I am a betrayer and betrayed. 2 years ago I had an almost 3 month EA. I did not move out (sorry guys!)What kept me home was that deep inside I knew I really loved my husband, not the OM. The affair started when my Dad had a crippling stroke and I had emotional and physical help needs to care for my Dad 24/7 and H did not help. I think I just got so angry and hurt I developed the emotional attachment to this OM who seemed to really care and understand what I was going through (NOT an excuse - I have NONE for what I did). My affair ended abruptly when he tried to move things to a physical level. I turned him down twice when he directly asked to sleep with me twice. My H and I did a timeline last night. This is how mine went:<P>EA - 3 months<P>Withdrawal period - 3 months (during this time, I was only working on killing off feelings for other man and not building back feelings for H. Also, JUST beginning to understand what had happened and why)<P>During the withdrawal, I was depressed. But, I think I was helped by 2 things - I never felt I was in-love with him, but that he was very special; and, he backed off big time when I did not come through sexually (shows what a predator he really was!). I think it might be harder for some of your wives and my husbadn and others, because they are in-love, have consummated the relationship sexually - if they have, and, the OP gets contacting them while your S's are trying to go through withdrawal. Taht being said, I will tell you I work in a hospital and the OM is a Dr. I do not see him everyday. But, I take GREAT PAINS to avoid opportunities to run into him. For instance, I now enter the hospital by the service entrance instead of front entrance, because he generally takes that entrance. Also, I am somewhat familiar with his routine schedule, so it makes it easy to avoid running into him. <P>Working on rebuilding with H - Another 3 months. During this time, I really processed the entire affair and had a true understanding of what, why and how.<P>During this time, the entire incident was UNSPOKEN between H and myself (BAD< BAD< BAD - but we didn't know better then!). This is a major reason we are now where we are (coupled with a series of other crises we have both endured since my Dad's stroke) - he is 8 months into a physical affair and shows no signs of stopping. We are separated - H wanted to leave home so he can continue the affair.<P>I am like the rest of you- one working so hard to save the marriage. Don't know if this helps, but at least it is the truth.<P>Roll Me Away

Izzy,<P>Remember what got you into this unfortunate situation: years of unmet needs/dreams/desires. Now she has them in this other man. She's not going to dump them in a matter of days and go back to the way things were.<P>You have little influence right now. So that means that there is little you can do except PROLONG the affair. If you try to influence her in any way, it will make her rebel even more and make the whole process of her returning take even longer.<P>Stay in Plan A mode and try not to think about her, take a vacation, whatever, stay busy.<P>I would stay in "flop" mode. Give the OM a chance to flop on his own. Your wife is with him so that's good in a way...she is not sneaking around with both of them putting their best foot forward when they see each other. They are together now...soon the problems of daily life will join in...and the illusion of Prince Charming will wear off as problems/issues finally occur.<P>There is nothing you can do for months. You are in "flop" mode, waiting for the guy to show his true colors. Withdrawal is very real as you can tell from the posts. Having her back home in two weeks is not going to have her back "there" with you emotionally/physically. But if the fantasy can be given a chance to fully blow up in front of her face, the withdrawal will be much weaker because she gave it a sincere try and the relationship truly bombed.<P>

I thought I would pipe in here. My wife was with OM until 1 week ago. She still doesn't know if she wants to return to our marriage, even though she left OM because she was still in love with me and couldn't give me up completely. But, at least I don't have another man (for now) to haunt me.<P>I was asked to leave within the first 10 days and I stormed out. I have never been back, save for the occassional short (1 day/2 day) "reconcilliation" spells that have peppered the past 7 months. If I had to do it over again, I would have stayed alot longer. Suddenly, my W had the complete freedom to let her affair blossom. I believe it would have ended sooner if she was constantly being reminded that we were married and had a life together. And now, even with him gone, she has created a new, "single" lifestyle that is just as hard to give up as the OM.<P>However, I would give her space. She will feel like she is in jail/forced to be with you and that is not in your favor. Just be as nice to her as you possibly can, don't lay alot of guilt on her. It's hard, but I've been there. For the most part, I did the opposite and have paid a price.<P>Some mornings, I feel like the world doesn't mean much when I wake up alone. When I see her, I feel destroyed by the simple fact that all I want to do is hold her, and I am no longer free to do so. And that the person I love so much won't put her arms around me and kiss me with the passion I desire. It's not easy going through this. Few people around me really understand. This web site has been a refuge.<P>Good luck, my friend. It does get easier as time goes on. For everyone.

I thought I would pipe in here. My wife was with OM until 1 week ago. She still doesn't know if she wants to return to our marriage, even though she left OM because she was still in love with me and couldn't give me up completely. But, at least I don't have another man (for now) to haunt me.<P>I was asked to leave within the first 10 days and I stormed out. I have never been back, save for the occassional short (1 day/2 day) "reconcilliation" spells that have peppered the past 7 months. If I had to do it over again, I would have stayed alot longer. Suddenly, my W had the complete freedom to let her affair blossom. I believe it would have ended sooner if she was constantly being reminded that we were married and had a life together. And now, even with him gone, she has created a new, "single" lifestyle that is just as hard to give up as the OM.<P>However, I would give her space. She will feel like she is in jail/forced to be with you and that is not in your favor. Just be as nice to her as you possibly can, don't lay alot of guilt on her. It's hard, but I've been there. For the most part, I did the opposite and have paid a price.<P>Some mornings, I feel like the world doesn't mean much when I wake up alone. When I see her, I feel destroyed by the simple fact that all I want to do is hold her, and I am no longer free to do so. And that the person I love so much won't put her arms around me and kiss me with the passion I desire. It's not easy going through this. Few people around me really understand. This web site has been a refuge.<P>Good luck, my friend. It does get easier as time goes on. For everyone.

Hi Izzy,<P>Betrayed my husband but never moved out. I would be glad to help you in any way I can.<p>[This message has been edited by Bonny (edited March 10, 2000).]

I am a female betrayer. I moved out on my H in Feb of 98. We were separated until about July of 98. That was when I had my physical affair, a one thime thing. After my H and I got back together we moved about 60 miles from where we were living at the time. I had several internet affairs but lucky for me my H still loves me enough to want to wrok things out. Once he found out about the internet affairs, they ended immediatley. He didn't find out about the physical affair for a couple of months.<P>We are still together, working on our marriage. It isn't easy especially for my H because I still have problems opening up. But I know that it will happen because my H hasn't given up on me and I know he still loves me very much, I think

ANY OTHER MOVE OUT (THROWN OUT) FEMALE BETRAYERS