I have to go get my kids, my night so i might not be able to get back to you right away, just check your email tomorrow morning if you go to sleep.<P>yahoo is slow around the world, and have had problems receiving, etc in a timely manner.<P>WIFTTy

Nina - I just wanted to share with you that I thought my H was in an exit affair since he told me he was leaving me for OW and then moved in with her for a month and filed for D on me then cancelled, but it turned out he was in a split-self affair instead which is different. I learned about the differences between the exit affair and split self affair in Emily Brown's book Patterns of Infidelity. I ordered it from Amazon- it gives alot of insight and detailed descriptions about the types/outcomes/ causes of affairs and the psychological factors that lead people to do it as well as a detailed psychological profile of affair-ees. It might help you help to figure out what youre really dealing with her. Take care- lifeismessy

Thanks lim,<P>So what is a split self affair?<P>I need all the help I can get before I do something drastic!!!

Jacky, I've not been where you are, so I can't give any advice: I can't tell you if it's plan B time, or if you should head back to Australia (yipes! I sometimes feel isolated being 350 miles from my family home!), or such. But I hope you know you've been in my thoughts and prayers all day.<P>Notheard is right about "loving you like a sister" - I love my sisters, and anyone who treated them the way you're being treated would answer to me (and my brothers!). <P>Any chance you have REM's <I>Automatic for the people</I> around? Listen to "Everybody Hurts," especially the end when the strings come in under Stipe singing "hold on" and the mopey first verses are forgotton in the swells of hope and strength. You are in the middle of one of the worst things that can happen to someone, and you're still standing. You were resourceful enough to find this website and to use it to help understand what has happened to you; the strength you need is hiding inside you, and you'll find it soon.<BR>

Thank you everyone, just for being there. It's 4 in the morning here and I just got out of bed after trying to sleep. I used to wonder why you guys posted so early, so now I know.<P>Don't know...my marriage feels so over to me. I'm lying there thinking of his tone of voice and body language, and I saw and heard how he feels right now.<P>dabig...no I would never treat my siblings OR friends this way either, and ordinarily, neither would he.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I know that I am very upset because my husband has left me to. I don't know if there is another woman but I will say I am suspicious that he doesn't want to work it out. Some people have told me to date other men to make him jealous - maybe that would work for you - you have nothing to lose. I know that I was a basket case when my husband left but I joined a local health club and started working out. I took classes at the gyn too. It really helped a lot. My dad is very supportive and I talk to him every night on the phone. If you don't have a friend or family member, get involved with a support group of some type - you need one. I joined alanon because my husband has an addiction problem which contributed to his irrational behavior and our fights before he left. I hope you get feeling better soon and I will give you one piece of advice - don't ask him to come back!

Okay,<P>I have read and read and READ and I have come to this conclusion:<P>That he admitted he took her out gives me all the knowledge I need, and pain, too. I DO NOT need the added pain of his wrung out confession and big time excuses. I have all the proof I need...last time I needed to know, this time, this timeI think I can work it out for myself.<P>Where to now? Well, tomorrow I'm going to tell him that I intend on moving back to OZ. If ANYTHING will make that man think, I know it in my gut. And I'm sorry to say it will be because of the kids, not me. I don't think I'm using his love for the kids, however, it is a thing I have to do, for me. <P>In my gut, I know it is best for me to make this decision, because it will do SOMETHING to him, one way or the other. And as I said before I need to know where I stand, and this is just a different way of finding that out. Don't get me wrong...I intend on going back home. But it just might make him think.<P>The other reason is that I want to keep my dignity. He doesn't think I will do this until forced to...no, I will willingly go. I can't stand this any more. And I will Plan B him while I'm there. And it's a sick kind of revenge I suppose, because one day, he will see that I did everthing I could to save our marriage, because I loved him so much, and he will, at times regret what he's done.<BR>

OK, try to rehearse it, write it down, so that you don't LB, just very quietly and gently say,<P>"I didn't move here to live alone,<BR>I moved here to support you, and since I can't support you any more, I will be moving back home with the kids."<P>look him in the eye, and after saying this, do not respond any further, just watch. He will perceive an immediate threat to his situation, and he will not react favorably. repeat:<BR><B> he will not react favorably </B> possibly very loud, noisy, and will either threaten or be very angry. he may even suggest something in haste, but do not bite, as he is talking in all emotions.<P>DO NOT DISCUSS FURTHER WHEN HE IS EMOTIONAL. He may not remember it anyway. you might want to do it with someone else present or in a public place, that might be better, up to you.<P>you may be best to leave if he is all emotional, so that he can calm down and discuss rationally later. . . <P>just some thoughts, after dealing with a similar issue with an ESFJ, be prepared, and try not to react to his reaction, that will help him listen and take you seriously.<P>good luck, i am with you on this one,<BR>and think you are taking the right step,<BR>although be sure you think through his possible<BR>retaliation as far as preventing you from leaving. . . don't know that much about your situation and legalities.<P>WIFTTy<P>however,

Thank WIFTTy,<P>I don't think he will react like that though. His initial response in my presence is likely to be one of relief (even if he goes home and cries his heart out). And I am prepared for that. BUT I will NOW also be prepared for the unexpected, and for that I appreciate your response.<P>At this time of night here, 2am, I don't really CARE what he thinks!!! Tomorrow I am still going to tell him, though. I have really made up my mind on this, and IF (BIG IF) he doesn't like it, well, then there will have to be some changes...<P>Doubt he'll show me what he thinks, though.<P>I have thought about our departure. I do not want him to come to the airport...surely he can make time to say goodbye to the kids at home???<P>I am worried about my future there without him, but hey, I'm a survivor and an Aries...gotta count for something!!!<P>WHY the hell do I feel so optimistic in the face of my marriage ending???

Dear Nina II,<BR> I feel compelled to write to you and share my story in hopes that maybe it would be a small encouragement for you. Just know that your name is one that I will recall very easily in prayer because it is an original. <BR> Anyway, boy do you remind me of myself. My husband has filed for a divorce and I was devastated, but I only learned why 2 weeks ago (affair with colleague). Well, all those issues ran though my head like, can this marriage be saved?, should I call her?, should I kick her butt? etc...<BR> What I did I am not proud of but what's done is done. On Friday, July 27, I went online and accessed my husband's cell phone account after about 4 hours of trial and error code breaking, it's possible, where there's a will there's a way. My worst suspicions were true, the phone bill was riddled with calls to one particular phone number ( he is a cop and these calls were being made all night long as he works the graveyard shift). He came home and I asked to see his cell phone, he gave it me, I ran in the bathroom with it and dialed the number... she answered and I asked, who she was, i told her who i was and needless to say, I stayed calm and kind and asked her to stay away from my husband - she said NO. She said a lot of other mean stuff, but I won't bore you w/ details.<BR> Well, here is what I have to say about your situation...<BR> Regarding your husband being true to himself, that is such a cowardly response... If he had any brains he would know that the only one to be true to is God. And I know that God says he hates divorce (Malachi 2)<P>My husband says the same thing to me about me being like a sister to him, or a friend, the greatest is me being a roommate. If our husbands would open their hearts to God they would quickly realize that they have been so foolish in their ways, thoughts and rationalizations.<P>My husband says to me, "this is NOT your fault, I take full responsibility" and that I don't deserve this... Kind of sounds like how your husband said, "sorry for putting you through this". Again, cowardly responses that are supposed to make us feel better, right? wrong. <P>For your husband to be with a woman that has been divorced 3 times who is involved with a married man with children really says a whole lot about this woman. She has the capability of destroying a family, and ya know what she will always have that ability unless she opens her heart to God as well. <BR> <BR>What I have done now is told him that he needs to leave if he is going to live like he is married to another woman. (Advice from my pastor) So he said that he is moving in with a partner of his and that he is going to pray and try to read the bible and decide on what he is going to do. I told him not to come back here unless I am at work or church and the next time I see him it will be OPTION #1 him walking through the door saying I commit to you, this marriage, covenant with God and I will NEVER see her again or Option #2 I will see him at court on the day of the arbitration hearing.<P>This may seem harsh to some but it has been a year now and he can't have both anymore.<P>Oh yeah, coincidentally, I lost 25 lbs too. I laughed when you wrote about the "infidelity diet". Thanks for the laugh. That was the first time I heard that.<P>Nina, Thanks for sharing your story and helping me to remember that I am not alone. Because we are still breathing, walking, talking, whatever, it is proof that God is not done with us yet. God keeps his promises and he keeps his promise of the marriage covenant between you and your husband and me and my husband even when we don't. I encourage you to pray for him, for her (even though you want to rip her eyes out - so do I), pray for those around him influencing him. I don't agree with those who say to move on, or that since he has given a verbal divorce or emotional divorce verbally that you should forget him. I know that God will reward you for continuing to love your husband and pray for him. And He will give you the strenght you need in this time, during this trial. Just ask him. GOD is bigger and more powerful than our husbands or this situation. Don't give up HOPE, that is something that our husbands can't take away. And even if the outcome of our efforts and prayers are not answered in the way that we would answer them just know that God is still there, still comforts, still provides. <BR>God bless you - you are in my prayers

mnca6713julia3 (what a complicated handle!!!)<P>Thank you for the words of support. After talking with him yesterday, I have some small hope that he will at least seriously think about the implications of what he's doing.<P>Thanks for considering me in your prayers. I appreciate that. I have many people asking for assistance for my h and I, and I know it is helping.<P>Take care yourself, I'll pray for you, too.