Hi friends,<P>Thank you for all the support and personal emails as well. I greatly appreciate it. <P>I have talked with a very close family member. One that I respect a great deal. One that has been married for many years and that will keep the entire secret for me.<BR> <BR>I have to say there are many factors surrounding this. If we were together longer, I'd feel more hurt and betrayed. If no one else were pulling strings and playing games, I'd feel worse. If I didn't see him in great pain, I'd feel more angry.<P>I don't want to make excuses for his cheating incident. There is no excuse and he is a grown person with a mind of his own. But on the other hand, I just don't see this have happening if the main issue that doesn't concern me never happened.<P>For those that sent me personal emails, as of right now, yes we are still together. I think he has enough to deal with, that I am not demanding anything at the moment. I am still too numb to cry so I haven't dealt with it either yet. <P>I know what it takes to move past this, and there would have to be very limited contact with his exW, and many times he would have to check in with me, before I'd begin to handle it. Right now, he has to deal with a few bigger issues, and get that closed up and then , when he's done with that, and I see what he wants from me, what steps he's taken without my demands, and how I feel, THEN I will make my decision, and I may even try to work on this and change my mind. I just don't know.<P>I do know that I feel very useless and that there is something wrong with me for now, not 1 but 2 people to cheat on me. The strange thing is I am just so numb right now, but I know it will hit. <P>Hugs and love, Dana<P>

Dana,<P>I am sorry you are in pain. However, I think it is both impractical and very wrong to attempt to limit contact between ex-spouses when there are children involved, as any attempt to do so will necessitate limiting their ability to co-parent their children. I have experienced so much evidence of this - my H's OW has done just that, and it has impacted our children horribly. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited May 03, 2001).]

And so Lord... I'm lifting up Dana to you now. You know her heart and you know the heart of her BF. I pray for discernment and wisdom on her part. Lord, grant her guidance and understanding to BE the woman you've created her to be. Lord, bless or block this relationship and I pray that she would be at peace... having YOUR peace that transcends all understanding. In Your name...<P>ps - I haven't written yet, but have read right along. I feel the only thing I can say for you now is a prayer. So, there it is. Today, be BLESSED my friend. Look for God's blessing today somewhere - it may be ever so slight but it also could be incredibly enlightening and tangible. Look for it... keep your eyes UP and on HIM today, and tomorrow and the next days... one day at a time! Like I say below - you can't do it all now, but you can do something now... and that something may simply be to look UP and keep your eyes fixed on Him. Blessings my dear...<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I'm sorry Dana,<BR>While trying to be upbeat, I might have come across as flippant. Just wanted to send some good vibes to you! You were and continue to be in my prayers.<BR>Take Care<BR>Petrie

Dana,<P>I'm so sorry about what you have to deal with now. At least he came clean and was very honest to you about what happened. In some ways he maybe didn't see it as cheating if it was with his ex. Once you are married to someone its really hard not to continue to see them as your spouse. I think he loves you and I think you love him and maybe you can work this whole thing out. It's not to late.<P>Jill

Hi friends,<P>Thank you for the prayers ovrc's. Nellie, if I work this out I will be in no way trying to harm the children. There is a healthy way to co-parent, and I do that most of the time with my ex. Then there is an unhealthy way where a woman can use her kids to get what she wants. That is harmful.<P>Jill, I agree, it took a lot for him to come to me with this and be honest, there are enough other issues that I would have never known this factor. I give him the highest respect for the truth and answering my questions. I have to think of them all, get them out and decide what to do. Because you can't dwell and keep going back.<P>I think it was a case, of seeing if there were really any feelings left for the ex, and also a fact that if they worked their own issues out it would have only been for the children and that is not right either. In the end, total truths came out and it all backfired and there will never be a reconciliation now, I believe that and most people would understand it if they knew the whole thing.<P>In a way, it will make this relationship stronger in the future and I can deal with it if I chose. Right now, I am dealing with it, but I can't promise tomorrow I'm not going to break down.<P>I had to go and edit original message like I said so those who read this after , may not get the full meaning behind this. but I'm still numb and can't cry? And I have this strange weight lifted off me too. Like deep down I always worried, well now its happened, so now the worrying stops and the dealing starts.<P>Hugs and love,Dana<BR>

PS I think its only fair that I mention that I am in no way the other woman in this situation. Their relationship was over before I came along, and we are dealing with the truth and past issues, not that I came in and wrecked someone's relationship. I also came to care about his boys and quite honestly down the road, will have to get along with his ex, just as I get along so cheerfully with my own OW as for the kids. That is a long way a way, but realistically a factor I have to consider.<BR>Hugs,Dana<BR>

DanaB,<P>I'm going to be very blunt with you. You CAN get through this, lady, and you and your bf CAN create an even stronger, healthier relationship BUT . . .<P>it will be HARD!! Harder than you even think possible now. I'm not trying to discourage you, but I am trying to prepare you for reality. <P>Being a WS (even though he's not a "spouse") he'll probably feel guilty, have very low self-esteem and self-image, feel unloveable, wonder how a nice man like he is could have done something like this to a good woman like you, etc. At the exact same time, you will probably feel like you could use reassurance, support, extra efforts toward rebuilding trust, etc. The thing that I understand in my head but is SO HARD for me to do is feel like my life and love are living a jello, and yet reach out to him and reassure him, support him and pursue him. (Hairs standing up on the back of my neck). It's not fair (childish tantrum)!! He should chase me and win me back, but I have to be the "enlightened one" and understand what he needs!!! Anyway, you get the drift. <P>What I'm trying to say is that you CAN do it, but prepare yourself now for the hardest work you've ever done. Take extra, extra, extra time taking care of yourself and be sure to reinforce yourself (stash the provisions now!!)--this way he won't have to reinforce you so much AND you will be strong enough to deal with whatever comes up.<P>You can do it!! And I'll help you!!!<P><BR>CJ<P>cindy_wolfe@blm.gov<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Dana - My prayers are with you for your continued strength. You are a strong person. I hope your BF knows how lucky he is to have you in his life.<P> (((((Dana)))))

((((Ladym))))<P>I haven't seen your name in a long time. Thank you for the reply. Unfortunately I believe HE is contemplating leaving me right now to clear his head. In reality, I know you will tell me that is a good thing, but I really don't want to lose him, and I am willing to at least *try* before quitting. I talked to him today at a bad moment for him and I think I caught him feeling real down. <P>I told him that I won't contact him until I hear from him since he has some other issues to reveal and confront this weekend. I'd like nothing more for him to call and tell me after or come talk to me, but I can't force him, have to give him space....again.<P>It hurts and I'm scared so I'm praying for him with St Jude's prayer and praying for myself also.<P>This is so very hard.<P>Dana<BR>

If anyone loses Dana, it will be him...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

The best case scenario is if this man finds a way to restore his family. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have the father of her children in her life. I only hope that your BF is not being jerked around as well and that his ex's intentions are honorable.<P>Yes, your BF is divorced. Yes, he was dishonest with you about his feelings for his ex-wife and I'm very sorry you are hurting.<P>I disagree with this statement<P>"if they work out their issues it would have only been for the children and that is not right either." <P>This is the meaning of commitment and why marriage is often suggested as the best way to raise children. Studies suggest that children are almost always better off when the parents stay together, even if the marriage isn't a "happy" one. The only exception is abuse. I can't think of a BETTER lesson to teach his children that marriage is for life, and that people continue to try and work on their relationships instead of chucking it and finding someone new. <P>You've been caught in the middle and, again, I'm very sorry. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited May 05, 2001).]

TS,<P>Its times like the way I feel today when I can very much see doing away with men for a very long long time.<P>Thanks for taking time to write. You and I used to go at it for having such different beliefs at times. I feel the both of us have grown tremendously since we both got here. Its so hard to understand someone else's perspective at times.<P>But sitting here today, I remember some of your views that I thought were harsh, and now I'm feeling like, I may actually feel like I've been hurt enough to feel very similar.<P>Relationships are very hard. I am a very forgiving person, I always have been. I believe we all make mistakes and we all feel the pain from our actions. Just because I never cheated yet, doesn't make me any better, I imagine much more of the treatment I get, and I'll feel as if there are no faithful people left in this world so why bother.<P>Thanks for writing TS, it means a lot to me especially after our past disagreements at times. I hope maybe after you have read this, that I also make mistakes, and I did in fact get too seriously involved too quickly and this is the result of it.<P>Hugs to all, Dana<BR><p>[This message has been edited by DanaB (edited May 05, 2001).]

Oops - double post<p>[This message has been edited by On*My*Own (edited May 06, 2001).]

Dana,<P>It sounds like a timeout is needed all the way around. There are so many complicated issues here, and, if I may be blunt, some of them sound like "rebound relationship" issues for both you and your bf. It's kind of a fog of a different sort. <P>Take the timeout now. <P>Take time to figure out what you need to be in a healthy relationship and then decide whether bf can deliver. He should be doing the same. Then, and only then, should you two decide what to do next. All that "don't date too soon" advice is really about having a long enough timeout to avoid repeating unhealthy patterns...if you didn't take it before, take it now.<P>I hope I wasn't too blunt. You've given me such wonderful counsel in the past in dealing with OW in my situation that I really want to see you through your pain now...<P>If this relationship with bf is meant to be - it will outlast a timeout. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.<P>((((((Dana)))))))<P>Lisa

danab,<P>Please believe me that I have no wish to say "I told you so". There is nothing I would have liked more than to see a happy ending to this. Other people are better at being cautionary without being reactionary and I was going through stuff of my own at the time we had our disagreements. <P>I know alot of people assume I hate men, but I don't. You could say that I'm pretty cynical about what we call relationships these days...that is for sure. In any case, there is nothing wrong with you being hopeful.