Thanks GDP, I like that alot, let me think about it for a while, I am too emotional today to respond.
Thank you,
Dave

davepr, you've gotten great advise. AND you are handeling things VERY well.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS davepr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the hug, I needed it! I have my kids now so I am better, they are the joy of my life, I am so proud of them!<p>Dave

Dave,<p>Has your wife seen a therapist? I ask because she seems quite depressed, maybe even manic. I'm not a shrink or anything, but she has said some things in that last email such as:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dave's W wrote:
I guess when you look in the mirror you can say you love yourself, I doubt in all my "years" left, if any, I will ever tell myself that<hr></blockquote><p>I don't know if this is just the way she talks or if you should sit up and take notice. I'm not trying to alarm you, I'm simply calling it to your attention. I'm on the outside looking in, and I see a degree of unstableness. There's so much self loathing, it's very sad to read. <p>JMVHO ...<p>Jo

davepr,<p>I Love GDP's email. Truly, that is a fitting answer. I also think Jo raises a good point about your W being manic. But really, her asking you this question just goes to show how for her right now...."it's all about me!"<p>Only thing I can add is for you to continue to try to stick to your plans. Plan B has a purpose. Let nature run it's course here. Your W is beginning to feel the consequences of her own actions. Don't rescue her. Be there in the wings. In time, she may realize what mistakes she is making and give your relationship another chance.<p>Stay the course, Desiree

Jo, Yes, I have been concered, read my post "got sucked in again" it is on the first page of this board. She has threatned sucide several times although never attempted it. She is on 15mg of paxil a day, her IC kicked her out for lying (multiple times) said that she can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped and is not honest.
She is not going to go to another IC. Not much I can do to save her, she is on her own, although I will be watching, especially when she has the kids, for signs of trouble, I pray to God she hits bottom and starts to recover without any major happening. The next time she theatens sucide, I will call 911 and have her committed until she is better, I think that is in her and my childrens best interest. She has made a total mess out of her life but it is all my fault.
I don't know what else to do, I personally cannot take this much more, I am trying to work 40 hours a week, raise two small children, recover from all of this emotional pain, and keep a watch on her, and try to protect myself from her, she hurts me so bad, like today again. Last night i dealt with two sick kids, I called her to see if she would take one of them for the night, of course she said no. I only had 4 hours sleep last night, hopefully tonight will be better, only one of them is sick tonight. I am really at my wits end. I need a break from all of this but can't seem to escape.
I wonder what she will do tomorrow to hurt me?
By the way, when she dropped off the kids she came into the house again, I told her to please leave, she wanted to talk, I didn't, I repeated to please leave and never once looked at her once.
I hate seeing her.

I'm so very sorry, Dave. I wasn't aware of the repeated suicide threats. Desiree is right on the money. Concentrate on you and the kids (thank the Dear Lord you have custody).<p>Just do your best, Dave. Mainly, TAKE CARE OF YOU. Your kids need their dad. <p>Perhaps after things calm down, you might explore getting FULL custody with your wife only allowed monitored visitation ... I don't think your wife is in any condition to be a parent at this time. <p>Please be okay .... God Bless.<p>Jo<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks Jo, I am keeing a daily log of events so that if I go for full custody I have some evidence.<p>I did very well this morning, I dropped my d off at school and took my s to the stbxw apartment.
I opened the door, gave him as kiss and told him I would see him tonight. As I walked away stbxw game out,said I have something for you. I was walking away so I stopped but didn't turn around, I asked what is it, she said a ticket to our d dance resitle (sp?). I asked if she was going, she replied yes, I said I was sorry but I couldn't attend, she said that d really wanted me to be there, I said that I was sorry that I could not attend and walked away. I just can't be there, especially if OM is there, I am sorry for me d that I can't go but I will make it up to her another way.
Take care,
Dave

Dave,
In regards to the kids, you need to start preparing like she isn't going to be there. Just assume she won't it will be easier in the long run for you. Keep your expectations for/of her low. That way you won't drive yourself crazy when she disappoints you.<p>Line up babysitters/carpools, things like that for when you can't make it. Basically I ask those people first. My x always had a reason not to do something, like she has to go to work in 6 hrs and can't go to the kids things because she has to rest. <p>It really used to bother me. Then I decided, it is not my responsibility for her relationship with the kids. If she didn't want to be around them that was her problem. It's not your responsibility either.<p>Do what you have too to get the kids where they need to be, just don't count on her.<p>One thing though, you will have to suck it up and go to the kid's things even if om is there. I completely understand how you feel, but YOU need to be there too. Don't let him force you away from your kids. You don't have to sit by him, or even acknowledge him. Just be there for them. They may not be crazy about him being there either.<p>Heck, I even acknowledged om/stbxh one time last year. He was eyeballing me and when I looked up and saw him I nodded towards him. HE didn't move a muscle.<p>The other reason you can't react, you don't want your kids to feel uncomfortable if they bring up the om. IF you start making faces/comments, that tells them that this is a taboo subject. You really don't want any taboo subjects with your kids do you??<p>You're doing fine. Keep hanging in!

RWD, thanks for the good advice, my expectations from her are getting close to zero now. I am working on taking them to none. <p>Regarding the children and the OM, I know that I am going to have to face this some time and that there are some events that I should attend for my children. In 95% of the cases I am going to do my on thing, the kids will have 2 birthday parties, 2 Christmas, 2 Thanksgivings, etc. Sooner or later i will have to attend something that stbxw and OM are at, but I am just not ready now. I think that once I lose my love for her, I will be able to handle this but not at this point in my life, it is just too painful. I am afraid that I might do a major LB, this OM called my house and harassed me when my stbxw and I were trying to reconcile the second time, part of the reason she claims she left was that is was too painful for the OM, well what the hell does she that it was doing to me and the children, just part of the WS fog.<p>I am trying to have no expectation that she will come back to the marriage but I also believe that the relationship with the OM will not last.
Her two best friends recently told her that he was a scumbag and wasn't the right person for her. I think down inside she knows that. She told her sister that she would never marry him. She told her 2nd best friend that she just needed him to get through this point in her life. He is starting to become physically abusive to her, just some pushing but my fear is that is just the start, I pray she gets out before it gets worse, I think that once she gets mentally healthy this OM will be history but I can't plan on this because it may never happen. For whatever reason I feel much better about things since finding out what a loser this guy really is. I guess that I think she will end it with him, and if not then she gets what she deserves and I become a better, stonger person for going through this. Either way I come out on top.<p>Thanks for your support,
Take care,
Dave

Dave,
I know what you mean about the om being a loser. My x's om is one too. He has had 2-3 affairs and was fired from 2-3 jobs. <p>When I first found out my x was having an affair I thought it would be with some rich doctor. She told me he drove a sports car, so I am thinking of some slick doctor with a ponytail driving a BMW convertable.<p>Imagine my suprise when I find that at the local cheapskate motel, him driving a late 80's firebird and being about 5 yrs older than me, but looking about 15 yrs older. It was a shcock to me.<p>Statistic are on your side. These types of relationships usually just don't last. The guilt usually get in the way.<p>My x was in a hurry to get married to the om. The fact that she waited 10 months after our divorce was a suprise.<p>Hang in, it does get better!<p>Bob

generally, i don't respond to loser comments like that, but if you are asked by her. . . the only respons i would give is to somehow tell her counseling is her best bet to return to the person she used to be. . . .<p>that acknowledges you read the letter, and are not vindictive towards her. . . but supportive of a solution. . . <p>that's all. . . .<p>wiftty

Thanks Wiffty and Bob, although I know this guy is a loser I would never say that to her. Obviously she sees something in him so I would not LB with her. I am very concerned for her saftety though, he appears to be very physically controlling with her, I also have the worry regarding my children. Hopefully it ends before something bad happens. When she came home the second time she was terrified of him, the night that he called us 7 times she just sat in the chair shaking, I can't believe she went back to that. I don't know that she could get out if she wanted. Hopefully she would get some help
Dave