Wallace -
Was the embezzeling per or post "A"? Wow, just when I thought you had been rung through the mill, I get more info. that is just as shocking as the stuff before. I knew that she ran up your credit cards but didn't know that she filed for bankruptcy. I'm sorry. That has to be tough. Keep fighting you know that when this is all said and done with you will be able to hold your head high. You did all the right things and they are the ones that chose the path that they took.
I see my STBXH hitting bottom here shortly. My IC said sometihing funny to me that last sesion that I had with her. What OP would want the problems that our WS's have? I don't get it myself. I guess they deserve each other if they can't see it.
Hang tough and one step at a time.

Is This A Bad Dream,
To answer your question as far as the embezzlement being pre or post "A", I don't have the answer for that.
I keep getting more and more info on her, that just knocks your socks off.
Make no mistake about it, I've been run through the mill and then some.
Just when you thought you have heard it all... you haven't.
I'm not looking for this info on her either, people are coming forth and voluntarily giving me this information on her... now that they know I'm really getting rid of her for good.
The question I have to ask myself is, "where were these people with their info while all this was going on"?
If you were to look at my STBXW, you never... in a million years... would believe... that she was capable of doing the things she did. I'm having a hard time believing it all, and I was with her for 23yrs... and you think you would know someone after 23yrs of "M".
It's like being run over by a tractor trailer.
It's taken every ounce of my energy just to try to cope with it all and still try to function as a normal human being... and the ride is not over with yet.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hello All -
Wallace - so sorry to hear about all the garbage you have to put up with. We would have been married 23 years this Sept. I know exactly how you feel about believing that our WS's would be capable of this. Even mutual friends that we had can't believe that this is the same man that I married. I cut all communication with OW's H right after D-Day. Didn't need to hear news that wasn't going to be beneficial to my emotional state.

I feeling emotionally drained today. Don't want to dwell on this so will probably just step away for a couple of days and get my head straightened out. I do have my appt. with IC tomm. so that will be helpful as well. Hang in there and I will be back in a few days.

Free - Are you still out there? Hope things are going the way that you want.

ATW - What did the Dr. have to say? Are things any better at the Ranch? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Is This A Bad Dream,
I can't blame you for wanting to get away from all of it... it does take a lot out of you.
I had to do it myself several times... it just gets to you... your name fits the actual feeling of what we all feel at times, if not all the time.
I did a major LB today. I called my MIL and told her to tell my STBXW that I have every intention of "Divorcing" my STBXW.
I think they think I'm bluffing. She tried to tell me that she still has not heard a word from my WW.
I told her to forget the act, that she can tell my WW to get her attorney into gear because this "D" is going to happen with WW involved or not.
Had to vent a little bit.
Stay strong!
Wallace

Hi all,
Yep, I'm still here. Just busy last couple of days. Things aren't going anywhere because I am a whimp! My best friend told me I need to be 10 ft tall and bullet proof. I'll get there someday I hope. Anyway, here is another out of the box stories for you guys.I'll tell you what ticks me off," Charlie grumbled, more
than a little upset. "It's all those folks in charge screwing
us over! It's like we were some kinda dummies for trustin'
'em and thinkin' they had our best interests at heart!"

Well duh!

But the real reason Charlie's mad is because all the scandals
slapped him hard and forced him to wake up and smell the sewer.
They made him get real and tell himself the truth about what's
been going on for a very long time and they shattered his
comfortable little illusions about the way the world works...

...and for that, Charlie hates them!

Because now he's got to quit giving his power away to all
those people and institutions he's always trusted...and begin
running his own life and trusting himself. You know, making
his own calls, doing what *he* knows is best regardless of
what "they" tell him.

Because "the screwin'" Charlie finally woke up and saw...is
true: most of the folks in charge really *don't* care about
you and haven't for a long time. Money's the name of the game,
and their job's to get as much of yours as they can...as fast
as they can.

That's why they screwed most everyone involved with Enron...
why stock analysts at major brokerage houses keep telling us
to buy stocks they know are in the toilet...why Arthur Anderson
got convicted...why WorldCom cooked the books...

...and it's why Martha Stewart, the queen of K-Mart, allegedly,
did a little insider trading.

All to pocket more of our money...which wasn't hard because
most of us make the huge mistake of trusting "them"...instead
of trusting ourselves.

So this morning it's time to change that. That's right, it's
time to start trusting yourself and to tell the folks who've
been running your life and controlling your wallet...including
the corporations, churches, governments, friends and family
who keep telling you "they" know what's best for you...

...that it's over!

And from now on you'll be running your own life, thank you...
because "you" are the one you trust.

Sure, they'll wail "You're crazy!" and "Who do you think you
are?" and "Have you lost your mind!?". Yes, they'll scream
"I just want what's best for you!" and they'll tell you you're
going to fail, got to hell, lose your mind, get fired, go
broke, and anything else they can think of to stop you.

Because if they don't, you'll be free...and they can't stand
the thought that you'll no longer be under their control.

Today is *your* Independence Day! Take back your power and
let the fireworks begin!

© Pat Lynch, 2002. All rights reserved.

Please feel free to forward this on.

OK,here I am again.
Does anyone understand this: I feel like my emotions are in tact and doing well, but my mind and thoughts are what's holding me back. Do you think that's possible or am I really screwed up?

I visited with my cousin's wife (she is going through a lot right now too) and a couple of my kids were there and we discussed our plight. My kids, at least 2 of them want me to hurry up and file. My D was telling me, on the way to cousin's house, that she is really getting nervous because H has been nice for quite a while and she knows he is going to blow again when we least expect it.
H does not tell me what to do at all anymore and tries to be nice but I don't love him and I will not let myself love him that way again. It's just not going to happen. I'm hoping (like a chicken that I have become) that he will take the first step and get leave (ha ha ha). One other thing that keeps my from moving forward is the fact that I work out of town sometimes and have a trip coming up on the 22 of this month. I hate to tell him I want a D and then have to leave town. Normally, this would be an ideal situation, but the kids will still be here.

I feel extremely petty, since everyone else here seems to be going through so much more than I am, but it still helps to come here and vent.

Have any of you read "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"? I'v been working on it and it does have some very good concepts.

It still feel free in my spirit but if I don't get tough and do this I will need to go back to original name, "Longtimefool"

Now I am just whining and I am going to get up from here and try to have a productive day.

Free Indeed,
What I got from your story was... don't trust anyone but what your gut feel is telling you to do. Take charge of your own life and don't leave it in the hands of others to screw with.
By the sound of your last post, it sounds like you are either going to file for "D" or your going back to your old name.
Go with your "Gut Feel". If you really can't love your "H" anymore then it is best that you end it. But if you have any doubts at all, then I would just Plan A, and see how it goes.
I know that this isn't very much help, but keep in mind you are talking to a person who's life is completely turned upside down.
I think I'm losing my mind as well, so I know how you feel.
Hang in there, it can only get worse if you let it.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi all,
Hope everyone is doing the best they can be, with circumstances. I was reading through some other posts and found some of my traits and was wondering why so many of us W's put up with P abuse and never tell, just so we don't jepordize H job. This is sick in itself. So many W's and I'm sure some H's don't tell. Then the sick WS uses everything against the abused spouse when the big DV comes along.

My situation is still going nowhere. H is being super nice. I realize a lot of spouses would be so grateful to have the cooperation that I seem to be gettting, however the sad thing is, it's just too little -too late. Even tho.....I feel like I don't love him and do not want to be with him, I am giving it just a little more time to see if things are really changing, or if this is a temporary fix and just another form of manipulation. I have prayed with all sinceriety, if this is God's will, even tho I don't want it, to please change my heart. I feel I have gotten the same answer from God all along, to get out. I feel if God did indeed give me this answer, and he knows all things, then H is not going to ever change from his abusive controling ways. This is why I am so suspicious of his new behavior. A year ago, I would have been ecstatic over a change like this. It would have been enough to nourish a dying love and maybe things wuld have turned out differently. I literally begged H to please let's work on our relationship while there was still hope. He did not want to discuss it, other than tell me it was my fault and if I'de get in my place and stay there, we wouldn't have a problem. Although he could never tell me what "my place" was. Once something is dead, it is very hard to revive it if not impossible.

Although my love is dead, I still have compassion, even for him. But you cannot build a marriage on compassion. Yes, I suppose I could allow myself to and choose to love him again, but next time would be too hard. He has used all of his chances to make a mistake with me.

I have to be able to give a relationship all I have or I feel I am cheating that other person, and if I give him all I have again, and he abuses it or neglects it, there wont be enough of me left to pick up and go on. I really feel like I have to go through with DV to preserve what I have left of myself and grow back into a person that I can live with.

So,I either go ahead with DV and start a new life for myself, or God changes my heart and we work this out. I know one thing, it will take divine intervention at this point to change my heart.
Now the only question I ask myself is "How much more time do I give this"?

I will be gone the week of July 22-27 for my job. Going to run a detail in Northen AZ, so I probably won't be on much till the end of Sept. when the traveling stops. I will be home on weekends and every other week after Aug, 2. Still have a week before I have to leave tho, hope to talk to some of you then.

I am sorry for not having even encouraging words for everyone right now, as I am trying to plow my way through this and figure out what I'm doing, but I do wish the very best for everyone and hope you guys are making progress, as much with yourselves as with you situations.
Free

Hi All,
Free Indeed,
You are at a point where you need to put it in God's hands and let him lead your way.
I understand your situation, and from a Biblical standpoint you need to allow the "M" to work so long as your "H" is following scripture.
We all know how God views "D"... only in the case of A... which does allows you to leave your "H" and "D" him.
IMHO if you know that you no longer love your "H", then it is probably best that you go with your original plan. It will probably be best for all concerned, you know deep down that he can't maintain his current mood forever.
Keep us posted what you decide.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Bad Dream & others.
I had forgotten I mentioned the doctor things. Nope its not good. I have to have an ovary mass (not a cyst) taken out (surgery-incision-3 days in hospital) and it takes a 4-6 week recovery time!!! My mother had breast cancer, and I did not realize that that put me at risk not only for breast cancer but ovarian cancer also!! Ovarian cancer has no outward symptoms & is often detected at the last stages!! Survival rate is not good either. I am 38 & never had kids. Usually women in menopause are diagnosed this way. But it might be benign too!? They won't know til they take it out!!! I have 2 more weeks before I go into hospital. I am terrified.

The doctor where i work talked to the psychiatrist who has me on Effexor and they added Wellbutrin to the mix! I DO feel better able to think with that. They also gave me Ativan which is an anti anxiety/sleep aid & the description even mentions "prior to surgical procedures" ! I hadnt slept so good in ages. But geesh, might have cancer - might not!!??? I have to wait 2 more weeks AARRGH!!

ON top of all that, I had stopped taking allergy stuff when I felt bad and now have ear, nose throat symptoms bad and on the verge of an infection!! My ears are plugged & my throat & neck are sore. I have to get rid of this before the 26th!!
H is nervous about this & worried. He tells me I'll be fine, but is home more, done some things around the house, wash & waxed my car etc. He told me he'll be there for me and take some days off work when I go for surgery. How things will turn out who knows!! Say a prayer for me!

AgainstTheWind,
I am so sorry to hear about your surgery... I will say lots of prayers for you.
I'm glad to hear that your "H" is going to be with you. That in itself will help you I'm sure... knowing that he is there.
I will keep you in my prayers, let us know how you are making out.
May the Lord bless you and be with you always.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Aganinst The Wind,
I just wanted you to know that I, too, will be praying for you. Sounds like a very scary ordeal you are going through. This may sound unreasonable to you right now, but try not to let fear take over. Remember, God did not give us the spirit of fear. Try to turn your focus on God, who tells us we will have perfect peace if our mind is stayed on Him. Fear can be as debilitating as a major illness. I stand with you believing that you will not be tormented with fear and you will be strong to face your surgery, and will have a speedy recovery.
Love in Christ,
Free

Hey Wallace or anyone else who can help,
My life is getting crazy! First of all, as mentioned earlier, my H is acting very attentive, almost to the point of driving me nuts. I am not responding in like manner, in fact I am quite suspicious of his new tactics. While he is painting the picture of a nearly perfect H, he is calling numbers from my cell phone bill to see who they are. I have nothing to hide. He called one number that I know about the other night when I was not here, and said "Who is this"? in a very hateful way. It was my boss, and best friend. He knows her very well, we all play cards and hang out. He told her he missed a call on his phone and her number came up is why he called her. She has never called his phone so I think he is lying. He never told me of the call. He is being nice,I think, to throw me off guard while he is trying to find something he can hold against me. I want to confront him about his behavior and the call, but I am getting ready to leave town for work and don't want to start something I wont have time to finish. My boss wants me to be able to travel for the next two months and only be home on weekends, which brings me to problem 2. My son is leaving for air force in Sept, school is starting and I have a 14 year old D who needs me around more often than weekends and a S who will be a Senior this year. I don't want to make her mad but I just feel like I can't be gone that much righ now. I love my job, but I love my family more. I feel like I will be sacrificing or asking them to sacrifice too much right now. We are all still in need of counseling, which I had planned to start for kids soon. She knows my situation well, but I don't think she understands what a mess my mind is right now. She is a very good person, but a work aholic. I could very easily turn into one if not for my kids. I feel like the devil knows just where to get me right now, and I need some prayers and/or advice/guidance on this one. I'm already going to be gone every other week and she asked me yesterday if I would have a problem going the other weeks with her to do training. I am the one doing the training and she has other things to do. I told her I didn't want to be gone that much and that D was going to need me, she is starting High School and is nervous about it and like to be able to talk to me when she gets home in the evenng.I don't mind to go and even enjoy it but I would like to be around a little more, before my son leaves, I would like to be here for my daughter when she gets home from school at least sometimes and for my other son. Every other week was pushing it for me right now and every week just seems like more than I can handle. I am afraid I am going to burn out if I don't set myself some limits. It seems like I gain a little control in my life and turn around and loose it somewhere else. Any advice?b I am going to talk to her later today and se what she thinks. I really hate to mess up my job or our friendship but I have made poor choices before and really want to do the right thing on this. I need to be home, I need to settle my marital problems one way or another and I can't desert my kids completly, but I need a job to support us.
Thanks, Free

Hi All,
Hope everyone is doing well today.
I saw my STBXW drive by me yesterday afternoon.
She was going the opposite direction on the highway that I was. I was heading west on the highway and she was heading east.
It really stirred my emotions to see her for the very first time in a little over three months.
I got about a one second glimpse of her, and I'm not sure if she saw me... it was rush hour. I can't believe that I saw her but there wasn't that much traffic on her side of the highway.
Anyway, I'm feeling kind of sad after seeing her for the short time I did after so many months.
Waiting for the date for our final hearing court date from my attorney, and then that will be it.
Just wanted to let out a little emotions today.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I know what you mean Wallace. It is so hard to predict our reactions when our lives are such a mess. You think you may know how you would feel about something, till it happens, then we shock ourselves!
Free

Hi Free,
We must of cross posted.
In regards to your situation, I think you have already answered your question concerning your family.
IMHO, this is how I put things in order of importance.
1. God first
2. Family... you can always find another job, but you can never replace your family.
3. Your health... lose it and nothing else much matters.
4. Work/job... love it or leave it.
There is a few others, but I think you get the idea.
Concerning your husband... it appears there may be a jealous streak running through him. You don't go through someones call log on their cell phone unless you are snooping. Why is he snooping? Only he can answer that, but I wouldn't bet it's because he is trying to start trouble with you. He appears to be looking for OM that may be involved in your life IMHO. I could be way off on that one... but I think I'm hitting the nail right on the head. Why would he be treating you so well if he didn't suspect something might be up. Maybe he is running his own Plan A on you... wouldn't that be something?
Concerning your work and children:
You need to be available for your children as much as you possibly can. With all that you have going on in your family life right now... It would be a good idea to be there as much as possible.
I would talk to your boss and see if you can't come to a happy medium between work and family. If she knows what is going on in your life, I'm sure she will be able to work with you on this one for at least a little while.
Hope this helps... God first, and then family.
All the rest will work itself through.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Ok,
I am taking a gamble and a plunge, again. I am going to put my DV plans aside and try ONE more time to make this marriage work. I found that as long as I'm contemplating DV, there is no way this is going to work. I'm giving it one last effort because I am seeing some definite changes in H. Something does seem different this time campared to the other times he has tried to change. And maybe he is doing his own plan A. I don't feel all mushy mushy and don't know if I ever will, but I am going to give it some time. I am going to be gone quite a bit for the next couple of months and this will also give me some time that I wont feel pressured to perform any certain way. It sounds like I don't know what I want the way I flip back and forth but this is the choice that I choose today. You guys pray for me and I'll be praying for you also. If it doesn't work, I haven't lost much by trying, right. If it doesn't work, then I have learned alot about myself and how to recover from these things and I will survive. The kids are comfortable at this point with me being gone and if this is what H really wants I don't think he will do anything to jepordize it,(I Hope)
I'll be here throught the weekend and then probably only on weekends after this one.
I hope everything is progressing in the right direction for all of you.
Thanks for always being here to listen and give advice.
Free

Free,
I think you are doing the right thing by giving your "M" one last chance.
I wonder if your "H" knows how really lucky he is? Most people would kill to have one more shot at making their "M" work.
It's not unusal to flip-flop back and forth on this. It's one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life... there is many emotions involved... so I wouldn't be too concerned about that... it's normal.
Let God lead your path, and the rest will folllow.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi everyone,
Well, I just finished my first week of work away from home. It was quite different! Had a lot of fun. I'm working 12 hour shifts at night, from 6 to 6. I'm really glad it is at night, because it is well over 100 degrees in the day time and cools down to 100 degrees at night! This place must be close to hell it is so hot.(121 last week) But I had a really good time. Things at home are going very well, and surprising to me, my feelings are beginning to soften. It amazes me how fast I can get over something and I don't know if that's good or not so good. One thing I have learned through all of this is I can be happy, in spite of circumstances. I like it better when my circumstances are pleasant, but I can still feel good when they are not. Now, I'm not saying that if things get really bad again, I will still feel this way. I think one thing that makes it possible for me to feel this way is I still have choices. I realize that a lot of peoples choices are limited for various reasons. I feel very fortunate in my situation because of this. H is still trying very hard and I am still seeing a big change. He is being good to the kids too. The kids are starting to respond to his kindness and change of heart. I just hope and pray that things continue in this direction and we can resolve our differences and continue our lives as a family. In the event that they do not continue in this direction, then I am much wiser and more in control of my emotions to deal with it. I truly wish peace and happiness for you guys too. I don't have much time to catch up on everyone tonight but will be back in touch later. I noticed that the motel I'm staying at has a comp. with complimentary internet service in the lobby so maybe I'll get time to catch up during the week at work.
Thanks to the ones who pray for my situation. Not only is my H changing, but something is changing in me also. Things are not yet what they need to be, but 99% of the negative is gone. Now we just need to work on reclaiming the tenderness and sharing part of the relationship.
Free

Free,
I'm glad to hear that everything is working out so far.
If you keep this up you will have to go over to the recovery board and start posting over there if you haven't already.
Keep up the good work.
Stay Strong!
Wallace