<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

ThornedRose<p>Thx for your encouragement. I certaintly don't have all the magical answers.. the Word gives us all kinds of principles in dealing with relationships.. but often times.. we also need to understand the dynamics at play.. before we can implement some of those principles.<p>Glad to hear that you are using your new forms of communication with his FOO.. difficult isn't it?<p>These kinds of behaviors are so enmeshed, and entrenched in the FOO... so when you come in as the outsider, or you change the way YOU do things.. it creates a ripple affect all the way across the family system.... which keeps them a little unsettled.. !<p>It can be fun too.. to change the way we do things.. and watch the outcome-- ohhhhhh the joy of not going with the status quo.. but learning new ways of behaving, and thinking, and communicating-- that requires them to wiggle a little uncomfortably!<p>D

ITheripist,<p>Actually, it's my own FOO I am learning to communicate with on a different level, stbx
didn't like the changes I made in me..so he
moved out..said he didn't need to change, he
doesn't have anything wrong w/ him..<p>Yet, he was emotionally controlling..verbally abusive, I'd classify him as an alcoholic, but hey I'm not a professional..he was so afraid that if I went back to work, to school or even went to church that I'd meet someone else..and the only reason I'd want to do any of those things was so I could leave him..he didn't like my friends nor their spouses..yet, he didn't want to be here to do things w/ me..he wanted me financially dependant and emotionally distant..<p>So when I started healing me..and working on myself..he didn't like the changes. I told him
either he can either find another job where he is working in town and home every night or find someplace else to live..he chose to move out..his choice..I live with it..and have found I am actually happier..

So it looks like he made his choice.. WE often refer to those types of relationships as the 'PUSH-PULL-- You push.. he pulls away, You pull-- he pushes aways.<p>You sound like you have grown alot in dealing with him, and your family-- It is liberating, isn't it.. not to be coereced?<p>Keep up the great thinking.. and hard work..<p>D

Well..I don't have long- but I just wanted to give a brief update...<p>Saturday morning- everything kind of came to a head...his underlying anger with me for the past few weeks, etc....<p>Ha! For a divorcing couple- we had the best talk/yell/cry/laugh ever!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I shared with him the passive aggressiveness information- the advice you all have given me, etc....he broke down and revealed so much to me in just a few minutes!!!!<p>He has literally been living the past 32 years of his life, but never progressing in any relationships (ours, work, church, etc.) past about what he felt like towards his PARENTS and their controlling when he was about 10!!!!!<p>He seemed SO DIFFERENT after our talk- liberated somehow....<p>I also realize too- that I'm NOT A GOOD CANDIDATE to be his therapist [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Obviously- I'm not one- but my closeness to the situation, etc....He told me he is going to start meeting with a counselor again- and share the stuff that I had shared with him...<p>It was good to see him liberated- because honestly? I think he was also able to see some of the real reasons for his behaviours...He even shared some of his expectations with me- something he has NEVER done (he expected me to read his mind)....We also had a self esteem therapy session- hahaha...<p>I made him repeat after me- while referring to HIMSELF- stuff like...<p>"I have many choices", "I am a special man", "I am a good father", "I am adequate and deserve to be loved", "I have strength", "I am sensitive"....<p>etc., etc.....<p>He really struggled with doing it- but as his friend, I am going to help him [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also have MORE pretty exciting news too...<p>I attended church by myself (for like the first time in about 10 months)- and it was WONDERFUL!!!! Talk about fresh spring water washing over my soul!!!!<p>I plan to go back- and tonight- they have a group that is "going thru divorce/transitions" group that meets so I'm going to see what it is all about (hopefully not a big singles brooha!! GROAN)- because I'm definitely in transition and need some friends!!<p>Thank you all for all of your responses and support!! This has been a great weekend for break thrus and the beginning of a friendship between STBX and I!!!<p>Love and prayers to you all!
TLFM

WOW !!!!! Awesome report! I bet you felt like you were beginning to see some "clearing" in the dark forrest, huh? Doesn't make you feel so crazy,either ?<p>I am so thxful he was receptive.. and even more thxful, that you spoke TRUTH into his life! This is critcal. <p>We can talk till the cows come home, but if the person we are talking with "short-circuits" on the receiving end-- what good does it do? <p>He was willing to see how some of his behaviors came to be, and the connection that it has to his past relationships. I think you made some major headway, girl! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )))<p>Even if the divorce goes through, he is now clear, that you are plugged into his behavior, AND what you will/ won't do in your interactions with him !!! <p>Another praise, is that he is willing to go to a Therapist, and explore, an perhaps even make some adjustments in his responses! Thx you Lord--<p>As for your return to church..EXCELLENT! <p>The realtiy is we can not do this apart from the Lord.. no matter how hard we try, or how much we believe that the Lord has let us down- <p>Our lives need that refreshment, and counsel that can only come from HIM. We need give Him His rightful place at the steering wheel of our ships-- b/c only HE can see through the fog, knows the hidden dangers, and is worthy of our TRUST ! <p>I am proud of you.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs,
D