cndy, i like managings' advice. it makes sense to me. i think the best revenge is good living. so go out and have so fun. treat you h like he's not a factor to consider. i think he will take up the chase. and if not, at least you're enjoying your self and that ain't bad. btw, i am still ready to bet you'll eventually have an affair with your xh. i hope you'll let us know if and when it happens. i think a lot of people so stop posting when they've starting do something that isn't popular on this board. we just stop seeing their posts. so, if you stop posting, i'll assume i was right, ok?

Well, Frankie - I guess this is my indication that there is "no affair with the ex" . Hmmm. I'm still here. More mad than I was last week. See my post under this same topic "Other - Did we have Mothers Day?" He's an idiot. BTW - ex did have enough in him to let the kids buy me a card and some flowers. Husband didn't acknowledge Mothers Day. I just didn't have a chance to get on over the weekend - busy with kids and doing all the things I needed to get done. Please read it and respond. Shoulda used the bat, huh?

cndy, i read your post about your h's marathon porch project. how wonderful it would be if things were ok otherwise. if so, you would be happy knowing your h was so industrious. face it, he wouldn't be out drinking with the boys, or screwing around! and i was wondering what would have happened if you had joined him on the porch project, like a mr. and mrs. tool time deal. have you ever worked with him like that?<BR>i thought you may have been angry with me for making the bet. i glad you weren't. i was just saying, as they say.<BR>i gave a really pretty procelain floral arrangment to my wife, there's a name for them but i don't know it. in the evening, we have crab legs, and wine. anyway, she was impressed and later said she had a happy mothers' day. so did i. this is anticlimatic but i noticed i waited until saturday to shop where as with the ow i looked forward to holidays. i'm still getting over her a little each day.

Frankie - <BR>I know how you feel. I used to be that way with my ex - I was always thinking ahead about holidays, birthday, and what he would like and how happy he would be when I gave him such and such. My husband doesn't even say thanks when we get him things. And to think that 4 weeks ago was his birtday and we had baked a nice cake, had presents, his favorite dinner, etc. The kids sang - it was really nice. I guess Mothers Day was his way of saying "thanks for all you do for me honey". <BR>My husband always volunteers me NOT to help him; because our 3 year old always tries to climb the ladders, get in the paint, etc., so he would prefer that I watch him and take him off, etc. I have offered to help when the baby is taking naps - but you can't even get him to stop for 30 minutes to eat. Its ridiculous. I figure though, if he keeps this up - I won't need the bat - cause he will die of a heart attack at the rate he's going. Ploof! End of my problems! (ouch - guess I'm venting)<P>No - the comment about the affair with the ex didn't make me mad. He ticked me off a little too this weekend. He shorted my child support check about $100 and told my son to tell me he "owed me". He uses me too. I have a sign on my forehead that says "gentlemen, run over me cause I'm a softie".

I swear I think my husband has a split personality. Maybe thats whats wrong with him. Last night he gets home from work in this "jolly old mood" and comes right up to the chair I'm sitting in and kisses me and says "hey baby". All happy and fun-loving. I want to slap the daylights out of him. What is with these people? I mean, does he really THINK that he can treat me like the trash on the ground, ignore me, not meet ANY of my needs, ignore mothers day, and expect a big 'ol kiss back? And just "forget" everything? Thats what he thinks! And because I didn't really react to him (by responding to be in the same mood he was) he was all irritable this morning. I called him from my cell phone to ask him a "general" question about why some mulch in my yard was "smoking" and when he answered the phone I said "hey". He says "WHAT". We talked for a minute about the problem and I said, well I gotta go to work - he says "yeah, whatever". WICKED WIERDO. What is with him? I truly and honestly feel that he thinks I should "flow" with his mood, when he's in a bad one - steer clear, but when he's in a good one, I better be. I know someone out there must be a mental specialist to figure him out? Any clues?

Sounds like he's trying to mess with your head, but I do believe that your best defense is a good offense right now. A friend e-mailed this to me and living in Georgia and all, thought you might like some words of wisdom from a "local."<P> This was written by the CEO of Coca-Cola Brian G. Dyson. President and<BR>> CEO,<BR>> Coca-Cola Enterprises. It was used at Georgia Tech's, 172nd<BR>> Commencement<BR>> Address Sept. 6, 1991.<P>><BR>> Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the<BR>> air.<BR>> You name them--work, family, health, friends, and spirit, and you're<BR>> keeping<BR>> all of these in the air.<BR>><BR>> You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it<BR>> will<BR>> bounce back. But the other four balls-family, health, friends and<BR>> spirit are<BR>> made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably<BR>> scuffed,<BR>> marked, nicked, damaged or even<BR>> shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and<BR>> strive<BR>> for balance in your life. How?<BR>><BR>> Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is<BR>> because<BR>> we are different that each of us is special.<BR>><BR>> Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know<BR>> what<BR>> is best for you.<BR>><BR>> Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them<BR>> as<BR>> you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.<BR>><BR>> Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or<BR>> for<BR>> the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the<BR>> days of<BR>> your life.<BR>><BR>> Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really<BR>> over<BR>> until the moment you stop trying.<BR>><BR>> Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this<BR>> fragile<BR>> thread that binds us together.<BR>><BR>> Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we<BR>> learn<BR>> how to be brave.<BR>><BR>> Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The<BR>> quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is<BR>> to<BR>> hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.<BR>><BR>> Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've<BR>> been,<BR>> but also where you are going.<BR>><BR>> Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel<BR>> appreciated.<BR>><BR>> Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can<BR>> always<BR>> carry easily.<BR>><BR>> Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.<BR>><BR>> Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.<BR>><BR>> Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift: that's<BR>> why<BR>> we call it - The Present."<P><BR>Be well and keep bringing a big bat to the plate.<P>Managing

That was GREAT! Its this one that keeps me going and trying in this marriage:<P>Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.<P>I guess that I am just NOT ready to give up. I wrote him another long 5 page letter explaining my feelings, telling him I loved him, I wanted our marriage to work out, I want him to let me know what it is I can do to make HIM happy, etc. I know he read it last night - I heard him flipping the pages. He was in an okay mood this morning - but didn't mention it. He just cannot talk.

cndy, you're one tough cookie. i give you an A, for things like persistence, effort, and courage. i sure hope it works out for you. good luck.

Frankie and others:<BR>Talk about confusing:<BR>One of my best girlfriends just called me and said "Whats up with your husband, I saw him taking your oldest son to school today" (which he hasn't been doing). Maybe the letter DID some good.?

Cndy,<P>Maybe it did do some good. I admire your patience and persistence as well.

Frankie and K - <BR>thanks - - I guess I have to realize that like the saying in that speech says "nothing is really over till you stop trying" - and I know that he hasn't bailed out on us, walked away, or quit yet - - there has to be reasons. Just knowing that he took my son to school (because it bother ME that he didn't) gives me that one smug of hope. Its "something" to build on - if not much. Baby steps? Maybe we have to take them. I knew upfront that stepfamilies and remarriage was going to be tough - tougher than a first marriage - but you have to believe in the commitment of marriage to even give it a shot. I still want this thing to work. I had an interesting response in another post from someone else and wanted your opinions on that. I was told that in Gods eyes, I am still married to my "ex". Why is that? I am Catholic and go to church (pretty much weekly) but don't understand this. Can you guys help?

Cndy,<P>That's one interpretation of scripture---I wouldn't give it much thought. Val (the husband) is wonderful on sortiing through Biblical scripture, maybe he'll chime in. But infidelity is a legitimate "out" in a Catholic marriage (I'm Catholic too).<P>It's my opinion that your husband "believes" in your marriage, but that there's a combination of his inability to communicate and his acceptance of the status quo that makes it hard for him to do much active about improving the marriage. As managing pointed out, one way to address this is to make the status quo for him less desirable, and then see if he's willing to change. There are problems with that approach backfiring too---but as a "final" approach, it's reasonable.<P>It'd just sad that he doesn't realize if he started participating in the marriage, he'd probably be enjoying it 10X more than before. And you'd be enjoying it 1000X more. That's a "win-win" situation.

K - <BR>I have to agree with you - no matter what I am "in Gods eyes" about my divorce and ex - I am HERE and NOW and I am married to another man. I honestly believe in my heart too that he's trying in "his way" to improve. Its little things - the taking my son to school today, and the fact that he's called me twice today "just to say hi" and see how its going. Maybe its his way of communicating.? For whatever reasons, I can see him budging a little. It could be my actions lately, my letter, or him starting to feel that I am serious about us.

Cndy,<P>You are getting the proverbial signs of "baby steps". Don't forget to use positive reinforcement and acknowledge these little things. They may be a HUGE effort for your husband (more in the fact that he's trying to change the behavior rather than the actual deed), you want to make sure that he knows that you've noticed. And like it.

K - <BR>I am definitely going to acknowledge it! I'm going to tell him tonite how much me AND my son appreciate him taking the time to take him to school - and that I love hearing from him throughout the day - the sound of his voice just makes my heart jump (which is true) - and most of all that I love him very much. Like you say, maybe the positive reinforcement will help. I'm going to try at least! <BR>I'm going to make him a homemade Cherry Cheescake tonite (*his favorite) because he made ME happy.

Cndy,<P>Please be careful. It sounds like your letter struck a nerve. But, you seem to have a long,long road ahead with many steps forward AND backward. This sounds like a very gentle process for him so I would keep looking for subtle (perhaps non-verbal) ways to keep the communication open with him. I'd be careful not to set your self up for a "rejection" with too high of expectations at this point. Maybe he will write you a letter some day. Has he always been so tight-lipped? I know a number of men that prefer to express thier feelings by doing, and not by saying. Could he be this type? Maybe their is some love in the porch because he assumes this is important to you as well.

Managing - I understand what your saying and I will be "very" careful with him. Last nite when we got home, he had the house [censored] and span. He wanted to ride with me to get my oldest son from football practice and drop my middle son at baseball practice - then we went and did a little shopping. A few times he mentioned the porch and referenced it as "my porch" For instance, he said "baby, do you like your new porch" and something about putting the dimmer on the lights so if I want to sit outside and read or something "my" porch lights won't be too bright, etc. He was in an extremely good mood yesterday; and I did thank him for taking my son to school and he said "its no problem" - so I didn't push things. Just a real positive evening. This morning before I left for work, he came out and wanted to look at one of my tires I'd been having a little trouble with to make sure the "air" wasn't low. Hmmm. Those little acts of kindness buy me more than any mothers day gift could.

cndy, i'm glad you're seeing some encouraging signs. i was about to post something about grasping for straws but now i think you may be making progress. good luck.

Frankie - <BR>I'm grasping for straws. I know I am. Each time I see 1/10th of an improvement something happens. ALWAYS. He's been telling me things about my son and his girlfriend (they are 15) that he overhears on the phone (via race radio?)and I found out what he is telling me is a lie - he's trying to break them up and using me. He did go to my 12 year olds baseball game this weekend - but the first thing out of his mouth (around my ex of course) was that he's been off work for 2 weeks working around the house (as if we don't need money - trying to impress people) and he HASNT been off work. I questioned why he says these things and he just blows me off. <BR>I can handle a lot, but lying about my son is pushing me over the edge.