There are many truths that would be accurate....but why not address the rudeness of the question in the first place.....why not answer with another question....why do you want to know?, why do you ask?, or...is this a trick question? Except in the case of someone you are seriously involved with....this is not a reasonable question for them to ask....don't answer it. With someone really persistent you can always say....sorry it hurts to talk about this...could you ask something else?

Hi Jo and others.<p>I have been avoiding this board because, perhaps, I want to also avoid the question. Guess it's time to belly up to the bar. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think I like Dino's answer the best and given the brutal honesty Jo and others have accused me of [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] it seems fitting.<p>Truth is, throughout my ordeal I've socialized almost exclusively with long time friends who knew what was going on, so I didn't have to answer any questions.<p>I am terrified of being asked this by the inevitable future potential date. Despite my penchant for unabashed honesty, I don't think I should immediately answer, "My former wife couldn't confront the death of our son, so she sought a "replacement" family with her best friend's kids and husband. When his kids rebuffed her, they were too stubborn to look back."<p>So, I think I'll just say at first that our marriage didn't survive the loss of our youngest son. Although this will be a very superficial response - the complete reason is way more complex - it'll be a clue that we faced a huge challenge that frequently results in collateral damage. Of course, the problem for me then will be communicating to the potential romantic interest that I'm not whacko for the same reasons.

Don't flame me guys, but the only answer I hear about 80 percent of the time is that the WIFE cheated on them. Forgive my cynicism, but as the wife of a cheater (ex, I mean), I frankly don't believe most of them.....

OK Trapped Mom, fair enough. But when you don't believe me, just say so, OK?<p>WAT

i still say except for a chosen few....this is a rude question that you shouldn't answer at all...but i sure laughed at some of the answers you gave.

OK, I've thought about this some more and I can't believe I didn't remember the answer I routinely gave close friends when they asked why she moved out:<p>"She was abducted by aliens and had her brains scrambled."

Most of the people that know me, already know, WHY. But occasionally someone will still ask and the conversation goes something like this:<p>Them: Why did you get divorced?<p>Me: Idiot Girl decided to further her education, she went back to school, and took an EMT class.<p>Them: <Standing there with a puzzled look on their face><p>Me: Oh, did I forget to mention, that on the nights she doesn't have the girls, she's living with her EMT instructor.<p>Then for fun I usually point out the fact that she's 29 and he's 48.

I think it is a tough one to handle. It depends on the situation, and how well you know the person.<p>I think star is right, it is a rude question, and should be addressed accordingly. My mom has this pat practiced thing for prying questions. Raise one eyebrow, say "Oh My!" and then ask why they feel they can ask a question like that.<p>But then again, it is something that comes up in ordinary conversation. Best just to laugh it off, and leave them wondering.<p>Elizabeth, why did you get divorced?<p>It might be petty, but it really started to bug me that none of his pants had working zippers.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pantha:
What if someone said something like "It just wasn't working...". Thats for starters and when you get to know that person you could feel more comfortable telling more if it is in a dating situation?
<hr></blockquote><p>I'd use that Pantha, but it sounds kinda funny, yanno?<p>Them: "Why did you get divorced?"<p>Me: "It just wasn't working."<p>Them: "It took 20 years to discover it just wasn't working?"<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Okay all MALES, what would you think if a female of interest to you answered the question like this? Please be honest, brutal if necessary.<p>You: "Why are you divorced?"<p>Me: "Ex-H is a musician."

OK Jo, I'll bite.<p>My reaction would be, "What's that got to do with it - unless he was <fill in name of a filthy rich rock star who has WAY more money than brains>?"<p>Perhaps we need to drop back and not be so quick to default to the "affair" - in your and my case - as the reason for the divorce. We both know the affair was merely a symptom of deeper problems.
Maybe we should say "problems surfaced that we didn't solve." <p>I know, I know - you and I both tried to solve the problems without assistance from our Xs, but nonetheless, collectively we didn't solve them.<p>WAT

My standard reply:<p>He traded me in for a younger,newer, fitter model who cleans house better.<p>I have had to answer this so many times since we moved back. <p>My other answer to why did you move back,<p>He hated his job, so he quit & went to live with his tramp of a girlfriend in The Woodlands, or if I am in a nice mood, I will change tramp of a girlfriend to the love of his life.<p>Jo, at least you are getting asked for a good reason. I am just tried of explaining things to people. I am getting better of just saying we are divorcing.

But Dave .... "IF" they would have given us a chance we may not BE divorced.<p>So I don't think I am Divorced because of unmet ENs, I believe I may be Divorced because my H would not give it a chance because he would not end it with OW.

I am afraid I have to agree with starfish...that is an incredibly rude question.<p>If you know me well enough to ask it, then I've already told you the answer.<p>If not, then you don't know me well enough to ask it.

"Why are you divorced?"<p>I think a good answer would be:<p>"Its a long story"

Yes, Jo - I think we are in violent agreement.<p>I was just trying to cover the point that I heard over and over again from my X - "OM is not the problem." "Our problems started long before my affair you accuse me of having that I'm not having." (True statement.)<p>Yes, if we had a real chance, we may not be divorced today. We were denied that chance. (I prefer to say now that they denied themselves that chance.) BUT, the chance that was denied was the opportunity to fix fixable problems - problems that led to the affair. The affair and the ultimate divorce were just manifestations of the unfixed problems.<p>Dave

Okay then ....<p>How's this?<p>Them: "You're D? May I ask what happened?"<p>Me: "Sure, my H was a serial cheater"

We are separated; divorce almost final.<p>Them: "Come on you two. Can't you work things out?". <p> They are under the imaginary spell he cast of himself as an honest, wonderful, church-going, true-blue, "clean as a boy scout", "pillar of the community", philanthropist, pro-life, intelligent white-collar professional, devoted family man, faithful husband and gentle father of four. <p>Me: "It was a major betrayal from the beginning."<p>Them: Silence....<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

For me, this question is so hard to answer without feeling like you're blaming someone (yourself or ex), or being evasive.

ohhhh, wait.<p>And I wonder how the ex-H answers it. Lets see ....<p>"We grew apart"<p>LMAO!