My husband claims he wants space and a chance to be on his own for a while. So reluctantly, I moved out of the house two months ago. Since then, he seems to be coping well, but I am falling apart. It's difficult just to make through the day. Last week he talked of dissolution. I feel so rushed and don't want a divorce. We have so much together. He says there is no one else and I didn't do anything wrong. He just wants to be alone. I want to save our marriage now!! What can I do and how do I start? We went to counseling before, but the counselor was an idiot! He seemed to encourage our separation. I want to go to someone who will help us build our marriage and bring it back together. My problem is, I don't know if he'll go again since the first sessions didn't help. Help, somebody!!<BR>Stacey

Hi again Stacey, I am the one that answered your comments in the "Gym" matter.<P>I just went through 2-1/2 years (and more!) of trying to keep my marriage together. Unfortunately, if the other side does not wish to try with no holds barred, it will be very, very difficult; especially for the side that really wants it to work out.<P>Tell me how to send you that article as it may help though it is more about how to handle those feelings you go through as you break up. It still will help you though. Maybe you have webmail of some sort so you don't have to give me your email (I'm OK but I understand anyone being reserved as there are quite a few weirdo's out there in cyber-world).<P>Otherwise, I can try to help you from my experiences. Let me know...but the bottom line is that you both must be willing. Any other way will not work and you'll end up being the one most hurt after trying by yourself.<P>I wish you all the best.

I'm kind of with Traveler. If your husband doesn't want to work on the marriage, you are better off letting him go. If you think you might want him back, than leave the door open. Tell him how much you love him, how you wish it wasn't this way, but that you understand he has to do what's right for him. Then let him know if he changes his mind or wants to talk, at least for now you'll be there for him.<P>After that go get a good counselor who can help you put your life back together and rebuild. The best thing to do in any event is to try to get on with your life. If he doesn't come back, at least you didn't waste 3 years wishing he would and not doing anything for you. If he does want to come back, nothing will make that more apparent to him than the fact that you are doing ok and you are moving on with life. He will also understand that he probably can't wait forever because some other nice guy is going to snap you up and he'll be done like dinner. (Don't mention that to him. But it is the truth and he knows it.) As long as he thinks you are going to wait around for him he'll take his own sweet time.<P>Now is the time in your life to look at yourself. Any self-growth you have been putting off? Maybe you want to take a course or go back to school? Go sky-diving? Learn to drive race cars? Whatever it is go and do it. <P>This all sounds terribly optimistic. But believe me, I know way to well that there just isn't any point trying to work on a relationship that only one person wants. You may as well be working on your relationship with Brad Pitt, for all the response you will get. I know this both from my own experience, and because I have many friends who all went through the same thing. (The story, from my point of view, is that our wives all got together every Thursday night and decided they probably weren't as happy as they could be. Then they decided we, each for our own reason, were probably responsible. Then they discovered that there were other men around who would chase them. I figure they had some sort of oath going because every single one of them did it and not one of them blew the whistle. Anyway, back to the story.) We all beat our heads senseless trying to save our relationships once it was too late. Counselors, promises, begging, whatever. None of it worked because number one the wives were lying the whole way and number two they didn't want to be there anymore.<P>I don't know if your husband is lying to you or not. But what ever it is that is going on, it's not your fault. That is the hardest part to come to terms with. It just is not your fault. He is the one who has things to work out. If you let him go, the best will work out (one way or another). If you try and get him to stay against his wishes, he will grow defensive and abusive. He will even burn bridges that later he may wish he didn't, but it'll be too late.<P>

Hey Nonplused, I agree with you again. You elaborated real well on exactly what I was trying to get across. The hardest part is trying to help someone through some of those absolutely indescribable moments you have to go through. <P>The Wives thing really hits home! How many of us have gone through that deceiving travesty...tough stuff until you're out of it and thren things are so clear!<P>Good Luck to You.

I know you are both right and moving on is the best thing. Last night I went to see my H and try to talk him into going to see a counselor. He flat turned me down and said he was happy with his new life on his own. He just wants to sign the dissolution papers and get it over with. I asked him a lot of questions last night and every answer was negative. He hasn't even called to see if I'm alive or dead in two months. I just can't understand how he can go from being with me every day for 5 years to not even speaking to me. I'm already a part of his forgotten past. That is so hurtful. It will take me a very long time to get past this and move on. I don't know if I'll ever trust another man. He has ruined a lot of future relationships for me. The worst thing is, he doesn't care. He's just happy going to girlie bars and drinking every night with friends. I loved him with every ounce of energy I had. And he's throwing it all away. I just hope I can find a man that will love me for who I am and accept the love I can give with open arms, instead of denying it. This is like a bad nightmare that will reoccur every night for a long time. Life just keeps punching you in the gut until you are forced to give up. I just don't understand...

Been there, felt like that, know what it's like. For me, it never really started to get better until I "got out there", re-established old relationships, pick up some pass times, met some people, and got my own place. (And car and furniture. I left with nothing but clothes.) Now I feel much better, but I'm not all the way there yet.

Stacey, I know what you're going through because I went through the exact same thing. In my case though, after my wife's revelation I stuck it out for 5 additional years trying to keep us together and trying to understand what happened in her mind. This is one of the hardest things to accept, when you have a partner that changes drastically and the communication from them is almost none or none. It makes it very difficult on you and the tendency is to feel bad about yourself wondering in a million ways just what you did wrong.<P>It's very unfair and no one deserves this kind of treatment. I agree with "nonplused" about getting out and slowly coming back. It won't be easy Stacey but if you are ready for the emotional highs and lows that will come your way, it will be easier. This is why I was suggesting the article "Crazy Time – The Aftermath of Divorce". It identifies the phases you are and will go through. It made me feel much better and I've read it many, many times. Again, let me know if you want me to send it to you.<P>Don't have any doubts about another relationship and your capacity to love another man. There are still many good men out there that will accept your love and love you back unconditionally. Just use this as a painful lesson in life, which will help you avoid making the same mistake again. His reaction to you doesn't show that he cares and he really won't tell you why, which is not nice to do to someone with which you have made a long-term commitment. Clarity might still hurt but at least you know what you're dealing with.<P>Hang in there Stacey and stay close to people that want to help you through these times.<P><BR>

Things are a little better today. My H and I had a long talk and I think I've finally decided within myself that we are not meant to be together. We both have different futures ahead of us...I want children, he doesn't...he wants independence and time alone, I need to establish my independence. We will always remain friends because there have never been ill feelings toward one another. We never even fought before the break-up. We tried very hard to understand each other and our individual needs, but just could not break down those walls. I know there is someone else out there that will have the same goals as me and have more in common, but right now, my independence is more important. I want to establish myself and feel like I can stand on my own two feet before I seek someone else to lean on.<P>Stacey

Great news and I'm very glad to see you being so assertive. If you have any moments where you feel weak and falling back into the same rut, it's perfectly normal and just keep plowing ahead. By you finding yourself everything else will be easier to deal with as long as you maintain a balance and don't go to extremes. It also gives you the time to make sure of your feelings and hopefully reinforce the direction you have taken. Just be careful and make sure that the time you are taking to find yourself is not just another buffer allowing him to come around. This is a site to somehow keep marriages alive but I must give you my true opinion as I have above. <P>