GS.........<P> I wish I knew the answer on how to help you inside :-( But I don't know how to myself yet. If you find out let me know please. And about going through the motions OMG does that sound like me. I know about time to yourself too :-( You feel like a robot not a person let alone a woman anymore. You say you cannot leave you cannot afford it. Well thats not a good excuse to me. If you want out and find you again to be happy with you then you could find away to afford it. I know cause have looked into it also. I am trying to find another part time job here myself. And this is for me for once. But the one I want have not got offered it yet. So not sure where to go now kids are out for the summer here in a couple weeks. So I pray they will call and offer to me for fall. Please hon don't go on to long feeling like you are empty. It will eat you up inside like has me. Now I feel I am being punished for some reason. I just don't understand why I have been put through so much. Someday I sure hope I know. But in the mean time I am dieing inside. Another day tommorrow have to hope its better. Keep in touch.

Wonder: you made me cry and that's ok because when I cry I know I'm human. Have to get past our daughter's college graduation this weekend and then I'll have a chance to REALLY think about this. Right now I'm going crazy trying to clear my desk so I can take a vacation day on Friday. I want you to know that I think you are very special. Thank you for sharing with me.

dlara, my love for the ow slowly died because she was so busy with her life, she always overbooked her day so she is always racing around trying to do all the things she had to do. she didn't allow herself any personnal time. on one occasion she managed to take half a day off. she was on the phone to work most of the time she was home. i think she grew up believing life was nothing but work, work, and more work. a couple of times we were up till 3 or 4am and she would still get up and get herself and her children ready for church. but i really loved her and the little time we had together. but it just wasn't enough for me. i began to see that it just wasn't meant to be. it wasn't enough to justify leaving a loving wife of 26 years. i never felt so in love with anyone like that before. now i too must figure out how to live my life with my w. i've read that you can get that loving feeling back but like you, dlara, i'm not sure i ever loved my w. i was never eager to marry her. i never felt the excitment, but we got along ok. my w now asks me if i just settled for her when i decided to give our marriage a 2nd. chance. i, of course, tell her i didn't but in reality that's what i did. i was going to divorce my w for the ow and had the ow been able to share more time i would have. i broke it off with the ow and after that i didn't feel the imparitive to divorce anymore. i wasn't in love with anyone else and didn't have any incintive to go through a divorce. maybe i should divorce my w to be fair to her. but she loves me. so that's my story.

Gs,DL and Frankie....<P> OMG I think we need to get together. I hear so much of my life that you all have mentioned in yours. GS thanks for saying that about me being a good person. That was really sweet. But hard for me to think that way of myself. I love to give its me always have but does not seem to get me anywhere. Frankie if you are not in love with her and don't think you can be again maybe you should let her find with another. Thats how I feel about spouse. Thinking that not fair to them if we cannot fall into love with them again. I know with kids its really hard. Well it is for me that is. Frankie I know what you mean also about thinking you married for wrong reasons. I was just telling spouse that the other night that I did not think he was ever really ready to get married let alone to me. He was into partying and his friends and I knew that dating why I still got married is beyond me. I guess when young like that we want to think we are wanting to be married and take what we can. Sounds selfish maybe to some but thats how I feel now. I am sorry we all are going through the same thing here but I am glad I am not alone. It does help reading what you all say in this post. Please keep responding. Thanks

frankie, <P>I hear you saying that you may as well stay with your wife since you are not with the one you love. (so love the one you're with?). I am wondering why you would settle at this point when you have experienced the feeling of being in love. don't you want it back? I am a believer that there are many people out there for us to love......Did you ever think of finding someone else? It just seems like such a void, not to have any passion going on. <P>Wonder,<P>It is good to have a forum like this for support. You seem like a very supportive person and I hope that your situation gets easier for you to live with and accept until the time that you are ready to move on.<P>GSG,<BR>Hope all goes well for you this weekend for graduation. Take care!!!<BR>Nonplused,<P>Your point is well taken........I am aware that another person can not make me happy, I need to do that for myself, and basically I have. I do think there is something to be said about a good partner. I have been told by some that have a great thing togehter that it makes a big difference in life. Everything looks better and is enjoyed on a different level. It would be nice to be able to share life with someone that I can be close to emotionally and sexually. I would think that I would be happier from a realtionship like that. It is not that I expect someone to fulfill me, more to complement and complete me...........

dlara,<P>I agree, a good relationship is important and everyone deserves a good relationship. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I would make sure that I had "me" all straightened out (as best as I could) before I made a major decision about my current relationship. My counselor and I worked through a bunch of stuff after my separation and I learned and grew a lot for it. It was painful and a lot of time/money/work but worth it. I didn't have anything else to do but sit around feeling sorry for myself anyway. Now I see how things were working back then a little better. I know it wasn't my ex's fault any more than mine, but somehow it seems to me such a waste that we didn't take the time to sort through all the issues before we could resolve it to everyone's mutual satisfaction.<P>Love can be rebuilt once everyone knows what they do to hurt each other and what makes each other happy. After so many years you can't just forget a person. At least I can't. And now, my ex and I are in a situation where if the anger goes away one day, there is nothing we can do about it any more. That kind of thing can result in a little whole in your heart that never goes away. Plus always wondering what might have happened if we rebuilt our relationship.<P>Wonder,<P>I didn't realize your husband was an alcoholic. That is always difficult. I don't know too much about it, but I understand that even if an alcoholic quits, it's a long time to work everything out. Especially the years of hurt. Are you seeing a counselor? Is he? I mean, I don't know what you should do, but I think to stay together and fall in love again you would have to do some serious work together with a counselor. You must have lots of issues unresolved.<BR>

Nonplused,<P> I understand what you are saying..........<BR>No more said, I think..................You have some good points to make and I have taken them in for what they are worth in my life..........Sorry that you are in pain and troubled also, but you sound as if you will be OK and have learned from your life.......<BR>I enjoy reading your posts........You have some good input...... Don't stop!!!

DL and Nonpulsed.......<P><BR> Nonpulsed yes I went to thereapy for a year. We went together for about 3 sessions. All that did was bring out more hurt. So we decided or I did was not doing anything. He went to thereapy also. It did help him in someways about himself. And no am not in love anymore. I have tryed last 2 years and its like he can never fill that void I have now. We are way to different now. We just have different things we want. I am hanging in here right now for certain reasons but no I don't enjoy pretending. In fact it sucks alot :-( DL I so agree with you on that someone helping you become complete. Guess thats why we call it being in love not love. Big difference there. Please don't get me wrong I am glad he quit drinking. Its to bad took me so long to see the real picture but it seems like you get trained to live that way. I think you get my drift. But I could not do it anymore. Funny it took me so long 15 years that I cannot get back. And I resent that of myself too. I want someone to help complete me one day again soon. Funny one of you said you believe in all kinds of different people out there to love. Does that count as true love of your life you are suppose to find too? Please pray for all of us that one day our empty broken hearts are fulfilled completely once again. Keep responding it does help. Thanks<P>

Hello, I feel like I'm in the middle of all this too. My husband of 29 years (next week)moved out Feb 28th. He did so to find himself. He didn't feel I loved him, he was tired of being rejected. We were like the proverbial 2 ships passing in the night. Practically no sex for the past 2 years. However, on my side, I also didn't feel loved. I was starving for attention and got nothing but an empty smile and no touching. He seems to be doing better after living on his own. I'm getting used to being by myself in our house and I don't like that. We havd had too many plans for the future to give up. We have 2 wonderful children, married and not far away and 3 grandchildren.<P>We found a good christian counselor and have been going to him for a couple of months. I'm not sure I see any progress. I am also very impatient. I range from being so hurt to so mad. Incidentally, he had an affair with his sec 2 years ago and says nothing has happened since. I believe him - others don't. I also believed him when he told me he had not had an affair. <P>We've gotten through the first part of the counseling - forgiveness. I think we are past that. Still, he says he feels nothing for me. <P>Last night's session he admitted that he was afraid to take another chance with us because he was afraid that 6 months down the road things would be back to the same and he didn't want to be hurt again. I told him he was not the only one that was hurt. <P>I do have a hard time with his self-pitying. He thinks that he's the only victim in this. I accept my responsibility in this but it took 2 to get this far. His idea when I had suggested counseling was that we should have been able to work this out ourselves. But how? When I asked him what was wrong, what things had to be changed, he would only answer, things. He later told me that he felt that if he told me what needed to change (what I needed to change)then if I did change he would be afraid it wasn't from my heart. <P>Now how do you answer that? Damned if you do and damned if you don't!<P>My question is this, he is still going to the counselor with me. Is he just playing me along for time, for me to get used to the separation. Does he really not have any intentions of trying to reconcile? Am I sticking my head in the sand and should I pull it out, look around, and give up on this man that I still love in spite of everything?

bulltina, i can see how difficult your situation is. i'm 50yrs. old and have been married for 26yrs.. deciding to bread off a relationship of this duration is a monunental decision. you will certainly need a long time to make up your mind. i suggest you be patient. time is on yourside. i lived with my w with the intention of moving out and filing for a divorce as soon as certain financial goals were meet. this went on for several months while i openly carried on my affair and othewise ran around. i was certain of what i was going to do, yet i was never comfortable with my decision. the day finally came for me to move out. my w sat calmly watching tv. she and i had gone shopping for some things for my apartment earlier and i felt very uncomfortable, she seemed to be ok. anyway, when i backed my truck up to the porch to begin moving out, i found i wasn't ready. so i took my dog for a long walk around the neighborhood. i cried a lot. i went home and slowly started loading my things. i was very say. i moved into my apartment and enjoyed living alone. i was going out alot but wasn't seeing anyone on a regular bases. we both lived in the same apartment complex. i visited her from time to time to share holidays and such but didn't want to give her any false hope of getting back together. after living apart for 5 months, my affair had slowly died. i was reassigned to a job in another state. that served to prompt me to move back in with my w. it seemed the right thing to do. we've been living together now for 3 months. things seem ok. not a honeymoon, no sex yet, but we enjoy each others' company. i just could not bring myself to file for a divorce at this late stage. she has always been good to me and i'm thinking what the heck, she may be overweight, she doesn't excite me sexually, but still, 26yrs. is a long time. i suspect i'll stay but always think and wonder, what if. i think you should hang in there.

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Wonder, <P>I am not going to be posting you anymore after this one. Yes I am a peachy very peachy person because the life i have is one that I CHOSE. Heartless me , no I just don't believe in feeling sorry for people who ruin THERE life and CHOOSE to blame the spouse for the so called horrible life they had. my dear my father was a huge drinker and at times never came home some nights, yes he was SICK SICK SICK alcohol is a SICKNESS and I loved him very very much and you know i Love my mother who had all 8 of his kids and raised them almost by herself and i love her for never leaving him because she chose him and new that he was a sick man. Not once did my mother ever ever say she had any regrets what so ever. why because she chose him as her husband. why because she chose to stay. why because she was a WOMAN of her word. So when you say I am Heartless Wrong i am not , but i wake up every morning thankful for what i have and for what god gave me. and when my father died of cancer you know not just my mom but every single one of his kids were by his bedside because we loved him , yes he was an alcoholic but we new he had an illness not cancer honey alcohol . (A DEADLY ADDICTIVE DRUG) and if the cancer did not kill him well his alcohol would have.<P>I chose my husband , you chose yours.<P>mishi

gsg50,<P>I am glad you have done some thinking on you situation , shame on you for even thinking of cheating on the man you married. If you are not happy and don't think that your marriage is worth saving why not just leave? don't you think that cheating is a very selfish selfish act? How could you? I don't care about how insane your going without feeling love, cheating my dear is not the answer . Hurray to 'B' i can't agree with her any more . Get help or Get out.<P>mishi

whew!!!! <P>What did the wind bring in here today????? Chill out mischi. we are all just searching out here.....no need to get angry! You do sound angry, you know, and thatis OK, but I don't think it is wonder that you are angry with...........Five it some thought..Everyone here is just sharing feelings and thoughts and problems that are intense for us now. No need to tell someone that what they feel is not right........I would never do that to you, no amtter what it is you are accepting or not......(exception being.......abuse of any type). Then I would be as in your face, self righteous as you! But otherwise, let people vent! Waht the hell is it to you???

dlara,<P>chill out!! me? as i was reading wonders post's she sounded very sarcastic, and knew as she wrote people were going to chew her out, well she was right i chewed her out as i would anyone in this forum you ask a question or state an opinion then i come along and tell you like it is. 'Cause that's me bold but to the point and i say and speak out loud in what i believe in and cheating, is one thing i am against and not only that but i am very against people putting alot of blame on other people where it is not needed. and while i am on my computer this is my chill time so yes i am chilling out ......<P>mishi

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unacceptable content<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited May 27, 1999).]

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gsg50--<BR>I'm not real sure what happened here...everybody's fighting about opinions? :-) That's always a losing proposition 'cause we all have 'em.<P>We make decisions. We act upon them (or don't). We learn from them. <P>Whatever you decide to do, you've got support here in this forum. Keep posting, and keep living your life to the fullest...wherever that may take you!