wdid,<BR>Here is a quiz from Patricia Evans' site at <A HREF="http://www.verbalabuse.com." TARGET=_blank>www.verbalabuse.com.</A> <BR>---------<BR>1. Your mate seems irritated or angry with you several times a week or more and you don't know why. If you ask why, your mate says s/he’s not mad or that in some way that it’s your fault. Yes NO <BR>2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss the incident that bothers you with your mate, you don’t feel as if the issue has been full resolved, so you don’t feel happy and relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you’ve “kissed and made up.” (Your mate says, “You’re just trying to start and argument!” or in some other way expresses a refusal to discuss the situation.) Yes NO <BR>3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by your mate's responses because you can't get your mate to understand your intentions. Yes NO <BR>4. You are upset not so much about concrete issues—how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vaction, etc.—as about the communication in the relationship: what your mate thinks was said vs. what you said and heard. Yes NO <BR>5. You sometimes wonder, "Why do I feel so bad." Yes NO <BR>6 Your mate rarely, if ever, seems to want to share thoughts or plans with you. <BR>-----------<BR>If you answered two or more questions with a yes, you may be in a verbally abusive relationship. Evans interviewed a lot of women as she did her research, and it was not uncommon for women to know something was wrong, but not quite sure what. Abusers live in a different reality, and their reality thrives on having some kind of "power over" another person. That person would be you. In my case, it took 13 years for me to figure out what was going on in my marriage. H would tell me things were my fault, and I believed him. Now I know different. I accept responsibility for my (plentiful) contributions to the problems, but I didn't realize I was lugging around a lot stuff that wasn't mine. My counsellor has said many times that passive control is a very powerful form of control. It's hard to explain. My H is an expert at it. <P>You mentioned that his change in behavior was abrupt. Was it only his behavior that changed around that time? Was something happening with you that increased your autonomy, your independence, your social activities? Just hazarding a guess here, but I'm wondering if some sort of change might have resulted in him escalating his bad behavior at the time of the assault?<P>Bumperii, you sound like you've had some good training in issues of domestic violence and abuse. I would agree that abuse is a process and that symptoms for wdid were brewing, and that they are "rebrewing" as we speak. <P>wdid, does your H have a place to go? How are you going to tell him to leave? Do you think he will? Do you have a safety plan that includes having a place for you to go in an emergency?

Lonesome heart thank you so much, <BR>You ask what caused the abrupt change. Nov 99 my husband gradmother was ran over and kiled in parking lot of her church, march 2000 ny brother, who he was very close to was killed in motorcycle accident, my H was out of town and didnt come home, in June his mother left her 3rd H for her first 1 in a very bad soap opera like way. The final straw wa my husband being out of work in dec during christmas. He never let on that any of this was bothering him. Even when i tried to talk about it he swore he was ok. he never acted upset and nevr treated me or my daughter badly in any way shape form or fashion. In february this yr he began to withdraw but it wasnt bad until april. he finally broke down adn cried about feeling guilty cause he told his grandmother he couldnt go to church with her that day. Guilt cause he was so upset about my brother that he couldnt go to the funeral so he wouldnt come home to be there for me. he was deeply injured that his mother has disowned him and most of his family took her side. he had nothing to do with her affair & divorce he got blamed for telling secret cause he was out of town and made an easy scape goat. after that the verbal abuse began followed 3 weeks later by him choking me. I spent the night at my moms and said he better not be ther when i got home. he took a job out of town & we seperated for almost 3 months. he left willingly and sent most of his paycheck home. he saw a dr got on medicine and went to one therapy session. He was very loving and tryed to make it up to me while he was gone. he discontinued therapy within a few weeks. He came home a month ago and has acted like king of the castle ever since. verbal abuse, ordering the house be kept perfect, dinner be cooked every single night, slave driver to me and my daughter. i work fulltime i shouldbe be 100% responsible for house work, cooking and parenting. For 7 years he was grwat help when he was home. he admited that he stopped takin his medicine about a week before he decided to come home.<P>You also ask about my emergency plan. I have 2 places i can go but both are 40 miles away & i would only give up my home to go there in a true emergency. My intention is to wait til I have enough money to cover him not giving me any money for a couple months and the attorney fee and then kick him out. He has until that time to agree to go back to therapy and take the medicine, if he hasnt by the time i have the money saved i move ahead with divorce. Not another seperation. I dont want to be stuck in an endless cycle. If i knew for sure it was only that he had a break down of some sort and he was willing to get help i'd stay, but i continue to plead with him and he wont. I have told him I wont go on like this forever i will leave if it gets too bad. If I have to leave to make him see he has to get help then its too late. <P>Thanks for the advise and support. Please keep us in your prayers until we can get out of here.<BR>

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