<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by So Very Confused:
<strong>
Bangarra,
Somehow, through all of his nonsence, I have continued to believe in myself. Is my self-confidence and self-esteem what it used to be? Of course not. Funny thing: my H told me that his mother said I am not acting like myself right now. I think I'm acting like myself for the first time in years. I'm finally taking a stand for myself and my son. And it surprises me how hard it was to do that - but the day I called the women's shelter was a big step. The day I called the police because H said he was coming to the house, and I didn't know what he was going to do (he tore up stuff - walls, waterbed, my clothes, my cell phone, etc. - in the house the weekend he moved out) was an even bigger step. That was the day I felt like I was regaining control of my own life. But it sure was hard. My son has suffered most in the area of neglect by his father - very little in the emotional side. But I also don't think he will forget the small amount of emotional abuse he did receive. Of course, H will say he never mentally abused his son - or me, for that matter. And it's hard to admit you've been a doormat, but once you do, it does help you move on.<p>Nyneve,
I'll check out Notable Posts/Threads. And I do know what you mean - who wants to admit they've "allowed" themself to be a victim? It's still hard for me to admit it. I was trying so hard to be the perfect wife (and mother) for so long that I began to believe that it was just my "cross to bear."<p>So Very Confused</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Wow, this is my life in a nutshell. How did you finally confront him? What did he say? Did he say that your son wouldn't want this? DId he say he was going to kill himself? Did he say that is you were going to leave than why did you get married and have a child in the first place? I tried to leave my husband before and he used all of these tactics. He's emotionally abusive and I feel like crap everyday. It feels good that I'm not alone.

Jellybean,<p>Two years ago, I told H I didn't love him anymore. We tried counseling, and he made minor, temporary changes, but nothing lasted.<p>This spring everything hit the fan. From January - April, H came home 3 times - the rest of the time he spent the night at his office. Once he started spending some time at home again, he was verbally abusive night after night - telling me he wanted a divorce, but he didn't want to "file." He didn't want to look like the "bad guy." He even told me once that he would make my life so miserable that I would have no choice but to file. <p>I finally decided to give him what he wanted (and what I wanted too)- a divorce. You would have thought I had just announced such out of the blue. He went berserk. Yes, he said he was going to kill himself (and I have had a suicide in my family, and he knew I couldn't deal with another one - nobody knows how bad it is unless they've lived through it - words can't explain it). He said he'd kill himself before the police got here if I called them.<p>He found out that I had been on his computer at his office, and found the porn, and that's how I finally "confronted" him. Told him I couldn't deal with it anymore. That happened over the phone. That evening he called me and literally screamed at me for 30 minutes and then another call of 10 minutes or more. I was asked later why I listened to it. Simple: I was afraid he'd kill himself if I hung up on him. Then, although he had told friends he wasn't coming home, he did. Thankfully, I had sent our son to a friend's house for the night - just in case. H came home and threw the coffee table over the sofa, destroyed my cell phone, and continued to threaten to kill himself. I finally called friends who came over and tried to calm him down, and I went home with them. My son and I spent the weekend with them. Over the course of that weekend, H destroyed some of my clothes, and put a hole in our waterbed (where I slept - he slept on the sofa when he was home).<p>That's the summary in a nutshell.<p>And anytime I now say something about trying to keep our son's life somewhat normal, he makes a comment about not getting divorced. <p>It's like I made the decision. I guess I did, because now he wants to work on things and I don't. I cannot put myself through that again. I was emotionally abused for 15 years - it's time to get on with my life. It's not easy. I worry about finances, and my son, and the future of my son and me.<p>And on Wednesday, H said he wants the divorce now. And my lawyer is now working on a separation agreement that I know he won't agree to. It's going to be a long, drawn-out thing, and it's going to be costly. Suddenly, H wants to spend all this time with son, and I don't want to give him too much - I've agreed to 5 nights every two weeks - more than generous according to my lawyer.<p>And although I was emotionally abused and used for 15 years, it still amazes me how much hate H has for me - although he says he loves me. <p>I know I'm rambling a bit. Wednesday H called and told me he had talked to one of my co-workers that he knows. The guy, when he realized that I was the ex-wife (as H put it), told H that I was pretty. H replied with "lot of good it does me now." And then H had to tell me that he resisted the urge to say, "yeah, she's pretty on the outside." Obviously a comment designed to hurt me. Will it never end?<p>Jellybean, I'm heading out of town for two days to attend a friend's wedding, but I'd really like to talk to you more. I don't know your story, but it sounds like we've been through a lot of the same stuff. You are not alone, although I know that it feels like you are. In fact, driving home from work today, that's how I felt - alone. I have friends and family who support me, but the feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming at times. I'll check this thread again when I get in Sunday night (midnight Eastern time). Hope to hear from you again.<p>So Very Confused

My H uses death as a "threat" of sorts. He never threatens to harm himself. But he is depressed, talks about a dark future, no future, a dead mind (not every day, just on days when I try to resolve an issue he prefers to ignore). It happened again on Sunday. He said he would be dead by his birthday (next week). I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he didn't mean anything. I said, "this is not the first time you've talked about your own death. I can't tell if you're threatening suicide, or if you're dropping emotional bombs on me. Next time it happens, I'll call 911, and it will be a professional who decides." <p>When I talked to my marriage counsellor last time about separation, she asked what things I worry about. I told her that H tends to become suddenly ill, which means he needs me to take care of him, or he'll have a "premonition" about death in the very near future, which puts a guilt trip on me. I tend to think that my H is manipulating me with his tactics, holding me hostage in an emotional sense. OTOH, threats of suicide should be taken seriously. She told me the appropriate response to a suicide threat is to call 911. I didn't call 911 on Sunday, but it crossed my mind. I decided to let him know that his tactics will no longer manipulate me, and I WILL call 911 if he ever talks about his own near-future death again. <p>so very, you asked in your original post on this thread, how to deal with the mental abuse he continues to dish out. You'll have to make your own decisions, but for me, I decided to remove it from my life. Not all at once, but piece by piece. And I had to decide if I would be willing to remove H from my life along with his behavior if that proved to be the only way to remove the abuse. And my answer is yes, I am willing to remove my H from my life if he refuses to change his behavior.

I guess for me, the thing that scares me
the most when they threaten suicide, is
I think of my neighbor, and her sister..<p>Her sister was in an abusive relationship
and actually left..he continued the emotional
abuse using threats of suicide, and because
even though he was abusive "she STILL loved him"
which I think most everyone one here can relate too...well..he called her, I guess he'd had a doctors appt. and asked her to take him..she had
told him to call a cab because she didn't want
to go over there..he started saying he would
kill himself if she didn't take him...so she went
over there to take him..He shot her, then called
911 himself and told them what he did..they got
there right after he shot himself..he didn't die..but she did..leaving three children behind..
He's in jail..and her sister is dead..and last I heard..he had no remorse..my friend three years later still has a hard time with this..<p>So please..if they are threatening suicide..call 911, and give them any and all info that you have..but don't under any circumstances put yourselves in danger..<p>And Please, if they are manipulating, you with your emotions, with these threats..it's NOT LOVE!!! get yourself help so they no longer have that control..