<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sballplyr:<BR>I spoke to my husband this morning and he has agreed to have one of our very close friends act as our counselor.... I just need to know if anybody sees this as a good thing or a bad thing. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A trained counselor would be better, but this is a step in the right direction. Go with it.

I agree a trained counselor would be better but since my husband thinks they are a joke, I do want to believe that this is a good step. Maybe, if this works with our friend, who loves and cares about both of us and the kids, he will see that maybe a counselor would be the next step. Just getting him to open up to someone is my biggest hurdle. The other big hurdle is for him to initiate the call to our friend to set up a time for the three of us to get together.<P>He also told me yesterday that he believes our problems are fixable. This too is another good step.

My vote is a trained counselor only, because<BR>if your husband is manipulative, than a trained counselor<BR>or at least a good one, will not be manipulated.<P>I think this is a boundary issue, where you need to put your foot down, but that is just me.<P>I lived with a whacko, and her FOO did not believe in shrinks, because they were all manipulative, and didn't want to lose their powers of manipulation.<P>good luck<BR>WIFTTy<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sballplyr:<BR><B>Just getting him to open up to someone is my biggest hurdle. The other big hurdle is for him to initiate the call to our friend to set up a time for the three of us to get together.<P>He also told me yesterday that he believes our problems are fixable. This too is another good step.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My opinion and .57 cents might get ya coffee somewhere but I'll offer it anyway. Your husband WOULD NOT agree to go to counselling and had figured that this would all just somehow magically fix itself.<P>baby step<BR>Admitted he can't FIX it, that's hard for a man to do..<P>baby step<BR>Agreed to have a friend mediate some discussion, again hard for an egotistical male to do.<P>Baby step<BR>Says your problems are "fixable"..<P>To me this seems like a good thing. I don't know how much you'll be able to get out of this friend but it is certainly a "baby step" in the right direction. Hopefully with some encouragement you two will "baby step" on to the path of forever.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Hi...<P>I'm with Bill on this one... you have to go gently. I think DBTrain said earlier that if he makes a step in the right direction, go easy on him. I would caution you away from any ultimatums... (no my way or the highway - not yet anyway) but be candid with your friend that if s/he feels that the scope of your issues goes beyond his ability to help then for HIM to suggest seeing someone else - maybe someone s/he recommends. He's not going to hear that from you...<P>BUT, if this friend doesn't know what s/he is doing and comes across with LBing behaviour... judgments, or whatever, then he may NEVER go to a counselor... tread carefully and debrief with him now and then to get a feel for how he thinks it's going. I'd keep your cards close to your chest on how you feel it's going. <P>You know sometimes you have to let them feel like they're making all the decisions all the while gently influencing them (NOT manipulating) to see things in an alternative mode to their current way of seeing it. <P>Baby steps... I'd not jump in yourself with a giant leap!<P>Keep us posted!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

I'd like to second DBT's suggestion for reading Divorce Busting...there are elements similar to Plan A and Plan B, she calls Plan A (stopping LBing) doing 180s, and Plan B 'going dark', but there are a lot of similarities. DB is based on what is known as Solution Oriented Brief Therapy, which is an offshoot, IMHO of NLP. Acting as-if is also prominent. Michelle writes very naturally, and DB is a good read...she even tells you about her marriage, and its problems, which I like a lot! Her website is <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com" TARGET=_blank>Divorce Busters</A> If you hurry you might still see some of my old posts there under mtb...but I don't go there too much anymore. I've settled here, and here alone as far as those type of sites go...this one is the best!<P>You know if what he says is true, then once you can take charge of the interaction in a positive way, then you will be there!<P><B>The meaning of your communication is the response you get.</B> -Mike