~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]

not incapable,<P>i am certainly no expert here, actually never got into internet discussion groups at all before yesterday, but if it helps i can give my 2 cents...<P>i am currently separated from my wife, and we will probably be getting divorced fairly soon, but my gut reaction says to not date romantically, don't even let yourself be tempted to be romantic until its over and you have dealt with the divorce legally and emotionally- it probably is not really fair to whomever you might date as well because it puts them in the middle of something they might not even realize or want to be in.<P>anyway, i have been out and talking with my real friends almost daily for a few weeks since my wife left, and it is getting easier to be by myself now.<P>i think if i were dating, i would be putting on my best behavior- or a simpathy show , and postponing actually dealing with my own emotions.<P>your real friends can help you get through the loneliness- and because they already know who you are, they may even be there to stop you from making any serious mistakes.<P>be careful and good luck

Hello. Yes I can relate. Not many people our in my sitiuation either. I've been seperated almost 2 years. We share the house and go our seperate ways he is not dating and I am. He is aware of that. I'm not looking to hop in bed with anyone, just seeing what's out their. I am not finding to many happy people and I'v met people in single sitiations having difficulty as well.I would have liked to rebuild my marriage,my H chose otherwise.I do get lonley and have been for a long time. My H has not cheated on me and is not abusive. He just does not participate and is not willing to learn more about himself to learn. I've grieved and excepted this is his problem. I am moving on getting to learn more about myself and men. I am traveling and seeing many types of problems. I like to check out this site to see what's happing in marriage's and what's the main complaints to help me better(hopefully in my Future). I am not in a hurry, but it is my goal to someday meet someone to share my life as a partner. Dating has been fun, sad, interesting and scary.Please keep in touch with me, I know what you mean I have not seen that support either. I do have friends that support my stance and have lost friends also due to their hangups. Each life is diffrent and people should be tolerant unless they care to see our whole life and walk it. Sincerely<P><BR> C

I don't have a problem with dating during seperation if the marriage is truly without hope...like mine. But I would advise to let anyone you're dating in on the situation, keep the communication open and honest if and when you have your weak moments and doubts and keep yourself grounded. It might be tempting to get swept away ater being through the hell of infidelity and divorce but tread carefully at first.<BR> There's nothing wrong with becoming involved with someone new but you are on you honor to be up front at all times, for your sake and whoever you're dating.

I was in a Divorce Care support group at a local church and one of the videos was on dating... they pointed out that you are married until the papers are signed and accepted in the courts. Therefore, dating before that time goes against the principles of a godly marriage... even on the demise. Furthermore, they mentioned that it is really best NOT to date until you've dealt with all the emotions lingering from your previous relationship - even the minor ones (like the one post about a new guy asking a poster here to peel the tomatoes which set off a trigger from her marriage - like you cannot plan for these). There are surely some landmines out there that in time the impact of them exploding will be like a small fire cracker surprising a person instead of doing further damage emotionally. So, what they say is that for every four years of marriage, it takes one to deal with that before you should get into another relationship. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule but one to give some consideration to...<P>I'm not sure where I stand on this issue... all I know and from what I've learned here is not to use my needs and deficits from coming out of a broken relationship as a reason to get into a relationship with someone else, without considering that person's feelings... it's hard to do that when a person hasn't given enough time to reflect and learn from a previous love relationship.<P>Just some random thoughts...<P>Nduli... good to see you back! Seems like you've been gone for a while! <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited May 27, 2001).]

~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]

I dated before my divorce was final too, and I must say that it is one of the biggest regrets I have. Here is why:<P>1) I believed that I was in recovery.<BR>2) I thought I could control my feelings.<BR>3) I thought I was not vulnerable.<BR>4) No matter what you think, nothing is how it seems. <P>There have been multiple discussions on this board about dating before and even after the divorce. Some are pretty wild, heated, and very insightful. Do a search on dating here to get some more opinions. <P>Good luck.<P><BR>

N.I.O.L.,<P>Please don't shortchange your friends like you seem to be doing. The abuse in your marriage was not your fault, and they are not going to be angry that you stayed in an abusive relationship! They are going to be so glad that you got out! If they are true friends, you will be lucky if they don't try to set you up with all of their friends' single friends and single relatives!<P>You do deserve happiness and love, but most of all you deserve to find out who YOU are - and you deserve to learn to love yourself. Until you can love you, any new relationships will likely be difficult.<P>While I understand that your marriage is over except for the legalities, your emotions and psyche are truly NOT ready for a real and successful relationship. I know that sounds a little pompous and know-it-all-ish, but I really believe that it is true.<P>Don't read anything into any of your friend's actions... If he has been hurt then he will be wary, and may even push you away if you get too close. I know from experience that this hurts A LOT!<P>Talk to your friends. They love you... that is why they are your friends!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I can speak directly to your situation, since I was involved in almost the same thing! It ended badly (my divorce a few months ago), and the advice I'll give may not be what you want to hear...<P>For the six years prior to meeting me, my Ex was involved in an abusive relationship. Beatings, verbal and sexual abuse, you name it, he did it! This guy makes every abusive jerk you've ever seen on "Lifetime" cable tv look like a wuss.<P>What I didn't realize at the time was that such abuse goes beyond bruises and hard feelings. My Ex had some very deep emotional problems that took a very long time to come out into the light of day. I had heard all the stories about him beating her, raping her, holding a gun to her head, etc., but I never understood the <I>impact</I> that the abuse had on her. A lot of the problems that we had in our marriage can be traced to the emotional scars from years of abuse. <P>In fact, the whole basis for our relationship (from her point of view) was false; based on her clouded emotional state at the time. When we were dating, everything was magical, wonderful, it seemed like it was meant to be! She thought I was everything she ever wanted in a husband, so when I proposed, she was beside herself with joy.<P>The problem was, I <B>wasn't</B> what she was <I>really</I> looking for, but I was just so different than what she was used to that she couldn't tell the difference. If she had been in a right frame of mind, she wouldn't have given me the time of day! The mental and emotional damage of her abusive relationship so clouded her judgement that she didn't even realize what she was doing. Years later, when she had healed somewhat (she never went into therapy, unfortunately), she realized that she <B>never</B> would have married me if she had been in her "right" mind. <P>Is any of this making sense to you? <P>What I'm saying is that before you get involved with someone else...before you let yourself fall for this guy, you need to heal. You need to deal with the emotional problems that go hand in hand with abuse. You indicated that it was pretty bad, and that you endured quite a bit before leaving. Years of abuse leaves mental and emotional scars that take <I>years</I> to heal. You are still, in a sense, on the rebound, and it takes a lot longer to rebound from an abusive marriage than it does from your average run-of-the-mill romance.<P>You need to deal with the issues from your abusive marriage <B>first</B>, and then, and only then, can you start looking for a more healthy relationship.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited May 28, 2001).]

I agree with cjack. Listen I also had a simular first husband and was lonely a long time and I thought I knew what I was looking for. My second marriage came about because I eqauted safety for love. The best time you can have and best friend is YOURSELF.You would not buy a house without a good inspection, you would have specifics the same with the supermarket before you go shopping. The same is true for love. You must know what to look for before you start to look. Some of us rush into the market, squeezing plums and buns, accepting what feels good, looks good, or smells good, without really understanding what is good.What is good for you matches your specifics. What's good for you expands the greatest experience of yourself. What's good for you lifts your awareness to a higher reconnition of your all-rightness in life. What's good for you will ultimately prove to be good for those you have invieted into your life.(In the Meantime by: Iyanla Vanzant). The other good book is (Date like a Man By;Myreah Moore) I also did not tell my friends some of them when I did could not beleave my X was capable of that behavior. I lost some OK, they did not live in my nightmare, A person who kills, rapes, ect... does not wear a shirt that says so, not everyone will think it's true, Live for you and your approval. My favorite qoute"I am not a failure because I did not make it, I am a sucess because I tried." Hold up and educate yourself. If this person is Meant to be you have plenty of time. (Hot chocolate For The Mystical Lover By: Arielle Ford, a 101 true stories of SOULMATES).<P>Best Regards<P>C

Hi... wow, CJack... how did you recover from THAT rejection?<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

OvrCs: I haven't really gotten over it yet! <P>I think clc58 hit the nail on the head, though. My Ex mistook the feelings of safety and security for love.

Hi all,<BR> Just wanted to respond to your abuse and not telling anyone.<BR> Before I left my XH my own father did not know what was going on. He had hints b/c he new he was a heavy drinker, but he did not know at all what was going on. He was a little upset that I did not tell him but, he understood that I have my reasons.<P> When I married my XH. I had many friends and belonged to an organization and felt that they were just about family. He made me leave all of that behind when I met him. (that should of been the first clue). When I left him I came back to the roots. Got in contact with old friends. Some have not been so nice and some were upset that I left them behind and did't trust in the friendship to contact them. It is hard I felt ashamed and scared with the abuse.<BR> I have opened up alot and learned to trust again. I'm not 100% together yet but I'm well on my way. <BR> I made one promise to my self and that is to be honest and open no matter what or who.<BR> And to that I say thank-you to my friends for being there even when I was absent.<P> Hope this helps you, I know it did me<BR>Wishing us all well<BR>..........JJ........

cjack & ovrcs,<P> Just want to say, I did see what I did. I tried to get him to marriage counseling and was willing to work through it, but he has choosen divorce, because he says he does not want to see himself. I got thrown away and have felt this rejection even though I saw it. I will always be grateful for what I learned from him, that I could be safe and find out who I am.I try to look at him as a gain and a way to find the middle. I also have learned when I see something about someone I don't like, it might be because they posess something I have and can bring out or I may not like it about myself. Sincerely C<P>Pain brings Growth.......

~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]

Hey,<BR> The worst lonliness is not being able to be alone with yourself. Read, I take walks and have gone to the movies with myself, I am really getting to like being with me. I pray for new friends and found some new girls in my shoes to hang with. This weekand comming I am going on an all woman spirit retreat.I have gone to book stores ordered special coffee and looked at books that would nurture me. You will be so glad you made yourself slow down. I know it's hard but the more you do it the easier it gets!!!!Besides look at all the people you can talk to hear. Lot's of great people.......Norman Vincent Peale " The Power of Positive Thinking".....<P>Go For It<P>C

~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]

~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]

Hi gang,<BR> I truely know where your coming from. I like to be alone but only if I know soon I won't be I know that sounds crazy. I like when my son goes away. A birdie told me I need JJ time. But to me JJ time means hanging with someone special. I geuss it should't be like that. Then I miss my son terribly. So either way I get the bad end of stick. I have def grown more thou with the JJ time I have had. <P>.........JJ..........

~<p>[This message has been edited by not incapable of love (edited June 11, 2001).]