I had some car troubles, etc. and I got fired for non-attendance. I am a Windows/Dos applications/utility programmer. I know SQL, but the HR separtments treat SQL like some sort of complex physics...I mean honestly, queries are natural enough, databases no real mystery, and string handling a cakewalk compared to extracting harmonic content of digitized sine waves, and communications, which is what I did before...try writing a WDM device driver, or a Windows callback procedure, and see what I mean. I have my resume all over, but htere are too many who only look at acronyms, and not a true skill set. Good idea about the side work, I've actually done some of that type of work before.<P><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 29, 2001).]

A quick interjection: Mike, thank you VERY MUCH for moving my thread to Cinderella up... <tears> ... beyond kind.<P>(((((Mike)))))

Not a problem...I think it is important...they are having a BBQ, and must be very busy!<P>Sheryl...there is little need to apologize for telling it the way you see it...I'm not giving the popular opinion, as you saw on CC's thread...because we get caught up with the problem, and I think we need to shake things up a bit, now and again...get some perspective on things...actuall step outside our lives, and look at them with fresh eyes.<P>I think you have gotten too used to apologizing, it may just be a gut response at this point. I understand that...I actually apologized to Teri for how she felt...that's not an apology, more like regret that she is on the fog...'I'm sorry that you feel that way'...it sounds stupid to me now, but we all say it...its manipulative....like...I'm sorry that you are a morally bankrupt house wrecker...I actually am, but that's my opinion...certainly not hers!<P>I had another epiphany today. The OM, and his sisters parents divorced when they were teenagers...mother left them all. He actually lives with her and her new H...the father has passed away, I believe. I think that the three of them still have issues about that. Its actually making more sense every day...wonder how the fog will fare when that light gets turned on?<P>I'm just glad that I haven't let thos bridge fires rage too much!<P>Take care, Sheryl....and thank you! -Mike

((((Mike))))<P>I think it's ok for guys to give hugs to other guys, just keep your hands above the waste brother.<P>I just got finished going through this entire thread and my next stop is the eye doctor. But seriously, I know how emotionally draining the finance problems can be. I myself am just starting to climb out of the money pit. A couple of weeks ago I was a couple hours away from no power, no water, no house, no van and someone came through for me.<P>Anyway, seen you posting a lot lately, giving some great advise, and I sure that it helps you to help others. Take care man.<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Gotcha...and there is daylight between, so 'how bout them Bears?' Thanks, Bill...I read your stuff, too, and have a great deal of respect for you. That makes it mean even more.<P>Yes, it is all a handful, but I have discovered a few truths for me. Like when I have only a little faith, I give it to someone else...then I get a lot more back. Its really a wonderful thing. Like Jayhawk's thread, started out with a question, ended up with some answers, or at least the beginnings of them.<P>After I get the Chapter 7 put together (I really wanted 13, but that's not realistic.) and filed...I will be able to breathe. I just hope that my mortgage company will see things my way. I have a congressman that cares, and he has helped 'grease the wheels' before...we'll see how that goes. I got a semi-encouraging response on a decent job at a local community college...which my XW is attending right now. If I can get a decent job, then my financial woes will level out, and I can start back up that hill.<P>Thanks again, Bill...it helps to know that people understand, care, and have been there, too.<P>God bless -Mike

Nicole....did you make it to Wheaton...did you close yet?

Hey Mike,<P>I love what you were saying about apologizing for the morally bankrupt (good choice of words considering your delimma with money right now) wife... <P>Yep, that's me too... and the cinderella apology was #3, but you had no way of knowing that. I'd apologized and hadn't heard back, which is my bugaboo, and I thought for sure she hated me. That's my issue, my baggage, if you will. I spend far too much time apologizing for everything from my stupidity to the weather. None of it good, I know. I've always been that way too. Sheesh. I'm 42 years old, you'd think I could get a grip, eh?<P>I'll be in and out, off and on, all weekend. The step-kids are here this weekend, and then I take off for California on Monday -- spending a whole week with my kids. I'm scared, excited, and a whole bunch of emotions all rolled up... I want to see the kids, I will miss my H, I may have to see my ex (haven't physically seen him since Christmas)... it's all so hard. <P>My two older kids, daughters ages 19 and 20, are doing fine (not great, but fine) and are beginning to reach out beyond the nest. One is beginning a job as a nanny for my sister next month, and will be moving in with her, which will give my older daughter some space (that girl needs a job she can keep, please?)... it's my son, who's 16 1/2... I worry about him. He's been out of school for two years (hospital home care - he has disabilities - although "they" are not what kept him home, it was a big, long, horrible story)... anywho, my ex decided that it's time to try school again... and I'm not there, and I disagree, but he has physical custody, and I can't do much about it. I am working on getting him here, with me, as soon as immigration concerns are ironed out, and my ex seems to feel it would be best too... <P>...I'm prattling on here... It's just a worry for me, and I want to put him in my pocket and bring him back with me. But I can't. <P>Just thought I would check in with you, and thank you again for your gentle nudge up for cinderella.<P>Hugs, Sheryl

I am getting very frustrated today...I can't believe how badly the day is turning out, and its only 2:00pm!<P>I stayed up until 4:00am reading the US Title 11 Bankruptcy code...what a thriller! I woke up at 8:00, and the cats were hungry, and impatient...so I fed them, and cleaned out the boxes....before breakfast...not good!<P>At 8:45, my XW calls...she has no one to watch Samuel...(I already knew that that one was coming). She wanted to come up and get the N64 for him...so, okay she does that. At 12:00, I get the mail...tax rebate check is here! Yes! $600!...XW drops Sam off at 12:30, I have her sign the check. Bank calls...I'm overdrawn $56...Looks like one of my postdated checks (<B>never again</B>) was put through. Not a problem, I've got this $600, right? So, I tell Sam, let's go to see JP3 at the movies...he gets very excited. Well, the water pump went out on my truck, slicing a huge hole in the radiator...great. No big deal, I'm a block from the bank. My bank refuses to cash the check...my account is not a joint account, and they have 'no way of verifying' her signature. Super. So, I am 5 miles from home, its 95 degrees, I have a disappointed 6 year old in tow, and not one freakin' dime in my pocket. So, we just sit on the side of the road until someone I know comes along and I beg a ride home from him.<P>This is really getting old...very old. Plus, the turtle died last night. I guess that I didn't know what I was doing...whatever.<P>I am tired of fighting, struggling, hoping, just plain old tired of it all. I need a three week nap, but it just doesn't stop. I'm not sure I understand any of it. I sure wish that I was someone else right now. Oh, well...I need to get Sam something for lunch, and figure out what to do next. -Mike

(( Mike ))<P>You see I left the space this time. Just remember, brother, things could always be worse. In your situation, I don't know how they could of been worse, but I'm sure it could of been.<P>Interesting statement about wanting to be someone else. I thought about that for a while but then came to the conclusion that all of the experiences in my life to date have formed me into the person that I am and I don't think I would want to change who I am. Just a thought.<P>Bill

waiting_for_her:<P>Is your car working yet? If not I may be able to help you and would like too. No strings, I promise. Please e-mail me at work mskonieczny@xlai.com to discuss.

W-F-H,<P>I am so sorry. I wish I had some words of encouragement but I'm still at a loss for words, strange coming from me, I know. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and will pray for you. You didn't accidently pray for patience recently, did you? It sounds like you are being faced with a lot of opportunities to need some. Keep the faith and if nothing else, go back and re-read some of the replies you send to me and others here. Whether you feel like it or not, you are special and you do have a God given gift for making others feel better. Please let me help you if I can. I don't know how but anything I can do, just let me know and I will try. I hope tonight is better. <P>BTW, my son knocked his big toenail off yesterday and I can't get it to stop bleeding... all over the carpet, the van, the bathroom, etc. I hope the cops don't show up at my house anytime soon. It looks like a murder scene.... <P>Thoughts and prayers, Lynn

(((((((Mike)))))))<P>I am so sorry you are having such a bad day. I wish there was something I can do for you. From this distance, I can only offer back verbal support like you have been giving me over the past couple of weeks.<P>You have to remember that God will always be there for you and there is obviously a reason this is all happening. Unfortunately this is one of your life lessons that you have to endure right now and it is hard but remember that God never gives you more than you can handle. You need to keep your faith in God that he will get you through this. You will make it through, you just need to keep the faith.<P>I know this is probably the last thing you want to do right now but in reference to the $600 check, would your XW be willing to go to the bank with you and deal with cashing this check. I am not sure of the laws in Illinois but you will probably have to give her half of the money but at least $300 is something. You would be able to cover your overdrawn account and still have a little left over to take Sam to the movies possibly tomorrow.<P>You need to not give up. You are going to be okay. Like Lynn says, you should read some of your wonderful posts you have left for a lot of people on this site.<P>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today. You will make it through, I know you will.<P>Michele<BR>sballplyr_21@yahoo.com

Yes, I understand....thanks. As a matter of fact, I did pray for patience, and I am trying to be content, but it just spins me up after a while.<P>Actually, one of the by-products of the 15 minute divorce is that she signed off on any claims to that money...we would have had to still be married when it was paid out, its actually that specific. I did tell her that I would give her $300 of it, however...I'm not an ogre, and she really needs it, too.<P>Sam only has two of his three brothers to spend time with him doing what he wants to do...everyone else just doesn't do that like I do...it really irritates me. Right now, one is on Colorado with a friend, and the other works. Aaron is still pretty much MIA, I have had no word from him since he left two weeks ago. So, when Sam comes here...I spend most of the time seeing to his needs, and what with the cats, and the dog, and everything else, I feel pretty used up at this point.<P>One year ago, I got a raise, and a new job title, and my projects were all going great guns...I felt like all the time, effort and money I had invested was working out for us all...now, I feel like a babysitter and zoo keeper, and a bum.<P>Yes, the car is done...but that is another situation that I can't handle right now. I feel so damned useless it actually makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I have spoken before about pride and anger...I know that I had some of that, but really...not that much...I even quit yelling about it years ago, but I still do pout about it.<P>10 years ago, I was working in Virginia Beach for GE on a classified government project...was told I could 'write my own ticket' afte doing a few years of sea duty. I fell for that crap! Aaron was molested by a babysitter (happened to be my uncle's 13 year old adopoted son), and I quit...we moved here, into M/FIL's basement. I couldn't find work then, so I did concrete laborer by day, security guard by night...that was extremely humbling. Teri and I were constantly arguing about money issues. I went back to GE to salvage things, and it helped for a while...then we moved out here, and bought a house. It has been all downhill since then. We separated, and both saw OP at that time...briefly. We realized that we wanted to stay married, and I quit again. We nearly lost the house because of my inability to find work that would pay well enough to make ends meet. I fought hard to keep the house...I lobbied our congressman, and he helped by getting me an appointment with HUD, and JTPA retraining. I was able to save the house then, and get a job, but I had to quit school. That job only laster 10 months, but I started on a railroad crew, and cut scrap aluminum at Alcoa. That lasted for about 6 months, and I went to work as a programmer in 1995...two weeks before Sam was born. I was making $10/hour, which is a crime for a programmer! I made my way up to $42k and Lead Programmer, then I got fired...that is when she lost all of her remaining respect for me....and when I did, as well.<P>I am trying to be as humble and patient as two men can be, but this is getting worse all the time! I see that most people around me 'get away' with far worse than I could ever do...I'm not a crack addict...I never gamble, I don't drink much, and my biggest flaw is that I let my life happen to me, and I let people take advantage of me too much. I mean honestly...at that job, I did all of the networking, system setups for 35 people, research and development of code...I trained four other programmers, two who had BSCS! I also did BIOS engineering, which is a MAJOR PAIN IN THE BUTT, LET ME TELL YOU! I was given a chunk of hardware, and told 'make this do everything'! Then, I was given a project that was in major distress, and I think I did a great job of cleaning it up...I am certain that no one there even understands it...it really takes all of the wind out of my sails..especially when I realize that I am 'spilling' all of this techno-geek bs out to all of you. Its just that this stuff interests me...I built a telescope from a movie projector lens, and a photocopier lens...I was (YES) proud of it, and all Teri could do is say, 'That's nice, Mike'. I really wish that I had someone to share these things with, but no one can even feign an interest...that makes me feel like a mutant. I just don't like sitting around, talking about the same old bull$h!t every day. It gets old, and I want more from my life.<P>I tried to do interesting things with Teri...I grew some hydroponic tomatoes...tried to interest her in that...nothing. I started doing stained glass...nothing...I tried to do crafts with her...nothing...I built an EEG (brain wave monitor)...nothing...I tried tai chi...still nothing. I offered to record the Church choir doing Christmas carols...and yet...nothing. She is so enamored with these people she hangs with...they don't really 'do' anything...although they do 'go places'.<P>I spent a lot of effort trying to make a connection with someone who really just doesn't want that from me, and it has taken a serious toll on me. I am left here with noone, and a ton of responsibility, and non of the tools necessary to make it better.<P>Its trying my patience greatly...it is...but I will prevail in the end, I am certain of that. I really want to be bitter...I want so much to be bitter, and resentful, and all of that. I want to give up...and just lay down and sleep for a very long time. It depresses me that my family is basically gone to me. I don't think I deserve any of this, I really don't. I was relying too much on my children to help me through this, but I realize now that they are hurt, too, and they see Teri doing whatever she wants, she's managed to absolve herself of much blame, and financial responsibility, and she is even getting help from people, and public aid on top of that. I, on the other hand, live in this DMZ of a wrecked home...she tore out all of the carpet, and the subfloor is exposed. I put standard board flooring in the hallway, but that's as far as I got when the bomb dropped. Plus, the mess is pretty much unbearable, although I have made some inroads lately between feeding the cats, and playing DK64, and watching Rugrats, and DragonballZ, and doing other stuff with Sam.<P>Well..I guess that's going to have to be enough for now...my ISP just hung up on me! I've got to deliver Sam to his brother at XW's house...I will be back to those still awake later...gotta wash EVERY DISH I OWN!<P>Thanks to you brave souls! Take care, and God bless us all! -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 23, 2001).]

Mike,<P>I just had a thought. You are always telling me how great I must be, etc. Think about this: I spend my days as a systems administrator overseeing 20+ people and handling all their problems (only 1 or 2 of the bunch has any true problem-solving ability) I also do a bit of Visual Fox Pro programming and SQL debugging. I do way more than is asked of me and get very little of the credit. I completely understand what you mean when you say you have more skills than the masses, but for some reason no one even notices unless you have MCSE after your name. <P>I'm truly still in love with someone who has ripped my heart out and I come home to unappreciative children who, guess what, want me to watch DragonBall Z or Rugrats when I want to catch the Bravos. I am asked to fix all the Donkey Kong hangups, especially the swimming, I agree it's tough! and then last but not least the 10 year old thinks I have time to build the proper hand for playing the Pokemon trading card game. I actually spent 6 saturdays in a row last year going to ToysRUS to sit in the dirty floor of the storeroom playing Pokemon with my D and can recognize and tell you the attacks and weaknesses of most Pokemon. I also have a very unorganized workshop and if you could see my carpet in the hall, you'll really appreciate your bare floors. I also have a very demanding cat and strangly enough I got my $600 check today too. <P>I guess what I'm saying is that if I can be "a great person" by doing the things I do in my life, you must be an even greater guy. You are much more technically skilled than me and seem to have the patience of Job. Don't sell yourself short. I know someone out there appreciates all the things you do whether you notice or not. <P>Remember just last week when Sam thought you were DK champ of the world. Maybe we can find another hidden secret to get you some much deserved praise from your son. I don't have teenagers and God help me when mine become them. However, from what I have heard your oldest is being rather typical. Even though it seems strange to us grownups who can actually see the consequences of our actions, I guess they all have to learn things the hard way. He may not admit it but I'm sure he knows you love him. Rest assured he may not appreciate you now, but when he has kids of his own, he will look back and think you walked on water. <P>Gonna to check on the braves, now that SpongeBob Squarepants FINALLY went off. Also have to start the cleanup of dishes, etc.. Thanks for reminding me. <P>L<P><BR>

OMIGOD, Lynn! We are living the same life! Yes, I know that I must be patient, because not only do I have a substantial monetary investment in those cards, but I can put together a pretty mean deck myownself! Personally, I like Nidorino/Nidoran...Sam always put in those 'special' ones that just kicj my butt! (Which is okay...that thing takes a long time, and its harder to me than debugging SQL statements!)<P>I remember solving the same problem for a coworker six times in 1 year, it really used to irritate me when they would spend exactly <B>no time at all</B> trying to solve their problem before interrupting me to get me to solve it. In the cubicle to the left, my coworker used to do some sort of text files for an automatic weaving machine in Visual C++...I kept having to take these weird files out of the project we were working on...ever hear of Notepad? On the right, a grumbler....Microsoft basher. He's who I inherited my last project from...interesting variable names from him. Lots of angst there. It was a strange job, and honestly, I only miss the actual work, not the workplace...to be truthful, I'd be surprised if the company was still in business in a year.<P>OH, Lynn...that really hit the spot there...its very encouraging hearing all of that...it sounds sooooo familiar. I remember picking out the Braves, and thinking, now I used to be a pretty big Braves fan, we have that in common, and well, the whole marriage debacle....then this! I don't suppose you are left handed, or anything weird like that?<P>Anyway, I feel about a million times better now! <B>Thank you!</B> -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 23, 2001).]

Hey!<P>Glad I could bring a smile to ya today. I'm so glad you took that post the way I intended, in a positive way. So many times I've written things with a certain intention and when I go back and re-read them, I'm just not sure they will be interpreted the same way I meant them. For instance, once I told a lady at work that I was trying to train on something that she shouldn't have a problem picking up quickly because it wasn't "rocket science". Heck, I didn't see NASA on the door anywhere and I was trying to say I had confidence that she could handle the job, a simple paperwork thing(I still had to write step by step instructions for..) Anyway, she took that comment as I was calling her stupid and belittling her. It was just a dumb comment, not intended to hurt her but somehow she didn't see it the same way. She actually quit over this stupid thing. Heck, my job isn't rocket science. Sometimes I don't think my brain and my mouth are connected. <P>I was worried you might think I was comparing my life to yours and I wasn't trying to do that. It is clear you are dealing with more major life issues than me. Heck, just the thoughts of having 4 boys would put me in the funny farm. My one pushes me to the limit most days. Anyway, as I've been reading posts here, I started noticing this strange pattern of similarities between you and I but didn't want to say anything that would be taken the wrong way. Everyday it seemed you wrote about something else that also is part of my life. I guess that's why I value your opinions so much, even after just 3 weeks or so of posting. Kinda of a kindred spirit thing, I guess. It is really hard to put appreciation into words sometimes without it looking like a come-on or something. I'm just glad I could be there for you when you needed it and that I didn't send the wrong message. I should have never doubted you would understand what I was saying. Great minds do think alike. Have a great night and a much improved tomorrow. <P>At least you got one more night without having to deal with nightmares about mental dinosaurs on the rampage..... I hope to see JP3 this weekend too. My kids are finally old enough to sit through a movie. Thank God and I don't mean that sarcastically either....<P>Keep in touch and please take me up on my offer to help if you can think of anything that I could do. Heck, I'm saving a ton on counselling just by finding this forum. Just kidding, I am still in "real" therapy but I swear you should be the one with the degree. All that training is no substitute for reality you share due to the painful experiences you are going through. I know I don't know the whole story but I can't help but think things will be very good for you again someday and that your wife will be very sorry she ever left you. <P>L