Sue, <P>forget the forum, use email from now on, or change your Username. you have my email address. i thought she actually had mellowed out, and was not posting as much. crap, i don't blame you for not coming back, i wouldn't either.<P>Karenna, <P>yikes, dated at least 10 of them, does that mean i actually have to ask out 10 women? <B>yikes, i can't do that! i can't go up to a totally strange woman and ask her out!! What would i say? </B><P>how about i just go with this one until something goes wrong? <P>in your tests you forgot a major one, traveling: as a seasoned traveler, if she can't travel easily, its not POJA'ble. W never liked to travel very far, and always complained about rooms, no matter what or where, even when they were free!<BR> <BR>1) she passes the personality paradigm very well INTP with ENFP (she can't housekeep, neither can i, how can I criticize?) <BR>2) IQ, actually quite intelligent, and private school educated, like myself, but more a traditional mom/wife type, like my mom, and that is fine. more the artist type, which is fine, actually complimentary since i can appreciate her art form, and have studied art forms earlier in life.<BR>3) values, very similar to me, and we can talk each other to death, so conversation is not a problem, and since i can talk feelings, she can relate.<BR>4) evergy, so far, as much as i have, if not more, <BR>5) religion, well, since i am an atheist, any religious imposition would be an area of discussion. But i can handle religion as I went to a religious prep school, its just that I prefer to keep religious personal, and optional, meaning i can join or decline if i choose.<P>As far as seasickness goes, i don't do as much sailing as I used to, and don't mind being reasonable about that. She has learned the minimum boat parts in 3 minutes, and if she likes sailing, may come back to do some more, or we may actually go by ourselves. my parents are sponsoring the first trip. a really good trip would be to the British virgin islands, sailing for a week in the middle of winter. or maybe racing dinghies at MIT! <P>Hey, if it doesn't work, it doesn't mean it won't have been fun, that's for sure! This is the most fun i've had with a women in 43 years. so hey, i am not interested in trading around.<P><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 20, 2001).]

Sigh...Sue, so sorry. Wow. I was wondering where she was. Just laugh it off. Nothing you or any of us do would make her happy. Heck, if she knew the kind of situation I was in, well, she would blow a gasket.<P>Actually, isn't that what we are supposed to do? Be honest with the other person and go from there? I am involved with a person who is also divorced, and we are very open about where we are. Neither of us want to be exclusive right now, and he and I are both healing from different things. I am a big girl, and I know the risks. And vice versa. We are taking things slowly, enjoying each other, and learning about each other. If your friend wanted you to be in a more serious relationship at the moment, it would be unwise for him to rush you. He is being smart, patient, and caring for not pushing, and you are being wise for not going further. I think that is smart. He also knows the risks though too. Jeez, I wouldn't even say you are using him. Did you say that or did she?

Sue,<P>You wrote:<P>"I feel I can talk to him about this, and he is understanding." <P>That isn't "using someone", that is having a relationship and you have one! Communication! You should be proud of how far you've come!<P>I'm seeing someone who has been divorced 14 years, me 3. Yep, we are in different places too. He is also patient and understanding! Communication! We both know where the other "is" and are honest about it! Isn't that what it is all about?<P>Glad to be on this thread with you and that you came back! You have much to offer this forum.<P>Ragamuffin<P>Oh yah, something else, Student, in my opinion,<P>negativity always burns itself out.......<P>

Thanks, all...<P>Tom, man she can be cruel!! But, you know what, I have just as much right here as she does and maybe I can help someone struggling with these issues here. <P>No, gsd, she said I was using him. Like I have said before, it is best to be cautious when pursuing new relationships after divorce and its' trauma. <BR>I want to be clear on this.....I have not said to him I would never marry him, just that I need more time. This will show both of us if our love is just "feelings" or is developing into more. It is prudent and wise for both of us to wait. What is the hurry?? I have full intention of marrying again. I like being married. I like the closeness of it, I like sharing my life with another, the idea of growing old together, reaching for common goals, etc. <P>This guy took an aerobics class I was teaching 13 years ago. His son and mine played little league and we would run into each other occasionally at the games. He was married, so was I. So, yes I have known him a while, but really did not "know" him until I was divorced. He heard through the grapevine about my situation, called me a few times during the separation to see how I was doing, and then after the divorce we began dating. <P>We are very happy with the situation as it is now. He is not pushing me, nor am I sending him any wrong signals. We are both middle age and I believe mature in our thinking. He was married 27 yrs, I was married 17. We are not "filled" with lust, we are two people who want a future with another. My reluctance to marry at this time has NOTHING to do with my feelings for him, it is within myself.<P> I have no desire to date anyone else, but need this time for myself, to continue my journey in healing and reestablishing myself as a good human being. Then, I will be ready for the true commitment of marriage again. <P>We will all go through some difficult situations as we move on after the tragedy we have all gone through. But the more time that passes, I feel more alive, more focused, more sure of myself and my hipes and desires for the future. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi everyone,<P>Well, things have heated up a bit, eh? <P>Just dropped by to say that here on the Divorcing/Divorced forum it is not only understandable, but the perfect place to discuss this subject!<P>Life is so, so hard for most of all already. <P>I send loving thoughts to all, and a big warm hug, especially, to <B>sue</B>.<P>Take care, and keep on posting!<P>Sheryl, the poster formerly known as new_beginning, or maybe I should call myself Sher-O (like J.Lo ))<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Ragamuffin, <P>Sorry, didn't see your post until just now...thanks for the support. <BR>Yes it is so important to be open enough to discuss these issues when dating, and especially if you are dating exclusively. That is the beginnings of honest communication, which can lead to so many other great things. <BR>That is one thing I learned from the horrible experience of divorce, is that I have to be open enough to speak how I feel. I tended to hold it inside of me, trying to keep peace, and it would eat me up. I would feel resentful, angry, and would withold myself in my marriage. Then, just the littlest thing would happen, and I would explode!!! <P>After the affair, when I realized how much my marriage meant to me and my shortcomings, I, with the help of counseling, worked hard to change this. But for us, it was too late. The affair was all important to him, and he wanted out. It was a bitter lesson, and one I do not want to repeat. <P>So, with a great deal of hard work, I have decided in this relationship, I would be open. There are no surprises here. On either side. We both made mistakes in the past. We both want to not repeat them. We both have counseled, both took a marriage course at our church, both have read Dr. Harleys books. How wonderful is it to be able to start another relationship on such a foundation??<P>We have been dating over a year now. The love I have for him is growing stronger, and I am beginning to look to a possible future with him. I am not quite there yet, but much closer than I was 6 months ago. I promised myself 2 years, and I will take that first and see where I am at that point. <P>Aka New Beginnings...thanks to you as well. I believe that time and positive thinking does a lot to help us heal....so take your time, enjoy this relationship, and be happy!!<P>Wiffty, my apologies in taking over your topic!! I will start a new one in a few days!!! I love ya man!!!<P>OK ALL...I am Back!!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<p>[This message has been edited by sue (edited May 20, 2001).]

"Boy, am I glad she won't be coming back here...so sad to see someone who is so obviously hurting, and wants to lash out to soothe her pain." <P>Take a look in the mirror, Sue. This was your opening line to me...<P>"Shhh, don't tell Student I posted here, she will come and chatize me for getting on with my life!!!!"<P>I don't have alot to say really, except that I'm very disappointed and sad that you feel the need to use my name as a joke to garner support for yourself. What a shame. I don't think it was necessary. There are plenty of people here who agree with you and support you without making fun of me. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited May 20, 2001).]

<B> Yeah! Sue's back! </B><P>Sue, big hugs as well, glad to see you still live and are doing well. I like the sharing of the common project/work also. With my friend, i am well enough versed in her hobby, that i can discuss with her, support her and understand her, which is something that i asked my X to do, and she said, "We can't so stuff together, i am afraid that you will take over for me." well, without communication, the fear is valid, with communication, it is not valid. so X chose not to communicate.<P>hey, sounds like you have a relationship, and i do also, as i can talk to my friend with understanding and feelings. She is very good at talking also.<P>I actually didn't think that there were people like that out there! it is so much more fun than ever before!<P>good to read that you're back!<BR>and don't worry about taking over any thread of mine, if the discussion wonders, there may be something good there also.<P>sWIFTTy<BR>

I have one other thing that's extremely important - after the biggie emotional needs.<P>The next man in my life must, repeat, MUST, be able to laugh. I lived without that for too long. Without laughter and silliness.<P>And new fellow can laugh. And engage in ticklefights. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cinderella:<BR><B><P>And new fellow can laugh. And engage in ticklefights. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> It is so nice to see you smile Cinderella. Did he bring the other glass slipper back?<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Sue:<P>I'm glad to see that you are back. I have found your posts to be very helpful and they always hit home with me.<BR>Welcome Back!<P>Jen

I'm happy to see you back, too, Sue!<P>Nick, no luck on that missing shoe. But he likes to laugh. And is a lot of fun. But no committments. Not yet.<P>But it's so much fun to be myself and to be relaxed and to not have to worry about being perfect. I can talk about my imperfections and he <B>still</B> likes me. <P><B>VERY</B>different from doofus.<BR>

. Wrong thread.<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited May 21, 2001).]

Nick, in Puccini's opera "Cinderella", I do my thing in Italy. With those <B>good looking </B> Italian princes. Makes me fairly swoon to think about it. <P>Anyway, when Puccini wrote this thing for me, no self-respecting young woman would have shown her ankles in public - not even on the stage - so he didn't write about glass slippers. He wrote about two matching diamond bracelets - one for each wrist. <P>Now, personally, I would prefer for a man to show up at my door bearing a diamond bracelet. <P>Just thought y'all would like to know.<P>

cinderella,<P>now if i were to propose to you, that would be the way i would do it, no glass slipper and ring, but a diamond tennis bracelet! i would give you one, and you would open it, and be appreciative, and then i would lift the shirt on my left arm, and show you the matching one. now that would be sportingly romantic!<P>your serve<P>sg

Hmmm!<P>Sportsguy, is this a prelude to a proposal - or an invitation for a date.<P>Sounds fairly romantic for a jock. (Cinderella is now purring with delight.)<P>I'll tell you my sports of choice and see what you think. I actually like swimming laps. I can play tennis (I'd be your favorite opponent in a tournament, a virtual guaranteed victory for you.) And I love to ice skate. I took up figure skating as an adult and competed in freestyle, ice dance solo, and figures before the big d brought that to a financial halt. <P>I like to play with my son's soccer team. and I can keep the stats book for my daughter's softball team.<P>Diamond tennis bracelets. Hmmm? sounds pretty good. If I were shopping for myself, though, I don't know that a tennis bracelet is the style I would choose. Maybe we should go jewelry shopping on an early date?<P>But, I think I would probably love them, especially considering the presentation you have in mind.<P>May I swoon now. This is all so sudden. The princess is nigh unto overwhelmed.<P>-Cinderella