Hello Everyone:
AGW - Sorry to hear about everything that you have had to go through. Glad to hear that medically everything is o.k.

Free - I have found that I have to go with my instincts on a lot of stuff recently. What is your gut telling you? I can't imagine having to make the decision on trying in my M again. I guess so much has been revealed lately that my gut is telling me to stay away as far as I can.

Wallace - How did court go yesterday? When is your court date for the DV? Hang tough and think positive.

I just seem to be in between things right now. The final hearing for the DV is on the 30th. Keep telling myself that I well be glad when this will all be over but unfortunately I have at least 7 more years of contact with STBXH regarding our S. Have not seen him in 3 weeks and as far as I know he has not been to new Apt. except to drop and pickup S. I have conversed with him via e-mail in those 3 weeks but only about insurance, and money. He pushed me into asking him for the last 4 months of car insurance that I had paid for him. He actually had enough nerve to ask how I wanted to handle the cost for him to go to the dump. Never mind that more than 3/4 of the junk that he hauled out there was his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
He also thought that 1/2 of the proceeds from the 1st garage sale that I had and the money he had from the trailer should cover his insurance. I informed him that I considered his 1/2 of the garage sale money as reimbursement for glasses for S and the money from the trailer I considered 4 months of Child Support. What, he thought I wasn't keeping track of stuff. Amazing!!
I had to take care of all the insurance stuff too. He kept saying he was going to take care of it. I should have known that he wouldn't do it because then he would have to pay for his policy. Think he is going to have a rude awakening when he gets the first premium notice as he no longer has accident free since he ran into a post right after we were first seperated and did over $2K worth of damage to his truck.
I have made plans for dinner with a girl friend and her kids the night of the 30th. Didn't want to sit at home with S and think about things. I also went out and bought me a new ring that I am calling my Freedom Ring. I know that I'm not free of him yet but I think it will help me feel a little more at peace when I walk away from the court house.
Went to see IC last Friday. She asked if I was ready to move on and find someone else yet. Told her that I don't think I'm ready for that as I don't think I can trust anyone. When you spend 23 years with someone and then find out that the last 2-3 years have been mostly lies it is hard to swallow. She told me that will fade but it is going to take some time. Told me that some day STBXH will wake up and wonder what the he!! he has done. I told her that might happen but he will never admit it to me when it does. I don't know what I would say if he did tell me. I would like to think that I wouldn't be vindictive but I can't say that at this point.
I will check in next week sometime. Hope everything goes well and the direction that you all want. Take care of yourselves.

Hi All,
Well I went to Court yesterday... it was only the preliminary hearing.
The credit card company's attorney was not ready.
He couldn't find his files concerning the case.
I showed the courts my docuements with the check that had been cut for the pay off balance of the credit card.
Judge went ahead and set the case for trial, and told their attorney to substantiate the charges or he would dismiss the case.
So that is where that lays at the moment.
ITABD... My final court date for my "D" is October 22.
Not sure how the Judge is going to rule concerning the division of the assets since there is no agreement between myself and STBXW... so I'm a little concerned about that.
This is a no-fault State so it should get interesting.
I have to agree with you about spending time with someone (I spent 23 yrs as well) and not being ready to go out and find someone else.
I find myself in the "I'm not sure if I trust you" mode as well... when confronted with the dating aspect.
I haven't dated yet or attempted to date. I'm going to stick with my marriage vows until the final day of my "D".
Concentrating on my kids at the moment... that keeps me busy.
I hope everything goes well for you on the 30th.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi all,
Well, my life is changing again. Took S to get a release from Dr. yeaterday on his knee so he could leave on Tues for Air Force. Dr said NO. He needs surgery and it is scheduled for he 24th of this month. S was devastated. I told him things happen for a reason and even tho he may not see the reason right now he just has to have faith that God knows what He's doing. Son says that's just a cop-out way of coping with things. He is much bettter today after thinking about all of it. I (selfishly) am somewhat relieved that he did'nt go yet. I am emotionally ready for him to "leave the nest" but I don't mind if he hangs around a little longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H, well, some strange things have happened. He is back to playing head games and back into criticizing almost everything I do. I told him to get off it yesterday that I was not going to listen to it anymore. He was looking for something ( a letter opener) the other day and was sure one of us had "hid" it from him. He cleaned the computer desk off and was searching for this item. Well, later I asked him where he found it and his said, " It just magically appeared on the comp. desk after you were at the desk."
I won't tell you what I told him, I'de be banned from the board. I don't know if he really thinks I planted it there for him to find, wants me to think he believes I did or what he is getting at. I could see where he might think I was playing head games with him if I did, indeed, plant the thing there but I never saw it or touched it. Last night he started in on how I never buy the right food. He has been paying the utilities and I buy the food. He is very protectivve of his money and I swear if I get anything from him I have to pay him back and I am sick of this arrangement. Oh, by the way, things have actually turned up after the kids or I have searched for them. I really think he has done that to us, but it is beyond me why he thinks it would accomplish anything to accuse me of putting his darn letter opener on the desk. I realize the whole letter opener thing is somewhat trivial, however the mentality that goes with that is not and I view it as a sign of a BIG problem with him.

OK now for listening to my "Gut" and by the way I thank you for bringing this up. My gut says to get out, as does every answer to every prayer I prayed about this situation. My what if's are what's keeping me from doing anything about it. I can't explain it and I feel somewhat sorry for H and what he will go through. I know in my gut, my soul, and my spirit what I need to do. Logically speaking, after looking at the whole big picture, my mind knows the right thing to do. I think the problem lies in my confidence in making a decision, and what if I'm wrong. Too bad, I am reaching the point that I'm getting no where even with my self thinking the way I have been. I don't know what will happen later on but I can see where a physical seperation is needed. At this point I harbor no hope of things changing. I feel like I am ok with myself it's dealing with his unstable, crazy, and unpredictable behavior that's getting me down. My gut knows what to do and I will shock myself when I actually do make a move. I am getting a little angry at H and I think that may be good. I have been indifferent for sometime now at it is totally an unproductive state of mind to be in.
Gotta go now, but I will return later. Thanks to all of you for your support.
Free

Hi All,
Will be out of computer range till tomorrow night. Going to Phoenix with H to help oldest S move. He will be a lot closer to home after the move. Air Force S is having surgery on the 24th. H and I are ??? He has accused me of throwing his stuff away. Last night in front of my parents and cousin/wife, H was looking for something and said that I probably threw it away. I told him that I have not thrown out anything of his, and I tired of him saying things like that and if he didn't quit, I was going to throw out everything of his, including him. I don't think he believes me. I'm not mad or hurt over any of it. I wish I could feel something even if it is anger. I feel so indifferent towards him. Someone has on their signature something about hate not being the opposite of love, indifference is. I'v been mad and hurt for 20 years and I just don't like being that way, however indifference makes you feel like you are in a different diminision from them. I don't want to hate anyone, but how healthy is it not to feel ANYTHING? I must be way stressed and can't even identify it because I cannot remember a lot of things. I have lost more stuff lately than all the rest of my years combined. I just pray for God to help me find it because He's probably the only one that knows where it is. You know, I have found that to be the quickest, easiest ansered prayer there is. I have passed that secret on to my kids and they agree. I really think, given the way I have no feelings for this marriage, I will not be able to constructivly work at it and maybe it's time to get on with things, But then, I really don't know. Time to see the counselor again I think!! I will be back tomorrow and check in on you all. I hope everything is progressing in a positive manner for all of you. I appologize for not seeming concerned with your problems, I am. I just have too much on my plate right now to spend enough time getting informed enough to form an intelligent opinion. I do care and hope all is getting better for everyone.
Take Care,
Free

Hi Free,
It appears that you have quite a bit on your plate... I guess we all do when you get right down to it.
IMHO, It sounds like you are in a severe withdrawl... what has your "IC" said about this situation?
"Nothing changes when nothing changes"... and it seems that both you and your "H" are stuck in a rut in your "M".
Being the Pro-marriage person that I am... have you thought about getting together with the "Harleys" with you and your "H" to see if they can't get you out of this rut?
Just a suggestion... before you decide to call it a day.
It appears that you are at the crossroads of your "M".
Hopefully whatever direction you take, it will be in the best interest of you and your family.
Put it in God's hands.
Just to change the subject... I know all about how things that just disappear in your house and then they reappear right out of thin air.
If your house is anything like mine, especially with kids at home, it happens all the time... it just goes with the territory.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi,
Well we finally got oldest S/W moved and settled. H took S#2 for his pre-op visit today. I'm suppossed to be sleeping (night shift last night)Boss called needing me to come and do some computer/microscope images to send to lab at noon, told her ok so here I am. At least if I go in today I do not have to work the night shift tonight. Anyway I am really tired. I cannot figure my H out. For the most part he is rude and hateful to me. Yells when speaking, tells me to shut up when I haven't said anything ( he thought I was going to yell when he almost got us into a wreck in Phoenix) but I didn't say anything I just set up in the seat. He is loud and obnoxious then later turns around like nothing has ever happened, which I guess that's the way he see's it, and wants me to be all lovey dovey. I am so sick of playing this game. I really need to tell him how I feel but he is so unrealistic. It doesn't matter to him how I feel, it matters how he chooses to see things. When he was yelling at me at the top of his lungs while we were driving down the road I said' "There is no need to be so hateful and loud" To which his response was to yell at me some more that he's not being hateful or loud. I am really tired of trying to figure out if he means to sound the way he does, if he realizes he sounds the way he does ansd so on. I am to the point that I don't care if he knows it or realizes it. He needs a wake up call or something. And I need my head examined. I want to be treated with respect and kindness at times other than just when he wants something or is trying to impress someone. I'm going to try to keep from posting my trivial complaints while I try to figure this out, but any ideas or advice would be more than welcome.
Thanks,
Free

Hi Free,
It sounds to me as though your "H" has some real issues that are bothering him.
He needs to get in an "anger management" class or take some sedatives... probably both.
You got a real handful going there.
Why do you think he is so angry all of the time?
Is he seeing a counselor?
If he isn't he probably should be.
What does your "IC" have to say about all of this?
Sounds like his anger towards you and your children... throws you into withdrawl.
He has to want to help himself at this stage.
You can be there for him, but not to take his abuse.
Without him wanting or seeking help for his anger... you may be beating a dead horse.
I don't have much else to offer on the anger issue, I'll leave that for the pros to handle that.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello everyone -
Just a quick post. I have been very busy at work so not a lot of time to converse with MB friends. I did post a new thread re: how to handle my upcoming Wedding Anniversary.

Actually doing pretty good. I have the hardest time when S is at STBXH's for the weekend (this weekend). Since I asked S not to tell me anything that is going on at his Dad's house and vise-versa, it has been a little easier.

I have been trying to exercise when I have the time. Usually in the evenings. We are getting into fall weather so it is just the right temp.

I haven't spoken to STBXH since this last Monday and that was to discuss when he could drop off the CS for this month. Since our DV isn't final yet he had to give me a check. I have already requested that the State handle after final papers are filed. He made some feable excuse about coming by a couple of times this weekend but my car wasn't there so he wasn't able to drop it off. Wanted to say DUH - have you heard of a phone? But, I didn't, I just told him that he could drop it off Monday evening. He dropped it off prior to my getting home which was good. I haven't seen him since August 24th. I seem to handle things better when I don't have to have contact with him.

Final DV day is the 30th. Don't know exactly how I feel about it yet. I go and see my IC on the 27th so that will be good. She always makes me see things a little differently.

Wallace - Any news on your end? Sounds like your just waiting for your day in October. Hope you are enjoying your free time and both you and the kids are well.

Free - How are you feeling? Your son has surgery this next week doesn't he? I agree with Wallace, it does sound like your H has some issues that he uses anger to solve. We all know that anger doesn't solve anything but they (WS's) don't realize that. Hope everything is going well for you.

ITABD,
My prayers are with you... I do know what you are going through.
I'm sure you are feeling very nervous about it all... I know I am.
You will get through it... it may be a little rough while your in the heat of the moment, but hang in there, it won't be the end of the world, even though it may seem like it.
Keep up with the exercise... it does help
My day is coming up the 22nd of next month so I'm not the far away as far as the "FJ".
It's good that you are having your "S" not tell you or your STBX anything... I think it's better that way.
You don't need anymore to upset you... you have enough to look forward to already.
I was asked out this past weekend... I don't think I'm going out on any kind of dates
(even as just friends) until after I'm "D" next month. I don't think I'm ready for anything like that at the moment.
In my mind we are just friends, and that's the way I would like to keep it.
So I have just been hanging out with my kids, and going to Church, and attending some Church group functions... pretty much just laying back and waiting for the final court date to come.
We will be here for you when you go, and my prayers will be with you.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace - Thanks for the words or encouragement. I know everyone will be here for me when I go on the 30th and you know we will all be here for you when you go on the 22nd of next month. I agree with the dating thing. I once told STBXH that I wasn't dating anyone because I'm still married. I hope that was a gut check for him. I'm not ready to date at this point either but would like to have a male friend that I could talk to about some of these things. I will try and keep up the exercise and keep myself busy with friends, church, etc. Hang in there and take care.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ITABD,
You have quite a bit going on, and we will be here for you... I know it is going to be emotional I'm sure when your court date comes up this month.
I'll bet that was a gut check for your "H" when you told him that you were not going to date anyone because your still married.
They just don't get it, do they?
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi ITABD & Wallace,
Thought I'de better check on you guys and let you know I am still around. My S's surgery went fine. We just arrived home at 3:30. Two hour drive. He is bleeding through the bandages but the Dr. said it's probably fluid and blood. I dread to have to go back tomorrow, I hope it quits bleeding.

My life is still very much in limbo, but I am very close to making some life changing decisions. It's not getting any better, nor do I think it is going to at this point. When I have more time I will elaboate a little more. I have never yet been quite in the frame of mind I am in now. I pray that I do the right thing!

I left my car parked at a gas station so the kids and I could ride w/ cousin and family on a picnic in his truck and when I got back, I got in and started my car and put it in drive and it wouldn't go or in reverse. I said, "Somebody stoled my transmission"! They didn't but they did steal my tire. While I was waiting for the cops, the guy came back. He didn't stay of course, actually left like he was in a hurry. He left a nice set of greasy fingerprints for the cop tho. I sure hope I get my tire and rim back. I can't afford another one.

I'm going to read and catch up on you guys right now. Sorry I have not been but life has been very strange here.

Prayers and Peace to you both.
Free

Hi all. I have moved out of limbo and into Hell. Posted reply on Free's "when its over, its over". My free net hours at home has expired. Will hafta sign up for service so I can get back on here. Gotta go before I get caught & fired. Boss being total witch. Take care all, hang in there.

Against the Wind,
So sorry for everything going wrong at once for you. Maybe it's time for a lot of changes for you.
I had a really good out of the box thing I was going to post for you and just discovered someone has deleted my drafts that I have been saving. I suppose it was my H. I am really angry at this moment. He is acting so weird I can't stand it. He is sweet as can be one minute then hateful as hell the next. I am going to do something about this situation very soon. I have had it! I will be back when I can offer something positive.
Thanks
Free

Hi All,
ATW...
It sure sounds like you are going through HELL... I thought I was in a mess.
You need to start looking at making some positive changes in your life... what you have going on is not healthy at all.
Job, home, husband, etc., they are all changing by the sounds of it and you have no control with what is going on.
You need to say some prayers (and I will be saying some for you as well), and take a piece at a time of what you have going on, and start making some moves that are going to help you get out of this mess.
Lets take each one, one at a time, step by step, and see if we can't help you get through some of this.
Let the Lord into your life, and walk with him, lean on him, to get you through this.
My prayers are with you.
Free...
It sounds like your getting ready to head out.
Let us know how you are doing, and what you have going.
I'm glad to hear that your son's surgery went well for the most part... that is always good news.
I can't believe someone stole your tire, if that don't beat all.
When it rains it pours.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

HI guys,
Just got through talking to Dr. S had surgery as you know, well, he started screaming in agony about 45 min ago. This is a teenage boy who is pretty tough. Doc had me unwrap his leg and take dressing off. He had 1000mg vicocin one hour befor. Dr. had me give him 500mg vicodin + 800 motrin in addition. I feel so bad for him. He has calmed down now. I hope the pain killers work and he is able to go to sleep.

H announced he was going to town the other day and I asked him what for and he said he was going to get a loan to buy a house. Never asked my opinion or consulted with me at all about it. I'm thinking ok, I thought when 2 people were married, these things should be discussed. Then he calls me at work from bank asking what kind of loan he should get. If he gets a homeowners loan, one of us will have to live in it. If gets other loan, house we have paid for will be used as collateral. He sounded really depressed so I didn't want to discuss it on the phone so I asked if we could talk about it when I get home. I get home and he plops an application down in front of me and tells me I need to fill it out so he can get the loan. At this point, I haven't filled it out nor have we discussed it with S's surgery and everything else going on. Besides we just don't talk about anything. Haven't decided what I'm going to do. I did tell him I didn't want to put the house we have paid for up. Some other strange things have happened. I tend to think either he wants out, or he's preparing for me to tell him to leave. What do you think? I'm doing ok but have a gnawing feeling that we are headed for something. I am ready to get out but so dread either one of us going through any additional pain. But if I stay, I will continue to go through pain. The kids keep asking if I'm ever going to do it because they are tired of his ups and downs too. It's going to be tough financially for me but I think I can do it. We will just be on a vveerryy tight budget.
Free

Well, now I know H has been reading my posts on here!!! He hasn't said a word to me about it but the screen saver on the computer says "It must be time for plan D" Something I had on my signature whe I first started posting. Son said it has been on here for a couple of days and asked him what it meant.
Free

Well, my H is clueless about this site, (I think!) If he did see it, he would tell me "That is why I'm leaving you, cause you told everybody Im having an affair" ! He has changed his reasons a million times. But boy does he have moods. Screams & yells & rants & raves over the tiniest things. Then when I try to stay out with friends (daytime with their kids too) he'll call & come after me sometimes & give me the "we need to talk" speech. Only nothing is new is said.

If your H is reading these, I will write what mine won't let me say. Do you want to work on this marriage to make it change and grow for the better or not?? Yes, it does take work. Are you willing to show your wife that you will take whatever actions necessary to regain her trust? Better yet, apologize for any wrongdoing. Dont rehash the past over & over. Try & take it from this moment & how will you solve it?? Are you willing to make promises & keep them?

If not, then just move out and allow divorce to set you both free. Try to agree on division of stuff & not drag it out. If You want to get on with a different life, let your wife get on with hers. PS. I am a huge believer in Men's midlife crisis. ANy major purchases like a motorbike or sportscar? Quit a major long term job? Feel like so many opportunies have passed you by & its wife's fault? Uh Huh - Mid Life Crisis. Dont prolong the pain. Quit or fix it!

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</small>

Hi Free,
All I can say is "VERY INTERESTING".
Well if that is in fact the case (your husband reading your posts), then hopefully he will take the time to digest what's been said... take it to heart and try saving his "M".
IMHO, I think if most of the spouses read what is on this site and a good chunk of the posts that have been written... many marriages most likely could be salvaged.
Hope your son is doing better, sounds like they have him on quite a bit of pain killers... hope it helps him.
I think you have the right idea ATW about what you would post if you actually knew they were reading your posts.
It's getting interesting.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Well..........
I asked H why he deleted my drafts. He said, "to save space" I said, "There were things I was saving on there" and He said, "Like what" and I said some inspiritional things and motivational things. He said, "And divorce papers" and I said that I did not have any divoorce papers in my email (??) He said, "Well, youve been bragging about it" I said, "No, I have not been bragging about it. If you had read all of the posts you would know that" I said, "You don't brag about disasters" He said well, let's do it if that's what you have to do. I asked him if he wanted to pay a lawyer several thousand dollars or get a kit and he said he didn't care, do what ever I wanted. I feel so relieved that this is out in the open. He seems to not care at all and here I was worried about causing him pain??? He doesn't care. I should have guessed. I'm always the last one to figure these things out.
I'm OK and will be ok. I told him I would get the kit and we could fil it out and he said, "Whatever you have to do"
I'm still in shock.
Free