Read up on Plan A. Talk to him by all means. Just keep the conversation light. Don't talk about the relationship - just have the relationship. Give the relationship talk a break for awhile if it makes you both upset. Try to find out what his Emotional Needs are (you can probably guess what they are after reading the section) - see web site or get His Needs/Her Needs, and try to meet them. If he needs admiration, then boost his confidence when you talk. If he likes conversation, then talk about what he likes to talk about. When you see him, look your best and be the self-confident person you are with everyone else. Don't do any LB's - angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements etc. when you talk to him. Keep your cool. Remember - this takes TIME. Weeks, maybe months or even years. Pace yourself. Work on one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Work on yourself to make yourself a better person and just realize this takes time. Your XH will say many things, and then say the opposite the next day. Don't over analyze each conversation, take the entire day/ week as a whole. Since the problem didn't arise overnight then it won't be fixed overnight either. It's like you're still dating. Would you want to talk/date someone who was always weepy and insecure? Probably not. It sounds like a game, but that's why you need to read about Plan A and then work on yourself. K

winchet,
You are in the desperate mode and you're not seeing things clearly. He will see you are different because you are not talking to him. I don't know if there's any hope for your relationship or if rekindling it is even a good idea, but I do know that desperate is never attractive. The best thing you can do for yourself and for any hope of rekindling a relationship with X is to develop a mysterious, happy life of your own. Believe me! he'll know. Read the posts - a self-confident, happy BS becomes strangely alluring. AND it's what' you need to do for yourself - a win/win situation.

HI winchet,
Are you still there? Here is my story (quick version) <p>MARRIED 15 YEARS
Sept 99 W (Wife) left with OM (other man)
July 7th 2000 W divorced me.
July 15th 2000 W married OM.
We talked on the phone about our new Grandson and our children a lot over the next few months. We became friends again. W decided she made a BIG mistake and told me she "Wanted her life back"
May 5th 2001 W divorced OM
October 20th 2001 W and I RE-MARRIED (we waited for our WA)
All is possible with God! I will pray for you all and hope you can reconcile for your son's sake.
If you want more details LMK. READ this board. It was God's leading me here that made the biggest difference. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

okay I guess its really done. HE CHANGED HIS PHONE NUMBER TODAY....he thtreatened to do it...he even told his mom. This definitely means things will never be right between us doesnt it? Now I have no way to get a hold of him about our son if I need to...which is his loss anyway....I am sort of glad because then I CANT call him, but does this mean all hope is lost?

(((Val))),
Get thee to a counselor and FAST! You are going through separation anxiety. Please let him go for now and concentrate on YOU and your emotional health. If you don't, you won't be good to him or any other man in the future. Please listen, because I know from where I speak. My first H had an affair. Six weeks later, he committed suicide. My son was 4 1/2 months old. I was very hurt and confused and my self-esteem was at an all time low. I met my current H about 2 months after my 1st H died. I LATCHED onto him. I felt like no one else would ever want me and I gave him everything for 14 years. Over time I began to resent his always getting things his way. I started becoming angry about it and vocalizing my anger in abusive ways. Well, last February, he looked at me and said "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." He left the next month saying that we needed space, he wanted to start our marriage over, being friends, dating, etc. I was devastated. My devastation went deeper when I found out he really left because he had a new relationship with someone else. My self-esteem was IN THE TOILET!!! I have lost 60 pounds since April. I look great, but still feel as if I'm not good enough to have someone love me for me. My H's A is over as of 10/1 (or so I think), but we are selling our house and separating, leading to a D. I'm only NOW, after 8 months of begging and pleading with my H to want to work on recovering our marriage, beginning to work on ME. Please don't continue on the path that I took. I have SERIOUS self-esteem/worth issues right now. Don't do this to yourself. Get yourself healthy for YOU and your SON. Let your XH GO for now. My prayers are with you. Ask God for the strength to get through this. You are NOT alone!!<p>MOM

first off, seek God and pray daily. secondly, go to restorem.org. it is a website for people in your situation who are hoping to have a restored marriage. order the books and read them daily. my husband filed for divorce about two months ago, i moved out the house and back to my hometown, which is 4 hours away. we've been separted about 5 weeks now, and since i've found restorem.org, i have a renewed sense of my marriage, i really feel there may be hope.<p>do everything the book says, and most importantly pray, pray, pray.<p>may God bless you!

WHAT DO I DO????? I am getting all different kinds of advice and I appreciate it all....I just wish I knew the future....I do realize I need to concentrate on myself and I definitely will have no problems doing that especially since i cant even call him. I don't want anyone else....I know there is no on else for me. I would rather remain alone than not have him. I am not the type of person who just needs someone. I just pray he will come to his senses...I guess theres nothing I can do now as far as he is concerned....should I keep letting his parents see our son as much as I have (more than they should)? I don't want to because thats how my ex will talk to him and I don't think he should have a relationship w/ him through them, but I know that he is probably going to hate me even more....what do I do?????????

You are a divorced woman, it's time to start acting like it. Now, I'm not saying you should go out and look for dates or even forget about your ex, but right -now-(not the past and not the future) you are divorced. Forget trying to woo him back, hunt down his new phone number or scheming ways to get him back in your life. Forget it.
Your ex by his own words has made it pretty clear that your desperate behavior scares him. He changed his number probably due to excessive calls which made him feel guilty(yeah, yeah I know boo-hoo poor baby [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] But hey, we're talking about his angle now) and nothing more. You say yourself that you're desperate. He knows this and he doesn't want to touch it with a ten foot pole.
My advice, back off and fast. He won't forget about you, you have a child together. If there's even the remotest chance of reconcilliation you need to cool it, give him space and let him think. Let him feel your absence and reflect on it. Give the guy a chance to miss you. Because honestly you sound like I did a year ago and probably are doing the same things I did. My ex is gone, long gone and ain't coming back(don't want him back now anyway.) and if you keep pushing him with pleas, calls and desperation yours will take to the hills too.
Relax, back away and just wait and see what happens. He's obviously not compelely over you but if you keep trying to grab on to him for dear life he will be.
I truly hope you'll be okay. I know exactly where you are and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Take care of yourself and your son and give the ex a little time to ruminate without pressure.

so do you think he will feel something by not talking to me for a while? He isn't even going to be able to come home to visit until Jan...so thats at least a month away. I wont try to contact him, but that wont make him just completely move on? How should I be if he does call? Should I just act like I'm fine without him if I still want him back? When he was being really ugly, he said he cant talk to me until I'm over him or like someone else because I'm too crazy....

I don't think you not talking to him or at the very least not seeking him out is what's going to make him move on; he's going to do what he's going to do.
But I do know that for many men if you hold on too tightly they panic and run away. The desperation he senses from you probably makes him feel trapped and that if he were to approach you there would be no escape. It's like when you hold an animal too tightly it struggles to get away but if you're gentle and don't squeeze too tightly they relax. He's scared right now and pushing is just scaring him even more.
If he calls remain calm. Be friendly but not pleading. Laugh at his jokes, reply to his answers but don't give in to the urge to cry and beg. Make him wonder what's going on, make him see you for the strong woman you are for going through this crisis. Give him no choice but to respect you.
I think you should back off; for that reason and also and more importantly for you yourself to gain some distance and perspective. It's very hard to think clearly when you're in the midst of all this, you can't formulate what you want to say or even decide what you want. It's much easier to end up putting your foot in your mouth and becoming overemtional(something else which may make him wary). Step back from the ledge and allow yourself and him to breath. He won't forget about you in such a short amount of time. You can't let your emotions guide you right now. He most likely wants to see a show of strength and independence from you; he almost sounds like he's daring you. Give him that, to hell with him, give yourself that. I know you can do it. *hug* Trust me, you're going to make it through this okay.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: Nduli2 ]</p>

thanks so much...for the first tonight I feel an ounce of confidence!

have you gone to restorem.org? i promise that once you read the testomonies on that sight you will feel encouraged about your situation. and also, draw closer to God, not your husband. As was mentioned before, when you let go and let God, you will see magical things happen.<p>God bless you and your marriage!