Welcome to the D/D forum. Let me be the first of many to say we're sorry you have to be here, but we're glad you found us, because what you find here, both in the forum and especially elsewhere on the site, will help you through this dark, dark, time. You are not alone.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>After being with my wife for 8.5 years she has finally come out and told me that she cares for me and loves me but she isn't in love with me.<hr></blockquote>
"I love you but I'm not in love with you" almost always means your spouse is having an affair, either physical or emotional. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but if it's true, it's better that you know. Read all the Q&A columns on infidelity. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So now I have to decide what to do. Do I let her go? Do I keep on fighting? Do I let her live on her own for awhile? <hr></blockquote><p>You will have to let her go; there is no way to keep her by your side if she doesn't want to be there. But that doesn't mean giving up; if you want the marriage to continue, you'll have to make her want it and value it again. It will mean changing what you're doing- for example, if you're pleading with her to stay, stop, it's not working (and it never will). <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>She doesn't want to do counseling with me because she says she was trying to fight that feeling she has for over 3 months and it didn't work. So at this point she view's counseling as something that won't work. <hr></blockquote><p>In which case, there is little point to counseling. My wife and I did counseling and a retreat, neither of which brought us back together, because she was only looking at them as ways to ease the (in her mind inevitable) split. You have to both want the marriage to work in order to work on it.<p>I love the "fighting for three months." Three whole months! Wow! My wife said something similar to me- "I've been working at this (i.e., improving our marriage) for so long now- almost a year..." Of course, in that whole time, she never told me she was unhappy and thinking of leaving, so she was working at it alone. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Also do I keep on hoping or at this point should I not hope no more about the relationship working out? I still truly care and still am in love with her...<hr></blockquote><p>Something wise my therapist said to me: you can hope for reconcilliation- but don't let it be your only hope. You'll hear and read this over and over: work on yourself. Make yourself the best person you can be, not for her, but for you. If you have children, concentrate on their well-being, and your health (physical and mental), and don't obsess over your wife's problems. Let go.
