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Hey Wallace,<p>I really feel like we can focus on this stuff for so long without loosing heart at times, but it is our life right now. I am so looking forward to getting past this stuff we have dealt with for so long. Ewpect we will still have problems, don't know anyone who doesn't, but wont it be nice to be rid of these that we are so tired of?<p>Hope you find your way out of your funk soon. I have been considering an antidepressant. I have taken them in the past and they do help me. Was doing pretty good till lately. My C thinks it will help, especially when things come to a head. <p>Isn't it funny how we can sympathise with others and offer advice, but it is so hard for us to heed our own advice?<p>I'll be praying for you, that this doesn't last too long this time. We have to have time to regroup and become strong again every so often.<p>Take Care and hang in there.

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Free Indeed,<p>When I went to see the IC this week. He gave me some to try (anti-D.), not sure if I want to take any. He must of known something, otherwise I don't think he would of given me any.<p>I know what you mean about being able to function on one day and all of a sudden, your in a funk.<p>This stuff gets to you after awhile... it starts dragging you down. It would be nice if you could take a break away from it, without thinking about it all the time.<p>Well hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. boy do I hope so.<p>Stay in Touch.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

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Hi guys,
Not much new to talk about here. Just wanted to wish all fathers and Happy Father's Day. <p>Will be back later!<p>Have a great day!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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Free Indeed,<p>Thanks for the Father's Day greeting.<p>Things are going a little better today, a lot better than yesterday.<p>How has your day been? Hopefully it's a good day.<p>Stay in touch!<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

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Good morning,
Yes today does look much brighter. Worked the graveyard shift and have a meeting at 9am. It is 7 here now. Will have been up for about 30 hours by the time my meeting is over but H is gone all week so I feel very relaxed. I don't have to worry about what he is saying to the kids to further damage their self esteem everytime he talks to them. <p>D gave him a father's day card that said,"Dad, I wanted to give you something that you've wanted for a long time" and on the inside it said," but I don't know the answer to Whats wrong with me.
Maybe he got a hint. S gave him a CB radio and he handed it to him and H didn't even take it from him or say thank you. He just said "oh". I asked him if he thanked hem for it and H said,"No, he had to leave" How long does it take to say thank you??? It pains me deeply to see them treated this way. They say they don't care because they don't expect anything from him, but it is bound to hurt them. <p>Later,
FI

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Hi Free Indeed,

Sounds like you are moving right along, and staying pretty busy... that is probably a good thing.

It's too bad your H has got to treat your family like that. It's cruel, my STBXW is like that as well. Then she wonders why the kids don't like her... go figure.

Well if your working the graveyard shift, your probably sleeping right about now.

I got a call from my BI yesterday, told me my MI saw my STBXW out with some man with red hair... I really don't want to hear about what she is, or is not doing. She has caused enough grief all ready... I just want to get on with my life and get this D over with.

Well you have a good day.

Stay in touch!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

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I know what you mean about not wanting to hear about W's activities, that is one of the things I am dreading. I'm also getting over feeling so sorry for my H. Lately I'm going through being angry with him for what I feel like is, forcing me into a situation I never want to, or counted on being in. I know myself and I wont stay mad forever (I couldn't hold a grudge if I wanted to). It seems like such a waste of time, but that's partly why I'm still with him. I starting to see it's ok to want out without feeling a lot of negative emotions about him. I can forgive him, and have, but I can't do this to us from now on. Does that make much sense.<p>I used to worry that maybe it was my fault and I wasn't seeing it and was afraid to make a decision based on that. It's not all his fault things are as bad as they are. But I can say I have not broken the vows, he has. A lot of our problems hinge on perseption. He cannot understand that, my not being able to be his submissive wife has to do with the way he treats me. I have found with a control freak(that's what I call him)the more you try to please, the more they want to control. I always think of him a Hitler because he is so controling. Just found out recently they share the same B-day. Just a quirk, but kind of a weird one. I still wish him no pain or suffering and I really hope he can get the help he needs to be a happy, well adjust human being. Like it is now, he will never be happy. But I guess that is out of my control, other than praying for him. <p>I just got home from my meeting and have been up for a very long time and am going to bed now.
Have a Good one!!

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Just saying Hi.
Still dragging along in limbo land. H has not mentioned anything about finding an apartment or moving. I have been spending lots of time outside of home with friends & their kids, when Im not working. & had a childs birthday party & going away party to go to. Next weekend is another childs birthday party. H noticing I am gone. He was actually home before me one or two times!! and asked me if I had worked that night? (Nope). Mowed the lawn & did some other around the house maintenance!!! Whats up with that? But told me to do some too, that it was MY house!? (not yet its not, until he files & signs mortgage waiver) which I think at the rate he's going, may be never. I am trying to detatch & be me. But it is very hard. It is a daily battle for me, not to fall back into the being the housekeeper/maid routine & begging/pleading or being a pathetic basket case around him, crying. Havn't been that way outwardly in a while, but still feel like that inwardly.<p>Someone told me to think of him as "Insignificant", since that's how he treats me - like I'm invisable & not there. I cant believe still, he treats me this way. I see it plain as day & cant believe it! Desperate to know/ understand the WHY of it all. & yet may never know why. I guess I had an emotional relapse last week self esteem & lonliness wise. But nothing he would've seen or noticed. I wish he would just stay & work on the marriage (go out of his way to show me I could trust him ever again & agree to counseling). But I'm not holding my breath or even hoping for that much anymore. That or have him move out & file & leave me the house so I could get on with my life, instead of being stuck. The physical clutter in the home & emotional clutter of my brain have taken over. Ugh! I dont feel like doing a thing, except crawl under some rock & be left alone. ANd I AM taking antidepressants. They were working great, but I think I must've reached a plateau on them or something. Recently upped the dosage some.<p>I need to go work on yard. I've been telling myself that for 2 months but usually arrive home, eat & collapse into bed on Mon & Wed & 1/2 Sat. Even at friends lately, my mind has been elsewhere. Maybe not even about him, I'm just not "in the moment". <p>Person also told me, this is like a death, but at least when someone does die, they are buried and there is a finality to it. She told me to liken my H to a corpse that is just there rotting & has a stench & for me just to bury it!! and move on!!
She does have a point. But the bodie's emotional regulators just won't comply!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And its only Monday! Jeepers. I am just plain TIRED. Every which way. I want off the rollercoaster! Need to go back & reread some books.

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AgainstTheWind,<p>Boy can I relate to how you are feeling today. My H started doing things around the housse and acting like he cared more shortly after I wrote him off emotionally. I felt angry about it, because if he could change I felt like he could have done it before it was too late. Talked to C about it and she says it's just another form of manipulation and that's why I feel that way. I tried to give H the benefit of the doubt about his motives, even tho at this point I felt I could no longer go back but only move forward.
It was short lived tho, as soon as H saw he couldn't control my actions by his manipulation he got defensive, angry and ugly and nasty again. His biggest problem with me is he says I don't mind him. He tells me when to go to bed, what is should do about this or that. If it were up to him, I would just be his puppet, with no mind of my own. I know this probably makes me sound like a head strong, do what I want kind of person. I'm not that way. I would love to have shared my deepest feelings, my desires, and my fears with him as well as hopes for a future, but he didn't want to hear it. But do you know where being trusting, giving, submissive, caring got me? nearly NUTS!!! He took everything I trusted into this marriage with total disregard and did what he wanted. We would work through it and he'd do something else. No, I wasn't a perfect wife but I spent most of my time trying to get over the hurt and pain of dealing with what he did to me. And believe me, there was PLENTY. OK, I'm getting an attitude that is not going to benefit me in any way going on here so I'm going to quit for tonight. <p>Take Care All
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Hey All,<p>Sorry I have been so unresponsive, but I have some real garbage going on aound me.<p>I don't know where to begin , so I won't bore you with the details.<p>Free Indeed,<p>I know your not going to like this, but don't give up on your marriage, not yet anyway. I feel if you try a good hard Plan A... who knows it may just work.
Tell your H, that you don't like this or that. I strongly believe in communication. I don't want to see your Marriage go down the drain. I feel that strongly about Marriage. Yes, I could be all wet, and I probably am, but please for me, just give it one more try. It may turn things around.<p>I know the pain there is when your Mariage falls apart. I would do just about anything to turn back the hands of time. Was I a bad H, no... but I wasn't perfect either. Most woman would have given their eye teeth to have what I had put into our Marriage. It just was never good enough. She kept raising the bar on me. Could I have walked away and found another woman to focus my attention on. Yes, I could of, many many times, but I didn't. Why? because I loved my STBXW, and I took my vows very seriously.
Just think very seriously about your marriage, before you walk away from your it... is truly what you want?<p>AgainstTheWind.<p>My heart is with you, for I know what you are enduring. It is very, very, painful... and I know your pain.
I don't know enough about your situation to really give any advice or comfort at this point. I know your trying to spell it all out, and I'm trying to piece it all together... I don't know... maybe I'm a little slow these days because of what is happening in my life.
Keep posting, and eventually it will click for me.
I know that you should put it in the Lord's hands, and let him work it the way he sees fit.
Have you tried a good Plan A yet? If so, then you need to make yourself a little more unavailable to his needs without stirring up to much of a commotion<p>Yes it is like a death only worse. It would of been better that they had died in my case... it brings closure to a marriage that you can look back on your time with them with great fondness. When you add in lies, A's, deceit, and etc, etc... the death is still there because they are no longer with you. It's all the other garbage that is added to the death that makes it that much harder for closure... if you can get any type of closure at all... a lot of people can never get closure on a situation such as this.<p>My marriage is a shambles, so I don't know if I can give any worthy advice at all at this point. I will try... based on the things that I have learned, and the mistakes that I have made, and learned from. I am not a novice trust me... I haven't been on these boards that long, but I have come a long way with my journey to know some of the do's and don'ts.<p>Stay strong!<p>Wallace<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

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I have a question for you Wallace. Is it because of the pain yopu go thru w/divorce, the commitment to vows, or are you reading something in my posts that sound like that is what I want the reason for your statement?<p>I have been wondering if I'm going in the right direction for sure, but when I try to work on saving the marriage or even thinking aboutit, I get a terrible dark cloud over me and it just doesn't feel right. I have struggled with this for some time. My mind reminds me of things like vows, forgiveness, unconditional love, but my inner voice says it's not going to happen that way. I'm waiting on a sign or revelation I guess, from God on what to do here, because I really don't have a clear cut idea at this point. I want whatever is best for us in the long run. I'm not looking for an easy way out, because I truly believe there in not one. Right now I just have to wait upon the Lord because I am standing somewhere that has no roads leading anywhere from this point. I feel like as I take this journey, the road behind me is disappearing as I move forward, but the road in front of me only appears as I take steps forward. I guess I'm learning something, just don't know what it is yet.<p>Some days are diamonds, some days are coal.

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Free Indeed,

To answer your question... it's all of the above that you stated. Pain of the D, not so much marriage vows, as you indicated that your H had an A. If that is the case, then you are allowed to D your spouse if your Spouse has been unfaithful (Mathew [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . So if that is what is holding you back then I wouldn't worry about that part of it.

In your last post, IMHO it appears that you do in fact want your marriage to work, but as you try to make it work your H backslides on you and your back to where you have always been... stuck and frustrated.

I'm sure you have done Plan A, and it appears that is not working for you, am I right about that one?

So if that is the case, then it appears you are moving to Plan B?

If you feel that Plan B might shakes things up and put things in a positive direction, no matter what the outcome, then I would move to Plan B.

I would only consider D as a last and final option.

I know you feel stuck, and not going anywhere in your M. It is a horrible feeling, especially when you have tried everything you can to make it work.

I do know one thing though as sad as it is... once you start the D, it's very difficult to turn back and remedy anything. I'm sure it happens (reconciling). It did for me, but only for a little while. I think I was being used more for financial reasons, than a true reconciliation.

Just some thoughts, not sure if it helps any concerning your M.

But as you stated, put it in God's hands and he will lead your way for what path he chooses you to take.

Stay in touch!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

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<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

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<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

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Evertime I have jumped into this site today, it's been posting my last post. I don't know why, but it is.<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

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Free Indeed,

I had to put my D on hold today. The attorneys are just wasting time, and they said with all the things they are doing it's not really going to change anything. I'm still going to have to pay her a ton of money after it is all said and done with.

Not a good day, I'm feeling kind of down again. You spen all this money and you are still going around in circles, oh well.

They said to let her file and go from there, so that is what I'm going to do I guess.

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

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So you afe basically still in limbo, with this on hold. I wish I had the money to even file. I barely make enough to get by from payday to payday. Of course H always manages to have enough to get what he wants. New computer stuff all the time, new guns, tons of ammo. He pays our utility blls and acts like he is doing so much. I spend more than that by far on houshold items, soap etc, food, clothes for kids. I guess it wouldn't hurt a thing at this point to tell him exactly what I need from him, in all areas to make this work. It will definetly tell me what he wants and how bad he wants it. The only thing that really botheres me, Wallace, is I don't know if I can be a wifeto him again. I'll definetly be the one need therapy if I even consider it. His A's were not average affairs, he has done some pretty weird things, and the only way I have ever gotten released from the agony it caused me was t write him out of my heart. I really don't know if I can go back. Just typing this has caused great emotion to erupt within me. I'm worn out, tired, emotionally depleted and sad. I would bewilling to give it another shot if I thought I could live up to what I need to be for him. The other path doesn't look anymore promissing, but less painful.<p>I just don't feel like I have the right to expect him to be a certain way to give this another shot and put a lot of effort into it and then I can't come through to hold up my end. I don't know if I should stop considering that or what . I really don't know what to do right now, so I'm not doing anything.

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Free Indeed,<p>I understand how you feel now, and I'm sorry if I brought up any triggers for you... I didn't mean for that to happen.<p>It is very hard to accept what your Spouse has done during your M, when you have always held steadfast in your M. I know of what you speak and it hurts and cuts to the bone. <p>I wanted to end my M, because of the horrible things my W has done and is still doing. I don't want to be associated with it any longer.<p>It's going to cost me a small fortune to get out of my M... with or without my attorneys.<p>Go figure... you can go out and do all these horrible things, and then turn around and be rewarded for all the pain and suffering that you have brought to everone associated with it just because your married to them or your a son or daughter.
I don't get it... there has got to be a better way.
They have made it too easy for people to just destroy innocent people's lives and then get rewarded for it. That is another reason why I put it on hold. If she wants the money bad enough then she is just going to have to shell out her money to get it as well. I can't just hand her money for being the person she is. I am not going to make it that easy for her.<p>Maybe this is God's will, I don't know what the reason behind it is, but I'm folowing it. Maybe in the near future it will disclose itself to me.<p>I don't want her back, but I still have some feelings for her, and I don't understand why. I know that it can never be the same, in fact it has got a whole lot worse. It's as bad as it ever was.<p>Only time will tell I guess.<p>I think if you pray long and hard, the Lord will disclose his path to you. I know your confused, but I think you are pulling it together to make the right decision. Let it be God's will.<p>Stay in Touch!<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

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Good Mornng!!<p>I was thinking of your situation yesterday and thinking the same thing you wrote about. It's not fair for people to be able to do that. In fact it down right stinks!<p>I am feeling much better today. The only way I have peace is when I'm moving forward with my plans. Nothing brings me down like thinking about trying to salvage this. I have prayed for so long to do the right thing and for God to speak to me and I always seem to get the same answer...Leave.<p>I still feel this is what I have to do and who knows, maybe that's the only thing that will bring H to a place that God can work in his life.<p>Don't worry about what you say to me. I appreciate you caring enough to even talk to me. As far a triggers go, well, that's something we are all going to have to deal with. But you did not hit any so don't feel bad about it.<p>I'm feeling strong again and I know what brings me down and it's not you or anyone else. <p>Thanks for everything
FI

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Free Indeed,

I'm glad to hear that your feeling good today.

I'm also pleased that I didn't hit any triggers.

I was a little worried there, when you said it brought up painful emotions.

It is also good to hear that you are allowing God to lead your way on this. If that is what he is speaking to you... then you need to follow that path and continue with your plan.

There comes a point in time when you have to say, "enough is enough"!

Right now I'm stuck in the muck, and can't seem to move. It bothers me, that I now have to leave this in the hands of my WW.
I can't call her STBXW at the moment because nobody knows what is running through her head.

We both know that our M is over I'm sure of that. But what and how long it will take her to do anything is anybody's guess.

The attorneys said that without contact or knowing where she is, we are fighting a loosing battle... so we wait and let her make her move... ball is in her court now.

Puts everything in a very bad situation.

I need to move on... this will drive you nuts the longer it lingers.

Well there must be a reason for it. I put it in God's hands, so I will just have to wait and see. It wears you down... mentally and physically... and I'm in pretty good shape too.. but it is getting me down.

Are you getting any closer to initiating your plan?

Stay in touch!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

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