Hi CJ,<BR>I have repeatedly tried to get my wife to tell me what it is that our marriage was lacking. She just responds that we are too different, and that this relationship is not for her. How do I slow the train down when I can't find the brake and the engineer has locked the door to the engine.<P>I did ask her one night what it is that the OM gives her that I haven't. She said that he's alive, he isn't boring, we have a lot in common. Well alot of that is just the thrill of the affair. Part of it is that I know I took her for granted for some time as she did me. I'm sure that he has been putting on the old charm quite hevily also. <BR>I am doing plan A, and I have seen a change in myself...some people have commented, but my wife won't even look. She barely even speaks now. She communicates theough notes.<P>I know that I can give her all that he is and more. She is just trapped now in a place that I can't get to. I actually know who I am and am happy with that person. I have made major changes in myself since this all came about and I actually like what I see. I am more outgoing and upbeat. Part of that may be the anti-deps. <P>I used to love to talk to my wife...now we can't be in the same room without there being so much tension that it is uncomfortable. She can only talk about divorce and visitation with the kids.<P>When I look at her my heart still melts...just like it did 12 years ago. She says she feels ambivalent. No feelings at all. She is madly in love with someone else. I should love myself enough to move on if she doesn't love me. It's unhealthy to hang on...<P>I read about the success storys from it seems impossible odds...and then I listen to her and feel that there is no hope. I know better, but it would be nice to just talkk to her again like we used to. Hold her again like I used to.<P>Mike<p>[This message has been edited by mbtrk (edited February 09, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B>I have heard that the way to get your spouse back is to make them jealous. One book I read on how to stop your divorce is to start dating someone that your spouse sees as a threat. This usually sends a wake up call. It seems that it worked in your case. I have tried everything that I know and it is not working...maybe I need to do something different.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR><I>Do not</I> try to make your wife jealous. A wakeup call sounds nice, but you don’t want to send the message that you don’t want her. If at some point your wife starts to think she made a mistake, you don’t want her to dismiss that notion because she believes it’s too late. Personality and timing are both critical factors in this sort of game, and you can’t control them. You’d just be playing with fire.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I read in a book about raising responsible children, that you need to let them make decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions. If you keep bailing them out, they will never learn responsibility. Maybe I need to try this with her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There’s an important distinction here. Your relationship with your wife is not a parental one. You <I>can’t</I> try this with your wife, because it’s out of your control. You can only <I>accept</I> that your wife is making her own decisions, and that you both will have to suffer the consequences. Even though you know your wife is behaving in an immature manner, try to avoid taking a paternal attitude. If you treat her patronizingly, she will pick up on that very quickly, and she <I>won’t</I> like it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I probably did more damage than good during the first couple of months that I knew about this problem we were having. I probably pushed her away more than she probably would have gone. Dumb me...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Try not to kick yourself about this one. First, you didn’t know that your behavior would have a negative impact, and second, you <I>can’t</I> know that it actually <I>did</I> have a negative impact. Who knows, it <I>might</I> even have worked! Well, now you know that it didn’t, and like you said earlier, maybe you need to do something different.<P>Also, the contrast between your previous clinging behavior and your subsequent mature behavior may have a greater total impact than if you had simply been “cool” about everything from the beginning. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>Mike, I know it seems like awful, painful times to you (and it IS, don't get me wrong), but I think the best thing you can do is to slow down the train. Here's a tough question to ask yourself: what is it about the OM that attracts her to him? Does he take the time to talk to her? Does he understand, whereas you don't understand? I'm not accusing, just making suggestions. Does he compliment her? Does he notice the nice little things she does? This is a really hard question to ask yourself and answer truthfully, but being honest will give you a solid clue about what SHE NEEDED that you were not providing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is good advice, but don’t twist yourself in a knot over the question. First, you’d only be guessing, and second, you might have been doing exactly the same things as the OM, but your wife was too blinded by her feelings to notice.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B>I have repeatedly tried to get my wife to tell me what it is that our marriage was lacking. She just responds that we are too different, and that this relationship is not for her…<P>She says she feels ambivalent. No feelings at all. She is madly in love with someone else. I should love myself enough to move on if she doesn't love me. It's unhealthy to hang on...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>All cop-outs, and all BS. You <I>don’t</I> leave a long-term intimate relationship without feeling <I>something</I>. All your wife means is that she is hiding her feelings from herself. And the extent to which she has cut off communication demonstrates that she really has to work at it. Somewhere inside she must know that there are a few chinks in her wall, and she can’t risk letting you close enough to find them.<P>Furthermore, she wants you to “move on” because she believes that will somehow absolve her of her guilt and responsibility. But the <I>really</I> unhealthy thing to do is to betray oneself and one’s values.<BR>

THanks GDP<BR>All good advice. You make a lot of valid points. I keep telling her that I care about her and I miss her. THat is all I an do right now. She talks about dating and having a life with this other man and all I want to do is hold her and be with her. <P>It is very lonely here without her, and she just doesn't want anything to do with our past life. She told me last night that I will be served papers this week. it hurt to think that she can throw away 12 years without batting an eyelash.<P>Mike

Good morning to all!!<BR>Well yesterday was quite interesting. Last wek my wife decided that she did not want to talk to me at all unless it was about the kids. When she would come to the house in the morning, ahe would sit outside in her car until I left for work, and just scowl at me when I waved goodbye.<P>Well yesterday she walked right into the house and said good morning! I said hi and kissed the kids goodbye and started to leave, when she said "aren't you talking to me???" I looked at her in disbelief and said (kind of stupified) what are you talking about. You're the one who didn't want to talk? She said I know, and continued on with the kids.<P>What is this all about? I think that her mind is fried and she doesn't have a clue what she is doing. Hot/cold/cold/hot...I have heard about not making up your mind but...geez...this is unbelievable.<P>I guess that I will have to just go with the flow for now.<P>Mike

It's about ambivalence. Rejoice! Instability is to be preferred over a stable antipathy toward you.<BR>

Hey GDP,<BR>Instability...hmmmm, I've seen so much of that lately I thought that I was dealing with some unstable neuclear element. I am worried that she may have some sort of breakdown if things keep going the way they are. <P>Sometimes all I can do is sit back and laugh, because if I could catch her behavior on video tape and she ever comes out of this, she will be appalled at the way she has acted.<P>Thanks for your reply, and I really appreciate the support!<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions