Hi ITABD,
Hope all is well with you today. I decided to change my signature yesterday. I will probably keep posting here because I'm not ready to move to another board. No special reason. I'm still working on the recovery bit but I'll hang around here a while longer.

I just wanted make a comment about something you said in your last post concerning forgiveness.
When you said.......
I don't know that I have forgiven him yet. I don't know if that will ever come. Like you said it takes a long time to heal emotionally.

It is my understanding that forgiveness is a choice or an act or your will. I have found that the lack of feelings does not mean we have not forgiven. I have found, just because you choose to forgive, doesn't mean you have to forget or that you will be emotionally healed instantly, upon forgiving the person who hurt you. But I also don't believe you will get a total emotionally healing until you do forgive.
Try to forgive for your sake. Unforgiveness hurts the person harboring the unforgiveness more than it hurts the person that we need to forgive.

I chose to forgive my H the same day I found out about his A, however the emotional healing did not come for many years. I still believe I forgave him, because that was my choice, even tho at times I questioned it myself because I was still so hurt. I think one of the reasons it took me so long to work through it all was I didn't have anyone I wanted to discuss it with, other than the pastor we talked with. This board has given me a safe outlet to get a lot out of my system and see things from different perspectives.
My emotional healing came along very slowly until the day that I was able to let it all go. At this point I had totally detached myself from H. When I was able to detatch, the healing came, it seemed, all at once. I fought so hard to keep my marraige together, now I have to ask myself why. Love does strange things to us. Now, my marriage seems to be quite stable, but I no longer have the same feelings for H. He seems quite happy with the situation as is, but then he always seemed like he was OK if we could avoid any unpleasant subjects and he didn't have to deal with it. I, on the other hand want to get to the root of the problems, take care of it and forget about it. He still just can't face anything that he feels reflects a weakness in him.

I kind of got off track here. Point I was getting at was, please make the choice to forgive. It frees you from one less fettering thing to deal with. I'm not saying you haven't forgiven, only you know the answer to that so please don't take this as a judgement call from me. It wasn't meant to sound that way.

I hope you find peace and happiness and a total emotional healing. It's a good place to be. I also hope it doesn't take you as long to do that as it did me! (15 years)

Take care of yourself!
Free

Hi All,
Went to Court yesterday, and I won the case against the bank.
So the Courts are going to garnish the total amount of all the forged checks that my STBXW wrote from the Bank and send me the money.
So it was a nice victory against this bank that kept telling me this and that and since she is your "W" they are not responsible.
Well they were responsible, and they lost... YAAAAY!!!
Forgiving... you are all hitting on a very hard subject here.
I forgave my "STBXW" for all the things that she had been involved in... trust me... there was quite a bit.
It took a couple of months but I got there.
Even though I have not been in contact with her in 4-1/2 months she still tries to inflict pain.
Case in point... our "OD" b-day last week... she didn't acknowledge it in any way.
Same held true for my "S" and "YD" birthdays.
I haven't forgiven her for that one yet.
So it's hard to keep forgiving over and over and over again.
In time I'm sure I will eventually forgive her, but not while I'm right in the middle of the war.
After the dust settles, and it all starts to fade away, then I will more than likely forgive her for all she has done... so long as she doesn't continue on inflicting pain on my family.
Free...
I had not noticed that you changed your signature line until ITABD had brought it up.
It's good to see that your making good progress with your family
Keep up the good work.
ITABD...
I think as time goes on, your "S" will see his father for what he truly is.
It may take some time though.
It took my children some time to figure out what really was going on.
They in no uncertain terms decided to stay with me once they figured out what was really going on... it took awhile for the "STBXW" to finally show her true colors.
Well I hope you all have a great day.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Morning Wallace,
I am so glad you won your case against the bank. Maybe this is a turning point in your situation.

About forgiveness.... I can forgive quickly when the transgression is against me, however, when it is against my kids, I tend to be less willing to forgive. It's so hard to watch your kids' parent hurt them. The pain we feel for them is so much worse than our own. At least that's how it is for me. I wonder also, if we forgive, out of obedience and withou feeling, are we really forgiving? Does there have to be a change of heart for it to be forgiveness? If so, then I am not as forgiving as I would like to think. It's all kind of confusing to me at this point. I can say I forgive, but have I really? Gotta study up on this one.
Have a Great Day!
Free

Hi Free,
I agree with you completely as far as the forgiveness aspect.
It's one thing to transgress against me... I can get over that in time depending upon what the transgression was.
It is entirely a different story when it has been perpetuated against my children by their own mother.
I am having a very difficult time forgiving my "STBXW's" actions concerning my children.
Her actions in that area are going to stick with me a long time, and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to forgive her for what she has done to them and how she has affected them.
I've prayed on it, and I'm still a long way away from ever forgiving my "STBXW for what she has done to them.
Sometimes you have to just draw the line in the sand and say, "ENOUGH"!!!
Hopefully in time I'll get past it, but it's going to take quite a long time.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello,
Just checking in to say hi. I will be gone till Fri. the 30th. Out of town for work again. Everything is stable in my corner of the world. Still dealing with myself and feelings or lack there of, but stable. I guess that's all we can hope for at times. Nothing's better but nothing is any worse. Trying to help my married S and his wife find jobs and a place to live closer to home. They are living in Phoenix and the rent is so high there. They are having a tough time getting on their feet. The each have a grant to go to school on and they finally have somewhat of a plan, they just need a little guidance and some emotional support. They are really scared to make the move, even tho that's what they want to do. Fear can really cripple you if you let it and I'm trying to encourage them in hopes that their confidence level will rise.

Personally, I have never felt better about things. Not that the circumsatnce here are all that good, but my coping skills that I have gained through everything, have greatly increase my confidence that life is and can be good. If it turns out that I am wrong in my assumption, it sure is a nice break from reality!

Take care,
Hope you all have a good week.
Free

Hi Free,
Glad to hear that everything is going well, all things considered.
I hope you have a safe and productive trip.
That is nice of you to try to help your "S" and his "W" find jobs... the job market is getting tough out there.
They are talking about cutting back staff where I am at... so who knows what will happen.
Your going to have to show me, and teach me some of your coping skills... I'm coping, but I can always do a better job and it sounds like you have a good handle on it.
Glad things are going good for you and your family.
Talk with you later.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello All -
Well most of the boxes are packed and the movers will be there on Wends. The closing on the house is on Tues.

Went to see my IC this weekend. Asked her why I was still carrying so much anger. She told me that she would be worried about me if I wasn't angry still at this point. She told me to try and get as much anger out before I leave the house on Wends. and then when I walk out the door she wants me to fell some relief as that will be one less thing that he has control over me with. She said that there is no reason why I shouldn't be angry. She also told me that the anger will have to leave before I can actually forgive STBXH for what he has done to our family and me.

I also asked her how to approach S about giving information to his dad and giving me information about his dad that I don't want him to know and I don't want to know about. She told me to explain to him that I don't want to know what he does while at his Dads or what his Dad is doing. This still hurts too much and on the same token, I don't want him to tell his Dad what he does when he is at my house or what I buy or where I go. Explain to him that you need to know that he is o.k. while at his Dads and that is all that his Dad should know/care about. He is already trying to tell me that Dad has this and Dad has that. What really is amazing is that he has bought all this stuff while he hasn't had a paycheck for 3 months. Go figure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I talked to S and he was perfectly fine with the arrangement and I also told him that if his Dad asks that I don't want him to lie to him but I don't want him to volunteer information to him either.

Had a little problem on Friday. Had someone come out to check the furnace and certify it prior to the sale. This was one of the contingencies of the sale. When they checked the gas control valve it had a gas leak. That cost me a pretty $300.00 plus the $150.00 for the original certification. When STBXH picked up S that afternoon he didn't even get out of our housing development and he was on the phone asking about it. Had the nerve to tell me that we could have replaced the entire furnace for $450.00. Told him I really didn't have any other options. (He is in heating/ac business). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Then he asked what he owed me and I told him that I was responsible for the house so nothing. (Like I would really get any money from him any way.) Sometimes I feel like I'm his bank but he never has to make a deposit or loan payment.

Soon all I will have to comunicate with him about with be the CS and anything in the Parenting Plan. I won't have to worry about his costs on the house, insurance or anything else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Free - I agree that it will be better for me when I can forgive but I think I'm going to have to work through the rest of this anger first before I can concentrate on that. I would like some of your coping tips as well. There are still so many things that set me off. Most of the time I noticed it is when I can't control it that it effects me the most.

Wallace - Congrats on the victory with the bank. I hope things go that well for you when you go to court for your DV. I know that you also have problems with the anger at times and I believe this is all just part of the process. My IC told me that next time this year we will be in much better shape than we are today and we will be the better people in all of this.

Take care and I will check in with you guys after the Labor Day holiday and give you an update on the move. Plan on at least one day of play that weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ITABD,
I was wondering what had happened to you.
You sound like you have quite a bit going on.
Hopefully it is all moving you forward in a postive direction.
I understand your situation as far as the children relaying info back and forth about who, what, where, and when.
It's a tough situation, and luckily for me, I don't have that problem at this pont in my life.
My kids don't want anything to do with their mother at this point, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
If it does then I will request the same as you did.
I'm having the same type of luck as you in the break down department.
My car's fuel pump went out yesterday... and I have to shell out over $600.00 to have it fixed... what luck!
Well I hope your move goes well.
Let us know how you are doing once you get settled in.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I'm baaack,
Hope everyone is doing well. I had quite a long week, but now I have 3 days off. I will be here for a week and then gone for a week and then my travels should be over for a while. I do enjoy going tho. The Highway Patrol has a tsk force out for the holiday weekend and in 375 miles, we passed 35 HP!

Wallace I understand about cut backs. I fear our department is headed for one real soon. I don't think it will affect me but you just never know. Our state is in a billion dollar defecit and the budjet has to be balanced before our lovely governor leaves office. Every state agency is facing cut backs. But I am not going to worry about something I have absolutly no control over. I have implemented a plan B and will do what I have too. I'm sure glad God doesn't have those cut backs and is our source of strength in good times and bad.

My kids came down while I was gone and checked out the town they are moving to. They checked at the college and I really hope they get started next semester. My son has already taken electronics twice but does not like doing that. He is going to do something with computers but more along the line of webmaster than technical. He has a very high IQ but I think the problem lies in his emotional IQ. Hopefully as he matures more, he will gain some coping skills and not get stressed out so easily. He can really get bogged down in his own mind.

Haven't seen H since I arrived as he is at a friends house playing Risk with a bunch of guys. He sounds ok on the phone tho.

ITABD...
Your anger will subside with time, however I agree with your IC about leaving as much of it behind as possible. It's amazing what you can do when you are ready. Just remember all of this is a process with few short cuts. Take care and pamper yourself...alot!

Let me know how you both are doing. I am anxious to hear how everything is progressing.
Free

Hello Everyone:
Thought I'd better try and get you caught up before I go back to work tomm. Have been gone almost a week and I know it is going to be totally crazy there tomm.

Moved into new place on Wed. and basically everything is put away. I really thought that I would get upset when I walked out of the house for the last time, but I kind of felt a little sense of relief. I guess that's what I felt. It has been a long road and still have more to go down.

I had S from Friday thru tonight. He will be with STBXH on Tue. and Thurs. this week and all of next weekend. That will be the hard one. I need to focus on working on things that I want to do. I did spend about 2 hours at the pool on Sat. and actually read some of a book that I had started weeks ago.

My D came down today from college. This was the first time that she has been home since beginning of August. Made some comment about not being able to stay with me this summer. Really wanted to get nasty and tell her that she should talk to her Dad about staying with him.

I had to bite my tongue a lot this weekend. Went and rented a video on Friday and S informed be that his Dad had a video card now. Amazing, this was the man that wouldn't even sit down and watch a movie with me or the family but he is now renting movies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think that kind of stuff drives me crazy more than anything else. He now does all the things that he used to tell me he didn't like to do that I always wanted to do together. Just one more reason for me to realize that he isn't right for me if he wasn't able to do those things or meet my emotional needs. There are just times that I wonder why all this had to happen and how long he has been lying to me. I have caught him in so many lies that I've quit asking questions because I don't want to be involved with anything that might be illegal and feel that might be a possibility.

Wallace - sorry to hear about your car problems. Nothing is more flustrating than when you don't have a car that you can rely on.

Free - Glad to hear that your home for a week before you have to hit the road again. Hope things went well for the kids and they are happy with the new place.

I hope everyone is coping as well as they can and your life is going in the direction that you want it to. I know that path is sometimes hard to find. I will check in later this week. Take care of yourselves and then you can take care of the others in your life that you love.

Hi All,
I hope everyone had a good holiday.
Free...
Glad to hear that you made it home safe and sound.
Your son sounds a lot like my oldest son.
My son is in his last semester in College, or was... majoring in computer programming.
He dropped out in his last semester (only had 1-1/2 months to go to graduate) to help with all the wonderfulness we have going on over here.
He said as soon as the "D" is over with he will start back up and finish in the spring semester.
"OD" started College about a week ago... freshman year.
She is not sure what she wants to major in, so she is just taking the core classes she feels she is going to need.
"YD" started her Junior year in high school last week, and she seems to be doing real well.
We are moving along all things considered... not sure where we are all going to land after this "D" is final... but I'm going to let the Lord lead me down that path and I'm going to try not to worry about it.
I hope things are working in a positive manner concerning your marriage, and with your family.
Stay the course... it seems to be working.
B]ITABD[/B]...
It is quite amazing how STBXSs all of a sudden like doing things that they previously wouldn't of dreamed of doing, or didn't like doing when they were with you.
I use to take my STBXW up to Estes Park Colorado, and she would tell me how much she hated the town.
I now hear through the grapevine that she loves going to Estes Park and really loves the town... go figure.
It will all drive you crazy if you let it.
You just have to take it for what it's worth... look at the source it's coming from... deal with it as best you can and then move on to the next piece of wonderfulness.
I'm sure in time it all starts to subside and level off.
I can't wait for that period in time to come.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Just checking in. can't say how I'm doing, because I really don't know. In some ways, I've never been better and in others,I am still a little confused. Mostly about what I want or don't want. I was thinking about my married life and it started out good, or so I thought. Then I started finding out about things H had done and was doing. At this point I'm still maddly in love with the guy and wanting to do anything to make things better and make it work. H said he loved me too. Then it got to the point of trying to heal emotionally from all of the things that had happened while dealing with mental, verbal and physical abuse. Through all of this I am still trying with all my might to make him want to feel as loyal to me as I did to him. It wasn't happening so I take a different approach. Work on improving myself so I can be a better person. Learn to compromise more, learn to let the little things go, turning the other cheek to avoid his wrath. Well, then I gave up and decided to withdraw and detatch. At this point, I had never felt better. I started taking care of me and not reacting to his antics. Then I got to the point of not caring what he did. He no longer hurt me because I no longer cared. Just when I get comfortable with this lifestyle and contemplating divorce, H does a 180. Now he is trying to be attentive and caring but it no longer matters to me. Do you think it is possible to regain those feelings? I am trying to give it some time but I just don't feel much of anything. I feel a little guilty because he is trying and I just don't respond. I try to be as nice as I can to him but the feelings just are not there. I feel like this, as long as he is decent to the kids and me, then he can hang around and if not he can leave. I don't even have a preferance at this time. Any ideas of what is wrong with this picture? I am fresh out of ideas and plans. I did tell him I was moving out the other day when we were having a dissagreement and he told me to go ahead. I don't know where I'm at in this and I'm not sure of where he stands.
Free
Free

Hi Free,
With all that you have going on... and as shakey as everything is starting to sound again... have you given any thought to setting up an appointment with the Harley's to see if they can help you and your "H" somehow get over this hump?
You two are so close, but yet so far, and It might just be the type of "C" you and he may need.
Just a suggestion that you might want to consider.
I would also say some prayers on it as well.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

A LONG ONE:

Hello all! I haven't read the updates, I'll have to go back and do that. I had health troubles and had to have ovary removed 6 weeks ago. They thought cancer was possible so I had to have my stomach cut to get to it. Luckily it wasnt, but I now have what should be a zipper down my stomach! Who knew how we take our muscles for granted! Trying to sit down or get back up was impposible (specially bathroom), couldn't bend over to put on socks or shoes, or pick things off the floor and not allowed to lift over 10 lbs.

My H was rather shocked about it beforehand, and said he'd be ther for me (I have no other family, siblings etc, just a few friends). Well he took me there & got me ice water etc but was overly concerned about the back of my gown when I was just heading to the bathroom. Drove me nuts - he'd tie it but I needed it untied at that point.GRR. We dont have cable & in the hospital he just sat there watching car racing the whole time. If I asked for something, hed get it but never said much else. Stayed the first night but complained how uncomfortable the couch was so I told him go sleep at home the next night. Thats what he wanted, but later made out like I didnt want him there.

He made my hospital stay more stressful than anything else. Do this, dont do that, dont say that blah blah. When he lost my keys & I asked what the heck did he do with them, he yyelled at me when the nurse left for me not to shout and yell at him in public! (whos yelling??) I told him to go get stuff to eat, but he'd be gone quite a while. Was not so proective of me or caring for me, though he would have our friends think so. In later days, he marched in to my hospital room screaming and cursing at me about a different medical bill I had not paid and how they were going to take the house away and come after him, - blah blah rant & rave.

He kept on getting angry when I was not sent home on Monday. Cursing about doctor & nurses when I had explained so many times what the delay was. I hung up the phone when he called back he says "if you ask me I dont give a f@#$ and I hope you die in there" !!!! Oh lovely thing to say to a wife. I was mad when he came to take me home. I said most people wouldnt wish that on a strnger and how dare he say such things. His excuse was that I "pissed him of, because" I said becasue NOTHING. You never say a thing like that to someone in hospital.

He only took off the Friday to take me there and the Monday to bring me home. I came home Tuesday night. He did not take any other time off work. He would make me cereal for breakfast & leave. Would go to the store after work (not coming home) and call me if I wanted something. He would bring that home but then leave again on his motorcycle for the usual 2-3 hr absences every night.

My friends came on some days & made me some food. I was not allowed to stand for long time - so no cooking. They did not visit me as often as I wished. Each maybe 3 times over the whole 6 weeks. One friend did drive me to several doctor appointments. (could not drive for 4 weeks). He did not take off. He would come home & eat the food they made for ME and then leave!! Badgered me constantly about when I was going back to work & why not go back part time sooner etc etc. Said I was jus lazy.

This was the LOWEST time of my life. I cried & bawled myself to sleep so many nights. Oh, since Ive been sleeping downstairs, he now went upstairs to the bed that "bothered his back" the last 2 yrs. Hmmm, Its a miracle!! NOT!! Hes back to his old patterns now. Doesnt even b0other coming home after work. Shows up about 10:30 PM & goes to bed. He has said hes looking for a place again, but how many times did I hear that before!!

I think OW is pushing him. I wasnt sure if anything was still going on but the other night he come home screaming at me to stay the hell away from her and mind my own business and that she called our home & he went over to her place and the cop was there - that she called the cops on me!!!!! They're both psycho!! I guess she got jealous he was spending time at home while I was sick. Well, he acted like he couldnt look for an apartment until I got back to work. "cant leave you like this" attitude though he really did nothing for me! I had to fend for myself, almost dropping milk, could not empty trash, needing a crane to get off the potty, or out of bed & could not pick up anything I dropped. It was awful!! I never cried so much in my life. For weeks!! PS. What does the moron think a cop would think, her saying god knows what about me, and my husband being with HER. Heck, he neighbours probably think hes her husband hes there so much. I was not there that night , but he mustve heard someone elses loud muffler.
Actually I think he came home aroudn9:30 & freaked out when my car wasnt there (idnt know I had started driving some). I had felt sick all day & when he didnt show up, I dragged myself to walgreesn to get some pink stuff etc. What a SHXX he is!! Over labor day he was home more till the last day. OW must have gone out of town. What kind of idiot does he think I am.
I was devastated and upset having no one to take care of me, while lying there helpless. But now I am just MAD. He says hes looking in a different town now. I think him & OW had thought all along of getting a place together there, until he though he could convinve me to move out of the house. NO way. He turned his back on this marriage & home. He can go! He earns twice as much as I do anyhow. AAH. VENT! VENT!

I go back to work Monday. My boss was pissed I was leaving (not my fault!!). She has not phoned me NOT ONCE to see how I was doing, or when I was coming back. I think my return will be painful! Say a prayer! Ironic thing is she had a hysterectomy & was gone 4 weeks & then she gets back & I have to go!! But it wasnt like I was on vacation - it was medical leave!! Lord hlep me!

So the not a marriage, once dismissed divorce issues took a back burner for a bit, but not the drama! We'll see what happens. He never showed any remorse, no responsability for actions, total denial or now says we're over & its none of my business but wont acknowledge the truth. In his twisted head its all me & OW must be the angel. What the heck is this hold she has over him??? What does she have that I dont? WHY WHY WHY???

I suspected them around March 2001, but it may have started sooner! So its been 1 1/2 years now!!! What,s wrong with me! I just dont want to face a big battle I guess, though I know my rights are pretty strong. I'll check back later!

Hi all,
Boy I feel kind of stupid posting here. Everyone has such major obstacles and I'm just trying to un-withdraw or at least figure out if I want to. I'm not dealing with many things other than that. It seems simple enough, however it really is keeping me from moving on in any direction. I'll be hanging around a little longer. Sometimes just reading what others are facing helps to put my situation into perspective. I think I could get somewhere in this if I didn't dread going down that same road again. It's the people who want so desperatly to have another chance that makes me try a little longer at this. I may be motivated by a totally wrong reason but I am trying to see both sides of my situation without much input from the other side. I don't know if that makes any sense but I don't even know if I understand it.
Sorry for all of our problems and hope we all get some relief soon.
Free

Hi All,
ATW... Wow! It sure sounds like you are having a heck of a time.
I sure hope you are feeling better.
It doesn't sound like you are going to get very much support while you are trying to recover from your surgery.
It makes it that much tougher when you have health issues enter into the fray.
I'll say some prayers and hopefully the Lord will lend you a helping hand.
It sounds like you can use one.
Free... It sounds as though you are as confused about what is happening in your life as I am about mine.
I know I have asked the question, what is this really all about?
I know if it were not for my kids, I would of walked away from this situation I'm in without a second thought, but unfortunately that is not the case.
I'll give you credit... you are trying to make a go of it, and you are to be commended for that.
Hopefully things will start getting better for you and you can decide what you need and want... put it in God's hands and let him lead your way.
I have a court date this week on 9/11 of all days, over some credit cards that I think my STBXW hit and didn't tell anyone about, so I'm kind of scattered in my mind at the moment. I'm trying to get ready to see what this court date is all about... so I'm probably not going to be able to post anything worthwhile for a bit.
Keep doing what you are doing and let God work his wonders.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,

I hope things turn out in you faver on 9-11. I don't know that I'm all that confused, really. I just don't think this is what I want. To try this again. I just can't stand it when he slips back into his hateful ways. I think he is trying but it seems to be really hard for him to keep up this facade and I'm not sure he's happy here either. I know this is a liftime commitment but if we can't make some headway on issues,(and I don't see that happening) I don't want to live like this forever. Life is to short to spend it struggling daily to keep up for appearance sake on something that should be your enjoyment in life, your shelter from the world, your place to be when you don't want to be anywhere else. Maybe I have unreal expectations of marriage, but the only time I see a light at the end of the tunnel is when I'm looking down a different path. I am trying really hard in case my idea is wrong. But right now I jsut don't see it happening. He wants me to pay him back for every dime, accuses me of taking his money and not paying him back. This is usually when he buys something for one of the kids. He seems ta have the idea that they are my responsibility. He even makes the kids pay him back for everything he gets them. I believe they need to learn responsibility, but he doesn't show any himself. He did drive me to the Dr. yesterday because I asked him to. He doesn't lift a finger to help out around the house unless I ask him to. Then he either takes in a deep breath and hisses it out like a huge reptile or turns around and makes the kids do it. They resent this behavior as much as I do. He may say he cares but his actions do not show it. I don't feel special to him. My co-worker treat me better than he does. And no, there is nothing going on there. I know it's easier to show concern and be nice to people you haven't had to live with on a daily basis and I am not having nor do I desire to have an A or EA with any of them. But for the most part I would rather go to work than be here at home, except when he's not here. After we got home from the Dr., he watched a movie and then got on the computer playing this game where you have to work your way to hell and kill the devil. He was on the computer from around 1:30pm till 2:30 am. I slept most of the day because I was ill and got up around 5pm and cleaned the kitchen from Sat dinner! I just wish he could help me out without my having to ask. Then he and son want to know what I'm cooking for dinner. I told them to fix a pizza or something I did not feel like cooking. Dr. insisted I take another day off work today and it's his day off so I wonder what today will bring.??? I am afraid to talk to him because he always jumps down my throat and tells me my faults and downfalls, loud and nasty so I will back off and we wont have t discuss anthing. It's almost like he knows he's wrong too, but is not about to face it. Even after giving it another try, I still feel a perfect peace about not staying in the marriage. I can't explain it, it's just something I feel. Well, I got a lot off my mind so I will stop complaining and go get my kids off to school. My S is leaving for the Aif Force on Tues. He is a very special person and I am going to miss him but it's that time and I want him to have a good life. He's is staying with relatives right now because he can't stand to be here the way things are and he called and said he felt really guilty not being here to visit these last few days. I just told him Ilove him and I want him to do what makes him happy and not to feel guilty. I miss him but not in an unhealthy way. I want him to get a life and I really don't like him being subjected to some of the things he gets from his F. Like if he deserves to eat or not. I probably sound worse off than I am. I really am ok. with myself anyway. I feel like I am in control of my decisions and I am happy with who I am. I just don't know what I need to do at this point so I guess I am a liitle confused after all.
Have a Good day, for what it's worth.
Free

Hi Free,
I think if confusion was money we might be millionaires.
It is so very hard to try to keep a marriage going that you know deep down in your heart is probably destined for failure.
I know when I was in the midst of trying to salvage my marriage... there was this gut feel that I had that kept telling me. "this isn't going to make it".
I kept trying in spite of it all, and the more I tried the worse it became.
I finally threw in the towel and decided to let the marriage take it's course and I prayed to the Lord for it to all work itself out.
Well God let it all reveal itself for what my marriage truly was.
Unfortunately, it was not the outcome I had hoped for.
It did however explain why things were the way they were.
In your marriage I would hand it over to the Lord... in time he will reveal what your marriage is based on... and then it will be up to you at that point to try to make the best decision you can as to what path you may want to take.
Hopefully it will be a decision that you make that will be best for you and your family.
There will be no doubt in your mind, when the time arrives to make that decision.
Your "Inner Voice" will tell you what direction to take, be it for your marriage or to end your marriage.
I know you have been very patient, and enduring concerning the salvation of your "M".
I'm still very Pro-marriage even though mine has left me with a very bitter after taste... I would give it some more time and see which direction the Lord takes you with it.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

sorry... double post for some reason

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Thanks. Sometimes I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.