<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goodguy:<BR><B>Thanks Anna and Faithfulwife,<P>I did exactly what you said before you even said. Actually I went back and read your thread about doing something for your self. Well CJ, you may know it I went to the Hot SPrings pool here in Glenwood. It was incredible. The sun just went down. It was a little cool and there were only about a dozen people in the whole pool. I just floated there for about an hour looking up at the sky darkening and the clouds floating by. I just got back and took a really long shower. I feel pretty melow actually. Only one thing. She didn't call. Who knows at this moment though I'm relaxed enough I might just go to bed. Thanks all for the hugs. They are really needed and appreciated more than you will ever know. I really didn't think I was going to make it through last night but you guys got me through. Thank you. One day I will return the favor. <P>Goodnight.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Goodguy,<BR>WOW!!! I wondered yesterday if my post helped anyone. I have to smile this morning knowing that I contributed in a small way to you doing something special for yourself. BTW, I hope you got some sleep last night.<P>As my marriage ends, although it really has little directly to do with his drinking as he hasn't drank in years, I have brought back a lot of the things I learned from Al-anon. When I see the people in here dealing with WS, I think of how much the practices of Al-anon could help them. For instance, if you were to use the things I learned, here's how you could help with dealing with the problems you are having in your marriage.<P>In Al-anon we are taught we can not control the actions of our spouse. We can only control our own actions. However, sometimes our actions can eventually rub off on them. They can see what we have and want it. <P>Instead of alcohol, think of the addiction as the OM/W:<P>Letting your spouse see you are feeling sorry for yourself, while it might bring on guilt, the wrongful spouse can't handle this guilt and will turn it into anger towards you, in their eyes you are making them feel guilty and this makes them mad at you. In their eyes, you are being selfish and thinking of you, not them. They will hate that you are feeling sorry for yourself.<P>Being pulled into arguments with your spouse. The addictive spouse wants to argue with you, because this just helps justify their cause. Instead, when they try to pull you into arguments, no matter how unfair, be patient, be kind and be humble. Communicate but never argue back. It is much harder for them to justify what they are doing if they can't blame you. BTW, they know what buttons to push and will push all of these, they know what things will make you feel you must defend yourself, so you must be strong not be drawn into this.<P>Persons with addictive spouses must learn this. We have no power or control over our addictive spouses. We must instead put their addiction in God's hands and tell God this problem is not in our control, therefore we are giving this problem to him. (know that you will slip and try to take the problem back from God, sometimes right after you give it to him. I'd find myself giving him the problem then afterwards saying "now what am I going to do?")<P>Next step is to take care of ourselves, put ourselves and our healing first. Knowing that we can not control them, but we can what we choose to do. Make yourself a better person, see the things you are doing wrong, not just with your spouse with others in your life and then change these things in you. <P>Even though your spouse is not an alcoholic, treat it is an addiction, follow Al-anons 12 step program, which was adopted from Alcoholics Anoymous 12 step program. Just subsitute alcohol for infidelity. You can find this on <A HREF="http://www.al-anon.org/12steps.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.al-anon.org/12steps.html</A> <P>Also, as stated before, to me a very important part of this program was doing something special for yourself every day for at least 30 minutes. You did this and WHAT A RESULT YOU GOT BACK! I am going to be a pest and ask you constantly what thing you did today. Even if you do the same thing for yourself every day. BTW, my favorite thing to do is lap swim.<P>I'd like to just add that as I changed through Al-anon, my husband noticed immediately my changes. Maybe some won't notice as quickly, but he did. He wanted the calm and the peace that I had found. Also, not arguing with him made such a huge difference. Addictive spouses want excuses for their behavior and I took his excuse for drinking away. Although GG, I do have a feeling your wife's excuse isn't that you arguing, it may be something like EN's, which I'm sure is a lot of WS's reasons. You are starting to fill her pitcher back up. Just remember, it may take a lot more than a few months to undo what was done over a period of many, many years.<P>Of course, too, continuing with your counseling and the information the Harley's gives here, as you know, is so important. <P>I am going to post this on my "do something special thread".<P>Take care,<P>ANNA

Hi all I just thought I would give an update to what is going on. WS is here but not in spirit. Since she's been back she has really asked alot of questions about how I'm dealing with all of this. I can't really tell her the truth and go along with the plan a thing. I tell her I'm doing okay and if anything I've learned alot about what it really takes to make a marriage work. I've had my priorties set straight from this and let her know that there is no greater gift than that of love from a woman and that gift should be cherished and adored. (One of her reasons for this happening is that I took her for granted). That seemed to really take her off guard. I had been saying that there are changes happening in me and for once I think she believes it.<P>I met with Dr. Harley this morning and I highly recommend talking to him if you can. Charge it on WS credit card if you have too. Um, just kidding, kind of. Anyways, he was really supportive and gave me some good ideas on how to handle her leaving and her planning on getting OM to help her move out when I'm not here. Let's just say that is NOT going to happen. That s.o.b. is not going to ever set foot in my house especially if I have to live here after she is gone. Anyways, one bad thing is DH said my case is a rough one. One, because of the immediacy that she wants to get this over with. Two, there are no kids and we have only been married 8 months. (We dated 6 years). Third because Colorado is a no-fault state. Which means getting the divorce legalized is REALLY easy. If anyone knows ways of prolonging the process please let me know. He reminded me that this fog means that every decision she is making right now is soley based on emotions. Either way she goes she's only looking at it through the eyes of emotion. That's why its hard for her to believe that we would be different if we worked it out and that is why constant pursuit of Plan A is still so important even after she is gone. One day that fog is going to lift and I need to make sure that she understands what I am now and what I can offer. DH is very encourging of this and it gave me a little hope to keep doing it. I was to the point where I wasn't going to take anymore bs and I think it was a test by WS. <P>One more thing, he suggested that if her family which she values greatly supports her decision that it is much easier on her. Her Mom is totally on my side and doesn't want to see this happen. I know OM has contacted both her Mom and sister trying to gain a little acceptance. Her sister (and I don't know why in the hell she would do this) said she's okay with it and welcomes Eve's decision as her own and won't have any negative feelings towards OM. SO, I know I can't trust her. Her Mom on the other hand thought the guy sounded like a loon and not so bright upstairs. I'm really close with WS Mom. My question is should I approach WS Mom and ask her to continue (she already has) to say WS is making a mistake and realize what she is giving up?<P>I know this is a long one but I wanted to kind of let everyone know what was going on and what DH had to say.

Goodguy,<P>I am so glad you didn't think you wasted your money. To be honest I was worried, since I was so insistent that you call. Wheww!!!<P>Well, first, you may want to keep written note of all his suggestions.<P>Second, I am glad you aren't going to let that SOB in your house. That would make it so much harder for you afterwards. You are right. No way would I let him in either. <P>Third, on your question regarding MIL. No, I would not approach her. Your spouse is going to feel like you turned her own mother against her. I'd let that one go.<P>I'm glad things are looking a little better. At least you have more answers.<P>Lastly, what cool thing did you do today just for you? hehehe<P>I'm glad you are keeping us informed.<P>ANNA