WoW!<p>Your going to find this very odd, but the same type of things have been happening here too!<p>I feel the same way, "it's like a curse... it just doesn't stop".<p>I've been told, that I too, should write a book. Even "Ripley's Believe It or Not" wouldn't believe the things that have been happening around here... small world unfortunately for both of us.<p>There is no physical abuse in this household however, and I'm sorry to hear of your circumstances, it is sad, and I can understand your wanting to get out. Our problem is my STBXW's behavior.<p>It's good that your H, is at least seeking help for his anger. That is better than some... hope he continues.<p>On a previuos post "Takola" asked me about a possible mental problem on WW's part, and the answer is yes. She has been seeing an IC for years. She is a Bipolar Manic Depressive... she doesn't take her meds, so It gets pretty wild around here... in fact it gets to the point of insanity. I've had to start seeing a IC myself, just to try to cope with it all... it's that nuts. <p>You are a lot farther in your progress than I am, as far as letting it all go, and moving on. I am moving on, don't get me wrong, but there is still that mental attachment (Love?) that just keeps grabbing hold of me and I don't know why. I can't figure that part out. It's not that I can't find someone else (I've been hit on quite a bit), I've never acted on it... never wanted to... because I loved my WW.
There is a part of me that "CAN'T STAND HER" for what she has done to our family over the years though. Then there is a part of me, that just "Loves" her very deeply, and I don't know why... hence, the IC.<p>It's good to hear that your not bitter. It is my understanding that you have to be able to forgive the one that hurt you, before you can truly heal yourself, otherwise it will eat you alive... I believe that. That is the part of me that I'm working on (one of many).<p>I'm sorry to hear that your pain will be with you forever... that you will never forget. I have to agree, I too, will probably have the pain with me as well... hopefully it will subside for both of us long enough to go on and lead a happy life.<p>I have to agree with you about my MI, I'm pretty sure that she is in contact with WW, she is just not telling anyone about it. I Don't really know why she would lie, no one wants to talk to WW anyway.(except my attorney's to get an agreement going before we continue in court). Maybe mental illness does run in the family (Bipolar disorder) never really thought about it. MI does act like she's nutty some of the time. Her other D says she is out of her mind all the time, but I never really took it to heart. I just wasn't sure if I was seeing shadows in the dark about her not asking about her daughter when she would call here.<p>My S23 was in a bad car wreck about 2 weeks ago (he is doing well now). My MI was notified by my oldest D18 that he was in taken to ER. MI came down to hospital, but no sign of my WW to at least see how my S was doing, no phone calls to him, nothing... it's sad. Hurt my S like you can't believe... hurt us all. <p>It's funny, knowing what I know about my marriage, I wouldn't marry my wife if I had it to do over again. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. But the pain that has been put into this M is so great, that I wouldn't want to put my worst enemy through it.<p>I'm rambling so I'm going to grab something to eat.<p>Stay in touch.<p>Stay strong.<p>Wallace

I'm back but don't know how long I will be able to visit here. Things got a little hairy here last night. H has been building up to a blow-up and I don't know where it's going from here but I have to do something soon. Be back later.

Free Indeed,<p>Be careful. Let me know how you make out.<p>Wallace

Well, I'm still hanging in here, with a few new plans in motion. My H gets extreme one direction then switches directions on me and expects me to follow. I'm only going one direction right now, as vague as that sounds, it's all I can say. Will update soon, I hope.

Free Indeed,<p>Glad to hear your O.K.<p>Stay in touch and Stay Stong!<p>Wallace

Wallace,
What do you know about generational curses(or anyone for that matter). I am wondering if a person can bring a curse into a relationship? I believe in the power of God and am a Christian, but if a person does not recognize what the problem is and keeps working on little issues, the source just continues to manifest new problems till it wears you out. Does this make any sense? I may not have communicated my thoughts well here, but it's a start.

Free Indeed,

I think I might know where you are going with this.

IMO, a generational curse is one that is handed down from generation to generation from a specific side of a family. the product of your enviroment aspect, and the problems that are hand down from one generation to the other. so to speak. Is this what you are meaning? Or, are you looking at it from a Biblical aspect?

From a Biblical aspect, I believe that there are generational curses handed down in that area as well.
As a person who is allowing the Lord to lead his way now... (since I seem to not be able to control anything in my life). I believe that the sins of the father fall on to the sons so to speak.

I believe that you can break that generational curse, by putting God first and foremost in your life, which I am guilty of not doing in the past... hence all the problems (Satan was allowed in when God was not at the center of my life).

At the moment my WS is surronded by sin. She was also guilty of not putting God first. We all had good intentions, but would eventually revert back to not putting the Lord first... hence, Satan was able to do his bidding.

Is it something that is a generational curse? I believe it is... If you do not allow the Lord the chance to give you blessings, by not putting him first and foremost in your life. When that happens... you leave yourself open for Satan to continue the generational curse on you and your family.

Not sure if this is what you were asking about, and I'm rambling I know, but thats just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Wallace

Free Indeed,

Forgot to answer your question. YOU CANNOT BEAT A GENERATIONAL CURSE. Not by yourself, it is futile to try without divine intervention.

Hope things are going better for you, keep me posted.

Wallace

Thanks for the reply. I hope you didn't think I was preaching to you, just getting an opinion. I agree completly that you cannot break a curse by yourself nor do I believe you can break it for someone else. I think they have to do that themselves. I did a study of sorts on generational curses (spiritual) and they can be broken, however, the person carrying the curse(according to this preacher)has to claim responsibility for it and repent. Much the same way as receiving salvation. Since Adam sinned and ruined it for all mankind (if he hadn't, I'm sure someone else would have), we are each responsible for obtaining our own salvation and relationship with God. I am feeling really good about my life right now. It looks pretty bad from a natural standpoint, but from a spiritual standpoint, I feel like I am in the right place. I read something once that made everything make a lot more sense to me. It said, "We should consider ourselves as spiritual beings having a human experience rather than human beigs having a spiritual experience" I have experienced so much healing and peace by detatching myself from this marriage, it is unexplainable. It was like I was bound to something dark and evil, even tho I loved my H with all my heart and soul. I have deffinetly been released from smething, I just don't know what it was yet.

Free Indeed,

I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression based on my posts.

You can preach, give advice, anything you feel you need to say to me. I am listening.

I am trying to achieve the inner peace that you are speaking of. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find it. I seek the truth through God, knowing that he will get myself and my family through this.

I know that everyone is different, but about how long did it take you to become free within your spirit?

I know about this dark cloud that you speak of in your posts. Many years ago, I challeneged Satan (thinking that I was spiritualy strong enough to overcome anything he could dish out), I did this, because I was tired of him entering into my family's life on a ongoing basis and creating havoc. "HUGE" mistake... my life has taken a downward tumble ever since then. All the while, I began to lose my faith... "Big" mistake.

I am never going to make that mistake again. I've been trying to rebuild ever since. I have stared into the abyss, and I know what awaits... it's not a pretty sight.

I have since humbled myself before God, and am allowing him to put the pieces back together as he sees fit. It's going to be a long and painful road that I travel, but knowing that I am not traveling it alone (God is with me), it makes the journey a lot more tolerable.

Thanks for listening.

Wallace

Wow, I was just talking with a pastor the other night at work, (he works at the same place as I do) and I was telling him my thoughts on spiritual battles. I truly believe to fight a spiritual battle you have to obey the scripture andput on the whole armor of God. Satan is powerless against God's word and we are powerless with out it. To challenge Satan without all the ammo you need is just asking for trouble. I try not to challenge him, but to resist him as the word says. Do I always succeed? NO. The inner peace came not too long ago, and it happened all at once. I decided that I could not do much about my H but knew I needed strenght to endure the coming months. I made a conscious decision to work on my relationship with God, knowing He is always there for me and will never forsake me. No, I don't always get what I want, but my prayers are that His will be done for my life concerning all aspects. He knows far better than me what I need. I always cling to the scripture that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I also believe the scripture when it says He will keep us in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee. I, too, have let the cares of this world choke out the word of God in my life to the point of losing my peace. I have been a Christian for many years, but just recently was able to distinguish some things. I had a very hard time trying to be spiritual and live in this body in this world. I stepped away from God for a while, because it was causing such turmoil in my marriage. Every time I started to grow in the Lord, feel peace and think everything was going to be ok, my H would turn really nasty to me. I didn't preach at him or anything, he could just sense it. He would say things like, "You're on your holier than thou kick again" or "you need to get off your high horse". I never denounced God, but quit activily persuing a relationship with Him. The moment I decided to detatch myself from H and marriage and return to God, so to speak, the peace came. I am still a bit uneasy about the days to come as I am putting some plans into action, but I know it is not something I wont survive. H has also tried to come between me and our kids. He seems to be very jealous of them. I think he has a huge inferiority complex or something. He claims to be a Christain and maybe he is. Only him and God know for sure, but there is something ugly in the midst of it if he is. I no longer feel responsible for it, it is something he is going to have to take care of. Also, when praying for someone else, who is under bondage of any kind, it helps to bind Satan in the name of Jesus away from that person you are praying for. I have studied a lot on spiritual warfare in the past, and tried to battle Satan in my marriage, viewing him as the enemy and not my H. Every time I prayed, it seems I got the same answer, and that was to step away from the marriage. I know a lot of Christians and the concepts on this site won't agree, but I have to do what's right for me. I have no intention of getting back into this marriage once I'm out completly, however should God plant in me a change of heart, that will be a different story. Scriptually speaking, I can get out of this marriage, but that is not the reason I am.

Free......Just curious. What would it take for you to take your husband back? I am a WS with MA's and I want so bad to not get a divorce but my wife has been hurt to much right now to want to stay with me. You sound like you have found the peace within the lord that is soo good to many people here. When we hurt, God is the one that lifts us up on a daily basis. When I get totally depressed that I have lost my wife I always turn to him for strength just to make it through the moment. I too have given it over to God but it hurts so bad when things don't go like we want them to at a particular moment.(praying for my wife and family back) <p> I say pray for your husband everyday and maybe God will plant a seed in him to make him want to please you again and then maybe your marriage will be on a positive road again. I know I am praying for my wifes well being and for my marriage everyday, several times a day.<p> Keep up the spiritual warfare. <p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky

Hi CJ,<p>I really don't know what it would take at this point for me to want my H back. He has never physically left. We all still live in the same house. I have been working through this for such a long time. I always forgive him, even for the worst offences, however he just keeps repeating some of them. He lies to me and that is one I can't build on. I am and always have been a very honest person and he lies to me about almost everything. The thing I have the biggest problem with is H seems to be very unstable. He will be ok one day or minute and turn mean the next. He rarely appologizes. He just lets a little time go by, without ever saying a word and then gets nice again. He does not like to talk about anything unpleasant. A whille back, I approached him and said, "We need to talk, we have some major problems" His reply, (screaming) was, "NO, YOU HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM, YOU NEED TO LEARN YOUR PLACE AND GET IN IT"! To which I replied, "What is my place"? and He said, "According to who"? I almost laughed at this point because he doesn't want the focus on him at all. I said," according to you" He never gave me an answer. I asked him If I did anything he approved of and he thought for a moment and then said no. He is extremly abusive, mainly verbally,(emotionally and mentally) sometimes he gets going and wont stop. One time when he was in an explosive mood, he wanted me to leave for work and leave the kids home with him. I would not leave till he let them go too because I was afraid of what he might do to them. Anyway, he got in my face pointing right between my eyes screaming loud enough to rattle my brain and I put my hand on his, moved it out of my face and when I did, he slapped my face so hard, into the wall and knocked me out. When I got up, the kids were screaming and terrified, I called work, told them I was coming but would be late, (worked at the school my kids attend then) got the kids and left. I told the schol counselor everything, but the reason I told that part was the other night, he started in on D,14, (All 4 of my kids have ADD to some degree and D especially can be pushed out of control very easily.)I was asleep and something like instinct woke me and I went to see where he was and sure enough he had pushed her over the edge and gain. She was hysterically crying and saying she hated this hell hole she has to call home and when we go to bed, she was going to kill herself. H laughed and told her go ahead, we can't stop you. He told her that 3 times and all the time I was telling him to get out and he got in my face with his finger again. I told him to get out of my face 3 times before he would leave. The whole time he is alternating between screaming and laughing. But I know if I had made a move at all, he would have hit me. This is a guy that I loved with every fiber in my being. He was everthing to me and he has done sooo many things to ruin it. My oldest son,(married now) told him that if he ever hit him again, he would kill him. My 18 yr old S is ready to do something drastic if he does anything else. My D says she hates him and wishes he would leave. Youngest S,17, has never been treated the way the rest of us have, so he doesn't feel quite the same way. As things started coming to light, the kids have started telling me of all the things he has done to them and it makes me sick of what I have recently learned. <p>So, you can see why it is so difficult for me to even want to turn back in his direction. I don't think I can. I spent all of my time for many years trying to forget all of the bad times. Last year I tried to remember everything he has ever done to us so I could get to the point of removing myself emotionally from him. I stopped wearing my ring a couple of months ago. H has Never said anything about it. He won't discuss anything about us, won't tell me what he needs from relationship, well actually he has, he wants me to mind him. He tells me when to go to bed among other things. He show no respect for me as a person whatsoever, shows no respect to kids. He actually acts like he doesn't like anyone. He hates the fact that I like my job. I stayed home raising my kids until 4 years ago. I nearly lost my mind just from being with kids all the time and no adult conversation. The one time I tried to work, I came home one day and there were splinters all over the living room and it was a little paddle. The boys said they had to tell him a lie to get him to stop spanking them. They had to tell him what he thought happened rather that what did. H cannot stand to be wrong about anything. H is 6'4", 265 very intimidating. He is a bully, a dictator, abusive, and he treats people at work the same way. But what he has done through the years is this: He gets really bizzare, then he will get really nice for a while, sometime acouple of months. We all let our guard down and try to be a happy family, then when you least expect it, he cahnges. He knows when to change to keep us from ever getting to the point that we feel we can take no more. It sounds like I must be the crazy one for staying this long and sometimes I wonder myself, but that has also been one of his games. He has tried to convince me that I am the one with problems but I am not. I have had to step back and look at the pattern and know that he is not going to change permantly, that everytime he gets nice and civil again does not mean I can let my guard down and try. I have to get out of here, and soon. I am putting plans into action this week. Will keep you posted. I really feel like I have given this a fair shot and I also feel peace about leaving him. I still feel a bit sorry for him because of how he is. I have just come to realize that I can do nothing to help him. He tries to be very affectionate, still wants sex but I cannot respond to these needs of his anymore. I guess I choose not to respond. It was hard at first but it is something I have to do. I don't want him to get anymixed signals at this point and I want to keep my head straight. Sometimes I really need a hug, just not from him.<p>As far as the peace, my first priority is my relationship with the Lord. Maybe that's why I have this peace. Maybe before I thought it was and maybe it wasn't. It takes a lot of energy and concentration to work on a bad relationship and maybe I really didn't put God first. I know I didn't because the more time I spent in prayer or getting close to God, the worse H became. He didn't even know, but he could sense it. I used to think he was possessed.<p>
Spouses are important, but our relationship with God has to come first. If it is good, the rest can only improve. I'm not saying not to be proactive in marriage, we just have to put God first. And even then, I believe, it may not make a better marriage because the Bible warns about being unequally yoked. I really think people should take more time picking a mate and seeking God's will in this area. Maybe we could all avoid a lot of problems. At any rate, Satan is always here looking to kill,steal and destroy. It's a battle we cannot afford to rest in, or fight alone.

Free Indeed,<p>Hi, I'm back! As I stated in another post, I had to take a break away for a little while. It starts working on you, and I had to take care of a few personal things... me.<p>I've read your latest posts. Has your H ever gone to get counciling? If not, it sure sounds like he could use it. I'm not talking about M counciling, I'm talking about the mental part of it... sounds like he could sure use it. If he hasn't then I would do everything in my power to try to get him to see IC.<p>You sound determined in your resolve to leave. It also sounds like you have tried everything to salvage your marriage. I know the feeling all to well... you can only go so far until you run out of gas.<p>Keep me up to date on your situation as it progresses<p>Oh by the way, it sounded like you need a good hug.<p>(((((((Free Indeed)))))))<p>I'll keep you in my prayers<p>Stay strong!

cajunky,<p>I have a few questions for you if you don't mind.<p>What stopped you, and when did you stop having A's?<p>How long did your A go on for?<p>Was it because your W found out about your A and then filed for D, that made you want your family back?<p>This is a real persnal one, what motivated you to go out and have an A?<p>I agree with you, that you have to put God first in your life. God will lead the path that he has chosen for you. We all make mistakes, God knows I have as well.<p>I believe that since your the WS, and I'm speaking from a BS's point of view... You first need to begin to change yourself and walk the walk with the Lord in your life... you must put him first.
This can can only be done with the Lord's help, you must repent, not only to God, but to your wife as well. Your actions will speak much louder than any word you can probably speak at this point. You must be patient, and never waiver, because if you cannot, your chances to get your family back will diminish.<p>I know the pain it has brought to my family, and the wounds are deep... very deep. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes for it to heal. Keep that in mind, while attempting to get your family back.<p>You sound as you have truly repented. Keep doing it, with the Lord always at your side. If it is meant to be, the Lord will allow you to get your family back... he knows your heart.
Once you have committed to the Lord, only then will you find the inner peace that "Free Indeed" is speaking of [IMHO], it's hard work, but I believe it can be achieved... just look at "Free Indeed".<p>If you feel like sharing, I would be interested to see what you have to say.<p>Stay Strong and may God Bless You Always!<p>Wallace

Thanks for the hug, I needed that!

Free Indeed,<p>No problem on the hug. It's the little things in life that count.<p>Hope your doing well.<p>Wallace

wallace,
I totally agree H needs counseling, however he is the one that has to realize this and go for it. I have talked with him about it in the past and maybe once he agreed but just as quickly disregarded the idea. I have even told my Dr. I think he needs serious help and the 3rd time I told her she said, "I have to tell you somehting, he is so nice when he comes in here, that I didn't believe you". I have had so many side effects from trying to deal with this and no one believing me because he can be very nice when he needs to be. I think inside there is a wonderful person if he could get past some issues and get the help he needs. If he is not going to tho, I can't live like this from now on. I think 20 + years of trying is enough. Maybe this will force him to wake up. He has a VERY hard time admitting guilt, fault or that anything could be wrong with him. His own mother see's what's going on and is very supportive, as she basically went through the same thing with his father. She divorced him 11 years ago, after 40 years of marriage, and he still has not changed. It may be something out of H control, the way he is, but I can't keep doing this. I feel I am worthy as a person and deserve respect and love and someone I can feel safe with and my kids can feel safe with. I may die lonely, may never have that, but I don't want this either. It is such a hard thing to do, especially after all I have invested but I have to stay strong and do what is right for my kids and myself. He has talked to the pastor, brought home a list of scriptures to read, but going on past experiences, this may just be a smoke screen. If I was about to loose my family, and I cared, I would be talking to my H finding what what was wrong and trying to do something about it. He still doesn't talk to me about anything other than you would a complete stranger in passing. I am mostly happy tho, I like myself, I love my kids, have a good job and basically, life is good. I hope it gets better and I can get some relief from this situation soon. It makes it hard when he is being nice because as stated earlier, I tend to forget the bad very quickly. I feel as tho God is sustaining me by a miracle right now and I still have inner peace. I think if I were making the wrong decision here, I would feel differently, since I am continually seeking his will.

--<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Hi Free Indeed,

It sounds as you have truly given up on your M, because "when nothing changes, nothing changes". I can understand where you are coming from.

Sometimes we have to make a decision that is going to be best for us, and in your case it sounds like you are just about there.

It's too bad that your H will not get the help that he sounds like he needs. It must be very frustrating for you. (generational curse? His father acted the same way?)

I know the feeling of frustration, but what are you going to do?

But in spite of it all, you have found the inner peace, and for that I am happy for you.

I'm still seeking mine through the Lord. It's hard not having it.

Stay in touch.

Stay Strong!

Wallace