<B>In my heart, truly, I feel that Jim's and WhenIfindthetime's posts matches what I feel deep down instinctually. But if I do the wrong thing...then I have aided in hurting a marriage....</B><P>I have 3 thoughts...<P>1) In this day and age of lfe-threatening STD's, the innocent spouse deserves to know and protect themselves.<P>2) I wish to God someone would've told me...I felt like such a fool for trusting all those stupid explanations...<P>3) How is letting an affair continue in all the secrecy "helping" a marriage...? You will have done nothing but shed light on a dark, ugly secret.<P><BR>Just my thoughts...

Lisa,<P>many responsible people don't want to take the responsibility of being the morality police. Its up to everyone to solve their own problems, and not to make problems for themselves and others.<P>The advice i quoted is from a long standing marital therapist whose book i think would enlighten you, since your H has "relationship" problems. It really explores the thoughts behind the man/woman in the fog.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>Its up to everyone to solve their own problems, and not to make problems for themselves and others.<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WIFFTy,<P>I can appreciate the complexity of the problem..."morality police" and all... but I still believe keeping the secret is, in some ways, making BR an accomplice. And I don't believe she is "making the problem" - the two who cheated created their own mess. Furthermore, everyone should solve their own problems...but if the BS doesn't even know the problem exists (i.e. OP), how are they to solve it?<P>I haven't read the book you mentioned - I am only commenting from my experiences. I seethe still at the thought of those who "knew" and did nothing, said nothing, or looked the other way to avoid being seen as the morality police in my marriage. I feel almost as betrayed by these "friends" as I do by my ex.<P>BR is in a <B>tough</B> spot - I am glad it's not me having to deal with it. I appreciate your point of view WIFFTy, but on this one we may have to agree to disagree (and could you please change your first name, unfortunately it is the same as my ex's... )<P>Lisa<BR>

Lisa,<P>when I say solve their own problems and create their own problems, BR will be creating her own problem by appearing as an acomplish, and can solve it by either severing the friendship or telling the BS. However, if she tells the betrayed spouse, since it really is only an EA from the post, i believe, she is causing other people's marriage a problem to which she will be seen as a problem or be guilty by association as she is the one creating the ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of the problem. She could also be blamed for the demise of the marriage, by forcing the WS not to face the problem herself, and not to tell the BS herself. remember, EA's are much more insidious, and more conceptual, less factual.<P>Although i understand your position, we must disagree.<P>what would you like me to change my name to? my name has particular historical meaning, as i am named after the father and son of a very famous president, as well as being related to him.<P>don't think that would go over very well, but i digress.....