I am a female and I have had orgasms during masturbation...during sleep...but none while engaging in sex with my mate. I used to think it was because I didnt love them enough, but now I am definately in love and still no orgasm. Anyone else have this problem? It is very frustrating and sad to me. I want to experience orgasm with my husband.

You aren't alone. I've read studies that said a large percentage of women aren't able to have orgasms with their husbands. <p>IMO, it isn't a psychological problem as much as a physiological problem. There are books to help, etc. <p>Many women cannot have an orgasm during intercourse, but can have one with their husbands during oral sex. <p>I don't know if this helped, but just know that you have different ways to try with your husband.<br>

Posted twice<p>[This message has been edited by deanne (edited 01-21-99).]

Thanks deanne,<br>It's good to know that I am not alone, and I know that just the closeness of sex with my husband is very gratifying. But I want to feel what he feels when we make love and he almost always has an orgasm. The other sad thing is I feel I have to lie sometimes and tell him I have had one. It would be too humiliating to tell him that he could not satisfy me, when it's not his fault. the oral sex thing you mentioned we do that, but still no orgasm. I wonder if anyone can help me on this forum...maybe I need a real life councelor. But that would mean telling my husband the truth. HIs dissappointment would be too much to take. I would be afraid that he would go find someone he could bring to orgasm. does this make any sense to anyone?<br>Is it all in my head? I really dont think so. I have never been able to bring myself to orgasm with just my hands or even a vibrator, but instead by pressing my thighs together by crossing my legs. this must sound terrible. But it is the truth. Except of course when I have orgasm in my sleep. then it's as easy as almost wishing it. But I dont have those very often.

I know it means a lot to me to have my wife orgasm during sex but letting her know that made it worse. If she couldn't she felt like she failed me and I wasn't truly satisfied. I found out later that just having sex with me was a major step, particularly if she didn't feel like it and I did, and the expectation of orgasm was just another brick for the load.<br>Try not to get so "goal oriented" about it and by all means try to think of some way you and your husband can do the crossed legs thing or whatever (I really don't know what that was).<br>Even if it's just a matter of him being in the same room and watching you (that is erotic for most guys) its a start. <br>Being a guy though, I realize that may be a tremendous step, maybe a leap, for a woman.<br>Lastly, I wouldn’t worry too much about him going out and cheating on you just so he can experience a woman’s orgasm. If you’ve been acting a little he probably doesn’t know your secret. We’re (at least speaking for myself and other men I know) are deep down pretty shallow. Sex affirms our commitment, and yes, having your mate orgasm is kind of important, but only because it let’s us know they’re enjoying the time also.<br>

You're not alone. I (and other women I know) don't have orgasms during "normal" intercourse without additional stimulation. I am able to have an orgasm during intercourse if I or my partner provide additional manual stimulation or stimulation with a vibrator on the clitoris. Another option is to have oral sex before intercourse if you can have an orgasm that way. Worrying about it, though, will inhibit your ability to have one, so try to relax and enjoy, and don't worry so much about whether you have an orgasm or not. I do understand how your problem can be upsetting (it used to be very upsetting to me). Please be assured it's not just you, and it's not a question of love. Maybe you just need to try a few things to enhance your experience. Good luck.

czechy,<p>I appreciate your input. Having my husband watching me though when I masterbate is something I dont know if I can do, especially the way I have to do it. Like you its so very important to him that I come. I tell him the truth sometimes and when I do he is very hurt and dissappointed and I just dont want to ruin his orgasm with the truth about the lack of mine. A woman can have many degrees of orgasm...from tiny to huge. I look at orgasm like this. There is a muscle that I can stimulate and just at the right moment it gets pushed over the edge to an orgasm, spiralling down in pleasure. Even if it was a small one, I would love to feel that with my husband. I know that when he stimulates my g spot I have intense pleasure there. But not enough to push me over the edge like I described. I cant help feel that there is something we havent tried that would bring me to orgasm. We are very much in love and it's not a matter of not loving or being attracted. <br>callalilly,<br>We havent tried the vibrator thing but we have done the oral sex. That doesnt work. But I have prayed about this and ask the Lord to make me orgasmal with my husband. It's just not right doing it alone without him. I always cry afterward. Perhaps this is something I shouldnt take to the Lord. But I have to keep trying. The crossing the legs thing puts a lot of pressure on the muscle that allows me to have orgasm. Merely stimulating the clitoris isnt enough, although it is pleasureable. Thanks so much for your advise. I feel better already just knowing that I am not alone.

Also I wanted to say that when do masterbate I am able to have up to 4 or 5 orgasms...but without my husband there to hold me it is really a shallow feeling afterward.

Hi Hopeful too!<p> I originally tried to respond yesterday, but the server had a problem (and I had some good stuff typed in!)<p>Actually, I thought about what you said on the way home last night and had some more ideas. I think Callalilly said it best, don't worry about being so "goal oriented". It'll just make it more of a "job" for you and less enjoyable. If it feels good, just enjoy it.<p>I was going to suggest a book that you might want to get. It's called "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed & Gaye Wheat. It's written from a Christian perspective and available in Christian bookstores. God made our bodies and intended sex between married people to be frankly, a lot of fun! There are exercises in the book that you and your H can work on together. I think if you're honest with him, he'd LOVE to help you become orgasmic. (Aw, Gee! We have to work on giving you orgasms again!?) <p>Orgasms aren't as simple for women to attain as men. Men can have a crappy day, get fired, wreck the car, spill coffee on their good shirt, etc, and if their wife opens the door in a flimsy nighty, they get an instant erection and can achieve orgasm in 5 minutes or less. <p> Women, on the other hand, need for everything to be "right" before they can respond positively, even if the stimulation is applied correctly and long enough. (by the way, you know it can take 45 minutes for a woman to receive enough stimulation to have an orgasm, don't you?)<p> Don't even think about "simultaneous orgasm", that only happens in the movies. <p>Women may have to "learn" how to have orgasms. It may take a while to develop this "skill", but the learning can be fun. "C'mon, hun, it's time to practice having orgasms!<p>No discussion of female orgasms would be complete without mentioning the PC (pubbococcygeus) muscle. I won't try to explain how it works (Check out the 'net under "PC Muscle" or "Kegel")<p>I could be wrong, but I think there have been studies that show that the strength and toning of the PC muscle in women is directly related to their ability to achieve orgasm and how pleasurable those orgasms are. There's also the added benefit of reducing the likelihood of uninary incontinence as you get older and better recovery from childbirth (if you're into that kind of thing )<p>So, don't worry, get comfortable, enjoy the "journey", sex is fun! Don't make it into a "job". <p>Val<br>The Husband<br>

Hopeful2,<br>Your hesitance about the exhibitionary masturbation is certainly understandable.<br>If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my wife is that her orgasms are 99% mental and 1% physical. So the barrier, so to speak, isn’t so much technique as it is mental preparation. My wife has to feel complete trust since she feels she is making herself vulnerable. Once she feels comfortable, she relaxes and sometimes it great for her, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.<br>I’d still seriously consider the masturbation alternative but I would encourage you to ask your husband first. He may feel just as uncomfortable as you (about watching) but may find it exhilarating that he can assist you and thus have a part in your orgasm. Keep the lights low, the covers on you, and tell him what you’d like to have him do. You could even make it a mutual thing and tease him by saying he can make love to you after your through.<br>But, by all means, don’t make it the ultimate goal. I really think he’d understand since the outcome (him experiencing your orgasms) is what you feel he desires anyway. I also think once you’ve orgasmed in his presence it might get easier.<br>

Dear V and czechy,<br>It's refreshing to see your posts and to know that you are loving and devoted husbands. V have you ever thought of going into sex therapy for husbands and wives? hehe.<br>I know it's true about the muscle you mentioned and though I wont try to spell it here, I am going to work on that. I have never done that before. Yes sometimes it does take 45 minutes for a woman to have an orgasm..sometimes only ten. And it's so true that it's 90 percent mental. Believe me that I have been 100percent charged up and ready to go and still no orgasm. I will get the book you mentioned. I will try anything to achieve this. Too I realize that working too hard is no good either. I do as I said enjoy just the physical closeness, and when my husband has an orgasm this is the ultimate goal for me. Just to know that I satify him and it's me and me alone. When I thought I had given up, that's when I said to myself, "Why should I settle for no orgasm, with my husband?" I had resigned myself. But as a Christian, I know that all things are possible and maybe I just thought that asking him such a thing would insult HIM. I realize I cant just sit back and say...ok...let's have a majic orgasm!!! LOL!<br>Thank you both for all the wonderful advise, and fancy that great advise coming from men as well as women! But more important it's been sincere with a true desire to help me. <br>

Just a quick word on the listing posted under this topic. What is more important? Maintaining the trust in your marriage by not lying to and deceiving your husband or giving him a false sense of accomplishment.<p>Many woman fail to realize that it is important for a man to meet his mates sexual needs. Now guess what, if he is not doing so and if he is led to beleave he is, then nothing will ever change and the deception will have to continue. Yes, it is deception! Talking about sex and desires is not always easy but if you try... The benefits may be resolution of this problem. Open and honest sexual talk within itself can be erotic and stimulating, try it...

John,<p>What you said hit me pretty hard. But honestly, what would you do if today your wife told you that she was faking and had never had an orgasm with you. What would you say to her? What would you be feeling? And what if she told you the truth and you and she tried to solve the problem to no avail, how would you feel towards your wife if you knew that no matter what you did...you could never bring her to orgasm with you? Please give an honest answer. Personally I am terrified of the truth...of the realization that I may never achieve this with my husband.

Hopeful, this is my situation and has been for as long as we've been married. Granted it's on the rocks now and we haven't had sex for some time but.....I've been completely unable to get my wife to reach orgasm. She is by far the toughest partner I've ever had on this subject. She has never masterbated and really doesn't know what would be "the right" thing to do during sex. I do the best I can to ask, "do you like it better like this...or like this?" We have made it a point a few times to try and reach that goal. We've tried oral, which I love to do and could do it all night... She on the other hand has a tendancy to push my head away when I start "hitting" it right...why? Then she'll get tired of trying that and she'll say "just got on top and finish".... I've stimulated her G spot too, it threw her for a loop but no orgasm. She said she never felt anything like it, it was very pleasureable but it's nothing like her sister explained (that's what she's baseing it all on). The only way I've been able to get her to orgasm has been to use a vibrator on her clitoris and a large dildo, but even that is a major workout and it'll take her a long, long time to get to the point where I can take over. Another way she seems to like it is in the missionary position but I have to really press down hard on my pelvic area in order to put enough pressure on her clitoris, but this is very tough for me as I'm not a very heavy guy and one can only get so much traction when on top... So yes, it does bother me that she can never have an orgasm without the toys doing the intitial work and most of the time she wasn't in the mood to go thru all that. I'd rather spend the night pleasing her and watching her enjoy the pleasure and not even be concerned about myself. I feel my wife just needed to relax a little more, she's a bit of a prude when it came to sex...brought up to think sex is dirty. That's how she feels about masterbation. It took the convincing by her sister to get the toys. I'd love to be able to get her to masterbate or use the toys in front of me just so I could "learn" what and how she needs it doen and also I think she'd be able to "learn" how to help herself reach that orgasm. Any hints on how to get her to loosen up? Don't mention booze, she won't drink. And hey, she seems to be warming up to me these days, maybe something will happen this weekend???... <br>Try new things, don't be afraid, don't avoid things you might think are taboo, you might just find the one thing that does it for you.<br>Hell, my wife used to frown on oral...."that's not right!" Now, she enjoys it...same with any position other than missionary, not the case anymore. Frankly, the only thing we haven't tried is anal, I'm not to up on that myself though... Who knows though, that might be the one??? could it be? (that's a question for you women out there) and if so, how would I approach it and what should be expected? Damn, now I'm all worked up.......

jmo,<p>Your post was very confusing to me. First you say you have never been able to get your wife to orgasm with you....then in another sentence you say the only way you got her to orgasm is by this and that. You could have oral sex all night? Yea most men would I suppose. but for some women it is something that is a bit nauseating... If a woman is inexperienced then it is even more difficult to do oral sex. That is something that is learned and an aquired taste so to speak. And even more important you have to be completely in love to do it. so you expected her to to do oral sex with you but you wouldnt be willing to have anal sex with her. Seems like you are a tad selfish. If your marriage is on the rocks now...then I think that orgasm or the lack of it, really wasnt the problem. some people marry for the wrong reasons or they think they are marrying a person who turns out to be someone very different from what they dreamed. To be truely in love and make a marriage work one has to be selfless in many ways...(both partners) That is why we are on this forum and read marriage builders. I know that after reading John's post, I got the courage to tell my husband the truth and it was ok. The world didnt fall apart. My husband told me that we had a lifetime to work on my problem and that nothing was ever gonna make him love me less. I pray that you reconcile with your wife...but if not maybe the problem wasnt the lack of orgasm but simply the lack of true care and love.

Sounds like your husband's a pretty good guy.

yes, he is a wonderful guy. He never fails to tell me I'm beautiful and he never tells me I'm too fat or other derogatory things. I am a bit overweight which bothers me when I compare myself to other women I see in stores or on the streets. But he says he doesnt want me to have their bodies, but he fell in love with mine. He tells me I am his best friend and the only friend he will ever need. Ofcourse he has aquaintances and so do I but we enjoy each others company and I guess that's why complete trust is so important and why I had to be honest with him.

I know its difficult for a woman to believe a man when he says he loves you just the way you are. When we're young and have great bodies and such we really seem focused on those superficial things. However, as I got older those things really didn't matter as much.<br>Sure, I could look at some beautiful young women at the club and think about what it would be like making love to her but the fact is that doesn't really appeal to me because, as I've gotten older, I've found the thing that truly excites me about my wife is that sometimes she just wants me. Those women we're supposed to be fantasizing about have no interest in us, therefore it would be meaningless. Call it passion, desire, whatever, but that what turns a guys crank.<br>My wife's physical condition (weight, hair, etc)trouble her much more than it troubles me. In fact, I rarely think about it.<br>I compliment her when I notice change but it really is much more important to her than me.<br>I recently remembered that when we read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus In The Bedroom there was the part about the woman who's husband was so tired at the end of the day that the idea of foreplay just made him more tired so he never wanted to have sex. One of their solutions was that she would go to bed before him and stimulate herself and then call him when she felt ready. That may work in your situation or at least get you closer.<br>Your relationship sounds like its on a good foundation and you seem to be approching the issue openminded which I feel is hopeful. Just try not to get pissed at God for not answering your prayer, that's tends to be my problem.

Czechy,<p>It's funny you mentioned age...I soon to be 45 and my husband is soon to be 42. we were just recently married back in July. No matter how old we get the need for love and passion is still the same. As we grow comfortable with someone, the passion begins to fade and that's what we as couples should strive to keep alive. Yes fantasies are just that and I know I have neve wanted a man who looks like Hulk Hogan or even a movie star. But there are qualities that we fall in love with in our mates that are unique to them and no one else. Perhaps the plus my husband and I have at our age is the fact that we know what we want and we are so happy we dont have to search for Mr or Mrs right. About the getting angry at God thing. I would never do that...or blame Him on my dysfunction. There are some books out ont the subject of orgasm in women that I am going to read. I have been searching the net. I will write more in a later post...

Also it's unfair for a woman to expect a man to bring her to orgasm when it is she and she alone that is responsible for her orgasm. Sure the man can do certain things but ultimately he cant have the orgasm for her. What you mentioned about getting ready for my husband so he wont have to work so hard especially after a long hard day is very good advise. When my hubby works overtime we have agreed that there is no sex at all. It's just too much..unless ofcourse it is spontaneous and he feels up to it. Back to the issue of a woman needing to be told she is beautiful by her mate...There is so much competition and the media has dictated to us that we must look young and thin and have big breasts. I cant believe the numbers of young teens that are having breast implants. So all this doesnt help our sense of self. However I know of a woman who dyed her hair blonde...had implants and was so happy...but her man left her for another woman without all these attributes. So another lesson learned. If someone doesnt love you for who you are then he is shallow and not the one for you. I do believe in a woman keeping herself in good shape though. with me I always put a little makeup on everyday and it just makes me feel better about my self and when I get exercise I have more energy to try new things in bed and what not....so I will keep the faith and the quest to reach orgasm with my hubby. But like everyone has told me I know that it is something I wont put before love and affection and will take a layed (pun intended) back attitude about it. God bless you all ....hopeful2