<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>...a good friend called me tonight, talked for a long time, her told me what a good dad and husband I have been, I have done nothing wrong, wife is so confused. That is what everybody says, but she can't see it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know, there's this unwritten rule that most people follow about dealing with the marital strife of friends- be as supportive as you can, but don't say anything bad about your friend's spouse. That is, if I called you and told you about my wife and I, you shouldn't bad-mouth my wife, for fear that if we reconciled, I would hold it against you in some way- "how dare you say such things about my wife!" However, it's refreshing once in a while to hear someone say "what is she, nuts?" isn't it? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Hang in there, Train.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You too, friend. <P>

Sunday morning. I slept pretty well- I made sure I was good and tired by 11:00, and I slept till 7:00.<P>But now, I'm feeling glum. I think it's the missing morning routine. No wife to hug and hold before getting out of bed- of course, for the last several months, there hasn't been much of that anyway, but at least she was here... No kids here to wake up, only my own breakfast to make. It's also the fact of looking at the chaos around my house- toys, boxes, etc. <P>And then there's looking in the paper and seeing an ad for a concert she's going to on Tuesday, probably with EA man. That makes me feel great, let me tell you.<P>Of course, there's nothing I can do about that. But I can take a shower and go to church, which I'm going to do. Talk to you all later.<BR>

Hi DBT...<P>One thing that finally occurred to me in all of my process, is that no divorce is the same. I've been hearing you state, "And she wants to divorce?" after she gives you mixed messages... I'm in the same reality as you. You got it when you stated, just keep doing the right and noble thing in spite of their reaction.<P>In this time, she will reflect (hopefully) and miss that routine with you also. But also remember, it's more exciting for the one who left... life is about to start over. YOU'RE in the old house, the old memories... so it may not strike her right away.<P>Keep yourself busy... I mean seek people and other friendship relationships or whatever... not in the effort to deny what's going on, it just helps to keep your attitude up if you have plans and not just facing an empty house all day...<P>I hope the message at church this morning is JUST for you. Will you be seeing your spouse there?<P>Hang in there... remember, you're in this for the long haul... DO NOT be daunted by her words of divorce... this is just words, and divorce just a legal action. You do not have to stop loving her just because she's acting funny or distant... Just be careful of your expectations of her loving you. She may not have it in her to give back to you emotionally. May need some growing time.<P>I'm finding that to be true with my H - who separated from me. WE're living in a duplex now - he's upstairs - but I told him that this whole house is ours and he can come in to the first floor area any time he wants. I will respect his wish for privacy and not come upstairs uninvited though. Suffice it to say, it's weird. And I too say, "And you want a divorce." Yes, he does. I can't figure him out. We do many family things together still and that works for me because I'm NOT the one who wanted this in the first place. <P>So, you ARE plowing new ground here... there IS no model to follow... you are you and your wife is herself... you can't compare it to anyone. Though, the patterns of adultery are very common - not sure about EA's though. <P>Praise God for your calm... for your peace that passes all understanding... Keep TRUSTING HIM because no one, not your wife, not her responses not her love will EVER fully satisfy you like He will.<P>Warmly,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR>In this time, she will reflect (hopefully) and miss that routine with you also. But also remember, it's more exciting for the one who left... life is about to start over. YOU'RE in the old house, the old memories... so it may not strike her right away.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, that's very true- right now, she's redecorating, and full of plans to remodel the house to suit her desires- much the way she was in 1992 when we moved into our house. Also, because my wife is an academic, she thinks in terms of school years- she wanted to get into this new life before the school year started, and I know it's going to take another one at least before she'd reassess. Long haul, indeed. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I hope the message at church this morning is JUST for you. Will you be seeing your spouse there?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sadly, no. I am a Catholic, she is not- she has her own set of spiritual beliefs, mostly taken from American Indian spirituality. We always respected each other's spiritual life, and were married in a Catholic ceremony (by my uncle! What a beautiful day that was), but there's no connection otherwise.<P>I heard no special message in the readings today, but I did hear "as we forgive those who trespeass against us" very clearly.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Hang in there... remember, you're in this for the long haul... You do not have to stop loving her just because she's acting funny or distant... Just be careful of your expectations of her loving you. She may not have it in her to give back to you emotionally. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for your support, and wise words.<P>I've been following your story as well- in part because when my wife was house-hunting, I thought about suggesting a duplex, but never did. I'll be interested to watch the developments in your life as well. Good luck to you.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR>So, you ARE plowing new ground here... there IS no model to follow... you are you and your wife is herself... you can't compare it to anyone. Though, the patterns of adultery are very common - not sure about EA's though. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think there are patterns to emotional affairs, but this one is weird, because I think the man she's infatuated with isn't fully participating. The strongest clue I have of the EA is that she hid a meeting with him- but I know she hid it because he called up and told me to tell her that he had lost his wallet and wouldn't be able to meet her. He's not the "ice water in the veins" type, so I guess he doesn't know that she's hiding it. Sooner or later, she'll have to put her cards on the table with him, and then we'll see what happens. Part of me wishes they'd just get on with it- it's hard to get the disillusionment stage until then.

Train:<P>Hope all is well with you. I said a prayer for you and Nina last night, and the many others here.<P>I agree with you, hard to understand how they think separating will improve anything. And I also agree that it may make them think about what they had before, what they may want, and what they will really get.<P>As for me, sitting here in my boxers, listening to an old Grateful Dead show on the radio, talking with you guys.<P>The life of a pseudo-bachelor.<P>Yeeehawww.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>And I also agree that it may make them think about what they had before, what they may want, and what they will really get.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Town was a long way to go in a blizzard for the pleasure of coming back home. He could have driven his car straight to the ditch and saved everyone the worry. But what a lucky man. Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. He takes deep breaths and the cold air goes to his brain and makes him more sensible. He starts out on the short walk to the house where people love him and will be happy to see his face."<BR> - Garrison Keillor, <I>Lake Wobegon Days</I><BR>

Great quote Train-thanks!