My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years, and our marriage had been wonderful until 8 months ago, when I noticed that she had lost the desire for intimacy as well as the feeling of being "in love" with me. Up until that point, I have always made meeting her most important emotional needs my top priority in our marriage. When I asked her about the lack of desire for intimacy, she replied that she didn't know the reason and when I asked her to seek counseling with me, she declined. <P>About 3 months ago, She admitted to having an affair with a man she had met on the internet. She has told me that she has cut off all communication with this man, which allowed us to start the recovery process. Last week she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore and that she wanted a separation from me. When I asked what I did through our marriage to deserve a separation, she told me that I have not done anything to cause her to want to be separate, it was just the fact that she no longer wanted to be married. <P>We are 28 and 26 and thankfully we have no children. I would like to hear from other people who may have been through the same situation. I would appreciate any comments.<P><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Positivebyran,<P>Sorry to have you here under these circumstances. Sounds like wife is either still involved with OM or is going through withdrawl. Either way she is in "the fog".<P>Most of us here don't want to be here and are fighting to save our marriages. There is lots of good advice here to help you with that.<P>Be prepared for a lot of emotional ups and downs and waffling from your wife. One day she may want a D the next she will be in tears saying she can't believe she hurt you like that and you will be better off without her. It is your job to always remain calm. Allow her to talk, vent, rage etc.. If you want your marriage you need to be her safe place. That means no Love Busting. It is hard to do that at this time but is very important.<P>There are others here who will help you with much better advice than I can offer.<P>Someone should post you a general welcome. Please read everything on this website it will help. Read the book Surviving An Affair and others such as Private Lies by Pittman. it will help you understand your wife better. Read here as well. One thing you will learn reading here is that what you and your wife are going through is just like everyone else. All WS walk the same walk and talk the same talk. It really is eerie at times. <P>People also like to know things like has she filed, are you still living together, the more details the better the help.<P>We are here for you, take care.<P>

Welcome <B>positivebryan</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>HopelessinAZ</B>... is right!...<BR>"Sounds like wife is either still involved with OM or is going through withdrawl!"<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Read all you can...<BR>Don't be alarmed that I (one who has gone through Plan A... Plan B... and now is recently divorced)... am posting a reply to you! Know that the MB methods work... even if you are lead down the path of divorce!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

HopelessinAZ...<P>Thank You so much for your comments. I believe that my wife is in withdrawal right now and I am doing everything I can to make our home her "safe place". Like you said, she is waffling alot, one minute she is crying to me and saying how much she loves me and the next she is looking for another place to live. I have read Surviving an Affair and I listen to Dr. Harley every week on the radio here in Minneapolis. Dr. Harley has helped me out tremendously during the recovery phase.<P>We are still living together by the way.<P>Thanks Again..<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

positivebryan,<P>Extremely similar story. My divorce just came final last week. She moved out about a year ago. I am 30 yrs old - she was 27. Married 4 years (would have been 5 in June). It has been a long hard road for me, but I have made it through. I never wanted the divorce but unfortunately I had no choice - it was all her decision.<P>Another friend here at MB also went through almost the exact same thing. My advice is to do a search on my name: SoTired2000, then do a search on: Jayhawk 93. You can get to the search screen via the link below - just enter my screen name in the box labeled "Search by User Name:". You may find out that you are very much not alone in this situation - I have heard of quite a few divorces happening, initiated by the wife who was in the exact same age group as our wives...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34</A> <P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

sotired2000..<P>Thanks for your comments. May I asked what reasons your wife gave you when she asked for the divorce. How can people do these things to their partners whom they love?<P>Take Care..<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Bryan,<P>I am so sorry to hear of your story and a part of me hurts every time someone new joins this site. I’m sorry that you are here, but if you take some time and read through these posts, you will learn a lot. You will find some very helpful, understanding and supportive people within the realm of our little family here. Although you may not always find the answers you are looking for, you will receive encouragement and sound advice.<P>Just a brief history of my story: My ex and I lived together for 5 years prior to getting married. We were then married less than 2 years when she gave me the line about not being “in love” with me and expressed her desire for a divorce. I signed my divorce papers the day of my 2-year anniversary. I was 28 and she was 25 when we were wed. Although our marriage was not perfect, we lived by some very sound fundamentals and I was completely blindsided by her unhappiness and desire for divorce. To this day, she has never admitted to an affair. It just seems that she was too young when we married and she never had time to experience life for herself. As hard as that concept is for me to understand, I have just come to accept it.<P>Those people who really know me can tell you that I have analyzed and speculated as to every possible angle regarding her decision to leave. I have theory upon theory, but when it comes down to it, the end result remains the same. I was going through therapy for awhile in the beginning and the first therapist I saw harshly said, “sometimes women just marry too early.” That concept just didn’t seem feasible to me. It seemed too easy of a statement to make from someone who didn’t know my ex and didn’t know about our history. Now that about 10 months has passed, I can honestly say that this therapist may have been right.<P>The best advice I can give you here is to follow your heart and don’t allow the opinions of others sway you in the way you treat your wife throughout this difficult time. There were many things that I did not like or agree with during my divorce, but I always treated my ex with love and respect. I hated what she was doing, but I never hated her. As I’m sure you will see from past posts between myself and Mike (SoTired200), he and I share many of the same beliefs and did our best to conduct ourselves accordingly. You’ll probably come across friends and maybe even family members who won’t understand your motives for remaining “the nice guy”, but as long as you can honestly look yourself in the mirror each day and know that you have done your best, you’ll have no regrets. <P>My ex commented to me once how surprised she was that I remained calm and understanding through the entire divorce process. I could have made things difficult for her and I chose not to. She actually thanked me for the way I handled myself. It wasn’t much considering that her actions truly were devastating to me, but it just reminded me to be proud of myself.<P>I wish you the best and I hope that your situation never makes it as far as mine, but if it does, remember that all things happen for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason may be. Continue to read and to learn from what this site has to offer. My goal for a while now has been to learn what I can to improve myself and my communication abilities so that my next marriage will be so much more than my previous one. I have already come a long way, but my journey is far from over.<P>Take care,<P>Shawn <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by positivebryan:<BR><B>sotired2000..<P>Thanks for your comments. May I asked what reasons your wife gave you when she asked for the divorce. How can people do these things to their partners whom they love?<P>Take Care..<P>Bryan<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>What did my wife say? I quote: "I'm just not 'in-love' with you anymore"...<P><BR>Shawn pretty much said it all in his reply. Not sure how much I could add. For some reason I am kind of "brain-dead" today? Maybe I'll be more helpful in the next day or two...<P>BTW: Shawn, I totall forgot to tell you!! The day of our divorce she stopped by after court to drop some things off. As she was leaving she THANKED ME for being so nice throughout this whole ordeal. Are you sure we did not marry the same woman by chance <P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Shawn...<P>Thank you very much for your comments. I would like to know if it would be possible for me, you and Mike to exchange email addresses in order to discuss our situations. I feel like I am handling the situation exactly like the both of you and I feel very proud of myself for being the person that I am and always respecting my wife no matter what happens to our marriage.<P>Thank You<P>Bryan<P>My email address: rieagan@aol.com<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Bryan,<P>I'd be more than happy to share emails with you, but as I think Mike will agree, having our conversations in the forum is more beneficial to everyone. Many issues are brought up in the course of our conversations and keeping them in the public eye also allows multiple opinions to be shared. However, I do understand that some topics / issues are more comfortable being discussed through email.<P>I just don't want you to rely solely on my point of view or Mike's for that matter, and if you only express your thoughts through email, you'll be missing out on what so many other wonderful people have to offer out here.<P>With that said, you can email me at jhawk93@kc.rr.com <P><BR>Mike,<BR>You and I have often wondered if we married the same woman as these little similiarities keep surfacing Who knows what runs through the minds of these young women when they are in the "fog." Sorry ladies, but a little bitterness is allowed to sneak through from time to time....

Jayhawk..<P>Thanks for your message. I also agree that our opinions and ideas should be shared with everyone, but its nice to talk with the guys who are or have experienced the same issues with their wives.<P>Thank you and Take Care!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

I agree 100% with Shaun on this one. E-Mail is great, but I found that what helped me the most was when someone chimed in who saw things from a totally different perspective - even the spouses who were the ones that were currently or had previously been in "the fog".<P>I can tell you 100% that you will get the MOST out of this site if you are completely honest in your writing. Not only will it help get things off your chest, but all of us here will get to know you that much better.<P>And just in case you do want the "direct route", you can reach me at mzielin@aol.com<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike..<P>Thanks for your message. I agree that this site is wonderful! Take Care of Yourself and God Bless!<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hi positivebryan,<P>I noticed that I am in the same predicament as you are, except I am the other half. I have not had an affair, but the situation is similar, I am 25, he is 29...married for 3 years...seemingly wonderful marriage up until recently..etc.<P>So perhaps I can air what I am feeling and try to determine if I am insane. <BR>Ok. I have been feeling that something has been wrong/missing for the past year. I have little desire for intimacy or sex. But the thing is, up until recently, I was resonably happy with the status quo. Then I realized what was missing... a spark. I realized that it wasn't that I was averse to sex, but that kissing him was like kissing my brother. Nothing. Nada. No spark. One of the reasons I didn't realize it was my inexperience? at love. I mean, you meet a great, nice guy whom you like to spend time with and you think, 'this is good'. But now I am wondering about the entire baseline of our marriage... questions like: did I marry for the right reasons? Is liking one's spouse enough? Should there be a spark? Should I be happy without a spark?<BR>I hate to say it, but Jayhawk may be right, that 'Women sometimes marry too early'. <BR>But unlike SoTired2000's wife who said 'I'm just not 'in-love' with you anymore', I would say 'I don't know if I ever did love you'. (which is very very harsh, I know)<BR>So now you see why I am questioning my sanity.<BR>So tell me... would you spend the rest of your life with someone who you just didn't 'do it' for you? This is the question I am struggling with. <BR>I would appreciate your insights..<BR>Ook.

Ook..<P>First of All, Thanks for your message. To answer your questions, I do believe that some women marry to early and sometimes they are too immature to handle the responsibilities of marriage. I believe that my wife enjoys the "benefits" of marriage, but I sometimes think that she cannot handle the responsibilities that come with being married. <P>When you first met your husband and decided that he would be the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, what qualities do you see in him that led you to your decision to get married to him. The reason why I am asking this question is to uncover the good qualities that you found in your husband. <P>Your situation is very similar to mine and from a guys point of view, it is VERY frustrating. My wife has told me that she loves me very much, and that I am her best friend, but she doesn't feel "in love" with me anymore for some reason. She doesn't seem to know why she is feeling this way, which makes our relationship even more confusing and frustrating for me. <P>Imagine if your marriage is doing fine and one day your husband came to you and said, "I am just not in love with you anymore" This makes you feel like dirt! <P>I admit that some people marry too early, but you must understand how this affects your spouse. My wife has told me that I am a wonderful husband, but she still claims that she "loves me", but not "in love with me". <P>Please write back with more about your situation. I would like to discuss our situations more in depth.<P>Thanks<P><P>------------------<BR>BJK

I am going thru the same thing with my H who has been having an affair. Only we're married 15 yrs with 3 kids- then suddenly he claims he's out of love with me and we should divorce. Then a day or two later he'll change his mind. He even filed papers on me 3 wks ago then cancelled them the next day. He loves me he loves me not, he wants a divorce, he wants one not... talk about emotional torture! I never thought I would be in this spot. It hurts.....Once they get involved emotionally with someone else thats what they obsess about. Reality just isnt as exciting. I hope my H comes to his senses before he splits our family in two for keeps. My kids dont deserve that and neither do I. The only thing that keeps me going is the commitment I made to God. If he wants a divorce HE will be the one that has that on his conscience forever. Take care Brian you are not alone here

Hi Ook,<P>I know your post was directed toward Bryan, but I’m going to respond here as well. I hope you don’t mind…..<P>Based on what you have already said, you sound exactly how my wife sounded or at least came across to me right before she asked for the divorce, so your situation is very near to my heart (and mind). My wife said very similar things to me, although she never said that being with me was like being with her brother (yuk), unless you are from West Virginia (sorry, Mitzi ), being intimate with your brother should not be a natural feeling. I guess I question if you have always felt that “spark” was missing or if it just faded away?<P>I really don’t mean to pry any way here, but I am going to ask some questions, some generalities, which will hopefully cause you to think a bit before responding. I don’t expect you to share any of these insights if you don’t feel comfortable, but I hope you will be true to yourself when you think about them. <P>Did you ever feel that “spark” for your husband?<BR>When did you realize that spark was missing or was never there?<BR>Why did you get married?<BR>Have you shared these feelings with your husband?<BR>If that spark were present, would you stay in the marriage?<BR>Are you willing to see a counselor to discuss your feelings?<BR>Would your husband be willing to see the counselor with you?<BR>Do you view love as a feeling or as a decision?<BR>Have you read any books about relationships or fulfillment of individual needs?<BR>Do you know if your husband feels that spark for you?<BR>If you husband told you that he was willing to do anything to save this marriage, would that be enough for you to work on it yourself?<BR>Do you understand the concept of “mature love” or do you think that all love is “movie” love?<P>Some of these questions I have asked here are the same things I asked of my ex once her news broke. Like you, my ex also told me that the “spark” was missing and she never knew if it was ever there. That thought alone just bewilders me to no end. We were together for 5 years <B>before</B> we were married. Every emotional and rational thought in my body tells me that after 5 years with a person one should be able to know if getting married was the right thing to do. My ex said that she knew at the time of the wedding that getting married was a mistake. If this is true, I just wish that she would have said something about it back then and not buried her feelings like she did. I tried explaining to her how selfish it was for her to go through with the wedding knowing that it was wrong for her, but she fails to see it that way. I could go into more detail on that concept, but then I’d be straying from my initial thoughts.<P>I firmly believe that relationships go through stages and they evolve over time. I also believe that it’s common for individuals to fall in and out of love within that evolution. I agree that the “spark” is a vital part of any relationship, but that spark does change over time. It doesn’t mean that it won’t ever return, it just means that there are reasons as to why it has diminished. In my view, as relationships evolve, so does the love. Mature love (which to me is also “healthy” love) is what all marriages should be based upon and not just that allusive spark as it initially begins. As relationships mature, that spark turns into a love which is unconditional and everlasting. You get to a point where your feelings for your spouse are just so deep that being without the other person leaves you feeling hollow. It doesn’t mean that you can’t exist without the other person, it just means that the other person has become a part of you and of who you are.<P>One of Dr. Harley’s books entitled, “His Needs, Her Needs” explains the concept of the “Love Bank” and how this contributes to the feeling of being “in love.” I honestly have not finished the book yet, but this one concept alone has become very enlightening to me. It is really a very basic, almost simplistic view of love, but it makes perfect sense. I’ll have no way of ever knowing this for sure, but I have a gut feeling that applying the simple concept of the love bank could have saved my marriage. Of course if my ex felt as if she had spent 7 years of her life with her brother, then the love bank concept would not have worked. If you haven’t already, I highly suggest you read this book.<P>I understand your feelings and I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with a person who didn’t “do it” for me, however, that type of realization really should be made prior to those marriage vows. I think that takes us back to the idea of people getting married too young. And it’s not always women who are guilty of this. I think women get wrapped up in the romance part of a wedding and it’s easy for them to put their true feelings off for a time because of it. That’s were the maturity comes into play. There’s no specific age when this maturity happens as it just comes from life experience. My ex was very naïve when it came to certain things. She went from her parent’s house, to college with a roommate, to me. She never had the time to live on her own and to learn about life for her. She always had someone else “doing” for her and she really had things pretty easy. I have little doubt that had she spent this alone time prior to our meeting, we would not be divorced today. Of course, we may never have been married in the first place either.<P>Anyway, I could go on forever with this topic, but I think what you are feeling is rather normal and common. The question becomes whether or not a divorce is the answer to your woes? You made the decision and commitment of marriage, and for that, I think you are responsible for exploring every avenue available before walking away from the relationship. Think back to those vows and what they meant to you. It’s easy to say that you are not “in love” and that you are just going to walk away, but is that really the answer? If your husband is a good man and he truly loves you, he should be willing to work on things with you. My ex told me that I was a great guy, a great provider, her best friend, on and on…….it was just that she didn’t want to be married to me. Well to be honest, great guys are hard to come by and one of these days, I really think my ex is going to regret the decision she made at this point in her life.<P>From a man scorned, please give your situation a lot of thought before deciding to walk away. If you haven’t shared your feelings with your husband, please do. Don’t leave him in the dark until you get to the point of no return. My ex already made the decision for a divorce before she ever told me that she was unhappy. From experience, I can tell you that this type of betrayal can be extremely damaging to another person. True it wasn’t an affair, but in my eyes, it might as well have been.<P>Whatever you decide, just be honest with yourself and with your husband. As someone who has been on the receiving end of what you are feeling, please just don’t walk away.<BR>

Jayhawk...<P>When I read your post to Ook, I couldn't help but get some tears in my eye about what you had to say. You explained the feelings that we are experiencing EXACTLY! Your take on "Mature Love" was right on! <P>I will never understand how someone can leave someone whom they consider, A wonderful husband, A wonderful person, A wonderful provider, and A best friend. I think that this question will forever go unanswered in the history of relationships. <P>To all of you married females out there, this experience is the same to us as if your husband came up to you and said, " I want a divorce because you have gained 5 pounds since we have been married." <P>When you marry someone, you vow to be together for better, worse, richer, poorer, til death do you part! I think some people need to start getting REAL with their feelings of love before they commit to a marriage. <P>What Jayhawk said about " a good man is hard to find" is very true. I can honestly say that I am a good man just like Jayhawk, and we need to find someone who will respect us for our character and moral values that we bring with us.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Lifeismessy..<P>Thanks for your message. Please feel free to talk about anything in this forum, you will find many people who have experienced the same situations as yours. <P>The idea that your husbands wants to divorce you and your 2 kids after 15 years of marriage is horrible. God does not like divorce and your kids need to have both parents together. I admire your strength to be the strong spouse and parent in this marriage and I would encourage you to discuss the issues with you husband to avoid a divorce at all costs. Has your husband provided any reasons why he is thinking this way??? Is he willing to seek counseling with you. Your husband needs to stand up and be a REAL MAN for you and his children! Please write back when you get a chance. Take Care and God Bless.<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Thanks Everyone!<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK