having alot of little problems that started to building up. I didn't realize what was going on. We decided that she was going to go back home for a while in another state so that we could spend some time away from the situation and think through things. I was going to join her in the spring after I got everything ready here. <P>She left the week before X-mas. X-mas day she called and said "Merry X-mas, I want a divorce". <P>Now I am here and she is there. 1500 miles away from each other. I am debating on trying to move out there like I had planned before all this. But I don't want to push her away. I know that we had a good marriage before the problems started. I know that we could work through things. She has said that she knows that we could work things out, but she doesn't want to. <P>She has told me that she is going back to her ex-boyfriend. A guy who has nothing but trouble in his background. Drugs , Alcohol, Etc. She says he treats her well. I never treated her wrong. We had some communication issues. We had things that we needed to work on and learn. But, nothing that any other couple has not gone through. It doesn't make sense that we need a divorce.<P>I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. We can work through all this.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Now I am here and she is there. 1500 miles away from each other. I am debating on trying to move out there like I had planned before all this. But I don't want to push her away. I know that we had a good marriage before the problems started. I know that we could work through things. She has said that she knows that we could work things out, but she doesn't want to. <P>She has told me that she is going back to her ex-boyfriend. A guy who has nothing but trouble in his background. Drugs , Alcohol, Etc. She says he treats her well. I never treated her wrong. We had some communication issues. We had things that we needed to work on and learn. But, nothing that any other couple has not gone through. It doesn't make sense that we need a divorce.<P>I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. We can work through all this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>1. You don't want a divorce. Well, you're getting one, like it or not, because you *cannot* control the process. She controls it. This is an area where you must minimize conflict by going with the flow.<P>2. She's 1500 miles away. If you want her, move close. Not right on top of her where you seem to be stalking, but close enough that she can easily run to you if things go wrong with jerkboy. Which they will--all you need to do is wait.<P>3. Keep quiet about jerkboy. Wait for *her* to come to *you* with problems. Then just be there for her. Read all you can on this site, other sites, books, etc. Then you'll know how to *not* do that wrong.<P>In the meantime, also look for NSR's welcome posts, etc.--there are a lot of "read only" posts on the site that are worth looking at, and some that point to lots of other posts, books, etc. (I'm speaking here of posts created for that purpose, not to talk to a specific person--you'll know them when you see them).

Here is my two cents from my own personal experience. My W and I are separated. She wanted a divorce, didnt want to work it out. OM was a bum like yours, showed his true colors and either she dumped him or vice versa. Anyways, I let her go. Keeping her took too much energy. Once I let her go, she has been trying like mad to come back to me??<BR>I am taking it slow, I dont want her back ONLY if it is because the other thing failed. So we are staying separated awhile. Strange thing is, she has been a new person. Loving, kind and considerate, Go Figure!!<BR>As I said, just my 2 cents! T.J.

Thanks. That is good to hear, but it is so hard to sit back and let things go. I hope that the OM does screw up, but I don't know that he will.

amd-clh, dont know if the other guy will screw up either, but one thing I do know is that you will screw up if you try to force it. Be cool, always a good rule. Women hate to be forced to choose, the forcer usually loses! Only, my 2 cents, GOOD LUCK. T.J.

I think the forcer always loses. I know last year I asked my W, who was separated from me at the time, to choose between me and her BF. Eventhough she really didnt' care for him all that much, she told me that if that is what I wanted, fine - she would choose him, because she didn't want to be put in that situation of being forced to choose. She has to be able to do it at her own pace. If we force them to choose, they will always choose the other one. Be patient my friend - I know it is very hard, but what will be, will be - we just have to wait,<p>[This message has been edited by rich1959 (edited January 29, 2001).]

I've received advice to talk to the BF and tell him to stay away. I am tempted, but not sure.

Although there is a wealth of knowledge on in this forum you might get better answers in the Plan A/Plan B forum. Because that's where you should be right now, Plan A. Read about Plan A, how to apply it, lovebusting, etc. Post in that group and you never know...<P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>I've received advice to talk to the BF and tell him to stay away. I am tempted, but not sure.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's a non-starter. Let's look at the possibilities:<P>1. He ignores you - you lose.<P>2. He drops STBXW after telling her. She knows why it happened. Not only were you already in her doghouse, you cut her off from someone she <I>did</I> think she liked - you lose.<P>3. He tells her and stays (this may be a long process if you keep contacting him) - she likes you less, likes him more (because he was honest with her and stayed) - you lose.<P>4. In the unlikely event he drops her without telling her, it's much more likely she will decide that all men are bad than return to you - you almost certainly lose.<P>Now, assuming you were a Machiavellian SOB, you might call him and advise him about her care and feeding. Gain his trust, be his buddy, to the extent that you start to manipulate her to return to you <I>through</I> him without him even realizing it. Are you as skilled as <I>Hannibal Lecter</I>? I doubt it. <P>It's best to just stay clear, at least for now.<P>

I am in the same thing. My wife told me on christmas eve to find someone else and the day after christmas she went to an atty. I have signed papers and followed the advice of others here to let her go and not contact her. The only contact that we have is when she calls or visits me. It is really strange but I feel stronger and in control because I had to strength to let her go. I know that she can sense that strength as well. I think that there is another man but not sure If it is who I think it is it is the same type of guy in your deal. Sooner or later he will screw up and the fog will lift and my STBX will maybe see that she messed up leaving me so quickly.<P>Take their advice back off and let her figure things out.<p>[This message has been edited by have hope (edited January 30, 2001).]

It is just so hard to do. Especially with the distance.<P>Right now I am thinking about moving to where she is, with my Brother. Not to confront her or anything like that, but to be close enough so that I will see her every once in a while. Plus I know her family very well (they support me and my efforts 100%) plus when he does screw up, I'll be there for her, in person and not over the phone. Face to face when she may need me the most.<P>Is that wrong? Should I just stay where I am and let things work its way out before trying to move there?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Is that wrong? Should I just stay where I am and let things work its way out before trying to move there?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Absolutely move. But make sure the move has a good "cover story". She mustn't feel she primarily drove the decision or it will make it awkward for her to contact you because you'll be a "stalker". I would even be careful about mentioning that she was a secondary motivation. Third position is probably pretty safe, though.<P>

Is it wrong to be talking to her family?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>Is it wrong to be talking to her family?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's never <I>wrong</I>, the question is "does it help?" That depends. If you've been close to them and you continue relationships or even expand upon them, I think that would be fine. If this is sudden, it'll look weird and probably do harm.<P>It never hurts to have her family as your allies ... being frosty to the OM, making it uncomfortable for her to be with them at family events as long as <I>he</I> is there.<P>She might even confront you about it at some point. Which is your opportunity to really shank him: "You want me to stay away from <I>your</I> family because <I>your</I> boyfriend can't seem to get along with them?"<P>After she and OM get through with each other over that one, he'll be <B>smoking crack</B> in no time.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> Absolutely move. But make sure the move has a good "cover story". She mustn't feel she primarily drove the decision or it will make it awkward for her to contact you because you'll be a "stalker". I would even be careful about mentioning that she was a secondary motivation. Third position is probably pretty safe, though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I really wouldn't worry about this. She's going to have a pretty good idea of what the real reason is, and I think it's best to be up front about it. Just don't force yourself on her once you get there.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> I really wouldn't worry about this. She's going to have a pretty good idea of what the real reason is, and I think it's best to be up front about it. Just don't force yourself on her once you get there.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not to debate, but mysteries are usually intriguing. And the question of <I>why</I> he really moved should be sufficient to eventually intrigue even the most incurious WS.<P>P.S. - My WS/XW moved <I>overseas</I> and then back to this town. Admittedly she has <I>some</I> kin here, and was able to pick up contract work with her former employer. But in a town of 2 million, she moved to a building she <I>despised</I> that is <I>right next</I> to the building where my mail center/office suite is located. We don't really talk right now, though. Don't you think curiousity about the <I>meaning</I> of what she did (even if it hasn't brought us closer together) has been driving me nuts?<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 30, 2001).]

That'll be the hard part. But I know it is for the best.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> Not to debate, but mysteries are usually intriguing. And the question of <I>why</I> he really moved should be sufficient to eventually intrigue even the most incurious WS.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Heh, heh. Very good point. Best not to say anything at all, if possible.<BR>

I am a little worried about her. Her actions seems to be so irrational. I talked to her mother, and she questioned what was going on. None of what is going on with her makes any sense. She even wondered if it was something more, something pshycological. Sounds like there is eveidence of that in her family.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by amd-clh:<BR><B>She even wondered if it was something more, something pshycological. Sounds like there is eveidence of that in her family.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't go there. Major lovebuster. Even if STBXW raises it herself <I>don't take the bait!</I>. <P>The <I>most</I> you can do is mildly agree with your STBXW if <I>she</I> questions whether some of her behavior might seem off-kilter; and say that you don't really know, maybe she should think about finding a doctor. Then drop it like a <I>hot potato</I>. Which it is.<P>