I've been on the boards for a couple of weeks and my WS is insistent it's over. I guess I should realize it is over since we have split our assests and have sold our house (we won't close on it until June). She moved out 5+ weeks ago and says she is in love with someone else. She says she wants a divorce. She still calls him but I understand (from her roommate) that he doesn't call her back (he lives in another state 5+ hours away).<p>Anyway, I'm having a hard time letting her go and moving on. I've been trying the Last Resort Technique and basically don't contact her unless it is about our children. I've been trying to live like she is gone (which she is) and trying to move on without her.<p>Anyway it hurts and I'm having a hard time letting go. Any suggestions on how I can mentally begin to move on?<p>A couple other tidbits...I'm taking 40 mg Paxil daily, and am having major difficulties sleeping (4 hours max a night for the last couple of weeks and no sleep for three different nights this week). Otherwise I'm okay, I've been running for several months now (3 miles a day at lunch), I am not drowning my sorrows in drink, I'm taking care of our kids (I'm still in the house) and taking care of the house stuff (laundry, lawn, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping etc). However, I have no time for myself right now -- I'm so busy taking care of business I don't have time to go out, much less think about things. I haven't had any crying episodes that last 10 days or so (other than yesterday and today).<p>As far as I can tell (from my consulor and info I've found) I seem to be doing very well and doing all the right things but I still feel like s**t. I want to move on but I can't (won't?) let go. Shoot, I haven't even got to the angry stage yet and I don't know why since I deserve better than this.<p>Thanks for listening and God bless
Frank1000

Frank,<p>I think you should see about going to individual counseling. It can help you thru the grief process and help you start to pick up the pieces.<p>Sorry for your pain.

Boy, that was quick...<p>I am doing the consuling thing but together...I guess I should talk with my consulor about individual consuling.<p>Thanks for the input and God Bless<p>Frank1000

We're here to help if we can. I think individual is good because you can REALLY say whatever you feel without having to worry about making the spouse mad.

Hello Frank1000,<p>I haven't replied to anyone here for a long time. But I wanted to reply to you to say hang in there. My stbxh walked out a little over a year ago. No effort on his part to save the marriage just I don't love you like I should and I have found someone else. Your post reminded me of just how I felt at that time. Complete despair and hoplesness pretty much summed it up.
About the grief, you just have to live through it. It sucks but there is no magic wand to wave that makes it better. It is okay to feel sad and terrible right now. Your world has been completly turned upside down and you no doubt feel like you have no control right now.
What got me through was posting here a lot. It may take some time to get replies. Reply to others and they will respond better to you, just the way it works around here. This was my support group and it was great!!
Another thing is read. Read books on affairs, it may help you understand your stbx's actions a little better. Books I read were Private Lies by Frank Pittman, The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck, A Little Book on Love by Jacob Needlman and The Spirituality of Imperfection. These helped me a lot personally and help the letting go process.
BTW that is the million dollar question around here, "How do I let go?". When I figure that out in a form that I can mass market I think I shall indeed be rich! <p>Now, OTOH you are not divorced yet. And even if you do get divorced it only is a piece of paper saying that legally you are not married. A divorce does not end the relationship and in time your stbx wife may change her mind. That is why you need to make sure you read all material here. PlanA PlanB etc...decide where you need to be. This is about you and getting you through this. If you can save your marriage using these techniques all the better. <p>Sorry this got so long.<p>Take Care and visit often. I spent many a sleepless night here just reading.<p>p.s. I feel much better now a year later. I no longer love my stbx and have moved on with my life. I'm doing what I need to do for myself and my children. A year ago I thought I would never feel whole again, but you know what, I'm even a better person now than I was a year ago. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: HopelessinAZ ]</p>

Frank I too have gone through a very difficult time emotionally. My x cheated on me 3 times and although I still love her I could nor take it any more and divorced her. I have custody of my son and I know the difficults you are experiencing all too well. I also run everyday and find that it is very helpful not only physical but mental also. I still have sleepless nights but not as often anymore. Time will heal your broken spirit and you will feel whole again. Be strong for your kids. If you ever need to talk you can email me at C_grilo@hotmail.com<p>Carl

Hi Frank, I think HIAZ summed it up very well, there is no major formula, God I wish there was.
I really feel for you, I know what it is like, I am there my self. My wife left me 3 time for the same OM, the third time was the last, I had enough, I know I deserve better even though it is so, so hard to let go. I am still stuggling with letting go, it does get easier with time. I have 2 young children and the house, I have my kids all but 6 nights a month so not much time for anything else. Keep busy, work out, read, post here, become the best person and the best father you can be, cry when you need to, you will have many up and down days. I truely believe I am addicted to my stbxw, I have had such a hard time giving her up, but you have no control, you only have control over yourself. I know if doesn't help to easy the pain knowing that you are not alone in your situation but you are not. Share your thoughts, feeling, progess, up and downs here, it will help you get through it. Hang in there, keep on the meds, they help, keep taking them even when you get to the point that you feel you don't need them, it is a long road to recovery. What has helped me the most of anything is no contract, I don't call her, I don't except calls from her, when we exchange the kids I make absolutely no eye contact with her. I typically open the door and put the kids inside. The longer I go without any contact the easier it gets for me, once I have contact it is a major trigger for me, I spend the
next 2-3 days fighting off the urge to call her and beg her to come back, to attempt to talk some logic to her, I have made these mistakes in the past, you can't talk logically to someone in the Fog, you just end up hurting yourself, eventually you learn not to hurt yourself anymore. Hang in there, I tell myself that every single day for the last 9 months, It does get better, I know I am a much better father now than I was, I know that I am going to be a much better and stonger person for going through this, Time will heal your wounds, just try not to rub salt in them along your way. Keep posting, good luck,
Take care,
Dave

Thanks for the kind words and support. <p>I feel much better today. I talked with my WS roommate (a girlfriend of hers -- they were friends when I met by S in 1986) yesterday and she reminded me that I did nothing really wrong and that it is all my WS doing and it's all about my WS. She reminded me I'm a good man and that I gave my WS everything she could need and/or want. I certainly gave her everything (material) she asked for. <p>My WS asked her girlfriend her opinion and her girlfriend let her have it! She told my WS that she was f**king up, that my WS should come back, and that my WS was trading in a Cadillac for a Yugo! It is very tense over there because her girlfriend doesn't support my WS in this and apparently my WS is crying alot at her (new) domicile probably due to the guilt (plus she misses the kids too). Her girlfriend said the whole situation is making her ill.<p>Personally, I sorry to hear all of it but I'm trying to detach from it too...I don't find it humorous (yet) just sad but again this is the path that my WS has choosen.<p>I also talked to a good friend of mine last nite -- a teammate on the rugby club I play with (and no we are not ALL crude barbarian types) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
He made some good points and offered lots of advice (some which I don't think I'll take) but he made me realize a couple of things...<p>1) I'm a great guy and my WS is the one who is wrong here<p>2) I may have some issues that I need to work on about myself but it appears that my WS may have more than I do<p>3) I am not a victim unless I choose to be and that I now have a great opportunity because my WS has given me my freedom<p>4) I need to (and can and have) relinquished control over my WS and am not concerned about what she chooses to do anymore. In fact, she appears to be quite silly and comical (but also sad) the way she is acting<p>5) Although I miss my WS, I realize that I am also happy (maybe happier) lately with her not being around<p>6) I am doing my own thing now (I am going to rugby practice tonite and thursday after the kids soccer practice and they will come with me and I will go play in Tulsa on Sat and again take the kids with me) and will let the answering machine handle all my calls (let her wonder about things)<p>7) I'm determined to have a new attitude. I more positive and am constantly reminding myself of all the good things about me (and my life). I'm dressing nice for work and am more cheerful at work and home.<p>8) Finally, I'm not going to be discouraged. I'm going to keep working on myself (mentally, physically, and financially) by reading, praying, meditating, running, and looking for a new home for myself and the kids. I'm also looking at home furnishings and things like that because June will be here quick enough (that's when we close on our old house)!<p>9) Last but not least, even though she broke her vows, I consider myself still married until divorced and will not break my vow until we are divorced. My conscience will be clear and my character will be too!<p>It's crazy though since my WS admitted (at the consuling session on Monday) that she still talks to the OM every week and that he meets her emotional needs. (Her girlfriend says that my WS must be calling him because his number hasn't appeared on their caller ID). (But talking to others, the OM doesn't really want her but who knows and I don't really care anymore)<p>I prayed last nite and got 5+ hours sleep (usually I get no more than 4 hours a nite for the last couple of weeks and the last week I didn't sleep at all on three different nites) and I feel great this morning (she had the kids last nite) and I don't hurt or ache over my situation anymore (which is what I prayed for and again it happened for me). I feel very peaceful again this morning and feel it is His doing<p>I don't know where my WS and I are but I have prayed that if God won't reveal whether I should stay or move on then He should guide me and my actions to fulfill His plan. I guess I moved closer to letting Him be in control...<p>It's crazy but I do feel like I've been on a rollercoaster but so far today it's more like a merry-go-round -- everything is on an even keel and just going round and round...I pray that it will continue and that my WS may see me happy and content without her but it will be difficult since we have minimal contact now.<p>Finally, I think the important thing I have realized is that I will quit resisting and struggling with my situation and accept it and let it pass. It doesn't mean I'm denying my fear or supressing my fear(s) bur rather accepting it for what it is and letting the fear work it's way out of my system and letting it pass (kinda like a kidney stone but I bet this hurts a lot more than passing a stone! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also, I am trusting in God and trusting in the fact that no matter what I will be fine! <p>Last and not least (this came from my rugby pal) -- Remember that the best revenge is to live excellently. <p>Now that makes a lot of sense to me!!<p>Take care, God bless and hope to hear for you again soon<p>Frank1000

Dear Frank,<p> Sorry to hear of your pain. You are much better than this. You need to let it go. Consider your blessings with your children. For if you develop a postive relationship with them that love will never be taken away. Life is all to short for us to dwell on people that no longer love or respect us. I know it is hard for you and often times lonely put you will prevail. May God Bless You and Keep you Safe.

Frank,
Glad to here you are doing better today, but please be prepared for up and down days. Your summary and points were excellent, I would print them out, put one on the refrig. one on your desk at work, etc, They are excellent, keep reminding yourself of them. I really liked 7-9.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Last and not least (this came from my rugby pal) -- Remember that the best revenge is to live excellently. <hr></blockquote> I believe that is a Winston Churchhill quote, anyway, it is an excellent one but you are really not out for revenge are you? No. you are out to become the best person and father you can become, if she someday realizes what she missed out on, then so be it but that is a side effect and not what you are after.
Take care,
Dave

No I really don't want revenge I just want my WS back, for us to heal and grow and become a family again.<p>That particular phrase just spoke to me (but the revenge part does seem vindictive) but I do plan on living excellently with or without her. (Man that sounds like something out of Bill and Ted... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She came by this morning to get the kids and take them to school. She commented on how nice I looked this morning and also that I've been dressing sharp lately too (I have been trying Plan A and trying to look good around her and being nice too -- no needy or desperate looking actions)<p>Anyway, we talked before the kids woke up and she says she loves the OM but she said a few things that indicate she is doubting -- She mentioned her girlfriend stating my WS was trading in a Cadillac for a jalopy. My WS also said she asked the OM basically if he wanted her -- that she was giving up so much for him. (I think I know the answer [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>She also mentioned that she was surprised by my reaction when she revealed the affair to me (I thought you would be angry but you really haven't gotten angry) She also stated she wasn't expecting the outpouring of emotions even though she knew that I was realizing my life was crumbling before my eyes. I just calmly explained that I understood her and that I had these feelings but I didn't know how to express them (typical man trying to be stoic and keep things inside). I also explained to her that I understood that she was vulnerable for the affair because I wasn't there for her emotionally and spiritually for a long time. <p>I gave the Emotional Needs and Personal History Questionares and she said she would fill them out (I told her no hurry but she seemed sincere and filling them out).<p>All in all, we had a good morning and before I left she came to me and gave me a hug.<p>Unfortunately we did talk about custody issues but I thing this was a good day and I feel good. <p>I did reminder her that I wasn't going to file and that I knew she had to really figure out if she wanted to be with the OM. I told her I am still here and of course you know where I'm at (even if we do get divorced)<p>However, the rollercoaster analogy is perfect but today is a high (and I think hope that I'm ready for the next plunge but I will be more careful not to trigger it!)<p>Again, I'm going to Plan A for awhile and she if anything happens. It appears I have nothing to lose by doing it.<p>Take care, God bless and hope to hear from you again soon<p>Frank1000

Just wanted to add that you've gotten some great advice!<p>5 weeks is really not that long to expect to have fully recovered. It's been 7+ months for me and for alot of us here the consenus is that it will take years to fully recover. You've gone through a traumatic event event, and "getting over" a marriage is not like getting over a boyfriend or girlfriend.<p>Did you ever read SAA (Surviving an Affair) by Harley? It sounds like you are in Plan B and that your wife may be feeling some of the reality of her decision. Don't forget to keep working on yourself and look over the questionaires on this site - Emotional Needs, Love Busters etc. It's important to try and figure out what went wrong - how the emotional needs weren't being met by you adn her and what love busters you were committing. This way, if she were to come back - or even if you went onto another relationship, you would have learned from your past experience on how to have a great marriage.<p>Otherwise, it really does dound like you are doing exceptionally well - although I know it doesn't feel like it. My H left me 2 months pregnant with kid #4 and now baby is 2 months and doing fine, but it's been a long road but one that after walking, you too will be a better person.<p>You may also want to read Rebuilding after Divorce and Secrets of the Vine. Remember that God makes us stronger through our suffering and keep praying - even though you may not get the response you want right away, God is working on His timetable and trust the He has an amazing plan for your life. K

Thanks for the kind words K. I've seen a bunch of your posts the last couple of days as I've been perusing the site and feel grateful for your advice.<p>I found this elsewhere on this site and thought I should (re)share it with everyone. I found it enlightening...<p>Dear friends,
During the intense period of my recovery, I experienced unbelievable pain. In order to sustain me, God revealed many truths that either I had not seen before, or that I had only known with my head, and not my heart.
I share these truths with you hoping that they may help you as they helped me... <p>The past may lie in ashes, but you still have the future. You can&#8217;t change the decisions that were made in the past, but you can choose how you will respond: bitter or better. You are not powerless.
Don&#8217;t set boundaries based on what you know initially. The details cannot come out all at once. Place your trust in God getting you through the experience rather than on your own strength. Handling it in your own strength is saying, &#8220;Okay, I can handle x, y and z.&#8221; But if you later find out that v and w also happened, you will have built your recovery on sand and be devastated.
Share your spouse&#8217;s pain when you can. It will ultimately bring you closer than you ever were before.
Be absolutely sure that it is God&#8217;s will before you reveal what has happened to anyone else. You can never unsay what has been said.
Don&#8217;t withhold sex or other aspects of marital intimacy just to punish your partner. You are only hurting yourself and delaying the healing process.
While your conscious mind may have been unaware of what was happening, your spirit knew everything. This may explain certain things that you did or said before discovery of the truth.
Fight the impulse to take some action, any action, when the pain becomes too great to bear. There is no place you can run to escape the pain, since it is within you. The longer you take in facing the pain, the more you delay your own healing.
Fight the impulse to say hateful things to your spouse you may regret later, or to do anything with lasting consequences until you have given it time. God&#8217;s most common way of communicating with us is His peace. When we take an action immediately, we prevent ourselves from having the opportunity to learn whether we have a peace about it or not. It&#8217;s like leaping before you look.
Give the pain to God. You give God the glory for all the good things in your life; it&#8217;s okay to give God the pain for the things that have gone wrong. In fact, it&#8217;s more than okay; Jesus told us to give Him our burdens. What to us is absolutely unbearable, He can shoulder without effort!
What happened to you wasn&#8217;t right and it wasn&#8217;t fair. But if you choose to react in a godly way to the unfairness, forgiving instead of punishing, you are storing up for yourself treasure in heaven. In this way, your present pain will actually bring you eternal rewards, since you are suffering unjustly. The greater your suffering, the greater your reward will be for all of eternity!
God seeks to purify and grow us by the same process as refining silver. He puts us in a situation where the pain (heat) will bring out the dross in our character. He then allows us to learn/be changed as we cool down from the fire, and He then puts us back in with an even hotter flame. This process continues many times until the silver (you) has been refined. This is why even relatively small things that are new can cause greater pain than the big revelation. While the process will occur many times, it is partially up to us how long the process will be drawn out. If we seek His answers quickly, what might have taken years can be accomplished in months.
During the refining process, we will cry out for the pain to stop, and even beg God not to allow any more. While this self-protection is natural, we must overcome it, since at its root is distrust of God. When you can pray, &#8220;God, if you need to put me back into the fire again to accomplish what you wanted, then I surrender to You,&#8221; you have reached an important milestone in the process of recovery.
As you go through the refining process, the added heat will bring out weaknesses in areas that you thought of as personal strengths. This is because, deep down, we are all made of the same clay, and the pain has served to burn away our outer veneer of goodness.
When your spouse gave in to temptation, they allowed sin to fully penetrate them, like an arrowhead entering the body. Just as an arrowhead which has become imbedded in its victim cannot be pulled out, but must be surgically removed, your spouse could no longer just end the affair by an exercise of will. At that point they became a slave to the sin, and couldn&#8217;t end it, even if they honestly wanted to. Only the truth can set them free, and in all likelihood, they were also overcome by deception. Only God can remove the arrowhead and free them. All of us need to be vigilant never to allow an arrowhead to fully penetrate us, but to flee from any sin that threatens to overwhelm our sense of what is right and godly.
Satan rarely reveals to someone the full extent of what he has planned to develop from the start of their sin. That would put them on their guard. He tends to choose the lie or thought that he can slip in most readily. Once the tip is in, he will begin to try to force more and more of the arrowhead through, rewarding the person with false hopes and temporary pleasures.
Deception and silence are vital to the growth of sin. It isn&#8217;t sinful to have a wrong thought enter your mind. But it is sin to dwell on that thought. If you cannot stop dwelling on it easily, that is a warning sign that sin is attempting to overcome you in that area. Find someone you trust and tell them the entire truth about what is going on. Do not put it off!
Your spouse may honestly believe that they experienced true love in the affair. It is important for them to come to understand that this is not possible, no matter what emotional experiences they had, or for how long they felt them. An affair is about getting, usually getting some need(s) met that are not being met in the marriage. True love is about giving. Also, an affair is founded on deceit and can never be the will of God. True love can only develop in a relationship that is based on the truth, not fantasy.<p>This really helped me Monday to move to another level/perspective after the consuling session Mon morning (which I felt went terrible -- I did major LB by telling her I still wanted to work on the marriage, that I've changed and that I want to meet her emotional needs -- I opened my mouth and my foot fell right out!)<p>But I appologized to her today for it and she appreciated it and forgave me. Again it seems that she is struggling with a lot of things but again said she loves OM. BUT I KNOW that she is doubting things (OM hasn't told her he loves her, when WS pressed him, OM said that he wasn't going to acknowledge thier relationship, wasn't going to tell others about it and was going to keep lying about seeing her) Talk about being in a fog...
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I guess I need to get back to work now<p>Thanks for the advice, God Bless, hope to hear from you again soon, and pray for us (me, my WS, our kids and our family)<p>Frank1000<p>Me BS -40 yr
WS - 39
Met 07/86
Married 8/89
7 yr twins (D & S)
PA 7/01 (day after my 40th B-Day)
admitted affair 3/02 (day before her 39th B-Day)
separated 3/02 (on her B-Day)<p>Not ready to quit on her and us but working on myself and kids and preparing for the worst but hopeful for the best.

Frank, thanks for sharing the informaton, keep up the good work, you are on the right path.
God Bless,
Dave

Frank,<p>I have been reading your posts lately and am sorry for your hurt and pain. I hope I can offer, even for a moment, some type of help. I admire your work so far in making yourself better. That is key. <p>I do worry that accepting the divorce question is coming a bit too easy. You may want to hold your ground and not sign papers too soon. This is a very long and bumpy road. Forgive me in saying this but it seems as though you are easily saying ok to the divorce but still want to reconcile.??? She is going through quite a bit right now and is questioning herself along with it. This is of course what you want. You seemed to have jumped right from Plan A - which you never really got to show her right to Plan B - which you are still showing her. The best you can do is to not push, not get "touchy feeley", let her question what she is doing. Remember that Plan B is for the affair to die and for you to get better at the Plan A. If this OM is going to add fuel to her coming back to you by not meeting "all" her needs then so be it - better for you!<p>Think back to when you first met and that awkward stage when you were by yourself and not pushing her. Get better at what you are doing. Pray, Pray, Pray! Staying friends is of course fine, BUT, you also have children you have to teach. They need to be taught how to love, how to work things out, not to quit, how to become a better person - you seem to be on the right track for this. Be patient and wait. This does not happen overnight! Read Dr. Harley's posts on Plan A and Plan B. You may want to take a look at Divorce Busting, Tough Love and of course Surviving an Affair. Do not LB. Remember you have to compete for her without pushing. She has to realize the dope she is infatuated with right now and let her come around to what she has at home. Let her know when she is ready to talk or come home - how to get a hold of you 24/7. You may also want to consider counseling with the Harley's. <p>Well, I hope this helps just a bit. God Bless and I will say a prayer for you.

I'm sorry if I sound like I want a divorce or will easily submit to it. I DON'T/WON'T. And you are right, if/when she files (I've stated often to her that I don't intend to file) I don't plan on signing it right away; if anything, I will take it to my lawyer and get his opinion. But I will delay as long as possible without being annoying. <p>I guess I am somewhat messed up and appear to be between Plan A and Plan B. I think I am doing the plan A right now (dressing nice, being pleasant around her, complimenting her on her appearance, not calling her unless I have to, not trying to find out her plans etc). I'm trying to be mysterious though by not letting her know what I'm doing with my free time (which is very little) But I know that my positive attitude and my dressing better have caught her attention (this morning she said I looked great and that I looked great at the consuling session on Monday -- I was wearing new clothes I purchased over the weekend -- heck she even said it was nicer than the clothes she has bought for me! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I showed her all the clothes I bought (all on sale plus three nice Italian leather jackets normally $500 each for $99!!) She was impressed by my purchases/choices to say the least. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She has said she doesn't plan on filing until June so I guess my goal is to Plan A until at least then and see what happens but I guess this is really the first week I have been diligently doing Plan A.<p>I'm just worried because she still is in contact with OM (she calls him weekly at least -- by her admission) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for the advice, God bless and hope to hear from you again soon<p>Frank100

I am sorry to hear of your pain. Put may I be truthful and factual, this didn't develop over night. I find it's really a sad, sad situation when people begin and take their relationships for granted. Why do we then wonder what is HAPPENING when it is too late!! Why can't we recognize the harms way when it is going on. I really think people take people for granted and that's when problems begin. Have to show love each and ever day. Not when it's too late!<p>Sorry for you pain but this is my belief!

I am sorry to hear of your pain. Put may I be truthful and factual, this didn't develop over night. I find it's really a sad, sad situation when people begin and take their relationships for granted. Why do we, then wonder what is HAPPENING when it is too late!! Why can't we recognize the harms way when it is going on. I really think people take people for granted and that's when problems begin. Have to show love each and ever day. Not when it's too late! We often times treat strangers better then our spouse.<p>Sorry for you pain but this is my belief!

Hi Frank,<p>Great job with the new you. You must however keep up the hard work 24/7 while still keeping your love bank safe. Resentment is a killer! Don't let it get that far. Remember that you are going to compete. It's a boxing match for you. This will NOT go away until she has broken contact with him. Keep doing the little things you are doing. Don't go overboard. Buying gifts, being affectionate could be going overboard, so be careful. Compliment her, be nice when she is around, talk to her when she wants to, smile(very big - I learned the rough way). Show your kids what is right and I believe that the rest will follow. Don't give up! <p>You haven't said or I didn't read it, but is he married? You have said that she seems to feel remorseful or at the least confused. This is good. You want her thinking but remember not to push. It's very easy to see them come out of the fog for a second and the BS ruin it by pushing too much or saying to much. You have to create that safe haven she wants and needs. <p>From what you have said, her affair seems destined to crash. This guy just needs to be seen for what he really is. <p>Good luck.

First off: Worth it -- No the OM is not married. However, he is taking care of his 12 yr old S and his ex (I don't know if OM married her or not) still lives in the same house so they both take care of thier S but they both go their separate ways. WS said OM even introduced her to my WS. (I just think that is crazy) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
WS came by to get the kids to school this morning (per usual)<p>She talked about her check up she had yesterday and that it went fine and she'll go back in May for the results.<p>The doc gave her 75 mg Effexor so "I can make better decisions and deal with my mild depression". The doc also told her that she probably has obsessive-compulsive disorder (she's an RN and they know each other). She agreed and said that she realizes that things can't be perfect and that she realizes she's been under a lot of stress from her new fulltime job, the house and life. (Boy sounded positive/encouraging to me) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
THEN...<p>She said she was going to our friends (in the next state) for their D b-day party next weekend with our kids (which was the plan). She asked her friend if they would watch our kids for a couple hours so she could see OM! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Her friend said no way, jose (besides her H wouldn't allow OM to come to their house ever nor watch the kids so my WS can see OM). <p>Well, my WS is furious at me because:<p>1) I spent some time with this couple over spring break with the kids because I was having a very hard time dealing with my situation (WS had just moved out 10 days earlier). I wavered back and forth whether to see them or not because she was my WS best friend from college but both couples have become close friends over the years (along with a third couple -- another college girlfriend of my WS, kinda like the three amigos!!). Anyway, they were insistent I come visit and they really helped me deal with my situation.<p>2) I've been talking with the husband pratically everyday at work via phone and/or email about my situation and more importantly about the introspection I'm undertaking and the "internal" journey I have embarked on.<p>Well, my WS sees this as manipulation and says I got to them first and gave them my version and she feels that I've maybe tainted them or something. She also said she was going to visit next weekend (even though she says she feels uncomfortable staying with them) and then she will sever the relationship with both couples. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"You can take the kids next time and visit them" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I asked her if she was angry with me over this and she said "Yes and I'm not going to argue with you about it but you manipulated them and everyone else from the start by talking with them"<p>I told her I wasn't going to argue either and left.<p>Now what is so amazing to me is that NONE of what she said really hurt me. It made me sad that see sshe was burning more bridges but I didn't hurt. If this would have happened a few days earlier, I know I would have been hurt and would have cried all the way to work...<p>I guess that I really have let her go because I realized that when said those things that it was silly for her to blame me for other people's actions and decisions and I know I could have raised the BS flag and tell her that you can't blame me for how others judge or deal with our situation but I knew it would do no go and just make her angrier.<p>It really appears to me that it is over but again I don't hurt or mourn over this "realization". However, maybe stranger still is that I still have hope that our M can be resurrected. I believe this because:<p>1) I've been diligently praying over this and I keep getting the reply that it can be done (M made whole again)<p>2) She didn't mention divorce<p>3) The meeting today was schizo -- nice and pleasant one minute then angry the next. I think she is still struggling with her decision<p>4) The meds will make a difference and when they I believe she will be able to make better decisions <p>5) I plan on giving her the time she needs to really decide what she wants<p>6) I'm keeping a PMA<p>finally, I am not going to get discouraged and I am still moving on without her and concentrating on myself, the kids and the positives in my life. Plus I am still reflecting about myself and what changes I need to make (the "internal" journey)<p>I know that I may sound like a "21st Century Schizoid Man" (man I love King Crimson) but really that is how it has to be I guess. I have to let her go to ever get her back and I must move on and not wait for her but at the same time I DO love her and just forgive her for her crazy actions (I don't know how else to describe it when she will sever relationships she's had for 20+ years to be with OM)<p>It's weird but I just feel soo calm as I type this because I have let go and moved on (plus I know it must be God's peace upon me and that He has taken this burden of mine upon Himself)<p>Take care and God bless<p>Frank1000