About a year ago my wife quit smoking and has gained about 10 pounds. When I look at her, I am turned off. Since I know she is very sensitive about this subject, I don't feel like I can be honest to her about this. Sometimes I feel like I have unreasonable expectations of her. I can't justify how I feel, but it IS the way I feel.<P>Any suggestions?

skel,<P>Are you glad your wife quit smoking and will likely live a longer healthier life because of this? Did your marriage vows include the clause that you would only love her if she didn't gain weight or get wrinkled. Lord knows you will still want your wife to lust after you when your hair begins to thin and perhaps even you put on a few pounds. If this 10 poinds is going to be a problem for you look out when child bearing and gravity get a hold of her. <P>My wife was rail thin when we married. Now 21 years, and two children later she probably weighs 30 pounds more then our wedding day. Is this a problem for me? No, because I didn't marry her only for her body but for who she is as a person. <P>An old saying is that women marry hoping that their husbands will change and men marry hoping that their wives never will. You had better adjust your expectations if you hope to grow old with this woman.<P>You say your not attracted to her? Here's what you do. Pretend you are stranded on a deserted island and she is the only women you will ever have contact with. She's looking better already I'll bet! The reality is you are on an island with her. That is what you decided you wanted when you vowed to be her husband and lover till death do you part. She is the only woman in the world to you. You need to focus on ALL the reasons you married her and I hope there were a couple beside her looks and nice figure. <P><BR>

Skel,<BR>Is she overweight or just not as skinny as she was? I gained weight when I quit too, because I was too thin to start with -- mainly due to the fact that I was not healthy. But I look a lot better now because I work out and am in the best shape of my life.<BR>Maybe the two of you could work out together. Maybe join a healthy club. Make it a joint thing and not a criticism. Believe me, she probably feels worse about it than you do. We do not want her to get so frustrated she picks up those cigs again!!<BR>

Exactly what Mudder said!!!!!!!

Mudder,<BR>You made some very valid points in your reply to Skel, but I don't know how you make yourself feel something you just don't feel. I am committed to my marriage and committed to my husband, but the feelings are less than zero. I am not remotely thinking of divorce -- or an affair, but it would sure be nice to really feel something without HAVING to pretend. Or maybe my pretend skills are just under-developed.<BR>I don't think what I'm hearing from Skel is "shape up or I'm shipping out," he's just like the rest of us trying to find some measure of joy in this relationship we have committed to.<P>

skel, You have every right to feel like you do. My wife has gained on a few ,alot, of pounds since we've been married and we've had numerous fights about her weight. At first I felt the same way that you do, not wanting to talk to her about it, feeling like I'm being unreasonable. Then I read Dr. Harleys column on the top 10 emotional needs. One of them is physical attraction. It talks about that being a big thing for some men. It specifically talks about "over weight" being a big emotional need for men. My recommendation to you is to talk to your wife about it. She may seem unreasonable about it but if it's 1 of your top emotional needs and in order to make your marriage work, she is going to have to work on her weight.

Guys:<BR>My husband told me before we ever married that it was extremely important to him that I never become overweight. I work very hard keeping fit so I will look the way he likes. I agree with both of you that if this is a need that you have to be met then it should be just as important as affection or financial support. But there is something else he does that helps me alot. He compliments me every single day about how good I look to him -- and those cold mornings when I would really like to just bury myself under the blanket, it gives me the incentive to hit the pavement.<BR>I would still caution you, however, not to demand thinness at the expense of your wives' health. As I said earlier -- I have been thinner but never as in shape as I am now. My husband much prefers my muscle tone to my bones!

Dr. Harley talks about the emotional need of an attractive spouse in the context of all of his other teachings. He also says that weight is not the end all and be all to this. Also included are hair style, style of dress, hygiene...I haven't heard that any of these things have been neglected. 10 pounds is not sloppy fat! My wife has gained at least 30 and she would not be seen as obease by most people. The only thing that bothers me about my wife's weight gain is how unhappy it makes her. When she is expressing her frustration with it I tell her that what she weighs has no bearing on how much I love her. This usually brings a hug and tears of appreciation.<P>Maybe it is easier for me to accept this because I have struggled with weight my whole life. I was heavy when we married. Over the 21 years we have been married I have weighed as little as 190 up to 280 (I'm 6'1" and built like a linebacker). I now weight about the same as when we married (250). I will just guess that skel and garz have never had to struggle with excess weight. To you it seem like such a simple thing. Be sure that it is not. skel you at least sound sensetive enough to realize that it bothers her too.<P>If you have this emotional need remember to communicate it and work together on it using ALL of Dr. Harley's methods. No love busting!! Also you had better check on how well you are meeting her emotional needs!!

I think you should be happy that she quit. Is she overweight now? Why don't you suggest joining a gym? It will be healthier too. I know how hard it is too quit smoking and I think weight gain is a pretty common result. Do you smoke? Did you insist that she quit?

As a woman who gained weight after I married, I probably am more touchy than most about this subject. Fortunately my husband did not make an issue of my weight but supported me in efforts each time I attempted to slim down. For all the trouble we have gone though, I am truly grateful that who I am is more important to him than what the scale reads...<P>That said, to any man who finds the scale SO much of a factor that they are demanding and disrespectful - I trust the good Lord has given you a full head of hair and no predisposition to a 'prosperity' gut. Further, I hope your wife doesn't find a nice firm fanny a must....if so, I believe they have underwear that will fluff up a flat fanny. <P>I often wonder - for those who find appearance so important that 10 pounds is worth complaining about - what happens if your wife were in a car accident and her face was permanently disfigured? Would that affect your love? Or ladies - if he lost an arm to cancer or a leg to diabetes - would that affect your love? <P>When I was little I said I could never love a disabled person. I thought it would be embarassing to be seen with someone who wasn't perfect. [Did I think that being seen with a perfect person gave me stature and someone being imperfect took something away from me? Who knows] Fortunately I matured and learned that no one has to be perfect to be loved. I have a very dear friend who is disabled - my life is enriched because of her.<P>Perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect whatever does not, in my eyes, make a person beautiful - it is what is inside.<P>Thank you Lord for giving me a husband who doesn't berate me for not being the perfect sized woman. Now if we could work on some of the other things..... <P>

To all that replied, thanks very much. To clarify things, of course I'm glad my wife quit smoking. I'm very confused about my own sexuality. I know I SHOULD be able to see through a few pounds, and I feel terrible that I'm even writing this message. And, yes, my wife does feel bad about gaining the weight. I'm NOT mad at my wife for gaining weight. I know it's not her fault. I'm definitely not perfect (my hair IS thining!) <P>My biggest question is this: Is there some method I can use to "feel" more attracted?<P>I often wonder what I would do if the tables were turned and she wasn't attracted to me because my hair is thining. I would feel hurt. This is why I haven't been honest and up front with her about this. I keep thinking there's something wrong with ME for feeling the way I do.<P>Here's a few more questions that maybe the ladies can answer.<P>1. Would you want your husband to be honest and tell you?<P>2. How hard is it to loose 10 pounds?<P>Thanks to all of you.

I would want my husband to be honest and tell me if he had a legitimate complaint. But as another poster said, 10 pounds is not "sloppy fat"! 10 pounds probably don't even register on most people. <P>If I were you, I would question why the 10 pounds make that much of a difference to me. It's not like it's 50 or 100 pounds. No one else probably even notices.<P>It depends on the person as to how easy it is to lose 10 pounds. If she's trying to lose because of the way you feel, it very well may be difficult. I think I would be pretty resentful over being told/asked to lose a mere 10 pounds. It's not like she's obese, or her health is in danger, is it? <P>Bailey

Ten pounds is much harder to lose than 20 or thirty. And the first 5 of those will be easier to lose than the second five. I quit smoking 10 years ago, and I put on 30 pounds. I still have not lost the last 5 or 10 pounds from that. You may have to accept that she never will either.<P>Although I have been following this thread, I have 'avoided' posting a reply to you to this point because while I appreciate that you are not happy about feeling like this, I find it extremely disappointing that you do. I know that physical attractiveness is very important to some people, but ten lousy pounds? Is she not the same beautiful person inside? As Mudder pointed out, she will not stay young and beautiful forever. No matter how thin or fit she might remain, she will still get wrinkles, droops, etc. And inside, despite her wrinkles and droops, she will still be your lovely wife.<P>I don't know if this is possible, but try shifting your focus way from her weight as far as feeling attracted to her. Concentrate on the softness of her skin, her hair, the curve of her back, her leg, etc. Look at her eyes, her lips, anything but these extra ten pounds (which I agree, on most people hardly show). Concentrate on how it feels when she touches you. Like I said, I don't know if it's possible...but physical attractiveness isn't solely a function of breasts and waists and behinds. Try to find other beautiful things about her to be attracted to.<P>Good luck. I know this isn't easy for you. And I know that Dr. Harley recommends total honesty in a marriage, but rather than telling her, try doing what CC14 suggested, and encouraging her to exercise with you...try taking over some of the cooking, and preparing some low-fat meals (although the exercise will make a bigger difference than the food). Trust me, she knows she's put on weight. Telling her it makes her unattractive to you will only hurt her, and likely hurt your sex life even further. All she will be able to think about when you touch her is...oh no, he thinks I'm fat! Hardly conducive to a satisfying relationship.<P>Good luck to you. I know how hard this must be to deal with.

Your questions are hard to answer. The reason why is because I speak from experiance. I lost 15lbs from stress(I was 130lbs). Along with my weight loss I lost some size in my breasts. I asked my H why he avoids my breasts when having sex and he said that "they are too small and lost volume"...His honesty has made me more insecure. I thought I looked sexy with my new slimmer figure but I now have a hard time focusing on being sexy because of his "honesty". <P>I know my H didnt mean to hurt me, but by saying what he did affected our sex life. Nobody wants to feel like they have "flaws" when they are getting naked! My H has been complimenting other parts of me alot lately like..."your hair looks nice, or you have sexy legs, or your [censored] looks great in those pants"...all of these compliments are helping me feel sexy again. They help alot!<P>I agree with the other posts...indirectly talk about eating healthier or going for a walk after dinner. Make it a team effort to be fit. My H and I are fitness buffs and It is important to keep ourselves healthy. We do it togather. Dont tell her she needs to lose weight...tell her you want to become healthier and have more energy and ask her if she would like to join you! <P>I wish I had a better answer about what method you could use to feel more attracted...I wonder if my H will ever be attracted to my breasts again(only implants would help)...but he is attracted to other parts of me(including my mind)and his compliments help "alot"...I hope the best for you. Let us know how you are doing.... <BR>

Most of the ladies seem to agree that making it a team effort would be the way to go -- and so do I. I, personally, do not feel weight gain is comparable to disfigurement due to accident or illness. Those things cannot be helped. If my husband was disabled and could no longer work I would love him and support us both -- whatever it took. But if he just decided he didn't want to work anymore I would not be very forgiving. I guess it boils down to the fact that he should care enough to do all he is capable of doing for me. What is beyond his control is different.<BR>The main thing is that I feel so much better about me when I am in shape. I have more energy, more confidence and feel much, much sexier. As for amount of weight -- ten pounds makes a pretty big difference on me -- but it doesn't on everybody.<BR>I agree that ten is harder than twenty and five is definitely harder than ten.

TEN lousy pounds? That's nothing, really. Are you sure you don't have other reasons you're not attracted to her? Look deeper.

Thanks again to all who replied.<P>This is really confusing. Kind of like I thought, I can't be honest without making things worse. I have suggested that we go for walks, etc., and she never wants to, so the weight gain is not that important to her.<P>The most confusing part is "trying" to feel turned on. It's like "trying" to like liver. <BR>I don't like it.<P>What I AM going to try (because I'm committed to making this marriage work)is breaking a habit I've had for many years, which is looking at women naked in magazines, videos, strip clubs, etc. I guess you would call this an addiction because I keep doing it even though I don't want to, and feel ashamed that I do it. Maybe my wife (who I love dearly) will start looking better, and I will gain a better sense of reality verses fantasy.<P>After all I've heard in my life about "men's" magazines exploiting women, I have come to the conclusion that these magazines (and strip clubs, videos, etc.) hurt men just as much as women. We are victims because at early ages we are exposed to this, and we develop a hunger for what is not realistic. I take responsibility for this, but I don't feel like I'm totaly to blame.<P>Thanks.

Skel,<BR>I can relate to the way you feel -- it is the reason I posted on this site. I am not able to force myself to have these feelings either, but I do not know why. And it may not necessarily be the weight with your wife -- that may be just what you zeroed in on. You are trying to find a reason, just like I am. And just like I am, judging from your last reply, you are looking at yourself as well as the possible problem. The main thing is I want to fix it, but I just don't know what to do.<BR>I also think you are right to try not looking at the sex/nudity stuff. It is the same concept as drinking, gambling -- and every problem in the world. Some of us are totally unaffected and some of us become slaves. I have given up something I thought my be contributing to my problem -- but so far it hasn't helped. But I'm not giving up.

CC14, thanks for your reply. You seem to really understand me.<P>To be totally honest though, I think that this problem is what it is. I think that no matter how ridiculous it may sound, my wife needs to loose about 10 pounds in order for me to be physically attracted to her. I don't know why, nor do I care.<P>Since this probably won't happen any time soon, I have no idea what to do.<P>Thanks for your reply - take care.

Skel,<BR>If it is that important to you I definitely think you should talk to her about it. To be tactful -- you might try this. On this site and in his book, Dr. Harley lists 10 emotional needs we have and asks the husband to list his five priority and the wife to list hers. Appearance is one. If meeting each others emotional needs was a topic, and she was free to express what need of hers was not being met, I think it would make it easier for her to accept. Let her know that nothing will change your love for her, and you are so proud that she stopped smoking -- but tell her you miss the excitement of seeing her trim body. Ask her if she is happy with your appearance (be prepared to take the heat if she isn't!)<BR>I know you have been blasted by several women on this subject, the consensus being that ten pounds does not make anyone grotesque. True, it doesn't. But ten pounds for me is the difference between turning heads when I walk down the street and being ignored. There seems to be one problem we all have in common. If it is not OUR EMOTIONAL NEED we discount its importance. I know I don't do everything right in my marriage, but I have known from the beginning that appearance was of critical importance to my husband. I can't expect him to happily fulfill my emotional needs and ignore his.<BR>One thing for sure. If this continues to fester it is going to cause a lot of damage. Best of luck!