Wallace....I'll try and answer you questions. <p> I have ask myself what motivated me to have an affair when it seemed I had a great marriage. I have thought about it and I guess the thrill of somebody desiring me and wanting me. I think that is an EN I have that I need to be wanted and complimented. It is an esteem issue I have with myself. The thrill of the sex was also a factor. As you know from my other posts I am a recovering sex addict.<p> All my PA's were 1 time things. That is part of my addiction. I enjoy chase but had no emotional connections with them. <p> My wife caught me after my 1st PA in May of 2000. We went into recovery immediately. She went to Denver Co (both our decisions) to school for 14 weeks in Aug. 2000. I stayed and took care of the kids. She split it up to go 10 weeks and 4 weeks in March 2001. While she was gone I found kentucky (we live here) chatroom and began talking to woman around area. My wife caught me and begged me to stop. She went into deep depression. She came home and then went back in April 2001. I met a woman in same chat room and met her at a bar the next nite and had my 2nd PA. At that moment I knew I wanted my family back and I knew I couldn't do this again. <p> When my wife got back she found MB and went to great links to copy all MB concepts so I could read and work MB system. I looked at it but thought we were doing fine. We were having a blast together just like we always did but we weren't working on marriage.<p> My wife was in the process of putting together a letter, to the pastor, of how happy she had become again when she found out about 2nd PA in Dec. 2001 and that is when marriage stopped. I guess the marriage really stopped when I had 1st PA and especially my 2nd PA. Jan 5 2002 is when I started counseling and started my SA group to start recovery. <p>Today I am 6 months sexually sober [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I became a major MB reader to figure out how my wife felt and what she was going through and what I could do to help or to know when to back off.<p> I have repented to my wife and God. I am walking the walk now and I feel so good about where my life is headed. Just wish my wife was with me.<p> I love her dearly and a lot of damage has been done that will take a long time to heal. <p> I'll just let God do his thing.<p>
Love in Christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Cajunky,

It is unfortunate how your situation has ended up to this point... and thanks for sharing.

Being the BS, It's something that I have been wondering about, as what are the motivations.

I'll give you a little background on my situation.

I've been married for 23 yrs. and I have a S23, D18, and D16.

In the last 2 years of my marriage, WW, has gone completely out of control. She has been home a total of about 6 months in the last two years.

During this time frame, she has stolen thousands of dollars in cash as well as maxing out all my personal credit cards as well as forging checks on my personal checking account.

We have tried to reconcile approx. 14 times within this time frame.

WS left again on April 19th of this year and no one in our family has heard a word from her since (47 days and counting).

During this time we found out that she has had multiple A's with one particular man over the last 2 yrs. Ended up pregnanat by OM, had an abortion, which she forged a check of mine to pay for... and then left.

Prior to that, it all appeared to be a fairly good marriage,(little did I know).

I have filed for D, but still have strong feelings for my WS. I don't know why, but I think as time goes by, they will dwindle.
My children at this stage hate her guts, and I mean that in the literal sense, because of what she has done.

It's a mess.

So that is my short version of my story. There is more that she has done, but I think I've told enough for you to get the idea.

So I know your feelings when you say that you would like to get your marriage put back together again.

I would as well, but the damage that has been done, is so great, only the Lord could find a way for us to ever get back together again.

I wish I some words of wisdom for you at this point, but I don't.

I know, that I could never go out and do this to my W... I know the horrible pain it brings, and I couldn't even fathom the idea of doing this to someone else.

If I recall correctly, your W, is seeing an OM, am I correct on that?

I've put my situation in God's hands, and whatever the outcome is, let it be God's will.

It sounds like you need to go into a plan B and hope for the best. Put it all in the Lord's hands and pray like crazy.

That is what I'm doing (Plan B is not by choice however). I slipped a couple of times and called WS's mother, and of course she says she has not heard a word from her. Of course I'm not buying that line for a moment, so I have ceased all contact.

Be patient, things have a way of working themselves through sometimes.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Wallace.... Yea, as far as I know she is discreetly seeing him. Went to smokies with him.<p> Im getting ready to be planned b'd. She is moving 40 minutes away to work in a clinic that is in her families town. Someone said the other day "distance makes the heart grow fonder." I guess I hope it does.<p> I think everyone here, and she, knows how much I love her. She starts her new job tomorrow and I think I am going to send a congats plant or something. What do you think?<p>
Just keeping it in Gods hands. He will answer my prayers.<p> love in christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Cajunky,<p>I don't think it will hurt anything to send a congrats on her new job to her.<p>Wait, and see what kind of a response you get from her.<p>Wallace<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Hi, Thanks for writing. I have studied quite a bit, in the past, on curses and how to break them. I am interested for the sake of my children as well as H. However, it would take a literal act of God for me to be able to be a wife to him ever again. I have forgiven him so many times for so many things that I fear I have just enabled him to continue on his path of destruction. I saw my C today again. She helps me a lot. I mourned the loss of my marriage for years and have no feelings left for it. I just want to end this and get on with my life, whatever it may be. H is still here, clueless to everything I think. Have tried talking to him to no avail. He can be a total jerk, never appologize or mention it again and after a couple of days is nice again and expects us to just forget and go on like nothing ever happened. I just don't want to still be doing this 20 years from now. I'm am really tired tonight so I probably sound down but I am really doing OK. My C is 60 miles away, and I just got home. I would love to talk more later on the subject tho.
Thanks again

Here is another "out of the box" story I find interestingThere comes a time when things stop working.<p>Time To Let Go<p>"Life's changed," a government official told me not long ago.
"When I took this job fifteen years ago it felt like I'd jumped
into a nice, lazy river. Now it feels like a storm's hit.<p>"The water's cold and it's pounding me to death. My arms ache,
my fingers are numb, and I'm holding on for dear life to an old
rope tied to the dock. My biggest fear's that the rope will break,
or I'll slip and let go. I honestly don't know how much longer I
can hold on."<p>Maybe it's time to let go.<p>And while that may sound crazy, all of us have found ourselves
in a similar situation, suddenly waking up and discovering we're
holding on to what's already over. Knowing we'll continue to
suffer until we finally let go and move on.<p>What are you holding on to? How do you let go?<p>The first step is to realize that you're probably being held
back by a fear of the future that's stronger than any pain in
your present.

Fear, as you'll remember from an earlier newsletter, stands
for False Expectations Appearing Real. That's exactly how our
fearful parts keep us from achieving our potential: they make
disaster movies in our mind, projecting the worst that could
possibly happen if we let go of what we've got. Like a senior
executive I know who scares himself into holding on by picturing
himself becoming homeless and living out of a shopping cart. Or
a woman I know who holds onto a relationship she tells me is
"rotten" because she doesn't want to become the old maid she
sees so clearly in her mind. Question is: what pictures do you
make to keep yourself enslaved to what's over?<p>Step two: understand your options.<p>"I thought I was boxed in," said the former manager of a retail
outlet, "until I had that heart attack and finally began admitting
I did have options, including leaving the job I hated. Now I only
do what I want to do."<p>Third, make a picture of what you want life to be like. Step out
three years into your desired future, look around, and write down
what you see. Describe success, your home, the perfect relationship,
work, etc., and realize you can't get it if you can't see it in
your mind's eye first.<p>Fourth, commit to making the picture happen. And ignore the
little voice in your head that tells you not to burn your bridges.
Playing it safe is a great way to fail. Remember Caesar, who marched
his reluctant troops into battle on an island - and then burned the
bridge back to the mainland. Or Cortez, who helped his soldiers
understand commitment by burning the ships after landing in the
New World. Choose to listen instead to the inner voice that comes
from the part of you that remembers how good you really are - and
has been trying to get you to hear it for years.<p>Finally, pack a picnic lunch and spend a couple of hours in your
local cemetery, pondering your life as you wander through the
gravestones. We're all terminal, you know. It's a matter of
"when", not "if". And if you're not careful, you'll wake up too
late to do the things you've always dreamed of.<p>I still remember a killer line from an old movie -- "Joe Versus
the Volcano"-- which summed things up pretty well. Told he had six
months to live, Joe (Tom Hanks) marched up to his obnoxious boss
and quit his job, saying what's true for most of us: "I was too
chicken to live my life so I sold it to you for $300 a week!"<p>What about your life? Is it finally time to let go of what's
been -- so you can have more of what can be?<p>Let go now.<p>© Pat Lynch, 1999-2002. All rights reserved.<p>Please feel free to forward this on.

Cajunky,<p>I had a very hard time when H had A. I thought I would die. Nothing has ever hurt so much as the initial pain of finding it out. I did come to realize tho, that it wasn't my fault but a problem he had. I choose to forgive him the same day I found out...caught him in the act! What I can't keep doing is living with someone, who I feel like I gave myself to twice, only to be treated like I'm nothing, worthy of nothing but being lied to, put down from every thing from the kind of groceries I buy to how I think, with my head up my a$$ and so on. I feel like I have given him all of me, he was my whole life and I was just a small part of his. I asked him if I did anything right and he thought a minute and said no, not that I can think of right now. If he had been shown he was sincerly sorry for his actions and gave me the love I need and wanted(EN)
I would have loved for this to work out. Now I don't care. I think you are on the right track with your changes you have made and I pray there is hope for your situation. I know if I had felt like my H was grateful for a second chance it would have made all the difference in the world. Keep the Faith!

Free Indeed,<p>Great post!<p>Yes I think in many cases, fear is a huge draw back.<p>I know in my case it was... mostly for my children, I always wanted a marriage that would last "till death do we part".<p>I didn't even want to part when we died, so much for that... I guess.<p>Stay in touch.<p>Stay strong!<p>Wallace

Wallace,
I was reading a story in Readers digest about a man lost in the mountains and ran across this sentence. It pretty much describes what I did in my marriage, and judging from your post, thought you might identify with it also. It said,
"You're trying to make reality conform to your expectations, rather than seeing what is there"
I think a lot of people do this.<p>I pains me to hear all of the problems on here and see people at early stages of problems because they are so far from solving them. Bottom line for me is I am out of energy to try to change a situation and know I can't change anybody, nor do I want to. It would be nice if everyone, myself included, could be what we needed to be, but I'v come to think this is not reality. If I had to do over, I would not have expended so much energy on a hopeless situation, and wasted so many years of my life trying. I guess we don't know if it is hopeless tho, until we exhaust every avenue trying. I am still working on getting out. My H has gotten into buying guns and ammo. Makes out like it's just a hobby, but I am uncomfortable around it. One more way we continue to move in different directions. Not that this is a make or break us situation, as far as I'm concerned, we're broke. I wish I had an easier way out of this. If I just tell him to leave, I don't know how he will react. He did go bezerk the other night, nothing physical, but he scarred me just the same. If I had moved at all, I sure he would have smacked me. I want to just file for D, but don't have the money right now. I am going to tell him that the next it happens I will get a restraining order and have him removed from the home. We both work in different fields of law enforcement, and I really don't want to cost him his job. I aslo want to leave him some dignity to carry on with his life. I just don't know how to do it, be rid of him, and cause us both the least amount of damage. I really don't know why I feel this way, about not wanting to cause him problems, he certainly does't care what he does to me. Any clues or ideas why I feel this way? I am not a mean person, even tho that's the general consensus, according to him. I may have to become heartless, altho that is just not in my make-up.

Free Indeed,

IMHO, and this is based on reading your last post... the reason you don't know how to go about ending your relationship, is because you know the pain it will bring to your H once you begin to move forward. I don't think you want to bring him pain, and that is what is holding you back.

It appears that you have experienced enough pain already, and you neither want to experience anymore and/or you don't want to bring any to anyone else... even though it means that you must continue to live in the pain and frustration that you are experiencing now.

If only more people in the world were as considerate as you.

I think you have the right idea, if things get too out of hand you may have to get a RO.
If it means maintaining your safety as well as your family's. You have to consider what is the right thing to do in order to maintain your family's safety, not what is best for someones carreer, even if it is in law enforcement.

It appears that you are heading in the direction that I am already pursuing (D).

I... like you... tried for years to make reality meet my expectations. I would of been happy if it even had come remotely close to meeting my expectations, but it didn't... and I have come to accept that it's a very bad situation that needs to come to an end. There will be no closure on it unfortunately, because of not being able to speak to W, but there is nothing I can do about that... it's her choice. I believe it is because of the shame and the guilt of everything she has done... I could be wrong.

So, like you, I am not going to spend anymore energy on a hopeless situation.

I'm not sure, if it is better not having her around here, or if it's better that she is already gone. Now that I think about it, I think it's better that she is gone.

We both have one problem... we are both out of energy, but it takes all the energy you have to try to just get it over with.

What is your thoughts on that?

Stay strong!

Wallace

I totally agree. I think it will be easier, in some respects, that your W is already gone. My H is still here and I still can't get any closure. He wont talk. We don't fight or argue, we just do anything. It's getting pretty hard to be inthe same house with someone you cant even relate to, but not as bad as the fighting and arguing.
Now that I feel I'm out of energy, I have managed to stumble into a mess, not of my making, but an energy sucker just the same. Can't go in to any details, but basically, I've stumbled into a drug scene, quite by accident, went to remove my kids from a situation I felt could be dangerous, took a cop with( H went also) ended up being 5 cops, ended up being a BIG deal, guy got busted and is really mad now. Said my kids narked him out. So that is an issue I've been dealing with since last Sun night. Kids went to house sit, casually mentioned to one of their GF's that there was plant and clips in the place. As soon asI found out H and I went to pick them up. I have never done drugs or been around such and don't know how dangerous this could get. Cop told me last night the guy had and lot of guns and ammo. Said he didn't think he would come after us, but he did consider him dangerous. Had a garden in a barn, if you follow. Any experience with this sort of thing? I am not stupid, but have just never dealt with this aspect of life. The guy bonded out last night and is really mad becuase he had to sell his cows to get a lawyer. He probably lost his job, altho I can't officially comment on. What kind of dummy would take a couple of teenagers into a house to stay with plants growing in the first place? Looking forward to hearing ideas on this take.

Responding to comment about not wanting to cause anyone else pain...
I truly don't want to cause him any pain, but see no way to avoid it. I hate pain and even tho he has inflicted a lot on me, I never want to do that to anyone. That's just how I am. To hear H talk, that's all I want to do is hurt him and have my way about everything. Maybe since he thinks I hurt him anyway, it wont be that much diffent when the time comes.

Free Indeed,<p>My D16, just let me listen to a song she wanted me to hear. It's called, "My December"... by Linkin Park. To me... it best describes how I'm feeling right now. It's a sad song IMHO, you might want to give it a listen and tell me what you think.<p>I thought I was correct, when I stated that I didn't think you wanted to cause any pain for those around you. <p>You bring up a valid point though... that if your H thinks you cause all the pain for him anyway, then it's probably not going to make that much of a difference when you leave.<p>By what I'm hearing, and I could be way off base on this one... it sounds like your H is not feeling very good about himself at the moment, for that matter... maybe a very long time.
It sounds like he has a very low self esteem of himself, and uses you and others around him to try to show his self worth. Again, I could be way off base, but that is what it sounds like to me at the moment.<p>When there is no communication between two spouses... the marriage is dead. It sounds like you have been trying to revitalize your M, like I did mine for a very long time, with no communication for a very long time. When my W communicated to me... it was nothing but lies.<p>The person I married years ago, is not the same person she is now. She was a beautiful, sweet, and caring individual way back when. She is still beautiful, but she is ugly on the inside. I don't know when it all began to change, but it did.
She has become a person that I don't know, or care for anymore... I'm sad for myself, my family, and friends that it turned out the way it did... but you can't control someone else... you only have control of yourself. That's why I'm doing a complete evaluation or self assessment on myself right now. I have to heal myself and make myself right in my own mind, before I can make anyone else happy... that may take some time.<p>Concerning the Drug thing, I would be very careful with that situation. People can be very unpredictable, and you never know what anyone is capable of doing at any give time, under the circumstances.<p>I went to my Church support group last night... it makes me sad to hear everyones story.
I told them last night, that I could feel my faith slipping... that bothers me... because I don't want to lose that. I'm fighting the fight of my life right now, and I know I can't start second guessing my faith... there is a lot of fear in me right now, and I can't put my finger on it.<p>I keep praying to the Lord to give me some direction. Maybe it's me, and I'm just not seeing it... don't know for sure.<p>Well stay in touch.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Hi Wallace,
First of all, I think you are right on about H low selfesteem. I think people who have to put others down to feel good, all have that problem. And people who have that problem, constantly put others down. He spends hours, 5 to 10 at a time, playing this stupid computer game where you work your way to hell and kill the devil. How can that be expedient in any way? He has a problem for sure, and even if I build his self esteem, at this point, (I Can't right now anyway) he still has some deep rooted problems and it will only be a temporary fix. You can't continue to fix symptoms for ever. You have to work on the root of the problem. <p>As far as FEAR goes, I will tell you how I have dealt with fear and guilt, maybe it will help, maye not. Since God says he has not given us the spirit of fear, I treat fear as an entity. I have made a concious effert to not let fear have a place in my life. If I find fear creeping in, I ask myself what the real problem is. Fear can be a very debilitating thing to have around. I then try to focus on the sotlution to my problem that is causing the fear. I see so many people on this site and in life staying focused on their problems, rather than the solution. Yes, we have to identify the problem, then work on a solution. It is hard to give up on a marriage we have so many years invested in. Once we decide what we have to do, then we need to focus on the solution. But first we go through steps of grieving our loss, anger, pain etc. I haven't found out how to skip any of these steps. Sometimes on this journey, I have lost contact with God, but I always remember he said he will never leave us or forsake us. I didn't really loose faith, however, at times it was not my main focus. God knows our heart and is patient and kind. I have had to walk out of this in baby steps and the farther I get from the situation,(emotionally), the more I can see reality. Don't be too hard on youself. You will get there. It just takes time. I have been on the getting over it, leaving journey for over a year now. Every now and then I feel I cross a major bridge and what seemed to be the biggest obstacle is now behind me. A new one emerges but they are getting smaller, and I getting past them sooner. As far as guilt goes, I really examine my plans and decide ahead of time how I might feel, should I go through with them. If I can see I will be suffering from guilt, I try to back off and evaluate the situation further and see why I would feel guilt. Guilt and fear can bring life to a hault. I don't like either one of them. I'm not saying I don't experience them, but I try to deal with them as quickly as possible and get them out of my way. Sometimes I have no justification for feeling guilty, for I am guilty as charged. I have to ask forgiveness, forgive myself and get on with my life. <p>Satan can use so many tactics to keep us miserable and for the most part, he is the only one we are battling. He does use other people to get to us, I try to realize this and I think that is why I really don't have any bitter feelings toward the people who hurt me. I don't have time to hold a grudge nor do I want to. I also don't want to spend the next 20 years like the last.
Right now I am focusing on my relationship with God, evalutaing my shorcomings, trying to become a more productive better human being. I have to live with myself forever, I have to like me, love me and be happy with the person I am. I cannot divorce myself! I annot change anyone else. I have some excellent friends( only 3) but they have supported me through this. They don't bash my H, They don't tell me what I should do, they are just there for me, in a way I need them to be. I have learned alot about friendship through this. I hope I am half the friend to them as they have been to me. I hope you can find peace soon, that was my first step to healing and it has been a great relief for me.

Free Indeed,<p>It truly helps to have good friends such as you spoke of to confide in, in your time of need.<p>Unfotunately, my STBXW would get upset with me, if I spent anytime with any of my friends. <p>So after a period of time, my good friends went away, because they knew she would get upset if she saw then at our home. So in essence she tried to isolate me to a degree from my friends. On the other hand, she didn't mind having her friends over, but if they were not a bunch of drunks and they were decent people, I didn,t mind.<p>But it didn't bother me, because I tried to put her in the center of my life as well as my children. I was not perfect, but I was not a bad H either. I did the best I could, and I guess it wasn't good enough.<p>I have been having good days, and then some bad days.<p>I know what must be done... as sad as it all is.
I keep getting closer to the end of the M, and each day does seem to get a little bit easier.<p>Not that I don't have my bad days, because I do. Sometimes I wish for what could of been and not what truly is.<p>That's when I start leaning on the Lord.
I have been going to church, more than ever. I go about 3 times a week, so that is a good thing.
The Lord must have a reason for all of this I'm sure... I just wish it didn't involve so much pain.<p>I and my children haven't heard from STBXW in almost 2 months. I don't understand the cruelty.<p>Don't you just wish you could just make it all go away? I know I do.<p>It sounds like you are holding up rather well, and for that I'm glad.<p>Your focused, and I'm following your lead, with the power of the Lord.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Hi Wallace,
Yep, some days I wish I could jsut make it all go away!! I used to wish it had never gotten to this point, but given the lack of feelings I have, now I just wish there was an easy way to get it over with. <p>I do try to stay focused because it is very hard to work towards a goal effectivly, when you are looking at leaving and hoping about staying. It really sucks your energy. I just try to live as normal as possible right now till I can accomplish my goals and set some new ones.<p> Man, I heave really learned some patients through this. I used to be a person who had to have closure, today on everything, before the sun goes down and now I can't. I never liked going to sleep while at odds with anyone and tried to settle it and forget it by bedtime. Not now. I guess my H is waiting for me to "find my place and get in it" He acts as tho everything is just fine, even tho we have No communication, no touching no anything. I would really like to know how he feels, what he thinks, and what he wants. I would like to be able to talk to him and tell how I feel and why. The instant I ever do try to talk, he gets wild and crazy acting and screaming and yelling in my face and I just am not going to allow him to belittle me like that anymore. He may leave this marriage not ever knowing how I feel or why I can't do this anymore. <p>I too, have my weak days. I don't really wish he would change, because I don't know if I could ever be a wife to him again, the way I would need to be. I would feel guilty for that and then things would just begin to deteriorate again. I am a much wiser, stronger person due to the last 20 years. I at least have that and my kids to be thankful for. As for my friends, they don't come to our home. One lives out of town and we meet for lunch sometimes and talk on the phone, the other one lives here but is gone most of the time working 250 away but we also talk on the phone and work together sometimes. The other one, I just visit with at work. But their support has been super and they are most of the reason I keep going. I disagree with some of the concepts on this site and one of them is not having EN's met by anyone other than your spouse. I'm not speaking of anything physical or sexual. People just have basic needs that need to be met in order to feel good about themselves. Perfect strangers can meet some of your basic human needs and do. I try to accept and appreciate the nice things people do and say and I try to meet some of their needs along the way. I work with the public and I don't even mind grouchy people because we all have bad days and we all need a little lift now and then. Making someone elses day, makes mine.
Well, I am beginning to babble and ramble so I will go and gather my thoughts.<p>I'v read some of you other posts and you do seem to be getting stronger and more accpting of your own situation. You also give out valid advice and I'm sure it helps you see your own life better, talking to others. It sure helps me realize things, talking to others, that I may not have realized otherwise.<p>Take care, I think you are on the road to recovery and healing.

Hi Free Indeed,<p>I can very much relate to your last post.<p>I believe that communication is very essential, especially in a M. When that is gone, the trust factor is sure to go in the not too distant future as well.
Somewhere in my M we lost that.
I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but it did.<p>Having outside friends can meet emotional needs as long as there is a moral set of standards set going into the friendship. <p>My STBXW would drag in the lowest common form of people she could find, and bring them to our home and want me to be friends with these people. Drunks, drug addicts, etc. I pleaded with her to please stop. She wasn't helping these people, she was becoming best of buddies with these people.
My children hated it, and finally I had to tell her no more. So then she started going out to be with them, and the rest is history.<p>You bring up a very touching point. How sad it is, that our Spouses will probably never ever now how we truly feel. It's a shame, because it would be so easy for them to find out, if they would just reach out and be the person that you and I know they could be, but unfortunately they choose not to... It is very painful.<p>Sometimes I'm not sure if I am becoming stronger or just numb to the whole situation in general.
Some of these posts strike very close to home and my heart, and I feel that I need to try to reach out to let them know they are not alone.<p>"I know this pain!"<p>I didn't find this site, until it was too late, like so many others. I agree with most of the MB principals, and there are a few that I don't. But each person can take and leave what they will from it and hopefully it will make their M or situation better.<p>Stay in touch.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Hi Wallace,<p>Hot, rough, day today! Glad to be off work in inside usder air conditioning! It was 106 here today and not likely to let up anytime soon. Oh, well. I get to work the night shift next week and I will love every minute of that.<p>I think in order to begin dealing with our pain, we do become numb. I think that was true, at least, for me. <p>I agree, take what works and leave the rest as with anything. Moral standards are extremely important with friends. My friends that I spend any time with are all female, there again..... moral standards...very improtant. I just try to glean the good from life whenever possible, the bad seeks me out and camps on my doorstep.<p>I am really exhausted these days and it is hard to keep a positive outlook on everything. Right now I'm working on plan B of plan D. I know this is vague, however, must be careful. <p>I took my D and her friends to see Spirit. (The horse animated movie.) I felt rather foolish but, I cried. It felt good to be able to actually experience emotions again. Mine have been packed away for so long and now I am working on getting them operational again. I don't like feeling robotic.<p>Told my kids, on my days off this week, my time is mine. I have got to relax and regroup. I feel like I am running on nerves alone and things just keep hapening, out of my control, to add to my stress.<p>Keep your faith, stay strong for the journey.<p>Have a good day!