CJ I have only a few hundred posts to go before I catch up to you!!!!<P>Weel, what the heck, I need it and I don't care.<P>Actually Anna and I have talked to each other quite a few times, but so far it hasn't developed into a mega thread - maybe one day.<P>(((((((((((((((((((HUGS TO GOODGUY))))))))))))))))<P>Sorry for this little deviation on your thread.

Just to let you know, I made an appointment with dr. harley for Wednesday morning. We'll see what he has to say.

Hi GG,<P>Hope he helps you. Pity it's really not an option for me.

Dear GG,<P>I am so happy you did. I know he can't make your wife stay away next weekend but I think he can help a lot with some of what you are going through. <P>A suggestion that if you have key issues or points to make to him, you should briefly write these down to remind you so when you get off the phone you won't think "Dang I really wanted to ask him this."<P>I hope you come back on Wednesday and let us know how it went.<P>Goodluck.<P>ANNA<BR>

Also GG,<P>I expect you to post something you did special for yourself on my thread. No excuses.<P>ANNA<BR>

Anna,<P>Please explain? <P>I expect you to post something you did special for yourself on my thread. No excuses.<P><BR>Something special I did for myself? On your thread? I;m new here what is your thread?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goodguy:<BR><B>Anna,<P>Please explain? <P>I expect you to post something you did special for yourself on my thread. No excuses.<P><BR>Something special I did for myself? On your thread? I;m new here what is your thread?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GOODGUY,<P>whoopsie sorry about not explaining further. Here's the posting I was talking about. I just want everyone to do something special for themselves and then come back and post it.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/004444.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/004444.html</A> <P>Love,<P>ANNA

AGG - do you have any support through this nonsense? Have you talked to Steve Harley or are you in counselling? You have my prayers; this is a d*** poor way to treat someone.<P> If you are not in therapy would you consider it? I think your situation is sufficiently tough to require some help for YOU. To help keep your self-esteem, strategies for coping,survival, etc. I think this situation is beyond family and friends.<P> I would also recommend Harriet Lerner's book "The Dance Of Connection". She is great. I have it on tape as well, and replay parts I need repeated in her soothing voice.<P> There needs to be a bottom line position; one that says "I will not accept this". Your wife is not showing you a minimum of respect. Plan a is not about accepting nonsense; it's about demonstrating change. Bieng reeeaaly nice and accepting anything will not make them love you again. Demonstrate change and work on you. Work on you!<P> Dan<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 17, 2001).]

She just called to tell me she PROBABLY won't be back tonight. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't think I can take another night being alone. Good thing is I see my therapist tomorrow and Dr. Harley Wednesday morning!!! How can she be so ******** cold and have no remorse to what she is doing to me? This is the third week in a row she has not shown up to work on Monday I think she WANTS to get fired. SHe is selfdestructing right in front of me and there is nothing I can do about it. <P>Thanks all just need to vent.

Good guy,<P>I am so sorry to hear that. Is she coming back Monday or not at all?<P>ANNA<BR>

Sounds like she will be coming back Tuesday morning.

GG,<P>Every time she leaves has to be so incredibly painful for you. I may be totally out of line here, but when you said she wasn't coming back on Monday. I thought well good! If she is just going to come and go and hurt you, it's best she just goes and stays gone. She's tormenting you. <P>Well, I just hate seeing you go through this, but maybe Dr. Harley will have some suggestions.<P>Take care,<BR>ANNA<P>

Anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle her when she calls tonight to say she won't be home until tomorrow?<P><BR>

Can I turn that question around?<P>Goodguy, what would you like to tell her when she calls?<P>ANNA<P>

Well to be honest I always play it cool with the PlanA thing. You know happy and chipper just interupted me doing something I like to do. Blah, blah, blah. I usually let her know in a very sincere way that she is greatly missed. But try to keep it positive not trying to sound needy. But oh I want so bad to let her know how much pain I"m in. How much I long for her to be here with me. To beg her to stop doing this to us. I've been really good about being upbeat and planAing my [censored] of when we are around so she really has the idea that I'm handling this wonderfully. But god the moment she walks out the door I'm a basketcase. Part of me makes me wonder if she knew how bad I'm taking this she may reconsider. I've only had one conversation, or really a boohooing festival, to let her know how bad this hurts. I kept it only about us admitting my share of the responsibility and just crying and crying and crying. She has never seen me cry before this. Her response: cold and defensive.<BR>Sorry, kind of rambled. <BR>I'm really considering if she does this again next weekend just packing up everything of hers and putting it in storage. Its kind of an empowering thought but I'm going to wait to talk to my conselor and Dr. Harvey.<P>Anna does that make ANY sense?

GG,<BR>Yes, it makes a lot of sense! Well, I think if you did tell her how you feel, my opinion, it would make her just get resentful and feel more like she has an excuse to leave you.<P>Hmmm, well if you have an answering machine, as hard as it would be, I think I would just let the answering machine pick up and take a message. You won't have to talk to her and she may wonder where you are. If she continues to call, I just wouldn't answer. I know how badly you will want to talk to her but I think that would be how I would handle it. Maybe others will respond with different answers.<BR>I hope so...<P>ANNA<P><BR>

Goodguy,<P>What time does she usually call? Late or early? <P>The reason I'm asking is have you done your assignment. 30 minutes of something special just for you? If you haven't. how about take a long walk during the time she calls. I think you can use generating a few endorphins right now.<BR>Anna<BR>

Hey, GoodGuy, how's it going? I hear you're having a rough day. I concur with Anna Banana that you should do something for yourself for a change, so I'll ask you, what do you like to do? If you were happy and alone and had some spare time, what do you enjoy doing--whether someone likes doing it with you or not? <P>Here's my secret, and it's silly, but it works for me. I like grape juice and cream soda--sometimes a cream soda float with the EXPENSIVE vanilla ice cream. Of course, everything in your little town is expensive, huh? Well, if you want to live with the celebs, you gotta pay (haha). Wave at William Shatner if you see him, okay? <P>My point here is that doing something special for yourself does not have to be something big. It can be as small as always having loved cream soda, and now you can drink it and enjoy every "sinfully delicious" drop. Know what I mean? Do one small thing just for you. Write a poem. Look at the moon (although the skies over Colorado tonight are pretty cloudy--sometimes the moon illuminates the clouds from behind). Eat a yellow delicious apple...slowly. Take one small minute and pamper yourself. <P>The oher thing I would remind you is that Plan A is not Plan Doormat. You do not need to be her humble servant just to get her love. I know you love her, so don't get me wrong, but she needs to value YOU just as you value her. Look what a Good Guy (no pun intended) you are just coming here because you want to save your marriage! You deserve respect and dignity too. So be the loving, thoughtful, kind and generous man that you are, but be that way because YOU ARE THAT WAY--not because you are under her thumb. Can you tell the difference? YOU ARE, by your very being, sensitive and thoughtful--just BE that way. YOU ARE the man you are, and at one time the man you ARE won her love and filled her love bank. So, don't let her treat you disrespectfully--stand up for yourself and do what is in your best interests. But, in many ways, right now, it IS in your best interests to repair your marriage--even though it's hard. <P>Well, come back and talk if you need to. }{{{{GoodGuy}}}}{ That's a Wild West hug.<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks Anna and Faithfulwife,<P>I did exactly what you said before you even said. Actually I went back and read your thread about doing something for your self. Well CJ, you may know it I went to the Hot SPrings pool here in Glenwood. It was incredible. The sun just went down. It was a little cool and there were only about a dozen people in the whole pool. I just floated there for about an hour looking up at the sky darkening and the clouds floating by. I just got back and took a really long shower. I feel pretty melow actually. Only one thing. She didn't call. Who knows at this moment though I'm relaxed enough I might just go to bed. Thanks all for the hugs. They are really needed and appreciated more than you will ever know. I really didn't think I was going to make it through last night but you guys got me through. Thank you. One day I will return the favor. <P>Goodnight.

GoodGuy,<P>I'm sorry to hear about your suffering. My situation is different because there is no physical affair. My W's OM is in europe and can't get here - it's an email and phone thing. $800 phone bill last month. Ouch!<P>Anyway, I recommend that you read James Dobson's book "Love must be tough". There is a thread with comments about it somewhere around here. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html</A> <P>You don't have to let you W walk all over you. In order for her to love you, she must respect you, and she won't respect you unless you set some limits - some things you won't accept. I told my W that if she every meets OM again (she only met him once) she should assume that she will never see me again. She misinterpreted this as a suicide threat, but I set her straight on that. Unfortunately, since we have a baby, I would have to withdraw that - I mean, I fully intend to be a father even if I'm not a husband.<P>I stopped calling her for awhile - and made myself hard to find sometimes. Also, I quit my job. Suddenly, she was calling me - and just dropping in so I could see the baby (she moved out in May). Anyway, now we are at the point where she agrees to move back in if I get some renovations done on the house. It's an improvement, but we're a long way from where I want to be. She still contacts OM. Today, she said - in light of the phone bill - that she won't call him again. I'm not holding my breath about that.<P>Back to you... It WILL get better. I know it will. Others will tell you the same. Believe it!<P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 17, 2001).]