Hi Pantha,<P>Well, I have been told that I sound stronger, or just strong...but really I don't feel it. I feel a mix between anger frustration, resignation, depression and fear. I cycle through these all the time.<P>Today's update, well YD had a nice time, she was so cute, kept asking me to tell her how old she was now, just couldn't seem to remember. She got calls from the family and felt really special all day. Thankfully she never asked where her daddy was.<P>H called her, first he said he was calling to find out what happened on the weekend and to wish D a happy birthday. I asked him what he would like to do first, he said the kids.<P>Fine, they had a chat, and then we had a talk about the financial agreements his dad and I came up with. I made a point of telling him that his dad was upset by all of this, and he sounded genuinely sad that this was the case.<P>Then he tried to make small talk...what have I been doing, etc. For some reason today I just could not be bothered to talk to him, so I just said not much, no car makes it hard, but I will be getting one soon. He said, oh good, things are moving forward then. Well, sorry if I see them moving backwards. <P>Anyway I asked him how he was...pause...okay, how are you doing.....pause okay.<P>Well the last time I spoke to him he was not saying much, and this time I wasn't. I just did not have it in me. I think it threw him because I always try to make conversation. He started off sounding almost cheerful, but at the end there was definite hesitation in his tone, he didn't know how to take me, and I just didn't care. <P>One good thing, I didn't LB, anything that sprung to mind to say was shot down....eg he asked me how was my weekend, what did I do. I told him a friend came to visit, etc. Then the thought went through my head "And I suppose I am not allowed to ask YOU what you did, am I?" but I didn't say it, where the old me would have...I just didn't even ask him what he did. So I suppose the concepts here are sinking in. But I am miserable anyway...<P>I wish LH would respond right now, I need advice on the letter thing.<P>

I think that a WS likes having us ask what they are doing etc. ie showing interest. Why do I say this? Because I also used to try to make conversation. But now I don't. I really don't want to know and that way can't torture myself with the details. Well remember when I said in my post H said he is going fishing. It was blurted out by him. I didn't ask why he is not coming - I couldn't care. He seemed to want me to know. I also keep the details of my life on a need to know basis. The conference that took place was at Sun City, I told him I am going on a course nothing more. When he called my home while I was away my brother told him in a sort of matter of fact way that I am staying at Sun City in a 4/5 star hotel. This must have got to him. I was this good little wife to him always available for him, never going away for a night no matter what. Well my point is... let him wonder about you... imagination is a wonderful thing... He has not earned the right to know about your life right now.

That is SOOOOO right! But I didn't do it for that, i just didn't care to speak to him...I just felt so tired.<P>Probably cos it's D's birthday...you don't have kids Pantha, but when it's your child's birthday, you ALWAYS recall the DAY they were born....oh so sweet. <P>I had caesars, the third was under a general. I woke to see my H sitting beside me holding a pink bundle...such love in his eyes. It wasn't that long ago that he could look at me that way!!!<P>So, brings back a lot of memories. And these just wore me out before he even called.

Nina <P>I never thought of that. Wow must be an amazing experience. I hope that some day I will have the good fortune of having a loving H and children. When we got back together we decided if we'd worked things out by June we would start trying for a family.??? I wonder if that is what sparked him to mess things up again? I really wanted his child when we got back together but had to make sure he didn't have HIV. So now that has been really been put on hold - children. <P>Enjoy your children for the wonderful blessings that they are. They will always be your children and you will always share that bond with your H no matter where your life takes you. <P>I guess you are in bed by now as I think you are 6 hours ahead of SA? Well I hope tomorrow you will not be as exhausted.<P>Pantha