<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>I thought I was a good person, but God is showing me different these days...I must be far worse than I could've ever imagined, this is getting WAY out of hand, and I am wanting it to stop so much. This life is not working at all, and a new one seems very enticing to me now. I really feel like leaving it all behind, the XW, the kids, the friends (yes, like the one who's sleeping with my XW, and pretending to be my kids dad two days after the D!), all of it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please forgive me for not seeing this before! My H is on nights this week, so I couldn't get on until just a while ago.<P>Mike!! This is NOT TRUE. You are soooooo good!! Please tell me you are here -- tonight-- somewhere -- PLEASE!!<P>Last night, another woman was talking about checking out for good, and I was there, with her... praying... and now, Mike, I am praying for YOU!!!<P>You have fought the good fight -- and the "good fight" is for YOUR BENEFIT right now. You are a good, strong, Christian man... DO NOT DOUBT IT!!!!<P>

Mike, In the short time I've been on this forum, you've been one of the most helpful people. You are a good person, you have a great sense of humor, and you're very perceptive (I don't know you well enough to praise all the other good points I know you have). <P>I do not believe God punishes us. I believe we punish ourselves by separating ourselves from God. What we're going through is a true test of our faith. Trusting God when everything seems to be falling apart around us is really scary. <P>Someone at work pointed out to me how much better everything is now than a month ago and how much healthier I look (because I had breast cancer they all worry about me, which is nice). It made me realize that I'm only looking at the bad, not at the good. I've been feeling more depressed this past week, but in reality, I have a lot to be thankful for. <P>Look at what you have to be thankful for. I know it's hard when everything looks hopeless, but there's always so much more than we realize. Remember, this too shall pass. <P>I assume Aaron is your son. He is taking out his pain on the only stable person in his life. That's what kids do. I've been there. The kids were furious at me for pining away on MB and even more furious when I let my H come home for a month - they even ran away. But when my H threw me out, they planned to move out with me, as my nephew said to my H, "We need a parent."<P>Let us know how you're doing today.

<B>MIKE!!!! WHERE ARE YOU????? </B>I'm worried...<P>I hope I'm not over-reacting... that last message just sounds so ominous... <P>

Sorry, I just meant that I am tired of trying to make things work, theu just get worse. The whole where is the !@#$ bottom of this thing. I said 'a new life', not 'no life', I would decorate the box to my liking, and sulk there if that were my lot. I still have 10 feet of that border, after all.<P>The thing with Aaron is a BIG part of the bigger picture, however. He has always been passive-aggressive, and Teri and I have always disagreed on how to handle it. She wanted medication, I wanted to work with him at another level, but I do not, as I said inspire any sort of allegiance, or respect from Teri, or any of the kids. I spent over two years at sea (literally...768 days out of about 5 years) working, and wasn't home for 6-8 months at a time, I just lost all sort of authority in my home, and since moving to Illinois 10 years ago, I've been slowly beaten down, she just finished the job, and he is accentuating it. Yes, I am quite despondent about it all.<P>I overinvested in my marriage and family emotionally, and it served to define who I was, along with my career, and they are all gone now...leaves me feeling empty, and like I was saying, ready to just take off, and go anywhere that is not here. I won't because I know I have obligations, and I know that I am supposed to be humble, and not angry. I just thought that I had it 'mostly' right...and working toward being right. I've had a lot of the opposite indications lately, kind of all at once...keep in mind that in March, my XW and I were working on this...wel, she was letting me anyway...I wish I had realized that she wasn't working earlier, and maybe I could've done something different. I sure as hell wouldn't have talked to the OM about my marriage, or anything else, for that matter. Still haven't been able to produce grace enough to forgive him. I haven't even seen him since my divorce. I have seen the one sister (the one who called), but not the over-medicated one, or her husband.<P>Tonight, I am climbing the laundry mountain, and dishes that Aaron was 'going to take care of...'. He came here to get clothes, and said to tell his GF when she called that he would be at his aunt's, or mother's. I said, sure. He has has 3 unannounced visitors, and 4 phone calls today, guess he hasn't 'told' anybody, either. Well, I'm not going to do it for him like I do for her.<P>I have no idea if his brothers are coming up here, or not. I have not seen, or talked to them since Saturday morning. I was hoping that Sam at least would have wanted to come up yesterday, but no word. It would be my weekend, so I really don't expect Teri to contact me about it before Thursday, or so. She may not even do it. I'm sure she has noticed that I never call her. (Maybe not, who knows?)<P>Anyway, I am sorry again for freaking you out, it is just very intense for me now, just the animals and myself here, and I really don't care for it, except when I am busy.

Mike, Mike, Mike, {{{{{{{{{Mike}}}}}}}}<P>You might be feeling bad about yourself right now, but you help us all every day, and your advice has helped me more than I can say. You give of yourself - and I think that is a wonderful expression of character.<P>It sounds like your luck has been pretty crummy lately (Job comes to mind!) It has to get better soon! I keep thinking "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", but it sounds like your plate is getting mightly full. And that just plain <B> isn't fair! </B> I'm pretty new here, but I noticed right away that you conduct your life with alot of grace. And that inspires me.<P>Concerning Aaron, don't forget that he would probably be disrespectful even if your marriage was still intact. 17 and disrespectful seems to go hand in hand (especially with boys) I remember reading somewhere Dr. Dobson saying that between the ages of 16-21, just try to keep your kids alive. Every thing else is gravy! At 21 the aliens that took over their bodies depart and they start acting kind of normal again. I know I worry about how all this affects my teenagers more than anything else. They are innocent in the situation and it tears me up that I could not keep an intact family for them. But they know I would give them the world if I could, and I know your boys know you would too. They are just doing a crummy job of showing it right now. It's alot easier to get mad at someone when you know that they will always love you no matter what. Maybe they have to treat your XW a little more delicately because they aren't as sure of her love and that she won't leave them again. <BR>I'm sending you lots of hugs and maybe a wee bit of luck too <BR>Lisa

Lisa,<BR> Thanks, that helps a lot. While I feel really bad, I'd hardly be justified in comparing myself to Job. He had it much worse, and he was, admittedly, a much greater man to begin with than I am. Not that I think that matters, in fact, that that would happen to him lessens my need to blame myself for all of it. I don't know. It's not a fruitful endeavor, I suppose; at least not now. My ability to be objective is impaired, and there is so much to do (like I feel like doing most of it, but) it is really a bit overwhelming...yes, a bit, I'd say.<P>I am still 'working' on things, a little at a time. Getting a job is first priority, followed by (now) the house. I still have no idea how to prevent the foreclosure. I've looked a little into refinancing, but who am I kidding? I don't have an income yet! There is little chance of geting any, however. My score was low before the firing, and divorce...probably negative now! I'd owe money, or something <P>I decided to try something a little radical. I saw a project up for bid for an application...I was going to bid right away, but then I decided to write a little demo code, and put it on the website. When I bid, I will put the link in the bid, and see what happens. Its pretty risky, but the demo I am working on generates web pages. Properly fleshed out, it would make a good tool. If they pass perhaps I could market it another way. I thought it would be worth a try. At this point, I am willing to try almost anything. Inventing options is not out of the question!<P>Thanks again for your encouragement. BTW, I was further encouraged by your success at the meeting, and after! Sounds like you made some serious headway there.

Hi...<P>Good thinkin' on the job prospects... keep workin your contacts also. Networking is key! <P>Aaron, isn't he the one who made the coffee and went to court all by himself one morning without bothering you! Remember the little things... your goal, keep him alive and let him know you love him in the language he understands. Now which of the five would that be?<P>Words of encouragement<BR>Gifts<BR>Touch<BR>Time and attention<BR>Acts of service<P>Even a little bit each day... He's your oldest, right? I'm concerned about the six year old. I hope all is well with him... I know you're tapped out and would like to cut your losses and make the break and start over... but I think you'd regret that... I don't know though, I can feel for ya 'cuz sometimes I think along those lines myself. BUT, God has given us this place at this time and He is with us... so KEEP on KEEPING on my friend.<P>By the way, H is coming here to drive the car back to Chicago so I won't be able to pop in for a beer or anything on the way... anyway, my three boys and your four... plus all the animals, eek! Sounds like a massive wrestling match with hair and flesh flying all over! Maybe another time! Take care!<P>Nik<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Well, you know me... the Drama Queen. Just glad you are still among the living... gee whiz. <P>I was worried.

Nicole...oh well. That sounds like a pay per view...Rumble on the River...well, near the river anyway.<P>That is a tough choice. I'd say that words of encouragement were in order, but he always hits the rail with the sort of doom and gloom above. That is strange, because my FOO does that, and I have been very careful not to do that...at least that is what I thought, but you know that the re-thinking of everything leaves much in doubt.<P>I am still trying to get this place together...it is a chore. There is all of my stuff, which is...askew? and then there are the in-process improvements...and then the housework...I am winning, however, because I don't have people behind me undoing it all!<P>I don't care for Comedy Central, but I watched The Daily Show with John Stewart tonight...he is very funny, and it helped. He had a couple of the Spice Girls on, and he just killed me! I'd like to have his job! (Sometimes)<P>The programming project is doing me good, too. I have a couple of them that I want to pursue, but there is not enough time...since time is money, its like spending money I don't have...very difficult to justify. Since the bomb, I haven't done too much on my hobbies, except the woodworking. The website is basically languishing as a result. Family Man (hi, Dan...thanks!) e-mailed me about doing things that made me feel good. The website is one of those things, and I need to study more, and program more. I did the entire site in the week after the bomb. I think that it is important. I was hoping to find a way to be able to work on it. The ideal situation would be to have it work enough to draw in some financial assistance for it. The goal is to do something I like, am good at, serves to better people, and provides financial resources to me. Right now, however, I'd settle for keeping this house with utilities, and food.<P>I think I need to look into Public Aid...Teri has, I think, already done that. I don't know. Her life is pretty much a mystery to me, and it serves to make me feel even worse sometimes.<P>Yes, I am concerned about Sam, too. I haven't heard from him at all, and I feel like I am losing him. Six year olds are easily swayed by candy, etc. That is how XW and XFIL/XMIL show they care. They don't <B>actually</B> spend time with him like I do. I don't want to seem judgemental, its just that I have devoted much time to him in a way that he can relate to. We paint, draw, watch videos, play games, etc. We just took the training wheels off of his bike...sigh! Unfortunately, I cannot sustain the sort of spending that they can...for one thing, much of her spending is financed by me. The child support is almost half of her income.<P>Well, people...I need to check into bankrupcy. I hope it will provide some relief, and I hope to keep the house. I have no car payments, and I have only the mortgage, and second as secured loans. The rest are unsecured. Not sure what that means to the process. Take care, God bless us all.

I know the feeling of being home with just the animals. I went from 6 teenagers and a part-time husband to just me and the ungroomed animals. In fact, right now I have to go feed the horses...late, but I just got home from an Al-Anon meeting.<P>Do something good for yourself.

.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 29, 2001).]

Well, Mike,<P>The picture is lovely.<P>Best wishes with those resumes.<P>And... if you are serious about the bankruptcy -- it's one of those things I wish I didn't have experience with -- but I do. If I can help you by answering some questions, I will.<P>~Sheryl

<BR>Hi Mike,<BR>Thanks for the encouragement from my venting message. I cannot tell you how much pointing out that no matter what I did, my H would take it as my acceptance of the situation. I had not thought of that and it really freed me. I had been tormenting myself for a long time that if I acted OK, he would assume that I was OK with his actions. Thanks again<P>I hope the job hunting goes well. I am pretty computer illiterate (Well, maybe 3rd grade). So I think your talent in programing and web design stuff is awesome. I know sooner or later (I know you are hoping for sooner!) you will find the right fit with a position. I loved the picture. My daughter is artistic and I can't wait to show her when she gets home this evening.<BR>See Ya, <BR>Lisa

Hi Mike...<P>I love hummingbirds! I'm all planning on getting some bird feeders and stuff for our new home. We're right down the street from a pond and a park and I hope that draws some bird-life into our area... need to attract them though.<P>You sound like you're in a better place. I'm glad. So, let us know how your "cold-calls" go with the resumes! That's a bit challenging also. <P>You don't call your XW but what about in situations like this where you don't know what's going on with Sam, for instance? You sound like a very committed Dad.<P>I'm glad you're able to pick up on some of your hobbies a little. Hey, check out Crown.org to see if there is a financial counselor in your area who could help you with your finances and such. I don't know. Bankruptcy is so damaging to your future that I'd be a little wary of it, personally. But, you know where you're at... and you know what you need to do.<P>You're doing great... one day at a time!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Mike,<P>I have been reading your posts today from earlier this week. I saw your file was on fire. I haven't really had time to spend in the forum, but I was just checking in. Seeing what you were up to.<P>I saw the pciture you drew with the pencil. Pretty! I also hear your dispair. You are so sad that I am crying for you. I am so sorry that it is getting so hard. <P>I know it is hard to hear right know, but God does love you and He is looking down on you with mercy even though you can't see it or feel it. One day you will be able to recognize. Sometimes I can't see God in my life either, but I am sure "He will never leave me nor forsake me or you". I wish I had a magic wand. I promise you would be the first person I would make it better for. <P>You are a good person. Very caring, warm and compassionate. Don't let your blues tell you anything less. You have helped me by being a friend. You have listened, and given careful and non-judgemental, productive and positive critisizm/replies to me as well as to many others. <P>Don't give up, don't give in. Every minute this thing has an emotional change for all of us in here to experience. We just need to hang on a little tighter and learn from the ride. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. <P>Don't forget that God didn't bring you this far to leave you and He will never put more on you than you can bear. I know it feels like you are full but God is still in control. <P>You know I have this favorite gospel song. The chorus says:<P>"He laid low til the fire got 7 times hotter, He was always in control,He had to bring me fourth as pure gold"<P>"He laid low until my faith got a little bit stronger, <BR>because I needed some room to grow, but He was always in control."<P>I think I messed the words up a little, but you get the jest of it don't you? He is there and He will bring you out. I am praying..<P>Love<BR>Kim...

.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 29, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> What I wanted to say, is...would your D be willing to share some of her work? I will give her enough space to have a portfolio online. My 'business' address is on the first page of my website.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR> Mike,<BR>I am sure R. would not mind sharing her work. She has made a homepage and I will try to send it to you on your business site. If you do not get it, let me know. I am not very good at all this Web stuff. My e-mail is L2Lisa59@aol.com. The homepage is primarily photos, but there are some pictures she drew and scanned. She primarily draws animals-esp horses. You will have to tell me <B>exactly</B> what to do to get her stuff to you-step by step. Like I said - when it comes to Web stuff, I am pretty dumb. <BR>Hiring yourself sounds like a GREAT idea! A brand new start for a brand new life - right? And whether your XW decides to be part of it is up to her. If she doesn't - her loss!!<BR>Have the boys got an interestin Web design also? If they do, what a super thing to do together! It sounds like it might be something that they could all contribute to in some way -regardless of their ages. What do you think? I can see it now-"Mike *** and Sons" Who knows- someday maybe you'll be famous and I can say "I knew them when..."<BR>I copied "Tex's" Road of Life piece and it sounds like God is taking you down a new and exciting road on that bike of yours!!<BR>Good luck and God Bless,<BR>Lisa

Lisa,<BR> I viewed your D's home page..very nice, although it took forever to load. I, too have a fear of small appliances! Toaster in particular. Garrett had a frosted pop tart fire right after we moved here! He was so upset by it. I told him it was only a toaster, and things like that happen now and again. Anyway, she is very good!<P>My FOO used to raise Appaloosas for show and sale , and my father used to pretty much run that. Now, they still have a few, but he broke his hip in April, and has emphysema, and has had about half a dozen grand mal seizures due to herpes encephalitis. I fear his time here is not long, and I miss him dearly. His parents are both gone, and I miss them, too. He gave Teri a gelding that she liked...just like that. We kept him here for a couple of years, but couldn't afford it.<P>Lisa, it was very refreshing to see that you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside. Your children are very handsome/lovely, too. I guess that H is handsome, couldn't tell under the beard! I guess that what's on the inside shows. My XMIL is looking sad. Literally. It makes me sd. I haven't seen her since the day after the D (mine, hers is still in-process), but she isn't looking too well. When I look in the mirror, I see it, too. I see it in Teri, too. She is looking, well, not so good.<P>The bike reference is from way back...can't remember the last time I talked about that...must've been early June, because that is the last time I used it. It is Garrett's bike, and I'm not sure where it is these days. OM rides a lot...Teri told me his (stepfather's) bike got stolen from her yard. I wasn't too moved.<P>Lisa, I wish I knew what to do about all of this for all of us...I'd settle for how to fix it for any one of us. Actually, I'd settle for just about anything these days. Just being able to stop my own fall right now would be great. I talked to my sister again tonight, and it really didn't help much. She felt so impotent, but I told her it wasn't her place to fix my life.<P>I will have to ruminate on this a little...I'm not sure what exactly I am looking for, in any respect...with the exception to the restoration. Kind of hung up on that one...I need to just leave it be...she's too gone to return, and I'm too gone for anyone to notice me anyway. I need to heal from this, and move on. -Mike

Mornin' Mike,<P>Hey, I thought what you wrote on that thread was FUNNY, so pick away at me <P>Boy, you've got a LOT going on right now... and all I can say is that I'm glad you aren't dead! I can be such a worry-wart sometimes!! It just so happened that the night you wrote your kinda cryptic message, another woman on GQ was threatening to kill herself, which was right on the heels of Tanya's death... add to that a hormonal shift in me and you've got the makings for a royal meltdown. I honest-to-God thought you were going on the kack-mobile and that's that last we'd see of you.<P>So, so glad you aren't dead!! <P>Have a great Thursday, my friend!!!

Sheryl,<BR> Hey, I actually did LOL there! I am glad that I am not dead, too...it would make it difficult to get all that stuff done! Thursday is looking good. Sam asked me if we could make it be 'our day', so I guess its Pokemon card battles, and DragonBallZ...painting, etc. We are going to use his stencils, and I am going to make him an Internet Aquarium with virtual fishies, and put it on my website. I also want to start his Internet refrigerator ^.<BR> Thanks for the boost! God bless you! -Mike