Hi Free Indeed,<p>It's hot here too, not only that but we are surrounded by a number of forest fires, which are coming relatively close to the City where I live. <p>I know the robotic feeling real well. Sometimes I feel emotions, and then I try to box them up and not deal with them. I really would like to be able to feel like a real person again.
I don't like feeling numb all the time. I think it takes away a part of you, a part of your emotions that you may never get back. I don't want to walk around for the rest of my life with different parts of my emotions scattered here and there.<p>Went to Church tonight... The theme was "Without love there is no trust". and "Without trust there is no love". it really hit home, it was a good service, it all made sense the way they presented it. I would tell you more about it, but it would take a year and a day. The theme of it pretty much sums it up though.<p>I am getting closer to the final court date I think. The attorneys have all the paper work finalized, I just need to sign them. I'll probably sign them on Monday. Not looking real forward to it, but there is not much else left to do on the D, so I guess Monday it is.<p>It's a chapter in my life that will close, and a new one will begin, so it will be interseting I'm sure to say the least.<p>Just think, if you reach your goal, then you will be doing the same thing in the not to distant future. It still sucks the life right out of you.
I'll be glad when it finally has closure. I need to have closure on certain things as well. I'm not going to get much closure on this particular situation. There has been zero communication from WS concerning our M, as well as the D. while all this has come to light, so it really won't have the type of closure I was looking for.<p>Well hopefully it will cool down for you tomorrow, and you can enjoy your day.<p>Stay in touch!
Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi Laura_Lee,

Oh, what you say is so true.

Satan is working overtime, but with the power of the Lord, he will be defeated.

I'm still fighting the fight.

I'll be sending you an email, I didn't get a chance last night, I didn't get home from Church until late.

Have you in my prayers.

Thanks for sending the word to me.

Blessing to you always.

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Hi guys,
Went to work and got a little ill, came home and decided to check in. Laura and Wallace...I stand in total agreement with both of you. If the divil has us where he wants us and we are no threat to him he is going to leave us alone. Laura, like you, I am getting hit from every direction. H is acting quite smug about something, who knows what and who cares, my boss is on my case for invalid reasons, which I challenged her about, my kids went to housesit for this dude with marijuana growong in his house, he got busted, is mad at them and I have no idea what he will do, but I am standing tall, remaining strong and am at the point all time resistance. It's difficult to remember that satan is our enemy and not these people. We could fight with them, but it does no good. We have to take care of the root of the problem. I don't let people walk on me and I will stand up for myself but I know where the real trouble is coming from. Even tho I haven't had a "partner" for a long time, even tho he is still here, I long for someone to stand with me and be by my side and me by theirs. Maybe someday we will all be in a better situation. <p>Wallace, is there a chance you will have to evacuate, due to the fires?
We have had some big ones here. They were a long ways from us, but the smoke still settled in here really bad a couple of times. No fire danger to us tho. Heck, where I live there is not enough vegitation to keep a fire going.<p>Be strong and resistant. We will survive this and be much stronger because of it!!

Oviously can't spell today.. I posted another out of the box message that I receive called OK Everyone out of the box. Did you guys read it? I found it to be encouraging. I think these out of the box messages are really good, but if you don't automatically include God, they seem to be a little humanistic. It's kind of like we mentioned earlier, take what's good and leave the rest. With this, I take what's good and add some to it.<p>I give God the glory for everything I am able to do, for without him I am nothing and powerless.<p>We would all wither like the grass in those forest fires were is not for God.

Hi Free Indeed,


Sorry your feeling ill, hope you get better quickly.

Sounds like satan is working against you pretty hard here lately.
You have a strong bond with the Lord, he will see that you are comforted through all of it I'm sure.

To answer your question about the fire danger... I live too far into the city for the fires to be a danger at this point. Of course anything is possible, but highly doubtful concerning the fire danger.

Well I'm off to see my IC today. it will be interseting to see what he has to say.

I'll be back a little later on.

Talk to you then.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey All,<p>Well went to see my IC today. He pretty much confirmed things about my STBXW that I already new.<p>She is seeing my IC too, imagine that!<p>Well if she won't seek out the Lord to straighten her life out maybe my IC can point her in the right direction.<p>In a very round about way without actually saying it, The IC hinted that he didn't seem to be very optimistic about any sort of recovery for a person that has acted like her, without they themselves seeking help. The IC said until someone hits rock bottom... then, and only then, is there any sort of chance for recovery... and then he said sometimes they still don't snap out of it... I have to agree.<p>Over the last few days I have had an inner feeling
telling me that I needed to gather up all my strength and finish what I origianly set out to do... end the M.<p>Maybe someday... in God's time... he will heal her and let her be the person she once was... I can only pray.<p>I went ahead and signed the D papers today. I decided not to wait until Monday. So now it's just wait until the final hearing and that should be just about it.<p>I know that this isn't much for MB practices, but you can't paint a masterpiece if you don't have paint.<p>I have left all of my marriage in the hands of the Lord. If it's his will... then maybe someday my M will be restored.<p>Stay in touch!<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Free Indeed,<p>I saw your post. <p>I really like those Out Of the Box stories.<p>Most of them really hit home.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Hi Wallace,
I have to say I admire you for doing what you feel has to be done. It may not be the most popular opinion around here, but the bottom line is we have to make our choices. Sometimes we just don't have much to work with. I loved your line about the masterpiece. Maybe because I am an artist and could really identify with it, who knows. At any rate, that is the truth. I think I will feel much better when I am able to complete my plans. Even tho it is what I want, I am still afraid of how H will react or what he will do. And, in spite of everything, I do not want to cause him undue pain. I used to wish he could feel mine, but I don't even wish that now. Vengance is pointless as far as I'm concerned, but on the other hand I don't want anymore either (pain). I want to do this when I am feeling strong enough to stand the pressure that I'm sure I will inflict on both of us. Does that make any sense?<p>My counselor thinks my thinking is messed up for still considering his feelings. I'm working on it but just haven't gotten to the point that I can have total diregard for him. Don't know if I ever will. Time will tell.<p>Hang in there, you are in my prayers.

Hi Free Indeed,<p>Thanks for the compliment on the masterpiece statement. I use to be an artist... I was given a partial scholarship to College for a drawing I did of a Bluebird that I drew in Pastels. They hung it up for display and someone stole it... go figure. They must of really liked it whoever stole it. I never did get it back.<p>As sad as it all is, we must eventually come to a crossroads. It's times like this, that can either make you or break you.<p>In my heart I don't think I could ever let go of all of the pain that I and my family have endured, especially in these last 9 months. I can forgive, but I can never forget. It's time to put it away, and begin healing.<p>I know it's not over by far, but I keep getting closer, as each day passes by.<p>I know in your heart that you don't want to endure or cause pain for you or anyone else. IMHO, I think if your IC were to experience the pain we have all felt, and know, your IC may have a different point of view as far as sparing anyone pain, even if it is your H's.<p>I sense you are holding back from leaving because you don't want to cause anyone pain... that you are so use to experiencing the pain yourself, that you would just as soon let yourself endure the pain rather than leave your family... correct me if Im wrong.<p>I'm going to write some of the lyrics to that Linkin Park Song, (My December), that I was telling you about. Tell me what you think... if it makes any sense to you, or if I'm just completely cracking up. It's better with the music.<p>This is my December.
This is my time of the year.
This is my December.
This is all so clear.
This is my December.
This is my snow covered home.
This is my December.
This is me alone.<p>And I.<p>Chorus; Just wish that I didn't feel like that there was something I missed.
And I.<p>Chorus; Tell me a couple things that I said to make you feel like that.<p>Repeat Chorus;<p>And I Give it all away.
Just to have somewhere to go to.
Give it all away.
To have someone to come home to.<p>This is my December.
This is my snow covered tree.
This is me pretending.
This is all of me.<p>And I.
Chorus repeats itself;<p>This is my December
This is my time of the year.
This is my December
This is all so clear.<p>There's a little more to the lyrics that repeat. It's not a Christmas song. <p>O.K., I'm cracking up. But listen to it with the music playing and tell me what you think.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Hey there,
Good song. I would like to hear it with the music.
Sorry about the blubird pic. Mybe when things settle down for you a bit, you could go back to your art work as a hobby? I ahven't done anything for several months. Another sore spot with H. He hates for my art supplies to be in the house. Even tho he has a shop and keeps filters, tools etc in the bookcase in the LR. Even tho I have not taken the final plunge, each day, I too, am closer to getting through all of this. I may have a chance to talk to atty. this next week. H is working out of town for 2 weeks. Will be home on w-ends. This will give me some down time to unwind a little and get a few more things in order. I feel sneaky doing things this way, but my C says I need to be really careful about revealing my plans to him. She says to talk to an atty and follow their direction. He may surprise us all and be glad it happened, depends on his mood at the time. Gotta run, take the boys to get something for a lunch, they are working today in a nut field of somesort.
Take Care

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Morining!<p>I am so glad to hear you guys say that you feel it was God's will to divorce. I have been struggling with that very thing for a long time. Everytime I pray about my marriage I get the same answer. LEAVE HIM! I always have peace about this decision. It is when I start to think on the line of saving this marriage, I loose my peace and feel sick inside. The word says in the mouth of 2 or 3 witness let everything be established. I am calling you 2 my witnesses. I used to think H was possessed, but have been able to discern spirits in others but can't put my finger on this one. There is something evil in our midst tho. I feel that he needs deliverance from something that he has willing gotten into and refuses to admit to himself & God and refuses to give up. Don't have a clue what it is, just a feeling I have. Something has a hold on him, even when he tries to be a nice person, he can't pull it off for long. I sense danger, but don't know if it is coming from what I don't know or what I do know.
Have a GREAT DAY!

Hi All,

laura lee,

I believe that the inner voice telling me to finish what I had already set out to do (D), was the voice of God.

I truly believe God told me to keep moving forward with it, and not turn back.

There is reasons for everything... I'm sure the Lord has one for this as well

My W has had a PA, so I am allowed in the Lord's eyes to D her. So I am going to release her from our marriage, and pray that she seeks the Lord's guidance.


Free Indeed,

If your H can keep his tools in your house, then you should be able to keep your painting supplies in there as well, that's only fair.

If you file for a D, please make sure it is truly what you want to do. I know it is a very difficult time your in right now, but you need to be careful... based on what you have told me in your past posts. On the other hand, like you said, your H may be relieved to hear you want out. I wouldn't bet on it though. Once you tell him, maybe he will change into the person you use to know and love.

By the way, the song is better when you hear the music.

May the Lord Bless you all.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi guys,<p>I'm sure of one thing, I can't do this much longer and I am hitting an all time low. I feel like I am on a downhil spiral right now. I think I am starting to get depressed. Don't feel like doing ANYTHING. Just pray, I know I will bounce back soon. <p>LL, I think you have a revelation there on your last post. He wont go to church, even tho he has talk to pastor I think mainly for appearance sake but maybe some of it will stick. I have peace about leaving him, just at this moment I don't know what to do next. I guess I am venturing into satan's camp because everything is so confusing. Not about staying or leaving, but what to do next. I just wish I had the means to go and file but maybe it's not in God's timing just yet, I don't know. Keep me in your prayers please cuz I really need them right now. Later

Hi. I swear the moon has some effect on emotions!! Wasn't there an eclipse the other day? Makes me remember that song by Bonnie Tyler in the early 80's "Total Eclipse of the Heart".<p>I have been trying to detatch/let go of something. . .anything that will give me peace of mind. I copied & pasted some internet articles or excerpt from books. I was doing better. I dont want to react everytime my H might even say "hi" and misread that as some sign. He will only turn around & tell me "I don't want to give you the wrong idea". I was taking each day as it comes, going with the flow, not too focused on where H is or what he's doing - trying to reach a to heck with it attitude. <p>I have stuggled so hard. I too have been very down yesterday and today I just want to dig a hole & climb in & hide. Self esteem? Confidence? what are those? I have none & dont know where to begin. I feel like this useless worthless physical mass of blob. Like there is no special talent/skill I have that everyone else on the plant can do 1000 times better. ANd yes, I AM taking antidepressants for 1 year now. They were working great til yesterday. Blame it on the moon! Even chocolate is no solace today!<p>Speaking metaphorically, someone was talking about a boat trying to sail against the wind. Its too rough & a struggle. (That & the old Bob Segar song - hence the new user name!) Anyway, I was watching the birds at the lake on a day of a gentle breeze. They stay up over the dam and just glide in the breeze, no flapping of wings. Just there, gliding smoothly. So thats what I want to do. This old boat is tired of being overturned & capsizing & I'm trading her in for a hand glider!!<p>Hey, Wallace? Got any science background? There is a book out there about the bodies physical reaction to stress called "Why Zebras Don't get ulcers". But I hear though its funny, its somewhat technical comparing stress reactions in animals vs. humans. Get that "Rebuilding Your Relationship" book by Robert Fisher. That and "In the meantime". I need to go read them again.<p>I think the only thing keeping me half sane is that I got a new job last November & am allowed to attend seminars & workshops that I never was before! They are fun & enjoyable & a nice break. I have to create a lot of flyers, brochures, newsletters & attended workshop recently. Loved it. Darn though, I should've gone to school for graphic arts!! It almost makes me want to change my focus!! I have a good eye for aesthetics, now I just need to let creativity out of the bottom of the cage its been in for about 20 years!!

Hi All,

laura lee,

I'm in full agreemnnt with what you are saying. Of course nothing surprising there... I am always in full agreement with you.

I'm having a hard time typing today so bear with me.

My STBXW was, and I use the word was... a devote Christian. She knows the word and has chosen to ignore it and take the selfish path, for her own humanistic pleasures with total disregard for the word of God and her family.

Yes, I do believe that it is getting darker... I have felt the darkness growing for sometime now. Way before any of my troubles started concerning my M. It grows daily, and I can feel it all coming to a conclusion in the not to distant future. Life as we know it, will not continue done the path it is on. Many years ago I sought the Lord, because of this very fact. So it is written... So it shall be.


Free Indeed,

When I read your post I thought I was on the wrong thread. I had to reread it.

Don't falter now, you need to stay strong in this time that you are involved in.

We all have our good and bad days. (boy don't I know that) and you just have to go with the flow for the time being. Tomorrow is a new day. It will pass... try and keep a positive attitude, and find something you enjoy doing for a little while just to take your mind off of what is bothering you.

Give it to the Lord, and let him comfort you.
Pray, pray, and then pray some more.

Don't go in a funk, it's hard to pull yourself out of it if you do. Just try to think of things that please you, and try to focus on that and stay focused on what God wants for you. He truly wants you to be happy. He knows your pain, and suffering, and if you hand it over to him, he will release you from it.

I'm going to Church in a little while, I'll have everyone there say prayers for you.
Don't drop on me know... I need to know that you are going to gather your strength to keep going.
I know it's hard, yesterday was very hard for me, but I'm still standing... it's a new day, and God has allowed me to be a part of it. It may not be one of my best days... but I still feel blessed that he has allowed me to be a part of it... and for that I am thankful.

It's the little things in life that truly make life worth living.


AgainstTheWind,

I don't know if it's the moon or the stars, but there is a definite darkness that is starting to cover this planet. Things are changing, and not for the better.

I'm not a scientist, but I would be interested in hearing a little more about the books you mentioned.

Don't think of yourself as some sort of less than life human being. You are special, and you want to know why? Becasue God loves you.

I know all about loosing your self respect, self esteem, etc. It is a normal feeling of emotions that we have and that we run through our system from top to bottom. It's part of the rollercoaster ride.

I'm taking all of those emotions and feeling back. I'm tired of feeling that way.. If you are tired of feeling that way as well... then go get it back, by doing the things that you enjoy... with people you enjoy. It is going to feel ackward at first, but take it a little at a time. Don't beat yourself into the ground. Say a prayer to have God come into your heart, and have him walk with you while your regaining these things that you have lost. It's comforting to know that you are not walking alone. it will make you stronger as a person. It will also help you get through the most trying of times.

Stay in Touch!

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Good morning!<p>Well, I'm hoping today proves to be a better day. My mind is a little clearer. I still don't feel great but I do think it is more physical, than mental or emotional now. Have had a virus I guess, and it just takes away all of your energy. I should know better by now, that when you are tired, for what ever reason, it is not the time to think on heavy things. Sometimes it just starts seeming like I will never get a day to just relax and rest. I think I just need that more than anything. Thanks for all the support and prayers and I appologize for whining yesterday. It just seems like everytime I nearly get "mu ducks in a row" they stampede!!

Free Indeed,<p>Glad to hear that you are doing better, I know how you feel.<p>I'm in a funk today... had some kid issues come up and it just seems everything is going in the wrong direction. Nothing with the kids, just legal garbage that is getting out of whack.<p>I think I'm going into a depression, but I can't say for sure.<p>Was at Church last night, and we said some prayers and talked... but things just seemed off, I don't know why.<p>Trying to deal with it, and the kids are really trying to cheer me up... they are good kids, I love them all dearly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace