I had thought about this subject a lot during my divorce!<P>My family is home to some long-term marriages...the longest being 51 years. Even among my generation (14 of us), there has only been one divorce, and that was due to alcoholism and abuse. Some of my older cousins have been married 20+ years.<P>My Ex's family is just the opposite! She only has one relative (an uncle) who has NOT had at least one divorce. Mmmmm.....

My FOO also has pretty good luck with long-term marriages, except my generation. Before that, whew! Forever together!<P>I have three bros....one (52) divorced twice (currently single), another (49) married...to a divorced woman...but going on 20+ years....and my other bro hasn't married at all (48 years old) and I have no idea why. He dates....<P>My sister (42) has been married 25 years to her high school sweetheart. I (44) was married 11 years before the A. My parents just passed 50 years.<P>My H's family has divorce, infidelity, etc. for several generations past. Some of that I didn't know before I married him....except about his mom - married twice and currently single. I found out alot of it later. <P>Also, while the odds are against you, I don't believe that just because you had infidelity/divorce in you family, necessarily means you will experience that. Like I said the odds are kinda against that statement. However, I'm not sure that's high-priority reason for most people in love to consider...for me it wasn't.<P>Looking back...maybe it should have been. <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS Infidelity wasn't a part of any of the divorces in MY family (that I know of), my in my H's family....yes.<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 17, 2001).]

None among my parents, or, as far as I know, among my H's parents. My uncle was married 8 or 9 times, though - no one seems to know exactly, and apparently he didn't even remember some of them... <P>The anger at his father that Lady M mentioned being described in Sudden Endings (and also in Pittman's book fits my H to a T. Frank Pittman has said that men do not leave for an OW because of problems in their relationship with their wife, but rather in their relationship with their fathers.

Hey Nellie,<P>That last statement is so interesting along with LadyM's statements about bonding.<P>I just heard something else on the radio yesterday about broken marriages and emotional connections that said almost the exact same thing....a phychological study by one of the leading Harvard Medical School researchers.<P>My H's dad left him (and his mom) when H was 3! Still to this day, even tho he sorta denys it, I see in him a lost little boy with a big hurt cause from that abandonment.<P>I'm at the point now, that I'm not even sure my H is CAPABLE of a long-term, loving realationship because of that. I'm not one to blame the past on today's problems at all....but in some cases, the pattern is just so evident that it's impossible to not.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I find it really fascinating too - my H's father is an abuser - I witnessed physical abuse of my H's siblings. He's also got some sexual problems, and some infidelity issues. If you ask my H though, who he is angry at...he'll tell you about his mother and me. <P>Now I'm wondering if he is still afraid of his father, and angry at both of us for not making it better....<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BrambleRose,<P>That's what my H says too!! He is really mad at his Mom and doesn't speak or communicate to her at all...for 2 years now. I'm not sure he'll ever see that the real issue is with his father (who unfortunately died....I don't know if my H knows that, but my MIL told me.)<P>And he's mad at me too, although he trys to "cover it" with the "I'm-not-in-a-fog,-I've-just-decided-to-make-another-choice-in-my-life,-even-tho-I'm-throwing-everthing-away,-I-have-to-go-this-route-because-I've-found-my-soulmate-and-I'm-so-happ y-even-tho-I-still-drink-and-feel-depressed" state of mind!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

You know I never really thought about it before. Then I started tracing back my family history.<P>My mother was my stepfather's fourth wife. My bio father married my mother and it turns out he was still married to wife #1, in effect making me the OC. I just found out last year that I have a total of 12 half siblings (5 women) by my bio father. One of my grandfathers had two biracial children with his mistress and a greatgrandfather had two wives and two mistress and a total of 26 living children. I won't even go into what some of my aunts, uncles and cousins have been up to.<P>I remember once as a child, one of my cousins got mad at me and called me a [censored] and no wonder my father didn't want me. That was when I found out. It was devastating.<P>This is really depressing. I hate to even think that it could be hereditary. This is not the legacy I want for my children. I don't really believe that my background primed me to become a WS or led me to get together with someone who could be a WS also. What my ex and I did was a matter of choice. No one made me have an affair emotional or otherwise. Yes, I was at a weak moment and yes I was in pain, but the ultimate decision was mine, not my gene's.<BR>

Everybody I know of in my family history who has been married has cheated, including my parents. Ditto for my H. This is not unusual. This is what people do. Probably the only reason most of us haven't cheated is that our spouses got to it before we did. Remember, we are ALL vulnerable!<P>Gotta say, taking things out on your dad is a bit over top. Forgive him--he's your dad, he's human, come to terms with it because he's the only father you have and if you sacrifice the possibility of getting closer with him now you might regret it for the rest of your life. Approach the world with compassion, not judgment. Let God judge.<P>If you can really take in that you might have cheated, that in some profound way we are all each other, our brains and spirits are wired the same, only our consciousness has evolved differently as individuals, then you will not err. Genuine Christianity begins with love, and includes respect for one's parents. Your father has sacrificed for you, can you grasp that? He has had ten children. He has followed GOd's command. And he has failed, he has sinned, he has been weak, and he has caused pain. Once we get over the childhood disappointment that our parents are not perfect, that they are deeply flawed in fact, then we can move on to love, and this is where we must live.

Mrs. O and Bramblerose,<P>My H has been deeply hurt by his father. His father was emotionally distant, and clearly favored his brother, who btw never married and has been living with his father (and mother, before she died) for a number of years. When my H quit his job to go into business for himself, his father told him he was an idiot. My H never told him how hurt he was. I don't think he ever has had a conversation with his father that was not just surface stuff. For a number of years he did not have much contact with his father, but since around the time the affair started he has been visiting him more often. <P>My H had a difficult time handling the fact that our kids, especially the older ones, are outspoken, and enjoy debating/arguing among themselves and with us. Since he left our younger children have become terribly afraid of antagonizing him. They have come right out and said they are afraid he will stop loving them. Of course it doesn't help that he has told them that he won't allow them to visit unless they are well-behaved. <P>

<B>Mrs. O</B> and <B>Nellie</B>: Guess I'll have to get both of those books - even if they can't help my situation now...I have 2 sons...and I'd like to understand the dynamic of their relationships with their dad...perhaps we can break the cycle if I can get my kids the right help.<P>The issues that my H has to deal with are so complex and overwhelming...I have almost no hope of seeing him ever become a happy healthy human being. I pray that I am wrong. <P><B>TRose</B> - I don't think it's genetic....I don't believe that there is an "infidelity" gene. But what I do recognize is that certain patterns of behavior, moral values, and spiritual dysfunctions ARE passed down from generation to generation. I didn't grow up with alcoholism in my home....and yet I married one, and my siblings are all affected profoundly....it wasn't the genetics...it was the social dysfunctions that were passed on from grandparents that we didnt even know...<P><B>Gonemad</B> - I do know that I could have cheated...in the depths of my depression several years ago, I could have done alot of things. The bottom line is...I am in my appalling situation, because my father's actions have had such a profound influence on my life. I don't hate him. I am very very angry. My father made choices, and continues to make choices that hurt my family. He is and should be held accountable for those choices. Should I judge him? No, of course not. But I can judge his actions...and his actions are wrong.<P>There is no point in trying to have a relationship with him until he has reached a certain point in his own emotional/spiritual growth - and that probably won't happen while he is continuing to do what he is doing. <P>Eventually I will work through the anger. But stuffing it won't help me or him. For now, I am choosing to keep my distance - lest I decide to take out my anger on him.

BrambleRose,<P>This is a very interesting topic--thank you for starting it. <P>My FOO was an interesting mess. My mother was (and still is) undiagnosed bipolar disorder, so she is unmedicated and quite literally crazy at times. When I was a child, she beat my sisters and I with broom handles, tree branches, brushes, 2X4s, wooden spoons...anything she could lay her hands on. My father was (and still is) an active alcoholic who was rarely home (always at the bar!), who sexually abused all three of his daughters (my sisters and I), and who eventually cheated on my mom before he divorced her. They divorced after 20 years of marriage when I was 18yo. <P>In my extended family, both sets of grandparents were married until death--and fairly happily, I might say. Out of three aunts and uncles, one aunt was a "hippie" and married a guy once in a haze. They stayed married for five years, but then one day she decided to hop in a van while hitchhiking and he didn't want to--so that marriage ended. Her current "real" marriage is nearing 20 years. My other aunt has been married to the same man for nearly 40 years and they had one instance of infidelity. My uncle has been happily married for more than 30 years.<P>Now, my H has had a long history of long marriages in his family and extended family, with one interesting exception: his paternal grandmother divorced his paternal grandfather when she caught him fooling around. He left after that and never showed up again. His mom and dad were married for almost 20 years when his dad died--my H was 13yo at the time. He had about 16 aunts and uncles, and they have all had long marriages--to the death (haha).<P>So, I would say that really neither one of us has had a good, personal example of a strong marriage relationship. My parents were drunk and crazy. They had a VERY bitter, angry relationship before the divorce and it went down hill from there. His father died just as he was entering puberty, and he had been very sick for several years previous to that (he had a massive heart attack and cancer)! So, during his teenage years, the only person in his household was his mom.<P>It makes you think, doesn't it?<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I didn't have a chance to read through all of the replies, but need to post anyway.<P>My XH has so many issues stemming from his childhood. His way of dealing (or not dealing) was to prove that he could be a successful man, and not address any issues thinking that would make him weak and look like a victim.<P>His parents had a tumultuous relationship. His father is a very smart man, who never found his niche career wise (always drifting), was an alcoholic, had many affairs, and was a non-existent father. My XH, as much as he never wanted to be like his father, just couldn't escape it.<P>XH overcame the alcoholism, found a career, etc.........it seems to be the OW that was the hardest thing to overcome, and also is what has now caused him to fail and lose everything.<P>There isn't infidelity in my family of origin. Oh no, we are a faithful bunch <P>Is it in the genes? Not being able to escape becoming our parents? I don't know. But it has touched my life and it sucks.<P> <BR>Petrie<P>

I'm not aware of any infidelity in my family. My sister's first husband cheated on her soon after they were married. I don't think they were married more than 2 yrs.<P>My x's father had an affair but MIL and FIL are still married. They seem to have a good marriage. SIL recently confided to me that her husband was having an affair and they are trying to save their marriage.<P>X told me prior to us dating she had gone out with a separated man, claiming she didn't know he was married.<P>A friend of x and mine pointed out she saw symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents which x's parents were/are.<P>X's oldest brother is classic blacksheep,(he told x she should divorce me because I didn't respect her job. This was during her affair which she didn't tell him about, but let him know I wanted her to quit her job where OM was).<P>X and her sister were both overachievers earning all types of honors in college. They were both very competitive between one another which I didn't recognize till late. We were "winning" because we has a boy and a girl and sister "only" had two boys. We were the "perfect" family. <P>I think a combination of MLC, and her being tired of competing along with my faults led to the affair and subsequesnt divorce. I thinks she loved the "excitement" of the affair/divore. She was used to alot of commotion in her family growing up and she told me I was boring and lacked excitement. So!!!!<BR>