I came home from work monday night in a good mood and when I ask my husband of eight years what was wrong he said he wants a divorce and he dont love me any thing more but a mother to his children. <BR>I love this man with every thing I have and ever will be and it is killing me that he wants a divorce and says nothing will change his mind. he wont talk to me or anyone else about it and I dont know what to do I want to grow old with this man and my kids as a family.

Helpme,<BR>I'm sorry your so sad. I too am going through hard times. A few questions though.<BR>Was there any warning at all? Problems? Did you think your marriage was happy? By your post I can't really tell anything.<BR>Like your situation , my husband walked out, said he didn't love me anymore and was unwilling to discuss anything. His mind was made up. So if you tell me a little more maybe I can help you at least get through this hard part. Not that ALL of it isn't hard, and not that I'm saying I have all the answers but I do know some of the pitfalls to avoid. Been there, done that. Obviously you need to talk and I've found this to be a good outlet. If your not sure of what your doing just ask here and someone while read your post and encourage you or tell you your heading in the wrong direction-but suggest an alternative. Sometimes I yhink we're all lost and just having someone (strangers really) thats knows your hurting, angry, hopeless really helps you deal with those problems so you can go forward with wallowing. And that's what I think we all want, to go forward, to fix whats broken and if it's truely not fixable to keep those feet faced forward-walk on- even if occasionally you trip or even fall, there's a very good reason to get up, dust yourself off and slog on. At the end of this journey is either a whole new happiness, in marriage (God willing) or maybe without your chosen partner, but by the time you get there you will have grown enough to make that marriage work or be well on your way to being able to make it on your own. I know you don't want to hear that someday you will find someone else to love. But it's true. That someone may very well be your own husband, but the facts are that the marriage that existed before will have to be different, therefore new- so look at it that way. Look at it like you are new,this love is new, your not sure he feels the way you do.... See what I mean?<BR>OK I'll sign off now. Please answer and don't give up<BR> MLC

MLC,<BR> Thank you for your reply, and to awnser your questions, I had no idea we had not even had an argument in at least 6 months,I cane home from work and was going to ask if he thought we could have a nother baby, seen he was troubled and ask what was wrong and he said he wanted a divorce. Like you I am dieing inside I love this man with everything I am or ever will be I dont know how to go on. I am 4000 miles from my mom and dad and the man who means everything in my world says he don't love me.I hurt so bad lastnight after I submitted my first post I went upstairs and held my kids for a while wrote every one I love a note and took a lot of pills to end it, but I am lucky I didnt succed my kids mean to much for me to leave like that I just had a bad hangover today. and trust me I know STUPID!!!!!!! but I was in so much pain he wont even come see the kids becose he dont want to see me.<BR> I did cheet on him six years ago and he said we had moved on from that.<BR>everyone is in shok about it our family and friends my boss everyone ,they say you cant fake the way we looked at each other,and even monday when I called him from work when we said good bye he said he loved me and would see me when I got home.<BR> This is just pulling me apart my kids can tell something is wrong but think daddy is at work,they think the sun rises and sets in daddys hands and I dont want to see them hurt over this like I am. <P>any thing you you can tell me cant hurt he says his mind is made up.<P>if you need to talk I am here too, we might as well go through this thing togher.<P>Thank you,<BR> helpme<p>[This message has been edited by helpme (edited July 18, 1999).]

Helpme,<BR>First.... Please don't do anything like that!!!!!!!!! My first reaction when reading your post was. OH **** (oops) CALL 991!!!<BR>I too have been in your shoes. Todays situation is a litle different for me. My kids are now grown and the it's tougher now because of the mistakes I made 12 years ago.<BR>First I'll tell you: I know your dieing inside. It's a horrible empty feeling. Desperate and soooo needy. You ask for help, but you know in your heart nobody, not your family, not your kids, not even people that have been there can help you. The only thing that can make this horrible ugly thing go away is for him to come back. <BR>From experience I'll tell you this, DO NOT BEG!!!!!! I'm serious here. You may get the thing you desire most, but things will forever change. FOREVER!!! When you BEG you give up your soul. That sounds melodramatic, doesn't it? But thats the only way I can describe it. You see, I did beg. I even tried (To my everlasting shame) suicide. Nobody knows about it accept my husband and the people on the board but it still embarrasses me.<BR>In the few moments (and I know there are a few) when you can think rationally and really look at your own reactions, look at the why's, the reasons for the "end it all"<BR>Is one of them spite? I know you hurt dreadfully but if you really look close, Is it spite? Just a little. You know, "I'll show him. He'll miss me when I'm gone. He'll be sorry he hurt me like this."<BR>That was me. It took me 12 years to figure that out.<BR>I know this is hard to beleive but this stage WILL pass. It doesn't seem possible that you can have control again. Control of anything. But truely you can. Only you can control your own behavior. Having trouble sleeping? Can't eat? Cry all the time? One of the walking wounded? Are your kids tiptoeing around you because they KNOW something is wrong but have no idea why Mommy is like this. Do you walk around, through your life like a puppet, someone is controlling everything? How you act, how you feel, EVERYTHING????? Twelve years ago that desperation took me to disgrace myself and fold up all my dignity and drop to my knees and beg him. I kid you not! I actually was on my knees. <BR>That bandaid (BEGGING) lasted 12 long torturous years. We are now resolving things that should have been resolved then. But, this time when I got to the point your at right now or soon to be at, I didn't BEG. Not that, in all honesty I didn't want to .<BR>I tried hunting him down, several times. I was fully prepared to do ANYTHING to make the pain go away. Fortunatly I didn't find him. Then I found something wonderful. I prayed. No kidding, now I'm NOT religous in anyway. I beleive in God and all that and have like most people, prayed on occasion. You know the prayers. Please God let me win. Please God keep them safe. Please God BLAH BLAH. This time it just shot out of my mouth at a moment when I beleived (Truely) there was no hope for me surviving this. I've never before been so close to total shutdown and hope I never go there again.<BR>Someday I'll tell you about that prayer. (Scary stuff there) . But the point is, It really helped. It changed my life. Ever hear the saying "Be careful what you wish for?"<BR>There is hope here.<BR>Your kids need you. YOU need to be strong.<BR>I don't mean neccesarily strong for them, although you do. But strong for you. You'll be absolutely amazed at how much better you feel about yourself when you start trying to make you better first. If you can make you better, then the kids will follow.<BR>This is getting long winded here.<BR>One more thing. Have you heard of "Divorcebusting"? If not there's a board like this where I post all the time. And you really need to get Michelle's book. It's called "Divorebusting". Honest it will help you.<BR>If you want to go to the other board just type under address "divorcebusting" one word. It will take you to the site and go to Michelle's forums. Look for me under MOLLY.<BR>Oh and a really good start to the new you would be a new name. Helpme sounds so needy . Pick a name you've always secretly wished your parents had thought of. LOL.<BR>See you on Michelle's board. But will check here too.<BR>Take care off yourself and write me back. There's always someone here to listen. Remember that. Your really not as alone as you feel. Strangers we may all be but this kind of pain unites us all Female/male and sometimes this board really does help. You start out with every intension of only writing a few lines and then you blather on and on and on and on............ <BR>MOLLY<BR>P.S.<BR>If you change your name Let me know so I can find you. <P>

helpme and MLC:<P>Helpme, I feel terribly for you. Your letter could have been written by me. My H is in counseling with me but he doesn't see it as a reconciliation tool but as a means of absolving his guilt for doing this (so i can "get the answers I need"). <P>I too have had suicidal thoughts. Many days I feel like I am losing my mind. I finally went to the Dr for anti depressants. They helped - a lot but not enough...I am going to have them rechecked, maybe changed. If you aren't on any, I would suggest it.<P>MLC: thank you for you response. I have a **long** post under infidelity "Please Help..." if you want to know my story. I am blue, blue, blue today. Today is my borthday and haveing problems at work. I need to get a grip because today is last ditch effort not to be in big trouble at the job - nho pressure there, huh? I had a good day yesterday because of all the support I got here...this is a great source of comfort.<P>Helpme...please, deep breath, when you feel paniced, try to distract yourself...sing, recite the alphabet, dust something, exercise. I love Tae Bo (lthough I am in terrible shape) because of the punching. Guess who the imaginary target is? Well, not always...sometimes I lump Satan in there too...I figure he plays a role in this somehow!<P>Let me know how you are, both of you.

Get the book Divorce Busting <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671797255/qid%3D932112541/002-5739515-2573834" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671797255/qid%3D932112541/002-5739515-2573834</A> <BR>A very good book dealing with how to handle things when someone wants a divorce.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Angela C<BR>Sorry your having a really bad day. I too went through one of those days (My 25th anniversary, 8 days after he filed and had me served.) Not a good day there.<BR>I don't know if I can help you here, I hope so. I know this board has helped me.<BR>Beleive it or not. I'm the type of person who never answers e-mail. I'm telling you I have let 250 messages build up. BAD BAD!!!<BR>Since I found this site and Michelle's, I go online and check for messages several times a day. Still don't check my e-mail though. LOL<BR>Well I do check for notification of postings here.<BR>Is this board addicting or what? <BR>Some of my enjoyment of going here is my husbands attitude about computers and all these new fangled gadgets. They absolutely terrify the man. I have no worries what so ever about him ever reading these posts. The one and only time he ever tried to get online, he was trying to find porn. Guys at work told him there was pretty explisite pictures so he tried to find them. FUNNY!!!<BR>I came home and found he had opened so many windows on my computer that he had exceeded the capacity. LOL Never did get the peep show though. I'm telling you the man is undone by an answering machine. <BR>Try to smile and put all this sucky stuff out of your head just for awhile. Work is important. My work has been real supportive but I've been trying real hard to not bring it to work too much. Everybody gets sick of weepy whiney women, I even get sick of myself, so I found if I try real hard I can have that one place where I can forget (WELL, not really forget) but tone it down some. You'll drive yourself nuts constantly thinking about it. Onward Ladies---We're tough---There are many fish in the sea (Nobody warned us the ones we picked were full of bones and that one day we'd want to fillet the little buggers)Was that encouraging? Sounds like alot of blather to me. But it made me smile. These days I need all the smiles I can get. ARMOR, don't you know!Write back I'll check this site later. I have to go do something right now so I'll sign off and read your story when I come back.<BR> Take care of you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Here's a Hug (I think){{{{{{{{{{{Angela C.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Later Birthday Girl MOLLY <P>

MLC, thank you for your thoughts and I'll visit the site, and think of a new name.<BR>You know I wish I could be mad at him, maybe that would help me alittle but I dont know.<BR>I dont think that what I tryed to do was out of spite I just wanted to stop all feeling and like I told him in the letter I wrote him "It was the only choice I had to not die slowly" <P>Angela C,<BR>I wish my H would go to counsling with or without me, but I think he is afraid it would change his mind. I just cant beleave after all of it he can look me in the eye and say I dont love you! Those four words may as well have been a knife he threw at my heart I'm not eating sleeping and tomorrow is my birthday of all things. (wow happy birthday to me huh.)I want him back so bad I even thought of living in the house with him and him not loving me, but that wouldnt be any good for anyone well I need to go to work so I'm gonna sign off<P>thanks everyone<BR>helpme

MLC, thank you for your thoughts and I'll visit the site, and think of a new name.<BR>You know I wish I could be mad at him, maybe that would help me alittle but I dont know.<BR>I dont think that what I tryed to do was out of spite I just wanted to stop all feeling and like I told him in the letter I wrote him "It was the only choice I had to not die slowly" <P>Angela C,<BR>I wish my H would go to counsling with or without me, but I think he is afraid it would change his mind. I just cant beleave after all of it he can look me in the eye and say I dont love you! Those four words may as well have been a knife he threw at my heart I'm not eating sleeping and tomorrow is my birthday of all things. (wow happy birthday to me huh.)I want him back so bad I even thought of living in the house with him and him not loving me, but that wouldnt be any good for anyone well I need to go to work so I'm gonna sign off<P>thanks everyone<BR>helpme

Thanks Chris<BR>I already have DB, your right it's great.<BR>Thanks for caring. I'm doing a 180 right now. Going pretty good. I'm still in there batting. (Lots of fouls-No strikes yet.) and he already walked. (Not funny That!) Guess it's just one of those Bummer days.<BR>MOLLY

HelpMe:<P>Well, yet another thing we have in common, since my B-day is today. Happy Birthday to you!!!! I am not being entirely successful but I am trying not to think of the missing piece (HIM) today and just enjoy it for what it is - "my day". Be kind to yourself tomorrow.<P>Molly - you're a trip! I'll credit you with coaxing my first smile of the day! Thanks much.<P>Keep inspirations coming...I am fighting big time today.

Helpme,<BR>This is Molly again. I wish so much something could make you smile. I swear to you, it really really does get better.<BR>You will have your days but it will get easier, honest!!! I know your feeling desperate and paniced right now. It feels like your whole world is blown apart and the bum is still lobbing those handgrenades over his shoulder while telling you you need to get on with your life. Ya right!! I'll pick up this broken, bleeding mess you left behind and go fetch me a MAN!! I'll cry about you, dear, on his shoulder and have a great time. YUCK!!! I know it seems like nothing will ever ever be right again but honestly it will. One day soon you'll got a hold on this grief and fight, I don't neccessarily mean get mad. I mean make things different for you. Make the changes you need to. We all have them (changes I mean) to make. Look back (Just a little) pick something. (something doable alone) Don't pick sex, psst.. If you do pick sex don't tell me I blush easy. . Pick something to concentrate on. Did you fight about money? Did you fight about Kids? Did you not see his needs? Did he not see yours? See there's something. FIX it! You'll be amazed how much time is occupied with making yourself better. If your anything like me there's a whole list of things (THEIR ALL LITTLE I TELL YA) that I have begun work on. I try not to look back a whole lot. It makes me sad and I cry. And if you think about it He didn't fall in love with the crying needy you. So show him your made of sterner stuff.<BR>Your going to catch those cute little grenades he tosses and (PRETEND) to lob them right back. But throw them in the trash put them out of your mind. He probably doesn't mean half of what he says anyway. So thats all the less you'll have to hold a grudge over when you two are happy ever after <BR>You mentioned earlier about those horrible words "I don't love you anymore" They hurt, they hurt like hell. But there only words and right now words can't hurt you. The pain and damage have already been done, don't let more be piled on top. My husband said to me "I don't love you anymore, HONEY!" Now what's up with that? HONEY????? I think he's trying to make me crazy. Won't work!!<BR>I WILL someday write in this Forum that everything is bright and shiney in my world.<BR>Beleive that, Anything is possible. It ain't over until it's over, until you have given it your all. so stand and fight girl. You are the only one who can make you feel better. There's always someone to talk to here. If your lonely or sad or just want to shoot the breeze come on back.<BR>About not sleeping or eating. The sleep part kind of took care of itself. The body said "OOOKay, So you don't want to go to sleep? Think again. Sleeping at work!" I sleep now with the tv running all night. I miss him most at night and that king sized bed is soo big now. Sh*t, now I'm going to cry. ............. OK I'm back, Anyway it's not so lonely with the tv on. And besides he'd hate me wasting electricity. Hey, we do have to have some fun!<BR>The not eating part, I do hope you could stand to lose a few pounds like me. That parts been great 30 pounds since June 9. Now this part I like. Are you like that? OR ARE YOU ONE of those woman I hate. You know what I mean. THOSE Woman!!! She didn't even lie on her drivers license. Are you? HUH? If so I'll forgive this once. but try to eat. It doesn't take much so keep you healthy. Those kids need you to keep up your strength. Remind yourself to eat everyday, even if you have no appetite. Do it for you and for your kids. You can't fution properly emotionally either if your starved, unless of course your one of them, THEY always fuction properly <BR>Really take care of yourself. Hang in there. Here's a Birthday hug early {{{{{{{{{{{ ***** (don't like that name)}}}}}}}}}}}} You know, you better pick a name quick or I'll take over (I'm controlling he says) and pick one for you. And I know you won't like my choice . Let's see, HUM...Alganon? Alowishous? Boobie? Are you thinking here?<BR>Smile I'll be back later. MOLLY<P>P.S. Don't give up honey, It's hell and I know it. Please be good to yourself and try hard to get through this. Cry, Blow, Cry more, Feel better? NOW That's good<BR>

HelpMe: It's official now (well, in my time zone atleast!) HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!!!!!<P>Have a peaceful day.

Thanks for the b-day greetings everyone!!!!!<BR>molly, I think you did it I think I simled a bit you are a big help. and trust me I'm trying to think of a new name maybe LMS that is me any way I am going out today giong to take the kids to see Tarzan and out to dinner.<BR>Oh bye the way I used to be one of "THOSE" got married with a 29 inch waist and then the real world of motherhood hit me and I gained 85 lbs so I aint waistin away here no worries about that!<BR>got to go now be back soon

What about changing that name?<BR>Glad to hear you were smiling. Me too!<BR>I hope you had a good time at Tarzan and out to dinner. TARZAN? Good grief girl, TARZAN!<BR>Now Mel Gibson, That I can see. Hmmmm. But maybe then again it ain't dignified to drull in front of your kids. <BR>I wrote to Angela on her thread but haven't heard back yet. <BR>Sounds like your feeling a little better. Hope so.<BR>I'm going now but will write again later.<BR>MOLLY

well next time I come here I'll be LMS no more help me

just wanted to say hi with my new me.<BR>Better Molly?

LMS<BR>Much better! I don't know about you but I hate feeling so damn needy. Hope your having a good day. I can't talk long but I'll write again tonight.<BR>MOLLY

molly,<BR>I know what you mean. And as for the day its been hard, my H's dad called to see if I was ok and to see what if anything he could do to talk some sence into that boy's head, I hope it works. I know its a long shot but I'm still in the I'll do anything to save this stage. Know what I mean?<BR>well I need to go tuck my babies into bed I'll write again later.<BR>LMS<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

HELLO! My first time here, reading all this sounds too familiar...I wish I had a H like AngelaC's to go to counseling to "help me understand" He has tried talking to me, but only ends up saying things like "I don't love you....not sure if I ever did" Why do I keep going back for more hurt? I know he's not hurting at all....says he is, because of a "crushing in his heart" but I think it's only guilt....<BR>Any thoughts????<BR><P>------------------<BR>