<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR>...perhaps you've been scapegoated...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Undoubtedly. When she's been angry at me, she's said it as "You've cut me down to your size, reduced my passion for life to match yours!" In calmer moments, she says the same thing, but more along the lines of "I need to live intensely, I'm very emotional, and you're more introspective, intellectual..." as if that means we can't co-exist, and support and enjoy one another. <P>A friend of mine put it nicely: "I've never had a problem in a relationship that I couldn't trace to a problem in myself." <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Don't be afraid of the legality of [divorce]... it's just a the legal aspect of marriage ending... you've got the emotional and spiritual side to consider also.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Here's an irony: when I was growing up, and people were just starting to live together openly without marriage, I used to hear "marriage is just a piece of paper... we're committed to each other without it." I've decided that divorce is just a piece of paper. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>try having an in-house duplex situation... H comes into my area all of the time (I've told him he's welcome) and I'm trying to make it a welcome place for him... all the while, giving him his space upstairs... which is covered with unpacked boxes. It's very hard to put on the smile all the time when I really HATE that our marriage is breaking down. It's been over one year now since he's told me he wants to separate and get divorced. I'm trying desparately not to LB and to not give him a reason... but I'm not Mother Teresa now either...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that is just such an interesting experiment. I think I told you, I thought about suggesting it to my wife, but never did. I don't think she would have gone for it. The contrast between the home you create downstairs and the pile of unpacked boxes upstairs has to start working on him sometime- at least, I hope it will.<P>One year since he told you he wanted to do this? And didn't you only buy the duplex a month or so ago? That is not the picture of a man who knows what he wants. Keep the faith, friend.<P>By the way, aren't you in Chicago? I used to live there, first at school in Evanston, then for a few years in Rogers Park. Where are y'all?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>One year since he told you he wanted to do this? And didn't you only buy the duplex a month or so ago? That is not the picture of a man who knows what he wants. Keep the faith, friend.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, he doesn't know. He's very experiential... he is a product of his experiences... we had a long IMing discussion today in which he states just that. I tried to tell him that his choices today will then dictate his experiences of the future so choose carefully this day whom ye shall serve... He's so funny in that when we get philosophical or spiritual if it comes from him, fine but if it comes from me, it's nice and easy words... He hates that kind of talk from anyone, unless it's his own! I find it amusing now really. (well, most of the time). I AM keeping the faith but I've let him go. We're going to get divorced... I might as well accept that. Isn't that what they say at AA - the first step is admission, Hi, my name is Nicole and I'm a failure at my marriage. <P>Whatever...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>By the way, aren't you in Chicago? I used to live there, first at school in Evanston, then for a few years in Rogers Park. Where are y'all?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We are living in Wheaton... we lived in E. Europe for six years... then the bomb dropped... then moved in with my parents so the boys could attend school until we figured out what the heck we were going to do next... so we ended up here. It's not so bad. I like to complain but God is talking to me about that... I'm working overtime to just let my pain sink in rather than just bat it around in my head... as the body heals itself of cuts and wounds, I believe the heart has the same capability of healing spiritual and emotional wounds... if we would just let it travel from our head to our hearts - meaning NO PSYCHOANALYSIS - just feel the raw pain and KNOW that it won't defeat you in and of itself...<P>Take care!<BR>nicole<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~