My faults were>>><p>1. Lost focus of myself, that discouraged wife
2. Didn'stand up and lead in financial matters
3. Co-Dependant on wife too much who lacked leadership in her own areas
4. Didn't spend enough time on outtings W wife and didn't hold wifes hand in public
5. Didn't take time to impress wife with clothes and outward apprearance
6. Let financial stress dominate my time
7. Stopped pursuing my music career
8. Lived in a state [FL] 4 yrs that I no longer liked, crying inside to leave, wife refused to leave..
9. Gained weight due to inactivity and discouragement
10. Stopped pursuing business dreams and goals
11. Became the family martyr of sacrifice I did without to make them happy<p>These are my confessions - I will tell anyone I messed up in my marriage but at the same time I have and are still working on me in these area's... I can say one thing [The lack of money and poor money management] has been the underlaying factor in all my troubles.....I can look back over time and I see why sooo many marriage problems occured..[money]..<p>I guess the good part in it all is, knowing why I became unhappy therefore I have determined I will have money in the next relationship then I can impress a mate with who and what I really am and not subcum under financial pressure and withdraw due to no money... resulting into becoming who I'm not [A slave to creditors]....financial bondage...

Anna,
I think it's curious that instead of coming on this thread and saying "your wrongs", which is the intent of the post, you come on just to criticize someone else's post.......just something for you to think about.
If I can add to a discussion I will. My "wrongs" are not going to enlighten anybody.<p>I come here to help people to understand what they may perceive as a problem in their marriage which was probably not really part of the marriage failure. (Based on what I have seen & read at MB over the past 3+ years.)<p>New people come on here all the time and do not understand what MB is all about. They simply hear from other newbies that it is okay to hate the spouse, to divorce them immediately & to do anything they want rather than follow MB principles.<p>We all laugh about things the ws has said. Well some of the stuff the bs think/say just as ridiculous.<p>[ May 23, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Since I am having a semi-rotten day, here is the list of things that I know I did wrong in the marriage that contributed to its demise.<p>1. I was too controlling with our money. I got so that I did not trust exH with our finances at all.<p>2. I gained weight<p>3. I did not learn to ski nor did I learn to windsurf, two activities that he really enjoyed and lived for.<p>4. I did not work full-time<p>5. Instead of talking to him about his actions/behavior that may have bothered me, I complained about him to my friends.<p>6. I did not try to like camping.<p>My exH did marry his OW (they have been married since Jan. '01 we were divorced Dec. '00) and his new wife does ski, not sure about the windsurfing or the camping. But she does work full-time and makes a lot more money than I could (I am a librarian, she is in finance with an MBA). She is also 10 years younger than I am with younger friends and family.<p>Pat

AP News - "Wiftty's Marriage's Murder Solved!"<p>I married for the wrong reasons, i married for the job she had, (teacher and athletic coach) and i though that with her job, she would be a great mom. (buzzing sound)<p>I married too socially immature. I had been schooled from age 12 to age 22 in all male institutions, as well as having a non traditional work life (gone for two weeks to two months, vacation for two weeks to two months) (buzzing sound)<p>I never believed her dysfunctional family stories after meeting her family. I had a hard time getting answers from her past family life as there was so much covered up with bogus excuses. (buzzing sound) <p>I came from a traditional family, X came from a backwards family. . . XMIL wore the pants in the family, and gained that through yelling and manipulation. . . XFIL is effiminate, and sub serviant to keep the yelling down. (BIG BUZZING SOUND!) (ref, throw a red card to put me out of my misery!!!) I didn't get along with her brother at all. . . much like his dad. . . and sister in law was very much like X's mom. funny how we repeat the past.<p>I believed her sympathy arousing stories about how she had low self esteem, and i played the white knight role (referee whistle! yellow card!)<p>I allowed her to emotionally manipulate me. Not that being manipulating is ever the fault of the manipulated, but I told my best friend that she doesn't fit my lifestyle before i got married, i was ready to divorce her after once when i went back to work for two weeks, and i got talked out of it, and the third time i went to divorce attorney was when the manipulation started big time and i was in grad school, right after our first was born (sort of trapped, as a result of my social immaturity and low self esteem with relationships - i have plenty of self esteem everywhere else - its more ignorance and lack of experience because that is how one gets self esteem normally)<p>My mom and dad didn't teach me about interpersonal relationships. I read about them in grad school, but still didn't have enough experience to be proficient in them.<p>I thought I could change her. I thought love would change the world. . . . i was so in control of my world and had conquered so many professional goals that i had tons of power to fix her, and make her what she claimed she didn't want. (buzzing sound)<p>I thought that wanting a better lot in life than we had was a worthy goal to pursue, and since i had started my first career to satisfy my dad, I finally became myself when i picked my career at age 30, and went back to school to get it. There i graduated in the middle of a recession, and took a year afterwards before I got my first temp job. meanwhile, during graduate school, we had our first child (buzzing sound) and at graduate school, i discovered that there were women like myself, since i couldn't find anyone before then, but i had never been exposed to them. X's girl friends were usually gay or old maids, never to get married. . . and with women unlike my X but like myself, i realized i married the wrong person. . . <p>by the time we had our second child we had a summer home, mortgage, kindergarten tuition, and very little savings in the bank. . . the male provider in me took work seriously after starting a new career at the bottom at age 33, with two kids, a mortgage and very little money in the bank. . . we agreed that I would be the money maker to get us off of the pay check to pay check routine. . . <p>well i worked my [censored] of, got to a very respectable professional position, and because now i was in real management with real adults, i learned how not to get manipulated, took that home, and now the marriage from her point of view was not based upon what she wanted. . . <p>I had stock options, large bonuses, sore suits every day. . . had to mingle with the CEO's and SVPS etc, and these people were the people that both my X and my XILs hated because of sour grapes and FOO issues from the depression, passed on by a very manipulative XGM (X's grand mother who lived to be 100) but was very difficult to live with, and XFIL hated his mom for her manipulation (yet married someone just like her!) XGM convinced X that men only want sex, and that men were bad, money was bad, the only people worthy in this life were the martyrs who complained about the rich and helped with the poor.<p> BIG BUZZING SOUND! <p>So, from work, i resisted being manipulated, the death knell to a controller. . . i did not agree very often to wasting money, since we have responsibilities, and i never worked for stable companies. . . my home time which used to be on vacation 7 months a year, was now 2 weeks a year, and no longer was i a house husband when i was home. . .. again, a new role for the marriage (buzzing sound) i controlled the money and investments, X wanted no part in the money, just wnated to spend it, i wanted to invest it and save it, <p>so when we sold our vacation house to move up to a new house, because the one we wanted got sold before we could sell ours, and i hadn't gotten my first big bonus and pay raise yet, just around the corner, to afford a much better house, i was told that i worked to hard for money. . . <p>what X now claims to have tried to tell me, and claims that i didn't listen, was that she and the family needed attention. . . however, she always wrapped these communiques in big LB with angry outbursts, and never spent the time to understand my position. . . so I would come home to an irate W who would worked 20 hours a day most days, and complain about her work, my work, complain, complain, etc. and then would resist me when i offered a vacation. . . <p>the relationship was built around manipulation. . . and ignorance on my part, and had very different unspoken goals, which would change radically about 15 years after we met. . .
mostly for her, now she tries to get out of coaching, which was one reason why she claims she picked her profession, and yet, i continued with my athletics, once a week 2-3 hours. . . but it began to take alot out of me physically, and X would complain and have cutting remarks at me. . .
to get me to stop without talking to me, etc.. . .<p>and finally, after kids, sex slowly become only me wanting it, and her never initiating, and then complaining about it. . .. (BIG BUZZING SOUND that i never figured out)<p>ok, get the picture, I grew up, X regressed. . . she has history of mental illness and alzheimers in her family, i have history of heart disease and bowel cancer (both curable and preventable) i improved myself, and educated myself to the next level, X did not. . . I took on responsibility, X avoided responsibility and resented it. . . X wanted a spouse that worked with her, just like majority of her professional peers, (most H&W work together at her job) I wasn't that person anymore, I had my own life and career (always had, just no longer the 7 months vacation to spend with her at her job)<p>the one point that the Harley's make that I could not do, was to recreate the early years, like it was when we were dating and newly married, can't do it, physically impossible, because career changes prevented that. . .<p> however, if X had waited a couple of years, if X did not have the impatient, selfish, impulsive gene passed down through her FOO, we would have made more than one of our original dreams come true, and be well on the way to recreating the lifestyle we had before kids and my career change. . . but because her personality type and genetics, she can't see or discuss or understand those concepts and ideas. . . life came down to X's immediate impulse gratification, and with X's slow, gradual loss of recent history memory, alzheimers in her family, she is slowly, very gradually losing her vitality for life, and the marriage was a victim to those mental illness, hormone changes which lead to the diseases <p>wiftty