Something I read in "Something More" --Sarah Ban Breathnach. About a married man who fell in love with another woman. It struck a cord with me and I thought I'd share bits and pieces:<P>Man talking to friend--<P>"I can't leave and I can't stay. Every time I get ready to tell my wife, I walk around the house and see the family pictures, my books. I hear her in the kitchen the way I've heard her in the kitchen half my life and I think, What has this woman done to deserve my leaving her after all these years? But there isn't a night while we're lying next to each other in the dark that I don't wish I were asleep in Anne's arms instead. Still, I can't do it--make the move. Not just yet. So I snap at my wife about anything and everything to push her away from me, make her hate me. If she hates me, it would be easier."<P>"Then, I don't call Anne (OW) for days, I don't call because I can't bring myself to tell her that I can't leave, or that it's over between us, because I know it's not. It won't be over between us until our last breath. But I have to do something to regain control, so I push her away. Then, when I see her smile again, I think, How can I walk away from the love of my life? How can I turn my back on my last shot at happiness? I can't, so I ask Anne to give me a little more time, as she has before. But now she says there is no more time. She wants to get on with her life with or without me."<P>"He was deeply in love with Anne and deeply conflicted. Here was a man who wanted to do the right thing. I knew the road ahead for all of them was going to be rocky, at least for a while." <P>"Sometimes I wish they'd both leave me, I"m going insane, he said."<P>"I believed him. I also knew from his breathless angst and red-rimmed eyes, that he'd probably never felt so alive before and never felt so frightened. It was clear to me that he'd leave, sooner or later. The sooner, the kinder. Well, if you can't leave for yourself, leave for your wife, I said."<P>"What do you mean? She'll be devastated, he said."<P>"Yes. And she'll be furious. But there's a strong possibility she'll also be secretly relieved. There's nothing lonelier than being the lesser partner in a loveless merger. Isn't it possible that the truly moral choice, the courageous choice, the good choice is to leave? If we want to be happy, I don't think life asks us to choose between doing what's right and what's wrong. I believe we're always asked to choose between loving and learning. Do you care about your wife at all?"<P>"Of course I do."<P>"Then be generous. Find the courage to leave not just for yourself but for her. She deserves a man who loves her, who wants to hold her in the middle of the night. She deserves to be as happy as you want to be. You left years ago for whatever reason. All you're doing now is shutting the door behind you. And shutting the door to unhappiness is the crucial step we must take before opening the next door to joy."<P><BR>I'm not saying that we should give up on finding happiness with our spouses...just something to think about.<P>Pam<P>

Holly:<P>My comments:<P>Typical, romantic, conflict-avoidance CRAP. <P>How does the story end up? My version...<P>The wife is devestated (not secretely relieved). The husband ends up discovering the fantasy isn't what he wanted. And in a moment of true insanity, he blows his brains out, depriving his children of their father.<P><BR>Most affairs don't end up the way this is portrayed. The confusion for the betrayer is real, but the "happy ending" scenario is not. You have to realize that the unhappiness stems in a large part from your own behaviors, and you're going to be dragging those issues to a new relationship.<P>It's much healthier and more responsible to deal with them, NOW, in the marriage.

Man, I hate reading stuff like that. Feelings re-surface that I don't want to have re-surfacing .... this withdrawal is hard. Just when you think you're on the downhill side of it .....<P>The draw of the fantasy is very very real, Holly/Pam ... what we THOUGHT could be so beautiful .... but the road is much much bumpier if we choose the path with the OM ... I see that very clearly. But it doesn't lessen the feelings that pop up now and then.<P>Hang tough. Let God work in your marriage. He can restore it!

Holly!!!!<BR>Stop reading this romantic drivel!<BR>Really.. that last paragraph is a bit much. How can the OW know what's best for the W?<BR>Your marriage seems loveless right now because you are in love with another M. Things in life are never static and your situation and emotions are going to change with time. Don't break the good things that you've built, but work to make them better.<P>TryingAgain<P>ps do you have children?

Thank you, K ,for saying what I thought(you said it much nicer!)... .My H spent his affair in a romantic haze probably thinking those same things and NO I would never be relieved that he would release me to find someone "that loves me".Devastated is the right word. Lu

I'm not saying I totally agree with the story...it's just a story with not much detail. This man obviously did not work on what was missing in his marriage in the first place.<P>I agree that leaving a marriage without working on the problems that are presented with in the first place is a bad idea. Jumping from relationship to relationship is not the way to deal with problems...they will only present themselves again down the road.<P>However, as naive as this may sound, there might me a time to leave. (Please don't attack me...this is hard for me to write.) It's really difficult to explain in writing and I don't want anyone to take it the wrong way...so I should probably just shut up right now.<P>All I'm trying to say is everyone deserves to be loved completly and honestly by their spouse. That is the utlimate goal for all of us. <P>TryingAgain--<BR>No, I don't have children. I would probably have a much different outlook on things if I did.<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 02, 1999).]

I'm not attacking, Holly. Please try to explain more .... remember I've been right where you are. I understand!

You know, Holly, I've had feelings just like yours. I have 3 kids and thus I have an enormous incentive to stay. If the OM was out of the picture would you still feel like this about your marriage? Did you feel (and be really honest here) like this before you started the affair? I highly recommend a book called Should You Leave by Peter Kramer. The basic premise of the book is that, in the end, it is yourself you live with.<BR>Be strong, Holly. Give yourself an honest try. Break off all contact with the OM, take time to recover, and reevaluate the situation in, say, a year from now. <P>TryingAgain

The decision to leave was the right one for me. I made it clear to my H I still loved him and wanted our marriage to work, but things had reached the point where I was losing my mind. It has been two weeks and I feel like a new woman. The time spent with him is quality time. He is facing reality for the first time. It has bitten him in the butt. He is taking care of himself now by getting therapy and taking meds. Only time will tell if his feelings for me change, but I'll be okay. Not the same, but okay.

Holly:<P>There is a time to leave. But it's not illustrated there. The time to leave is when both parties have done their best at trying to work out issues, using the resources at their disposal, for quite some time. <P>And if one spouse is unwilling, then the time to give up is when there's no love left in the betrayed's "lovebank". But you go through the same process of "learning" about marriage skills and doing your homework on establishing new behaviors.<P>I completely agree with you that everyone deserves love, honesty and respect in a marriage. That's why you MUST "do the work" to learn the skills to estabish that.

Holly:<P>One of the very sad issues for people caught in an affair is that they think that the affair is a "one-in-a-million". It isn't.<P>As TryingAgain says, in the end, you must live with yourself. And having said that, you do the work, you try your best for the marriage.<P>Janie is a great example---she will be OK, regardless. She still has a chance with her husband, even after all she's been through. And if she doesn't reconcile the marriage, I'm highly confident that she will have the opportunity for DOZENS of relationships that could lead to marriage. And she'll be in much better shape to evaluate those relationships.<P>Cut off the affair. Do the work to attempt to reconcile the marriage. Learn the skills. These will help you, regardless of the outcome of the marriage. But the outcome is often positive!

TryingAgain--<P>Honestly, I did feel this way before the affair...however it didn't bother me that much. But, I never had thoughts of leaving my h. I thought that what I was feeling was normal (which is true in some ways), so I accepted it. <P>I often daydreamed about other men and just went on with my life. I was happy with other things in my marriage, like my security and companionship. I decided after the affair that I wanted more out of my marriage. My husband had become more of a best friend than a lover.<P>The OM is out of the picture physically but not mentally. I'm not giving up on my marriage yet...but like Maya said, sometimes hearing stories like the one I posted makes you digress (sp?) a bit.

You had thoughts like this before the affair but didn't consider them issues large enough to leave the marriage for. That tells me that these issues are things you can work on and improve. Before the affair, the need to work on them didn't seem so great but now they are. I have to tell you that security and companionship are biggies. Imagine a relationship without the security. It's one of those foundation blocks in a good relationship. You will likely not have it with your OM. Your situation sounds very similar to mine! And my thoughts wander too, more often than I would like. A song, some words.. lots of triggers. But I am resolved not to act on them. <BR> <BR>TryingAgain

The feelings in this story are well-done, the advice he's given is crap.<P>The story says a moral choice does not include right and wrong? The definition of moral is: pertaining to right conduct. <P>The semantics of the story don't even make sense. <P>Is breaking a vow to chase happiness (which is uncertain at best) "right conduct"?

Holly/Pam,<P>Hey!! You know I've been here too... and the one thing I can say is gonna sound like a repeat from K - STOP reading this kind of thing. I've put aside the "Bridges of Madison Co", and "I was Amelia Airheart" for just these reasons. Funny, before the affair I was reading stuff that always centered around these kinds of romantic feelings. The person I had an affair with even looked like the romantic soul mate in "I was Amelia Airheart"!! Now, I'm grabbing for the most innane silly mysteries or self-help books to put my life back together. Not everything I read says to stay in the marriage, but instead to work on myself so that I can be happy no matter what happens. I'm not trying to say that you are SUPPOSE to stay married: only you and your H know that. What I am saying is that you are hurting yourself reading things like this. It was beautifully written, and true of my feelings as well, but it only causes pain on top of pain on top of pain. I'm suggesting you go out and buy some books that will help you, or at least not harm you. <P>I am not being judgemental, remember I understand where you are. I am hurting for you. Plus, my marriage is no bed of roses right now. There are good days, and bad. I am beginning to think that the infidelity isn't the reason for the suffering any longer. There were problems before, just like your marriage. If things don't work out, it won't be for lack of trying. You need to feel that way too!! <P>Big hugs, and please don't be angry with me. I want to help and be here for you!

New beginning--<BR>I actually thought about renting Bridges of Madison County...not a good idea, huh? It sounds like I enjoy torturing myself.<P>You're right though...it does hurt reading stuff like this!<P>TryingAgain--<BR>I know what you mean about songs triggering thoughts...I've actually stopped listening the the radio station I normally listen to...to0 many memories.

Repeat after me: NO BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY!! No Horse Whisperer! No Shirley Valentine!! No movies or books that center around anything emotional. I'm not kidding! Go rent something funny, and silly, and stupid. Something that will make you laugh. Or rent an exercise tape, or a documentary on Italy, or The Sound of Music. ANYthing that won't make you cry and miss the OM. Life is too fragile for you right now. You need to be uplifted, not dragged down! Hey, we ALL do, right??<P>

No, DON'T rent "Bridges" .... it romantizes infidelity ... you end up rooting FOR the betrayers to get together. It sucks.<P>I saw it a year before my affair and bawled like a baby, because I wanted to feel that with someone .... and now I realize I want it to be my H.<P>Please don't rent it .... it will depress the CRAP out of you.

Thanks guys...it's great to have support, especially when I'm acting like an as*!<P>By the way...I think Hummingbird could use some good advice. I'm not sure I can offer her the best advice right now!<P>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 02, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 02, 1999).]

Shoot, I can't watch ANY romantic movie and not have it make me feel crappy! Fercrinoutloud, THE WEDDING SINGER made me depressed. <P>As for reading, I've always been a big science fiction fan, and infidelity or romantic love stories aren't the normal plot line there, so I'm safe! whew!<P>Maya, n_b -- get on Hummingbird's thread and help that poor girl out!<P>--andy