Dara,<P>You're in big trouble now. DePlume is on your case. He is right you know. You are judging again. My guess is that your H doesn't make a lot of sense because he is in a fog. Somewhat due to OW, but more do to his internal struggle.<P>If you were up to it, posting your H's letter might help us understand him a bit better. Dara, relax! You have a good chance of making this work. Just keep on changing your outlook and he will see a side of you he has never seen. In fact, I suspect you have never seen it either. This is the part of you that you have kept hidden. The soft part, the loving part, the independent, but dependable part of you.<P>Hang in there girl. You are doing well. Your H is confused. He is talking and listening even if you don't realize it. <P>God Bless<P>JL

Dara:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How do I figure he stopped me from asking? Throughout all the talking about my groth and reevaluating my decision he just listened. When he finally did speak it was only to say he does not have to accept my changes nor does he care to have me reconsider my decision. Whats done is done. Say what you mean kinda guy. You said you were leaving so do it. I said I want a D so I will do it even though I still love you. He even told me that he reconsiders every day if he has gone too far, but dammit he wants control of his own life. He wont change his mind over the D just because I love him and dont want it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dara, this sounds to me like he doesn't trust you. You have manipulated/controlled him for too long, and he is scared to death. Right now he is seeing your changes, liking your changes perhaps...but wondering what the "catch" is.<P>He wants to make a decision without pressure or manipulation from you.<P>I know you have to have talks with him to some extent until you decide to move or stay. But unless it's necessary...you really need to back off the relationship talks. I know you need them, but I would be willing to be he is seeing it as pressure, and wondering if you are still trying to manipulate and control.<P>You've only been changing over a very short period. He needs to see over time that your changes are genuine..that you won't abandon those changes when you don't get the outcome you want, or seize on a better method of manipulation.<P>Let him go. Big time. Let him be, let him study, let him do his thing. Just stay there in the background, love him when you have the opportunity, and work on you! <P>If you need a relationship talk, better come here and talk to us!<P>((hugs)) BR

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Learning as I go:<BR><B> I felt that he didnt care about me because he stated that he has zero interest in my "growth". This from the man that said recently that he wants to send me back to school, even if it takes years to do, because he will always care.<BR>He actually did not give me the impression that he eager to see me go. Just didnt care to listen to why I may want to stay.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dara, I think BrambleRose already explained this very well. But just in case, I'll reiterate: your husband doesn't <I>believe</I> in your "growth". How is he to know that this isn't just some new manipulative ploy on your part? <I>You</I> know better, but it's going to take time to convince him and actions still speak louder than words.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He even told me that he reconsiders every day if he has gone too far, but dammit he wants control of his own life. He wont change his mind over the D just because I love him and dont want it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow. It's very encouraging that he reconsiders every day. And it seems that the only thing keeping him from changing his mind is his need to have control over his own life. That's good news! If you let go of your attempts to control him, <I>which you should do anyway for both your sakes</I>, then he will have <I>no reason</I> to maintain his barriers. Furthermore, if you show him that you love him unconditionally (Plan A), he will have no <I>motivation</I> to maintain them.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>Dara:<P> Dara, this sounds to me like he doesn't trust you. You have manipulated/controlled him for too long, and he is scared to death. Right now he is seeing your changes, liking your changes perhaps...but wondering what the "catch" is.<P>He wants to make a decision without pressure or manipulation from you.<P>I know you have to have talks with him to some extent until you decide to move or stay. But unless it's necessary...you really need to back off the relationship talks. I know you need them, but I would be willing to be he is seeing it as pressure, and wondering if you are still trying to manipulate and control.<P>You've only been changing over a very short period. He needs to see over time that your changes are genuine..that you won't abandon those changes when you don't get the outcome you want, or seize on a better method of manipulation.<P>Let him go. Big time. Let him be, let him study, let him do his thing. Just stay there in the background, love him when you have the opportunity, and work on you! <P>If you need a relationship talk, better come here and talk to us!<P>((hugs)) BR</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi BR,<P>Yes I agree he doesn't trust me. Definitely not with his feelings. And I agree wholeheartedly with you that he wants me to make a decsion w/o him or his input. That could be construed as him wanting me to stay. Yes I have manipulated him waayy too long. He probly views me "changing my mind" as another last ditch fit to change his mind. Because he did ask me to stay after I first told him. Willing to bet he thinks that it is getting closer to me leaving and I have cold feet, and am holding on to any remissions he has made.<P>After last night and the distraction comment, I find it easier to let him go. Do his own thing. But it is honestly done out of withdrawl, and self protection. It is hard to love in this state of mind.<P>Thank you for the invite to stay and have my need for realtionship talks here. I am worried about wearing out my welcome here, and over running the board with my posts. But if it saves a marraige I suppose it is worth it. Thank you for being there for me. And kicking me in the as* when I need it.<P>That, my friend, is a true friend. You.<P>Dara<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> Wow. It's very encouraging that he reconsiders every day. And it seems that the only thing keeping him from changing his mind is his need to have control over his own life. That's good news! If you let go of your attempts to control him, <I>which you should do anyway for both your sakes</I>, then he will have <I>no reason</I> to maintain his barriers. Furthermore, if you show him that you love him unconditionally (Plan A), he will have no <I>motivation</I> to maintain them.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Gnome,<P>I value your insight. Stay on my case please. Yes! WOW! that he has admitted that he reconsiders every day. BUT, this was said when he was quite lit. And followed by "I dont care anymore. If I still love you when I am 75 yo, which I probly will, you'll NEVER know it."<P>HUH?<P>And, if you have read my post "Fatal Blow" last night, ouch. I told BR that right now I feel numb completely. In a self protective state. No will to fight back ( like saying "what the hall was THAT comment made for ya jerk?"<BR>I did not engage him. Couldnt. <P>In this state I find difficult if not impossible to show him ANY love.<P>Gnome, I stated to BR that I have never been hurt like this before. All the things he has told me over the past few months yes they hurt. But he also told me cared about me too. My reaction would usually be one of two things, or both when faced with pain from him.<BR>-become defensive (How could you? Who do you think you are?<BR> I would engage him, call him on it.<BR>Or,<BR>-Be hurt, admit it, and search frantically for some kindness from him to validate that he did not mean it<P>Or both. Number one followed by number two.<P>Now, neither is the case. Just totally numb and stunned. Vegetative as BR described it.<P>Hopefully time will heal me, and I will be able to show him my love again. Right now I want to keep my distance.<P>Dara<BR>