To answer your question....blended families do work...BUT it takes WORK and lots of it. I didn't get into all the responses but am focusing on your original post.<P>I understand you are *thinking* of marrying this woman and are trying to establish your *role* in the family as step-dad.<P>The one thing I did when my ex and I divorced was take a parenting class. My husband was abusive and his *parenting* consisted of yelling, screaming, slamming doors, grounding for life...etc. I'm sure you get the picture. My children at the time were about the age of the kids you are dealing with now.<P>In the parenting classes I was the OLDEST mom...with kids the OLDEST of the whole group. My participation in this particular course was the BEST thing that I could have done. There were all kinds of parents there...single, married and step-parents who were there to support their significant others in raising their children.<P>Would your partner be willing to go to a class like this with you so that the BOTH of you could learn how to effectively handle situations? (My oldest (at the time 15) decided to take my car for a joy ride -- however I beat her home before she did! so I can relate to the teenage stuff!) You are aware of your parenting styles (which is a great first step), but maybe a parenting class would help the both of you establish a parenting style together that is nurturing and effective.<P>The other bone of contention your partner has an ex that is abusive. I discovered I was the parent much like your partner -- permissive. Looking back, I think it was because I didn't want them to be hurt any more than they already were. Also, Dad was harsh enough on them and I didn't want to be the mean one!<P>Hope this helps somewhat. Step-parenting is a whole new ballgame, especially when you have an ex in the picture that is jealous and possessive.

To Kathy: Thank you for the input, I will check on programs and seminars. To Elan: Thank you too for the input. It sounds as though the two of you have similar former husbands. Her ex all of sudden announced he may get married in the next couple of years. However, despite is background, I'm not sure this will change the relationship. He still refuses to speak with her on the phone about the kids. They both took parenting seminars which are required in Ohio when there are children and folks are going to terminate. Since I deal with this stuff, I am familiar with the materials and have reviewed them. She thought it was a good program. After he went, he called to tell her all the things she was doing wrong based upon what he learned, ignoring many facets of the program. Although familiar with the court required program, I would be happy to attend. My goal is to establish a relationship with him because I know how difficult everything will be if he continually slams me to the kids. He has turned this down. All I can do is try, but I know without him being supportive, it will be an uphill battle. The other unfortunate part is the kids are afraid of him because of his anger problems and I can see where they could distance themselves from him and I certainly don't feel that is good. I've seen it happen many times and I wish the alientating parent could understand what they are doing. Those relatinships can be hard to restore and sometimes take years. Thanks again to both of you. Lee<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Lee,<P>I was laughing when I read your post -- the part about her ex being critical and judgemental on her parenting. Hah! Hah! Mine was and IS the same. This is a man who never bothered to be involved with the kids for the whole time -- now because of the divorce he's super dad? NOT LIKELY!<P>Have faith though -- even through the parental alienation, there is hope for you. The one thing I would highly recommend for YOU and your partner to read is Divorce Casualties: Preventing Parental Alienation by Douglass Darnell (sp?). Although this book is based on women being the alienators, the ideas he gives to handle these situations work. My oldest was in Daddy's back pocket for about two years -- she is not seeing the manipulation and is working on her own life (she's 18 -- h*!! it took ME 20 years to figure out this guys an idiot, I'm happy she's taking a look NOW!) I bit my tongue too many times, but following his ideas has worked. I AM a good parent and my kids are coming around.<P>You talked about the *mandatory* parenting class. Many states and provinces (Canada) hold those classes. They are very basic and tell the parents to *get along for the sake of the kids*. They do NOT get into the nitty gritty that you are faced with, especially when you have a parent that is h*!! bent to make your life awful because he's no longer in control of his wife. The parenting class I went to dealt with those issues and gave me concrete ideas. My ex too refuses to talk on the phone or discuss parenting issues. It's pretty hard to *get along for the sake of the kids* when you have one parent that wants to be the RULER of the kingdom so to speak. Please, check into it and see what kind of parenting classes your area has to offer. Make sure that you are very explicit and tell them you need a class that will offer the both of you ideas when co-parenting with a "jerk". Good luck!

Well my kids are 13 and 8. They adore their step dad and also have a good relationship with their father (just lately). My ex was the role model used for "Co-parenting with a Jerk". But, with the help of his parents he and his girlfriend seem to be taking care of their own lives instead of harassing me. Time does make a lot of things better. I also have two step kids (although they don't live with us) that I get along well with. It is totally different if your the step parent living full-time with the kids or the step-parent that spends eow with the kids and some dinner nights. Speaking for myself, major decisions in regards to my step kids are handled by their parents. Do I discipline them? Not really. I may correct bad behavior but only if their father isn't around. For instance, the two of them may be fighting and I'll assign each of them to their rooms for a time-out. Now for our house. My husband is home alone with my kids more often then I spend time alone with his simply because they live in the same house full-time. Smaller issues (like my example of the time-out) he has handled but major decisions in regards to discipline are handled by me. An example: Say their homework isn't done or they get a bad grade. It's me that decisions how they will be punished and it's me that follows through. Their step dad keeps them safe when they are in his care, he helps with homework, he attends their activities, he takes them to shows, camping trips etc....and most importantly he sets a good example.

Thanks Elan and Bonnie for your insights. They do not a co-parenting(shared parenting) agreement. They could have but he refused to sign the papers for it. He has been involved with the kids, but so much on an emotional level. He deals with problems by throwing money at it-kind of like the federal government. I'll check out the book. She has tried very hard not to say anything negative about their dad and my guess is she has bitten her tongue a few times also. She has on occasion fired back when it comes to things he does or says in front of the kids that I doubt anyone would find appropriate. My guess is he feels a potential loss if someone else is in the picture. This seems to be common for many people although it is a perception, ususally erroneous. He is their father and always will be. My fear remains they will see(and have started to) him for what he is like your daughter did and the separation between dad and kids will take place. It is a self-defense mechanism that generally backfires, although I think I understand it. Doesn't make it right and I wish more people would see that. It keeps me busy in my line of work, but it certainly doesn't do anything to make the lives of children easier. It is a tough enough transition without being put in the middle or having to choose sides. A couple days ago he told his son to lie to his mother about being home when she made a call. She could hear her former husband in the background and asked her son to put his dad on because she wanted to say something to him about their daughter that was important. He told his son to tell his mother he didn't want to talk to her. He tried the same thing with the youngest daughter the following day but the little girl refused and handed him the phone anyway. Thanks again.Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Hey Lee,<P>just a thought....although it is extremely HARD to bite your tongue and to not pay attention to what goes on in *Dad's* house... the hardest thing for me was to learn to let it go and concentrate on what goes on in my house.<P>I found by experience that getting on the phone and trying to straighten out things or *explain my side* of the story really didn't make any impacts on anyone. What did make an impact on my kids so that they really started seeing things was by living my life. Kids thrive on consistency. Kids are not stupid and will figure out Dad's tactics soon enough.<P>Know that I understand your and your partners frustration in all this. Things for me really started improving when I STOPPED communication with my ex. PERIOD. NOTHING...no communication. If it is extremely important that I talk to him, I will put it in writing (i.e. one child needs mediation or has an appointment or something). I forget that the man even exists. Now, when he pulls a bonehead move, I ignore it unless it effects the safety of my children -- then my lawyer deals with it. Believe me, I understand the underhanded comments, the little games of manipulation, but the one thing my kids RELY on is my consistency. It doesn't mean that when it comes to negotiation I am not willing to compromise, but the kids KNOW that without a doubt they need to be able to back up their side of the story before I will change my mind. It does happen -- me changing my mind, but the kids also respect and value my opinions. Dad's behaviour and terrorist parenting tactics HAVE backfired on him. With your partners ex ... his tactics have also (the little girl is a prime example!)<P>Keep up the great work! Boy! dont'cha just LOVE parenting?? hee hee!<P>

Elan, thanks again. Sad state of affairs. She never saw of the importance of what you said about doing things in writing. Now she does emails since he won't get on the phone. This is fine but sometimes things need to be handled more quickly. She does try though. He took the kids on a short vacation(longer plan fell through for some reason-I think he had family coming to town). When he got the kids to Canada no calls to let her know they were there, where they were, etc. She just got back with the kids from Ocean City and did call him the next morning(arrived late) to let him they were there, the room number and phone number. Everything is kind of a toss up right now. The kids like me, but I also understand about family loyalty, ie. kids to dad. He has the ability to thwart our relationship, or make it very difficult at best until they see what is going on. Thanks, Lee

Thank you to all that responded. Helpful. Unfortunately something else came up last night in a discussion we had which I have posted at her suggestion under Moving Children after Remarriage. Again, appreicate you all.