Empty Heart,<BR>Your topic interested me because I think you feel the same way my STBXH feels. He says that when he left, that our marriage vows were null and void. But I don't believe in "dating while still married". And he is not in any hurry to get divorced either. But it is not because there is any chance of reconciliation, he just wants to put off the inconvenience and money that divorce causes. Could this also be a factor in your situation? I ask because it seems that your marriage vows don't mean much to either of you now to be blunt. They are broken. And if you should reconcile, maybe NEW VOWS would be benefical and meaningful to you both. I rememer reading on another post that no matter how the situation resolves itself - divorce or not - that you are entering a new relationship with each other. That really struck me as true. I got the feeling that you are bothered by the ambiguousness (if that is a word) of the situation, or you would not have posted the question. Being married but not living as married is hard emotionally. I'm not advocating divorce, but maybe a fresh start would help you both, whether you eventually reconcile or not. Who knows, maybe a clean slate could help both you and your husband decide what you really want.<BR>Lisa<P><BR>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited July 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited July 07, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SoSad.59:<BR><B>He says that when he left, that our marriage vows were null and void. </B><P>Did he leave to be with another woman? If he did, then that was an excuse to justify his actions, imho.<P><B>And he is not in any hurry to get divorced either. But it is not because there is any chance of reconciliation, he just wants to put off the inconvenience and money that divorce causes. Could this also be a factor in your situation? </B><P>As far as I know the inconvenience and money don't play a part. All that is left is for both of us to sign the papers and we both have the papers in hand. He just doesn't want it to go through yet.<P><B>I ask because it seems that your marriage vows don't mean much to either of you now to be blunt. They are broken. </B><P>I agree with your statement. I don't feel like there's any commitment between us to uphold. I've given him every chance possible to give up the ow to work on our marriage but he just won't do it. His excuse is that he's not ready. Well I'm not going to wait. It's been over a year for crying out loud, how much more time does a person need to figure things out?<P><B>I got the feeling that you are bothered by the ambiguousness (if that is a word) of the situation, or you would not have posted the question. Being married but not living as married is hard emotionally. I'm not advocating divorce, but maybe a fresh start would help you both, whether you eventually reconcile or not. Who knows, maybe a clean slate could help both you and your husband decide what you really want.</B><P>I think my main concern would be IF the time ever came before the divorce is final where my h and I discuss reconciling, would I disclose this information to him? Even before that point, I need to know if I even want to go down that route. As for a clean slate, again I'm not sure if I want a life with my h anymore.

If your 'response rate' is 50/50, where else are you posting...I'd say that you got a fair quorum going here for adultery. I am not attempting to judge you, but your actions. What you 'thought' (i.e. it was over) is irrelevant. You have satisfied the minimum requirement in both the law's and God's eyes.<P>I think maybe you were/are caught up in the tit-for-tat thing here. The problem with that is that your actions are dictated by his...you are relinquishing your free will by doing that, and it does not sit well with you at a deep level. That is a lack of integrity...not a lack of character per se, but you need to be more honest with yourself here.<P>I will don my asbestos underwear, too (asbestos I can...I HATE PUNS!). I don't want you to feel bad, and I don't agree that you are a 'backup plan' as such. If you don't want to reconcile, then don't, but you could take this as an overture...maybe he wonders too?<P>Food for thought, that's all. Take care. God bless.

Posted in error<p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited July 09, 2001).]

emptyheart,<P>Of course it is cheating. Of course it is adultry. Please put those two statements in the context that I pass no judgement, I particularly don't care if someone sleeps with an elephant. When they pick out the committee to judge the morality of other people's behavior, they sure as hell aren't going to put me on it.<P>If you are using this forum as a survey, then, you might want to take a recount, there is no way you are getting a 50/50 response on this. It seems to me that what you are caught up in here is a fallacy in reasoning. I suspect that you are arguing in your own mind that two wrongs make a right, whats good for the goose is good for the gander, etc. There is a formal name for this mistake in reasoning, "Tu quoque" or "two wrongs make a right": dodging the main argument by including the opposition in the blame ("you did it too"), or justifying an action because one's opponent has performed it. That is exactly what is happening when you say there are opinions on both sides. There really aren't two sides, only fact and fallacy.<P>Your thought process isn't crazy and it isn't hypocritical, it is just what happens to a person when needs go unmet. It is very common for people create or modify a system of beliefs in order to facilitate behavior that feels good. The ability to delude oneself may well be an important survival tool. Welcome to the human race.<P>I'm coming down with c00ker on this one. There is nothing in this world that is of any less importance than what other people think about what you are doing. What is really important is what you think about what you are doing. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B>"And -this above all, to thine own self be true, and it must then follow as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." ..Polonius Advice to Laertes. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>emptyheart, the one thing that you might want to consider is slowing down a little. The statement that you've only been dating for a couple of months and have been intimate with "other men" implies a number of partners. That is pretty risky behavior in today's world of sexually transmitted diseases. Really recommend you consider a visit to the doctor. Might be a good time for a checkup and some blood work.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<BR>