Hi guys,
Just an update.
First of all, I told my boss I would work all of the weeks away from home, even tho I didn't think it was a good idea right now. Guess what, she changed my schedule and let me off the hook and now I only go every other week. It goes back to listening to your inner voice. Logically, it looked like a bad idea but something inside said just go with it. I love going tho, it is a lot of hard work but fun at the same time.

Now for H update. He is going on 3 weeks of virtually no love busting. I really think the turning point was when I was able to not react to his LB. You know, it takes away their power if there is no reaction. By practicing no reaction to him, I was all of a sudden feeling no reaction to him. He is really walking the straight and narrow trying to be nice. It is nicer to be around him, even tho I'm still a little leary. It seems sincere and not like another manipulation tactic. I am starting to view him as a friend more than an enemy at this point. We are a little more intimate and I feel like I am in control of myself enough to risk letting my guard down. I wish I felt more "in love" but don't know at this point if that is really necessary. Maybe in time we will grow closer but for now, living with out the over-powering negative is a plus. This is all shocking for me because I had gotten to a point that this was not what I wanted. For all practical purposes, I had left him, even tho we still lived in the same house. I know myself better, feel stronger and I will survive with or without him. I truly hope I am never dependent on him or him on me. I think interdependent would be a better description of what marriages need to be.

I hope everone is progressing in their situations. But more than that I wish for everyone to have personal growth and awareness of who they are and what they are worth, because we are always going to be faced with "situations". What's important is being someone we can live with, depend on, and gain strength from God within ourselves. There will always be someone who will let us down, but if we are not depending on them for our strength and happiness, it will be a minor setback.
I don't know if I was able to convey my feelings here, but in short, I am doing great and I will survive what ever the outcome may be.
Free

Hi Free,
It's good to hear that everythings is going well for you. That is good news.
I think as long as there are no major LBs you should do fine.
What you stated as far as not depending upon others to make you happy is so true.
You possibly set yourself up for a fall when you depend on others for your happiness.
Happiness has to come from within.
My situation hasn't changed. it's the same as it ever was.
Final divorce hearing is on October 22 of this year.
STBXW has been a no-show for everything so far.
Going on 4 months and still our family has not heard a word from her.
We have reached a point where we really don't want to hear from her.
I'll keep my prayers going, so hang in there.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace,
I'm back home after being gone all week. Things are progressing very well here. H is like a changed person. I don't know what exactly happened, and maybe I'll never know, but so far, so good. He even had a gift for me when I returned this time. Nothing romantic in itself (however, the fact that he even thought of me was romantic to me!) It was a set of kitchen knives. I am gradually letting go of all that has happened and instead of keeping the mind-frame of "If he screws up again, I'm out of here", I'm trying to dismiss everything that has happened and start over fresh. I have to give him some room for error because nobody is perfect. Still no LB's from either of us. He appears to really love me and I am starting to feel a deep love for him again. I hope we can both make this time better. I have learned so much about myself, as well as other people and my expectations are quite different now. I thank God everday for not giving up on me. I really think my H's change had something to do with his spiritual state, as I no longer get the same vibes from him. He has a friend who he has been helping do some computer work and helping him work on his truck. This guy is really into God. He is somewhat neurotic in his ways, but none the less, I have a feeling he has been getting his spiritual life on track and this guy has probably helped him in this area.
I hope you continue to gain strength to get through you situation and come out on the other side feeling great! Thanks for being here and offering your thoughts. Our decisions are our own, but it always helps me to hear other views and sometimes spark a light to my sometimes, dim way of thinking.
Your friend,
Free

Hi Free,
It's good to hear that everything is going well.
I'm glad you decided to give it another chance.
Sometimes that "one more chance", is what it takes.
The gift from your "H" was a nice gesture... it's the thought that counts.
I believe that if you put God first and keep him in your life, things will eventually turn out for the best.
Keep up the good work, it can always get better.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi again,
Well, things are still going pretty well, however, it seems it is getting harder for H to keep up his changed ways. Every now and then a snide remark will surface. It's not so much what is said, but the attitude or "vibes" that come with it. I know I have to give it more time but it really scares me when these things start happening because I don't know if it is going to keep escalating or go away. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells tho, because I will not put up with it anymore. He is also very picky about keeping our money seperate. If he spends any money on anything other than what he thinks is his responsibility, he wants to be reimbersed. It's all kind of nerve-wracking to me.

What bothers me the most is my attitude. I can say I'm going to forgive and forget everything and start fresh, but somethings are still a trigger for me. I try not to react to them and tell myself to give it more time, but I don't have the same feelings for him as I used to. How does one get those feelings back. I don't want to go through life pretending everything is ok. I want to feel different about everything and am acting as if I do, but I just don't. Any suggestions? I want to know how he really feels, not how he pretends to feel and am just wondering if he wants to know how I really feel since he hasn't asked. It seems that the only way he can really show his feelings is physically. But when that's the only way he can show them, it makes me feel like he just wants to satisfy his needs while mine needs are not important. I suppose we need to do the his needs her needs questionaire, but for some reason I can't talk to him enough to suggest it at this point.
I am still ok and will be, regardless of the outcome, I just feel kind of empty and sad at this point.
Free

Hi Free,
I wasn't expecting that kind of a post so soon... I'm sorry to hear that things are starting to slip.
I think you should start back up into Plan A, if you are up to it and give it some time.
You need to get those lines of communication with your "H" opened back up again.

I would highly suggest that you and your "H" take the "EN"s questionaire... I think it might really help you and your "H" establish what needs are being met and what needs are not.
One thing I noticed, there appears to be a lack of trust between both you and your "H".
IMHO, trust is one of the corner stones of a solid "M".
Without it, there is not a very strong foundation to build your "M" on.
When the time is right, you need to address this issue with your "H", and see if you can't work through it.
It's not going to all happen overnight, but if you apply the Harley principals, I think you can have the "M" you always wanted.
Stay strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace,
I know it needs more time and a lot of work. It's not so bad yet, I think I am just overly cautious, re..lack of trust as you pointed out. I am much better than I was a year ago, but the caring is just not there for me. The difference is, before, I wanted it to work at all costs and now I want it to work out, but not at all costs.
I'll be fine, but like you said, we have got to get the lines of communication open. It used to be so easy for me to talk to him and now I don't know what my problem is. It's funny how 2 people can drift so far apart. The thing that first attracted me to H was the fact that we could talk about anything. But then, we had nothing to loose or gain by doing so. It was safe because we didn't have any pre-formed ideas of how
the other would react and it really didn't matter. He is still trying, but I can't understand why he has this downright mean streak in him. It's kind of a family trait. It makes me feel terrible to be mean or offend anyone and they seem to get some sort of pleasure out of it. It feeds something, I just don't know what. Another problem I have (lack of trust again) is I find myself annalyzing his motives on just about everything. I guess at this point, I need to work on myself, as suggested. Thanks for listening and the advice. The kids are back in school, my other son is leaving in Sept. for the Air Force and things are getting back into a routine, I am going to try really hard to keep working on this and getting to the point that we can talk again. At any rate, what we have now is better than what we had a few weeks ago. One of the things that influenced me to give it another try is I don't think I really understand where he is coming from. After reading a lot of posts from other men who want so desperatly to have another chance with their W and can't even seem to get their W to consider,I kind of put him in their place in my mind and tried to see it from the male perspective. I really think there is a huge difference in the way men and women think and respond and a lot of problems are communication and perspective. I don't expect to be put on a pedestal or such, but I would like for this relationship to be as important to him as it is to me. Again thanks for listening and responding. It really does help.How is your DV progressing? Did you say Oct? How are you doing on the coping level? I don't have much time these days to read a lot on here, as I have been gone a lot and no access to a comp.
Free

Hi again Free,
I'm pleased to hear that you are optimistic about the progress you and your "H" need to undertake in order to make your "M" work.
Most people would kill, for that one last opportunity.
You stay with the mindset that you currently have concerning your "M", and I think things will work itself through.
Say prayers, and try to use the MB's principals in your recovery and try to get your "H" involved with the MB's concepts as well... I think you may find the "M" you have been looking for.
As for myself... I had a very good friend of mine die last night.
I will be attending his funeral on Friday.
When I found out that he died, I went numb.
My STBXW and I, were good friends with he and his "W".
He was my next door neighbor, we all had some good family times together.
It brought up a lot of triggers, when I thought about the times we had together... so I am really in the dumps at the moment.
I was doing pretty good, all things considering, but I find myself yearning for my life back, after all that is happening.
I know that I can never have that ever again... so I just deal with it as best I can.
My final hearing for my "D" is on October 22nd of this year.
I'm not looking forward to it, but you play the cards that were dealt to you.
Thanks for asking.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace,
So sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Life is so difficult at times. It's times such as you are in that often cause me to wish I could back up and just be, not matter what the situation was before. I think it is human instinct to do that. It just reminds me that things can and sometimes do get worse. It will get better. I can remember certain times in my life that things happened that hurt me so bad, I honestly didn't think I would live through it, nor did I want to. Sometime it seems the harder we try, especially as Christians, the harder it gets. That's when I have to look at life from a different perspective. Do I want what's easier to cope with, or do I want what God wants for me? Dissapointments are so hard to deal with but if we can look at things with that "What does God want"? perspective, it can serve to make a little more sense and give us a little something to hold on to. I have this book and you may have heard this story before, but I'll copy it here anyway. Take care and remember that God loves you and will not give you more than you can bear, which is a lot considering "His grace is sufficient for us". I am praying for you to have strength to get through this difficult time and for the months to come.
Free
Here is the story I spoke of.....
Subject: Three Little Trees--An Easter Story

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.

The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!"

The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"

The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."

Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell.

"Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.

The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken to a little lake.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God."

Many many days and night passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his
hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful" she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth tremble with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

So next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

Hi Free,
What a great story!
It helps put things into perspective.
It appears that the closer I try to get to the Lord... the more Satan tries to intervene and disrupt my life.
I know you are not suppose to worry and to put it all in the Lord's hands... but sometimes with everything going on... it's very hard to do.
It's a flaw I have amongst many others... it's called human nature.
I sometimes find myself trying to handle things myself, rather than giving it over to the Lord, and I know I need to stop.
I'm not sure what God has in store for me or my family... I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact it looks pretty dark out there from where I'm standing.
I have been tested to the limit, but I have not given up on my faith. If I lose that, then I have nothing.
The battle rages on and I'm still standing, with the help of the Lord of course. So there must be some season for all this insanity.
I just want it to end, so I can pick up the pieces and let God lead me to where he wants me to go.
Thanks again for the story, I had never heard that one before... it was very up lifting.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Guys!

Peace, peace,... God's peace.

Shalom!

I love your "Stay Strong" closing, Wallace. I trust we are all growing in grace even through the trials we face.

I'm walking out my faith. I'm facing quite a storm of opposition, but I'm centered in Christ in the eye of the storm.

The corrupt church leadership? They denied me re-admittance as a member because I am holding them accountable for their actions. God's grace is sufficient for me. My composure in peace and in grace and in walking out God's love is growing and is more than sufficent to meet the need.

I'm walking in love and I'm taking back what the devil stole. They wrote me a letter denying my membership, I said I'd appeal to Classis, and I would continue to attend the church to which God called me. I just smiled and said "hi" and went on.

So, actually, I'm moving on with my life by staying in the situation... by walking out my faith in the midst of a spiritual storm.

I was married to a reprobate who blasphemed the Holy Spirit. It was a great trial. I grew in grace and would not trade the experience for the growth I gained.

So, to me, this is small to love these men who are not operating the church as a church.

In this, I rejoice, that increasing in strength to maintain my composure and actively interject the love of God in Christ in a positive manner irrespective of how they treat me... that's what being a sincere Christian is all about.

So I rejoice that through this trial my love and my faith in Christ will be further purified.

I'm "Staying Strong".

God bless!

Laura

P.S. I'll win the appeal to Classis in due season. In the meantime, I'm rising above a pastor that isn't preaching or practising God's Word to stay in the church to which God called me. The Christians there will get to know me and love me as do my friends.

Hi all,
laura_lee,
Nice to hear you are following your convictions. I'v been down a similar road myself in the past. Keep it up!

Wallace,
Hope you are having a better week than last. My situation is still doing ok. H is making less and less rude comments and I tell him when he does make them that I don't appreciate it at all and walk away. I think he is getting the message that I will stick around but will not tolerate his rudeness. I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong in telling him but that's how it is right now. I'm feeling better at times and then at times I wonder what I'm doing. I'll just keep working on it and have learned not only to not expect too much too soon from him, but also from myself.

May life be kinder to all of us this week.
Free

Hi All,
Lara_lee,
I was wondering how you were doing.
Keep up the fight, I know you will not give up this fight.
keep going with it... with the Lord on your side, you can't lose.
I'm glad you like the "Stay Strong" closing statement.
I use it as my closing remark, because I know we all need to stay strong in the situations that we are all in.
If we don't, then we most probably will end up just giving up... and I don't want anyone on these boards to do that... including me.
Free Indeed...
I'm not sure if everything is going O.K. for you or not... based on your last post.
It sounds like your "H" is starting to go back to the way he was acting before, or am I just getting the wrong idea.
Hang in there, I know with God on your side, you will make the right choices and decisions.
Have you gone back into "Plan A"?
Thanks for the kind words, I hope we all have a good week this week... last week was a rough one for me.
My "OD" had her 19th birthday yesterday.
We had a small family party and BBQ for her... she enjoyed it and so did I.
STBXW did not call to wish her a Happy Birthday or anything.
So she has not acknowledged any of our 3 kids birthday since she has left.
It's been 4 months since anyone has heard from her... and it's approx. 2 months away until I get my final "D" hearing.
I can't wait to get this over with.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace,
Things here are not what I think they should be, but are acceptable. H is trying and doing pretty good actually. It's me that seems to be the problem. I am being very nice to him and we actually spend more time together, talking etc and he tries to be very affectionate. I am trying to respond likewise but I just don't feel the same about him as I used to. However, I am no longer repulsed by him which is a good sign I guess. As for plan A, I plan on staying there for a long time. I have relaxed and tried to forget everything a couple of times and that's when he starts to flip around to his old self. I guess I can live like this long enough to see if my feelings for him return to the way I think they should be for a wife. We both are trying very hard to avoid any LB's. I really want this to keep going in this direction because he is treating the kids well and they really need that. Used to be, if he was upset with me, he would take it out on them to get back at me. Now it seems he is treating them very well, to get to me. It may just be a different form of manipulation, but he does seem like he is different. Time will tell. The positive side of this is I have changed so much and feel in control of my emotions and I will be fine no matter what the final outcome may be. For many years it was like I needed him like food, water,and air to survive. I am not like that anymore. He and my kids were my whole world and I was just a very small part of his. The hardest thing to change was for me to change myself but I'm getting there and it is a great feeling. Life can take away our choices and options, but the one thing we do have control of is how we react to it and how we let it affect us. At first I felt like I was compromising too much, but as I gained control of my reactins to the things I didn't like or couldn't change, it empowered me in a different way. So many fears and dreads are gone from me now and that is a good feeling. And in all of this, I still experence the peace of mind that I value so much. So even tho my circumstances are not the most desirable, life is still good.
It probably sounds somewhat selfish but it works for me.

I hope you find the peace of mind that I have. It makes up for so much misery. If you can't change what is bringing you misery, then try changing how you feel about it and how you react to it. If you cna do that, it takes away the power that it has over you. My friend is studying psychology and I had her try this concept a couple of weeks ago with her marriage and she says she is feeling much better. Instead of fighting with her H about issues or attitudes that upset her, I told her to try not responding and working on how she reacts (internally) to the situation. It's amazing how we can change our reaction and eliminate that dreadful feeling that comes with it. It also removes one party from the battle and neutralizes the conflict. She says it is having positive results, really fast.

Well, I'v rambled enough. Check back with you later. I think when you get some closure on all of what is going on, you will feel much better. And as always, I wish you peace of mind.
Free

Hi Free,
I'm glad to hear that everything is working in the positive direction for you and your family... that is great news.
I'm sure you will have moments when things just start to act up from time to time.
But it appears that you have indeed found the true peace in which to cope with any situation that you encounter concerning your family situation.
For myself... I have been working very hard to try to find "inner peace".
I'm struggling with it at times.
Somedays are better than others.
My daughter's "BD" was a major trigger for me as well as the death of my close friend... I kinda went into a funk that I am still trying to pull myself out of.
I'm slowly coming back out of it... but I make the mistake of looking ahead, and the looming court date that is not that far away, and it all starts to become kind of overwhelming.
That's why I will be glad when it's all over with.
I want to be able to pick up the pieces, and move forward.
Right now, it's a complete state of limbo.
You can't make any real plans or moves, until you feel the full impact of the "D", and what you are left to work with.
It's not a very good place to be.
But I work with what I have for the moment... and I am letting God lead my way... and that is about all I can do for now.
I'm a survivor though, always have been.
I'll make it through this... and my children and I will move forward from here.
Blessings to you and your family.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello Everyone -
I have been gone for some time. A lot has happened and really haven't had time to post.
1. Put house up for sale - Sold in 2 1/2 weeks and we close on the 27th. Have to be out by the 29th. I think the gods were smiling on me. A lot of properties in my neighborhood have taken months to sell. Got $3,000 less than asking price for it.
2. Moving to a 2 bedrm apartment with son until the condo that I purchased is finished in Feb., 03. Yes, I have to move twice in a 6 month period. That kind of stinks.
3. Had 2 large garage sales in the last month and sold the majority of large furniture and threw out a bunch of stuff.
4. Trying to take time for just me. I have an appt. for a massage tomm. night and STBXH is coming over to load up the trailer for the dump. Told him in an e-mail this morning that I have plans for tomm. night.
5. Filed the Parenting Plan and other papers to finalize the DV on 8/13. Final hearing will be 9/30.
6. STBXH graciously decided to give me a whole $21.00 more per month of Child Support han he is obligated for. Supposed to start in Sept. but since we don't get final papers until the 30th we will see if he holds true to his word. I am having him pay the state however, so that I don't have to worry about him paying me. They will go after him if he doesn't pay and I don't have to be in it.
7. STBXH just found a new job. Heard at least a dozen times about how he could have had a high paying job out of state.
8. Telling our S that he is going to buy a house that is more than 20 miles from the High School. He is shooting himself in the foot because I know that sleep is more important than anything else to a teenager and he isn't going to get up at the crack of dawn to get to school. Figured out that he is interested in this area because the OW works out that way and it would be closer for her.
9. OW's condo still hasn't sold. 3 Months on the market and had to come down $5,000 already.
10. Assume that STBXH and OW are still seeing each other. Don't ask and only respond with short comments, no questions, when Son talks about stuff at his Dad's house.
11. Moved Daughter back to college dorm the beginning of the month. She seems to be adjusting well and don't know about her contact with her Dad.
12. Looking forward to getting this done and over with and moving on with my life. Won't have to listen to all the lies anymore.
Free - I'm glad things are going the way that you want them to. I know what you mean by not feeling the same way about your H. I have lost all feelings towards mine and he is the one that caused that. When I see him he might as well be a stranger now.
Wallace - Hang in there buddy. I know that you have had it rough lately but keep thinking about all the good things that you have in your life, especially your kids and how much you love each other. I think you will find some closure soon but it is going to take a while longer. I still have good and bad days and I think that I probably will for a while yet.

I got a little teary eyed the other night when I was talking to my Son about leaving the house for the last time (we have lived there 17 years in Oct.). He came over and gave me a big hug and told me it was going to be o.k. and that he knew we had a lot of memories there but we would make new memories now. (What a grown up 15 year old). If only his father could have possessed some of that.

Since I will be packing and moving over the next couple of weeks, I probably won't get on here often but just wanted to give you an update and thank everyone that has helped me through those hard times and made me understand that I am still a good person.

Hi you guys!
ITABD... Sounds like you are moving on. You know, when I first went to the counselor, she told me my H had taken my youth and trampled it beneath his feet. I told her I didn't feel that way because I had stayed for what ever reason, but it had been my choice. At that time, when I was planning to leave him, I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me. I still feel that way. The way we think has so much to do with how we cope. If I find that I am not coping well with something, I try to change how I feel about it and how I choose to let it affect me. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but is really works. Especially when I have no control to change the situation. H and S are going sky diving today with H's friend. I sure hope nowbody gets hurt. S just recovered from a broken knee cap and is suppossed to go to the air force the 17th of Sept. H is very tough, but did break his back in 1990 and we had a terrible recovery ordeal with that. I told him I was not going to be his nurse if he does it again. He was not a good patient!

I realize we have to give ourselves time to heal and recover from things that hurt us (emotionally) but I think I dwelled in it way too long. I am over all of that now and feel like I have totally recovered, however, I'm still dealing with my lack of feeling like I would like to about things. I guess that's better than being miserable but I still don't like it. H is still doing pretty good but he still says things that really hurt the kid's feelings. I have come to the conclusion that it is just his way with being a control freak and he doesn't even realize the impact it has on them. I still tell him when he says something that hurts them that it hurt their feelings and why did he say it. He did appologize to S last night. For some reason, everytime they want to eat something it seems to irritate him and he comments on it. H, on the other hand is somewhat overweight and eats anything he wants when he wants. S is really thin (6'4" 160 lbs) and it bothers H when S is hungry. I just wonder why. Then, when H says something S says he's not hungry and wont eat when H is around.I think this behavior is one of the things that keeps me from loving H as I should.
It's really hard for me to want to be "one" with someone who does this sort of thing.

ITABD good luck in your new start. Try to dwell on the new opportunities as you let go of the past. I hope you have a very good life!

Wallace,
How are you doing? I have to say I really admire you for sticking by your kids while going through this hell you are in, trying to make a life for them. So many would have chosen a different path to try to find solace for themselves and not think of the kids. When this is behind you, you will at least know that you stuck by them and did the best you could for their sake. Things will get better as you find closure and are able to let this go. I forgave my H immediatly for his A(s)? but it still took a long time for me to heal emotionally. You will get there someday and it is a good feeling. It's just a journey, it seems, without a shorcut or final destination. I'v probably said this before, but I read something once that said we should consider ourselves as a spiritual being having a human experience rather than a human being having a spiritual experience. By looking at life with this perspective, it made a lot of things have more sense to me.
Take care,
Free

Hi All,
ITABD...
Boy, you really have had quite a bit going on in such a short time.
Selling the house, moving, kids, etc.
I don't envy you and I can imagine how hectic it probably has been for you.
I'll bet it was very sad to look back on all the memories that you have had... that's tough emotionally.
Your "S" seems like he is a very good person... it's good that he was there to help comfort you.
It surprises me how strong our kids can be when the going gets tough.
It does sound like your moving on with your life though... you will probably be glad when things start to settle down.
It seems like you are taking positive steps in your life, keep up the good work... I know it's hard.
By the way... you are a good person, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise
keep in touch.
Free...
Thanks for the compliment... I really love my kids.
They have helped me as much, if not more as I have helped them... they have been real troopers through this whole thing.
I hope everything goes well for your "H" and "S" when they go sky diving... I don't think you need anymore excitement in your life for the moment.
Your "H" is very similar to my Dad when it comes to food and who is eating what.
My Dad use to time us on how long we took our showers when we were kids... He was pretty weird in that area. "We don't want to use too much hot water".
It wasn't like we didn't have enough of it or the money to pay for it... go figure.
So I have a pretty good idea of what your dealing with as far as that type of personality.
Well I go to court today.
The bank would not credit me the money back to my account that my STBXW forged my name and took money out of... so I file suit against them to get it back.
It was my own personal account and we were in the beginning stages of the "D", when she wacked my checking account and forged my signature.
I guess they figured this way would be easier to deal with than just crediting my account... wish me luck.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,
Good luck in court. I'm outta here for a while. got to run tothe bank (40 miles away) and then go to work. Let us know how court goes.
Take care
Free

Hello Free -
Glad to see that you changed your signature. I was wondering when you were going to feel confident enought to take off the part about working on the Divorce. I'm glad you are comfortable with the way things are going that you can handle what every happens.
Don't counselors help you see things in a different light. Mine once told me that I couldn't say that I didn't try everything to reconcile. I had done everything I could but STBXH even lied in front of counselor and refused to give up his relationship with the OW regardless of who he hurt. Everytime I go to see her (Counselor) I come out feeling a little better. When I talk to her I realize that he is the one that is losing in all this. He has lost his M, relationship with his parents (they don't want to talk to him, don't contact me either, but that is o.k.), his home, all our mutual friends, and his business. I don't think he will ever realize what he has lost but I know that I have gained some insight on what kind of man he has become and I am wiser from this experience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I still hurt and there is still a lot of anger but I refuse to let him see that anger in me and try to journal it out. I know that it is going to still take a while before that anger is truely gone and there will be triggers for a long time to come.
I don't know that I have forgiven him yet. I don't know if that will ever come. Like you said it takes a long time to heal emotionally.

Wallace -
I'm sorry that the bank didn't cooperate with you. Amazing how they can minpulate things in their favor when we are hurting the most. I'm sure that your kids will or already realize what you have given to them by staying and being a strong role model. I think my D has come to some realization about this but don't think my S wants to believe that his Dad could be the type of person that he is. Hopefully someday that will come.
My best friend sent me a card not too long ago.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it. In the face of such uncertainty, believe in these two things - you are stonger than you think, and you are not alone." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This holds so true for everyone on this site. Take care