Hi Bill. Thought I could have the honor of posting the 300th post!!<P>Are you here today?<P>How are you holding on there bud?<P>Dara

Surviving minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I'm actually doing better than I thought I would. I guess I can thank the Lord for that.<P>I spent the evening with the girls last night. We had a blast. We all were laughing so hard that I was waiting for someone to make a puddle.<P>I got a call about 2 hours ago from school. Middle daughter Myki was not feeling well (stomach ache and headache). I called Lisa and asked if she could watch her (it's Lisa's day for the kids anyway) she said she could if I could bring Myki to her. Remember, Lisa has no job. I drive 30 miles to pick Myki up, 20 miles to drop her off, and another 20 miles back to work. <P>Well anyway, I get to Lisa's house and she is not very happy. Sends Myki to go change her clothes and the following conversation takes place:<P>Lisa: You shouldn't pick her up like that again<BR>Bill: Why<BR>Lisa: You know she's not that sick and she needs to stay in school<BR>Bill: Lisa, I know why she's not feeling well and maybe she needs some additional attention right now<BR>Lisa: You can't let her do this or she just won't want to go to school<BR>Bill: STOPPED CONVERSATION BEFORE ARGUEMENT COULD START<P>So how was your weekend?

Lisa feels guilty, knowing fully well that "headaches and tummyaches" are many times emotional in nature. You did the right thing by picking her up, and recognizing that she needs a little extra loving right now. I truely hope, for the kids sake, that she is warmer to them when you are not around.<P>My weekend was okay, worked both days. Had a nice talk with Rick Friday evening. He asked me several times to stay. Even went as far as saying that he wont pursue a D, will hang in there for the kids. Even suggested family counseling, which shocked me b/c he has always been so adament about counselors being worthless. That only a weak person would need someone else with a degree, to tell them what they should already know. I am proud of myself, I stood my ground. I toild him that I really want him to be happy. That I couldnt live with him and not be his wife. I couldnt foresee myself getting over all the insecurites I have w/o his help. Meaning if he werent willing to work on the marraige. <P>He is talking to me again, being affectionate occasionally, smiling. No longer climbs to the other side of the bed. Thought about posting this, but I'm too lazy right now to attempt to articulate it. It is so wonderful to feel ok though. When I came home yesterday, we weeded the fruit garden together. I had kinda given up on my passion of gardening, being caught up in this funk, but it felt so good to get my hands dirty again. And to hear him talking about what he would like to do to the yard, saying we should plant more berries, etc. I just sat and listened and weeded in amazement. <P>I think it is getting real close to us leaving, even though he said he is going too, and he is second-guessing himself maybe. He has been so considerate of my feelings too. But honestly, he says that he cant foresee us being happy together. Or him ever being happy. He just sees wounds. But healing does come, God is compassionate. Richard just hasnt gotten there yet.<P>Oh, Bill, how are you? You sound ok, I hope you are not going numb to this. Going into a state of withdrawl to protect yourself. How are the girls?

You worked two days in a row? WOW!!!!<P>I too hope that she is more compassionate when I'm not around. Myki is her fathers daughter and acts like him a lot.<P>I am doing OK. I'm not withdrawing or going numb. I've battled the numbness a couple of times, I stop and pray, and it seems to be working. The kids are hanging in as good as can be expected. Still have a lot of emotions, of course. They will be with me Tues and Fri nights and then we will all be together all day Saturday for State Baton.<P>I got a little confused by your last post. What do think that Rick or Rich or Richard(whatever his name is) is going to do? Is he staying or going? Are you staying or going? Are you giving him the option of going if you go?<P><BR>PS. I found a new way to sleep. I put two body pillows on my bed, one on each side. It works for a little. Don't think I've slept for more the about 2 hours at a time.

Sorry, I just reread what I typed and I sound like a smartA**. <P>Not my intention but you do type his name about 40 different ways.

I'm glad you are holdiing up. Praying is the best source of comfort isnt it?<P>No sarcasm noticed, even if you were, I would take it as a joke. Like I would know where you are coming from. I also call Dic* when I'm mad at him. Wasnt that a nickname for Richard back in the 60's? JK.<P>He says he is going if I am, for the kids. But is worried sick about the envirement for them. SAPD on all middle and high school campuses, and Emory will be in middle school next year. Child abductions are a daily headline. So are drive by shootings and gang initiation's. Here, our kids are sheltered from that life. Very family oriented city, great neighborhood, a cul de sac, wonderful schools. They can be children here. Not worry about how they might be jumped if they wear the wrong color cap, by a gang. But when I said I stood my ground, i meant that I dont want to stay here just to co-exist. I want to be his wife!! I want to make him happy. <P>Do you have a support system there? Friends you can be with?

OK Back on the same sheet of music as you and Dic*. Only one request, you said that you wanted to make him happy. You do know that you can't make anyone happy don't you? You need to happy with yourself and then you can have influence on someone's happiness.<P>Police in schools is becoming more common everywhere. In the town I work in with it's population of 40,000 there are cops in all the schools. Kansas has the some gang problems. I hope that there is some way that you can limit their risk and exposure. <P>I do have a pretty good support system. I call my mom and my two sisters a lot. I don't speak with my dad often, he doesn't share the same values in life that I share. I also call a couple of close friends now and then. No real close friends in the town I live in but there are a couple of people I talk to. My co-workers are very supportive.

The thing that I already miss so much is hugging or any other physical contact. No not that you dirty minded fool. Holding hands or just brushing by each other as we walked down the hall.<P>The power of a hug is amazing. A male pastor gave me a hug the other day at church and it really brightened up my day. NO I'M NOT GAY, plus he's way to old. Just the feeling of being in someone's arm and the feeling that someone really cares.

On a lighter note, you would be amazed at how many people have said well I'm here if ya want to go get a beer or something. Is every male friend that I have an alcoholic? Can men not just say "I'm here if you need to talk"? Why do most men have to put on this macho routine? <P>You know if one of my buds was in the dumps I wouldn't say Hey let's go get drunk, you'll feel better after you've puked on some green carpet.<P>

You are more emotional in nature, thats why you probly crave talking and emotional support as compared to 'getting a beer.'<P>Do you have a pastor to talk with?<P>green carpet, lol sam I am.

I have two pastors (one male/one female) that I talk with. They have been great. I still just wish you'd come here and zap the alien so that I could have my Lisa back.<P>Don't get me wrong about the beer thing. I do enjoy a good beer. I used to be a member of the "U.S. Olympic Beer Drinking Team". I opted out of the olympics to turn pro. JK<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Learning as I go:<BR><B>You are more emotional in nature, thats why you probly crave talking and emotional support as compared to 'getting a beer.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think that crave is a strong enough word. The house is sooooo quiet that I start to go a little stir crazy. I guess I can thank Lisa for one thing, she left the house such a mess that it will take me days to get it cleaned. Just in time for her to come take a whole bunch more stuff and mess it up again.<P>It is hard talking with most people like my family. They are so pissed off at what she is doing that they talk down about her. This still is the woman that I love and it's hard hearing those words. I don't believe that it is their intention to bad mouth her, it's just that they don't understand why she is doing this. Come to think of it neither do I.<P>Well tonight it's just me, the dog, the 3 cats, and the fish. After I go to the gocery store (kids made a menu for when they come to dad's house) I do have dates with the broom, mop, and other cleaning devices. I want to continue to do more research for my atty appointment on Wednesday.<P>You no what? None of this feels real. I've accepted it's happening and feel that I'm dealing with it okay, but it just doesn't seem real. <P>

Learning as I go:<P>This is earth calling are you there.

Last night Lisa agreed to temporary parenting plan that will give me the girls 3 nights a week and her 4 nights a week. It's not the 50/50 that I wanted but I think for now it will work OK. In Kansas, we will be required to go through mediation to resolve our final parenting plan. Our temporary orders hearing is set for Monday. I hope that all goes well.<P>Bill

Hey Bill...<p>For old times sake I thought you'd get a kick out of this.<p>Look how much has changed since May!!!<p>Dara

OMG!!!! I can't believe you found that......<p>I read though about every other page just kind of skimming.<p>"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"<p>I don't think I've seen a post with so much pain as well as pleasure. On one hand I was going through hell with Lisa (Pain), then someone took my hand and led me to a better place (Pleasure).....<p>If I haven't said it lately, thank you and you know you will always hold a special place in my heart....<p>You 349 pound twinky eatin winnybagel livin redneck. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Isnt it great? <p>I'm still reading. Your were such a tremendous support to me BIll.<p>Signed,<p>Twinkie-Tastin-Trailer-Trash