Gnome,<P>You are WISE WISE WISE WISE WISE...<P>...borne of pain, just like me...<P>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Learning as I go,<P>Getting the book tonight at our library. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll keep you posted. <P>Bill

Well then Gnome, what is the answer?<P>If you chose the same path, which was the biginning of the end, what are your regrets, what would you have done differently ini the face of heartache?<P>So you understand where I am at. <P>And yes it was fear of being hurt again that prevented me from responding to him.<P>Answers?

Dear Dara, as Sheryl said, Gnome is a wise wise man.<P>Go back and read your threads from the last few days. We've been giving you the answers...you haven't heard them.<P>((hugs)) BR

...and yes, dearest Dara, listen to BR and Gnome and JL and the rest of us -- yes, even me... just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you've had the answers all along (since you came here, and maybe even before)...you just don't see them...<P>Go back, read, take notes... <P>My darling girl, you about to lose it all... we can all see it... and we want to help you.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Learning as I go:<BR><B>Well then Gnome, what is the answer?<P>If you chose the same path, which was the biginning of the end, what are your regrets, what would you have done differently ini the face of heartache?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am, unfortunately, not so wise as to know what I should have done differently. All I really know is that when I stopped talking about my feelings, my wife's imagination was given free reign to manufacture all kinds of strange ideas. Shortly before my wife finally left me, she opened up and started telling me not just about her thoughts and feelings, but about <I>mine</I>. It became clear to me that she was wrong about a lot of what was and had been going on in my heart and mind, but unfortunately she was no longer giving me opportunity to speak of such things and I had no way to reassure her.<P>The trick, I think, is to speak of your feelings without ever becoming accusatory. You have to keep pointing out that what you are saying is how you <I>feel</I>, and that you are <I>not</I> saying that that's the way it <I>is</I>.<P>Perhaps if I had had a greater personal presence, instead of trying to keep out of my wife's way while I waited timorously for her to make some request of me, she would have remembered who I really was instead of getting me mixed up with her father and turning me into the projective repository for her <I>own</I> negative feelings about herself.<P>I just don't know. I don't spend much time second-guessing myself any more. Over the years I tried everything I could think of to show my wife that I loved her, but I finally had to realize that she would never trust in my love as long as she believed that she was not lovable.<P>I'm afraid I'm not being very encouraging. But, Dara, your husband is still reaching out to you. I see a lot more hope in your situation than in mine. (And I still have quite a bit of hope for my situation, in spite of not having spoken with my wife in, oh, almost nine months now, and in spite of the terrible accusations she has made against me. I have faith in her heart, and in the power of God.)<P>For dealing with the heartache, I keep going back to empathy. When I think of the pain my wife must have gone through, and the pain she must be experiencing now, I hurt for her so much that my own pain fades into the background. And it's so much easier to forgive an injury that was inflicted accidentally than an injury that was inflicted through malice. My wife is like a drowning swimmer, lashing out at the nearest would-be rescuer. The wounds she has given me are very real, but I know not to take them personally.<BR>